The Mueller Report
Page 5
Insiders say that the President is close to firing Mr. Comey. He has already drawn up a short list of potential replacements for FBI director: former New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani; son-in-law Jared Kushner; Timecop star Jean-Claude Van Damme; Alexander Morris, Mr. Trump’s loyal and longtime dry cleaner in midtown Manhattan; Mega Man, from the video game Mega Man; Wheel of Fortune host Pat Sajak; and Brody Callaway, a twenty-one-year-old Trump campaign volunteer who has no federal law enforcement experience and who was recently arrested for public intoxication at a Chuck E. Cheese’s.
“The President simply hasn’t meshed with Mr. Comey,” one aide said. “If the President is going to work with someone he doesn’t like, it’s going to be his son Eric.”
White House spokeswoman Sarah Huckabee Sanders pushed back on the idea that the President was unhappy.
“President Trump is in a jolly mood and has been skipping around the White House, handing out lollipops to good boys and girls, and lighting up rooms with his radiant smile,” Sanders said. “Mr. Trump has no plans to fire James Comey, doesn’t know how to golf, and has never eaten fast food in his life.”
Still, the mood at the White House is charged, insiders say, and they expect an explosion—one that may just blow up the tenure of James Comey as FBI director.
“If I’m Lying James Comey, who’s a real lowlife, by the way,” one anonymous source who is close to the President said, “I’m packing my desk. Believe me, it’s so true.”
Interview with James Comey (Cont’d)
MUELLER: I have one final question for you, Mr. Comey.
COMEY: Already? It’s only been eleven hours of intense questioning.
MUELLER: Time flies when you’re testifying under oath.
COMEY: Well then, I hope we can do this again soon. Surely the vice president has committed some kind of federal crime; the guy sounds like a televangelist soliciting donations for his church to build a spaceship.
MUELLER: In your final estimation: Why do you think President Trump fired you?
COMEY: I live my life by certain codes. Code One: Always do what’s right. Code Two: If you write a book, don’t make a big deal of the book tour; keep it low-key. Code Three: Never speculate about another man’s intentions, no matter how obvious they may seem based on a truly incredible amount of evidence.
MUELLER: Thank you, Mr. Comey.
Interview with Donald J. Trump (Portion)
Q: So you maintain that firing James Comey had nothing to do with his investigation into you or your dealings with Russia?
TRUMP: James Comey failed me, he failed the American people, and he failed to capture the international criminal Carmen Sandiego, despite very strong resources poured into finding where in the world she is.
Q: The 2017 Donald J. Trump Awards for Tremendous Loyalty and Friendship—how did you come up with that idea?
TRUMP: No one had ever done anything like it before, but everybody said it was a tremendous awards show, better than the Highly Biased and Disrespectful ESPYs. We wrote the speeches quickly, me and Stephen Miller, a lovely guy who is so strong on both immigration and Third Reich memorabilia.
Q: This was actually the second time you held a ceremony for the Donald J. Trump Awards for Tremendous Loyalty and Friendship, correct?
TRUMP: Who told you that? Was it “Melania T.”? If I ever find out who that is—
Q: You also held a gala in 2013, correct?
TRUMP: I’d like to take a recess, your honor!
Q: After you returned from Moscow?
TRUMP: WITCH HUNT! Fake News! Jim Acosta! Totally dishonest . . . This phony investigation is . . . RECORD SOYBEAN IMPORTS! Witch hunt! Witch hunt! WITCH HUNT!!!
The 2013 Donald J. Trump Awards for Tremendous Friendship and Loyalty to Donald J. Trump
On December 18, 2013, Donald J. Trump threw an awards gala at Mar-A-Lago. Melania T. forwarded us a VHS copy of the ceremony. A full transcript of Mr. Trump’s opening monologue:
* * *
Hello, ladies and gentlemen! My name is Donald J. Trump and it is wonderful to be at an awards show that isn’t the Emmys—who, by the way, keep on giving my award to the very untalented Jeff Probst, a weak and irrelevant guy who has never once fired Meat Loaf.
The winner of this year’s award has shown tremendous friendship and loyalty to Donald J. Trump; and I hope he continues to do so in any upcoming situations where he might be tempted to leak an incriminating video that he may or may not have taken from a waterproof surveillance camera installed in the Presidential Suite at the Ritz-Carlton Moscow.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the inaugural winner of the Donald J. Trump Award for Tremendous Friendship and Loyalty to Donald J. Trump: he’s a strong leader, he’s a rugged outdoorsman, and he is hopefully very discreet about what financial information he shares with U.S. investigators—
Vladimir, you shirtless horseback-ridin’ son of a gun, come on up here!
Part Two
MEETINGS with the RUSSIANS
Associates of President Trump’s Campaign Who Communicated with Russian Ambassador Sergei Kislyak
Assembled by our team, this is the definitive list of all members of the Trump orbit who either communicated with or claimed to communicate with Russian ambassador Sergei Kislyak.
* * *
1. Jeff Sessions met with Kislyak on several occasions but did not mention these meetings during his confirmation hearings for attorney general.
2. Jared Kushner met with Kislyak about establishing a secret backchannel between Russia and the United States and did not mention this meeting on any of the two hundred revisions to his security clearance requests.
3. Michael Flynn spoke on the phone with Kislyak during the transition and made promises about what would happen when Trump became president. He also warned Kislyak about chemtrails.
4. Eric Trump claimed to be “basically best friends” with Kislyak and said that they “used to play hockey together.” We have investigated these claims and he was just looking for attention.
5. Rick Perry told our investigators he had held a lengthy conversation with Kislyak but it turns out he had confused Kislyak with the actor Jon Voight.
The remainder of our investigation into Russian meetings will focus on Jeff Sessions, Jared Kushner, and Michael Flynn.
Person of Interest: Attorney General Jeff Sessions
* * *
Attorney General Jeff Sessions, seen here announcing his opposition to the Beyoncé Super Bowl halftime show.
ROLE: Attorney General; Trump Transition Team Member; Lead Banjo in Conservative Jam Band, White-Spread Panic
FORMER ROLES: Senator from Alabama; Pirate #3 in the 1987 production of Peter Pan at the Huntsville Playhouse & Gun Range
SKILLS: Hootin’; hollerin’; establishin’ mandatory minimums
NOTABLE ACCOMPLISHMENTS: Recusing himself from both the Russia investigation and modern views on race
FUN FACT: Voted by his high school as “Most Likely to Be Reincarnated as a Vengeful Leprechaun”
WHAT WE’RE LOOKING INTO: Why Sessions failed to disclose several meetings with Russian ambassador Sergei Kislyak during the campaign
Text Messages Between Jeff Sessions and Senior Aide Rick Dearborn, Fifteen Minutes Before Sessions’s Confirmation Hearing
* * *
January 10, 2017
In early January, then-Senator Jeff Sessions testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee as part of his confirmation hearings to become attorney general. It was later revealed that Sessions neglected to mention several meetings with the Russian ambassador Sergei Kislyak during this testimony.
This text message exchange between Sessions and his senior aide occurred fifteen minutes before Sessions took the stand. It may explain why Sessions did not bring up meetings with Russian ambassador Kislyak.
* * *
Rick
Are we all set for the confirmation hearing?
Jeff
Absolutely
&nb
sp; I’m rocking a crisp new suit from Gap Kids
And I found a heterosexual barber to cut my hair
I am SO ready
Rick
Fantastic
Oh by the way
Yesterday the Alabama Bureau of Investigation raided the home of a big-time marijuana dealer
We shipped up the contraband to show how strong you’ll be on drug enforcement
Eight pounds of marijuana, a liter of CBD oil, a bunch of edible marijuana products
Speaking of: Did you grab some Chick-fil-A or something?
You know you get cranky when you’re hungry
Jeff
Yeah someone got us a tray of Brownies from Evidence Bakery
I was feeling a little nervous and I stress-ate like 3 of those bad boys
Rick
Wait . . . A tray? From Evidence Bakery?
Jeff
Yeah, there’s a table of Brownies here that says “EVIDENCE”
Cute name for a bakery near the Department of Justice imo
There was even a little sign next to it that said “Confiscated from the Scene of the Crime”
Funny right?
You should have seen me wolf down those bad boys lol
Rick
Oh, Jesus.
Senate Testimony of Attorney General Jeff Sessions
* * *
January 10, 2017
Fifteen minutes later, Senator Sessions appeared before the Senate. A relevant snippet of his testimony follows.
* * *
SENATOR PATRICK LEAHY (VT): Senator Sessions, we are approaching hour three of your testimony, so I’ll keep my questions short.
JEFF SESSIONS: Isn’t it weird, man, that both time and people can be short? Like, we don’t measure time in inches, and we don’t measure height in minutes. Did you ever think about that?
LEAHY: Mr. Sessions, did you meet with any Russian nationals during your time on the Donald Trump campaign?
SESSIONS: What do you mean by “meet”? Like, did I shake their hand? Did I become soul mates with a Russian ambassador? We can’t ever really “know” another person. We put up these walls and—does anyone want Jack in the Box?
LEAHY: To be clear—you are testifying that you never met with any representative of the Russian government either during the campaign or during the transition?
SESSIONS: Back off, man. I said I didn’t. Hey, isn’t is crazy that the plural is attorneys general? If I’m confirmed, would the plural of my name be Jeffs Session?
LEAHY: I yield the floor to Senator Lindsey Graham.
SESSIONS: Lindsey, what’s up, man? You wanna blow this square convention and go watch some Rick and Morty?
Text Messages Between Jeff Sessions and Senior Aide Rick Dearborn, Fifteen Minutes After Sessions’s Confirmation Hearing
After the hearing, Jeff Sessions debriefed with his senior aide Rick Dearborn. Our forensic analysis shows that Sessions sent these messages from the drive-thru lane at a Taco Bell.
* * *
Jeff
I thought that went pretty well!
Rick
Are you kidding me
Senator Cory Booker asked for your views on bail reform
And you responded by ranking your favorite episodes of Space Ghost: Coast to Coast
Also you repeatedly referred to Senator Amy Klobuchar as “Senator Icy Klondikebar”
PLUS you said you didn’t meet with any Russian government representatives. . . .
Jeff
It’s fine
I might have to amend my testimony a smidge but no biggie
What Republican is gonna take a brave moral stand and vote against me . . . JEFF FLAKE?
Rick
Hahahaha
Jeff
Lol
Text Messages Between Donald J. Trump and His Personal Physician, Dr. Harold Bornstein
President Trump received the following text messages from his personal physician, Dr. Harold Bornstein, immediately after the Sessions hearing. Coincidentally these text messages were also sent from the drive-thru lane of a Taco Bell.
* * *
Maybe: Harold Bornstein
Hey, Donny
I caught the testimony of that Jeff Sessions cat the other day
I know he’s up for attorney general but i’m thinking he’d be a better fit for Agriculture
If you catch my drift
Anyway I’m taking the Winnebago up to Vermont for an open-air Crosby Stills Nash & Young concert on Joaquin Phoenix’s hemp farm
And I was hoping you could put me in touch with Jeff Sessions’ “sherpa”
I’m in the market for some of that “Sweet Home Alabama”
. . .
Donny?
Okay bad time
I’ll see you for your “physical” in a week
Don’t worry, I already entered in your weight at 239
Amended Senate Testimony of Jeff Sessions
In early 2017, now–Attorney General Sessions was forced to quietly amend his testimony after a tipster informed the FBI that Sessions had communicated with Russian ambassador Sergei Kislyak at least once.
It turns out, in fact, Sessions failed to mention several meetings with the ambassador, as he revealed in his amended testimony submitted to the Senate Judiciary Committee.
* * *
November 25, 2017
To the esteemed members of the Senate Judiciary Committee:
This is a difficult letter to write, but it appears that I may have made a misstatement or two during my testimony. Specifically, I testified that “I did not have communications with Russians during the campaign.”
This is not totally accurate. I can now recall communications I had with the Russian ambassador at the time of the campaign.
Upon further review of my calendar, I met twice with Russian ambassador Sergei Kislyak in March 2016, following campaign events, where we shook hands and exchanged pleasantries. These encounters slipped my mind.
During one of these encounters, I agreed to spend a diplomatic afternoon with the Russian ambassador at Six Flags Over Biloxi. We ate shaved ice and rode the Double Dragon roller coaster three times in a row. Sergei won a giant Minions stuffed animal at the shooting gallery and we got a caricature drawn where Sergei and I were a figure-skating pairs team.
This encounter also slipped my mind.
I can now recall that as we were riding the Ferris wheel, looking out over the Biloxi skyline, I confessed to Kislyak that I always wanted to attend summer camp but hadn’t had the chance. The Russian ambassador pointed out that I wasn’t getting any younger.
We pinky-swore and that night the two of us enrolled at Camp Blue Star in North Carolina. I do not know how, during my Senate testimony, I failed to remember this eight-week sleepaway camp where Sergei Kislyak and I were bunk mates. Nerves, I guess.
That summer Sergei and I bonded over s’mores and stayed up late into the night, discussing girls, and football, and what we wanted to be when we grew up. Sergei wanted to be a covert instrument for the Autocratic State; I wanted to arrest my weed-smoking archnemesis, actor Seth Rogen.
It was a foundational summer for the two of us. Sergei had his first kiss, with a quirky-but-cute gal named Penelope who introduced him to indie band the Shins.
And me? Well, Senators, I won the lead role in the camp’s musical production of Jersey Boys, beating out Blue Star’s most popular camper and my rival, Bobby Martino. I rehearsed all summer, but on opening night when I walked out on stage for the first time, I froze. The spotlight was on me, Senator Jeff Sessions, and the entire camp sat in the audience, stone-silent.
But then I saw Russian ambassador Sergei Kislyak, standing at the back of the auditorium giving me a big thumbs-up. That was the confidence boost I needed; from then on I sang with poise and panache. My performance received a standing ovation, and even Bobby Martino had to admit my falsetto was “on point, dawg.”
After camp, Sergei had to return to Russia t
o be the right-hand man to President Vladimir Putin, and I was still a sitting senator in Alabama, working on the Trump campaign.
We hugged, and we promised that we would be “friends forever, for serious.” As his mom’s station wagon rolled down the dusty road and out of sight, I remember thinking that we would never have a magical summer like that ever again.
I don’t know why I blanked on all of this at my confirmation hearing! Sergei and I lost touch, of course, as camp friends do. But this winter, he called to see how I was doing, how my family was, and whether I wanted to set up a secure backchannel.
I was so excited! Of course I wanted to set up a secure backchannel with Sergei. “Between me and Jared Kushner,” Sergei clarified.
Something within Sergei had changed; he was no longer that carefree sixty-seven-year-old Russian emissary who had helped me steal beer from the counselors’ cabin. Vladimir Putin’s ambassador was a different man. And maybe I was, too.