The Mueller Report
Page 10
These documents offer a rare window into a business tycoon who portrays his brand as exclusive, yet has licensed his name to airport hand dryers, a Japanese dental floss, and low-grade Saran wrap; a construction magnate who is as obsessed with his money as he is getting to ride in the forklift; and a property baron who has occasionally trafficked in real estate deals that experts have described as “questionable,” “dubious,” and “lol totally illegal.”
One such sketchy deal involves the sale of an apartment at the Trump Tower SoHo to a Russian billionaire named Sheldon Selnikov. Purchased by Trump for $2.3 million in April 2013, the apartment was sold, thirteen minutes later, in an all-cash deal for $15.7 million.
The fishy transaction was referred to the Manhattan district attorney’s office, who declined to prosecute the case soon after Trump donated one of those fancy Brookstone massage chairs to the D.A.’s reelection campaign. A spokesperson for the D.A. declined to comment, pointing out that “we never even use that chair” and “the massage rollers feel much better in the store.”
A Trump spokesman deflected, saying that “as a result of these profitable deals, Mr. Trump is able to personally donate to charitable causes.”
In reality, those profits stayed in Mr. Trump’s ample suit pockets. In advance of this article, the Washington Post contacted more than 19,000 charities around the country. The message we received was unanimous: “Please stop calling us, David Fahrenthold.”
Indeed, no charity we contacted had received funds from Donald J. Trump, except for one: the Martin Shkreli Foundation for the Legal Defense of Bernie Madoff and the Fyre Festival Guy.
* * *
—End of Relevant Portion of Article—
How Michael Cohen Could Have Laundered Money from a Russian Billionaire
Our financial crimes division was able to trace the sale of the apartment to Russian billionaire Sheldon Selnikov. The sale was accomplished through a maze of LLCs, S corporations, and mysterious shell companies and was designed to elude federal prosecutors. We outline this process below.
* * *
First, Mr. Cohen sets up an LLC in Delaware. Wealthy Americans have long preferred to incorporate in Delaware due to its strong privacy rules, minimal costs, and the free basket of crab cakes you get for each LLC.
In order to open a Delaware LLC, Mr. Cohen must establish residence, so he rents a studio apartment in Dover and gets a job at a Party City in the Balloon Department. Mr. Cohen works one (1) shift at Party City, during which time he inflates several balloons in the shapes of Spongebob Squarepants, Garfield the Cat, and Pikachu (a “Pokemon,” or Pocket Monster).
Cohen is now eligible to receive a paycheck. He elects to get paid by Party City not as an employee but as an LLC. Cohen establishes his LLC, which he names “Corporate Business Corporation Incorporated.”
Corporate Business Corporation Incorporated is set up as a subsidiary of several other privately held LLCs, all of which we believe trace back to Donald Trump: I Hate Stairs Co., NO MORE SHARKS Corp., the Tonald Drump Company, If She Weren’t My Daughter Inc., and the Stormy Weather Corporation, as well as a raft of linked S corps like Combover & Sons, Totally Real Hair LLC, Not Going Bald Inc., It’s My Real Hair and Not a Toupee Corp., and the Yes Of Course I Can Go Swimming Because The Hair Is Totally Natural Organization.
One of these shell companies (“Not Going Bald LLC”) purchases an apartment at the Trump SoHo for $2.3 million in Manhattan, New York, from its owner, an heiress of the Triangle Shirtwaist fortune using the unit as a pied-à-terre for her show dogs.
Not Going Bald LLC then sells the apartment to Corporate Business Corporation Incorporated for $2.31 million. Both sides are able to avoid paying taxes using the 1997 Philanthropic Pass-Thru Act—a state law intended to help humanitarian charities purchase medical supplies for use in low-income neighborhoods, but now used almost exclusively by billionaire real estate investors seeking to evade the IRS.
Three minutes later Corporate Business Corporation Incorporated incurs an expense of $227.93 at Pottery Barn. Items purchased include:
• faux fur throw pillows
• zebra-print placemats
• poster of the comic strip character Cathy that says “What’s for dinner? I’m making RESERVATIONS!”
Thirteen minutes after having purchased the apartment for $2.31 million—and having added just $227.93 of accent furniture and a Cathy poster—Corporate Business Corporation Incorporated lists the “luxury suite” on Zillow for $15.7 million. In Manhattan real estate, this would be considered expensive even for a two-bedroom with a dishwasher.
After having been listed for thirteen seconds, an offer comes in. The full-price offer comes from “Russian Oligarch LLC,” a shell company incorporated in the Seychelles that tracks back to Sheldon Selnikov. Sheldon Selnikov’s Seychelles shell sells the suite to Sweet Sheld’s Suite Shield, Sheldon Selnikov’s Swedish shell that uses Sweden’s lax tax practices to act as a tax bracket shelter to shield Sheldon specifically.
Corporate Business Incorporation Incorporated, now with $15.7 million in its bank account (plus the $47.32 Cohen made as an hourly worker at Party City), begins dispersing that money back to the principals.
It contracts Two Scoops LLC (another Trump venture) as well as Russian Oligarch LLC, both as “Industrial Enterprise Management Consultants.” Over the next eight months, Corporate Business Incorporation Incorporated slowly pays these Industrial Enterprise Management Consultants: $9 million to Selnikov and $6.7 million to Donald Trump. Both payments are listed as “international charity work” as Two Scoops LLC and Russian Oligarch LLC both donate $1 to the Trump Foundation.
The transaction is now complete. The only substantial risk is if one of the parties with knowledge of the precise nature of the deal speaks to federal investigators—which is exactly one of the (many, many) swords that Putin dangles over Trump’s head.
Steele Dossier: Section 2
PUTIN SET IN MOTION PLAN TO HACK DEMOCRATIC EMAILS TO ASSIST TRUMP CAMPAIGN
Summary:
• As soon as Trump entered the presidential race PUTIN began providing assistance to his campaign
• PUTIN suggested hiring PAUL MANAFORT, who was well known for running winning political campaigns in the East, to replace COREY LEWANDOWSKI, who was well known for getting kicked out of Little League games for shouting at the umpire
• A writing team for Russia’s top-rated sitcom, Evgeny’s Haunted Saab, was enlisted to invent devastating nicknames for Trump’s competitors. These nicknames include “Lyin’ Ted,” “Little Marco,” and “Crooked Hillary.” Other nicknames, like “Craptastic Chris Christie” and “Daffy Chafee,” were never used.
• Russia also launched an extensive program of offensive cyber operations aimed at creating unrest and distraction among Americans. These cyber initiatives include websites that ask if they can send you pop-up notifications and that Netflix feature where a trailer starts playing if you hover over a title for more than two seconds.
• PUTIN also ordered a hacking campaign aimed at uncovering the contents of the Democratic National Committee’s emails. The Let’s Get Podesta! Hackathon Sponsored by IBM and Facebook attracted hackers like Guccifer 2.0, Anonymous, Fancy Bear, the Cyber, 400 Lb. Bedroom Guys, Myspace Tom, and the Hack Street Boys.
Detail:
1. Source R, who plays with PUTIN in an adults-only dodgeball league, says that in March 2016 the hacking group Fancy Bear sent a phishing email to JOHN PODESTA, chairman of Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign.
2. The email offered PODESTA a special 40 percent Bed Bath & Beyond coupon for both in-store and online purchases—an offer that a savvy internet user would recognize as too good to be true but that enticed Podesta with its sale on FLOATING BOOKSHELVES.
3. When PODESTA navigated to claim the coupon, the phony site asked for Podesta’s EMAIL ADDRESS AND PASSWORD, which Podesta gave. The hackers used this information to gain access to PODESTA’s emails, as wel
l as his parents’ HBO GO ACCOUNT.
4. The Russian hackers assembled the Podesta emails while binge-watching all seven seasons of HBO sitcom ARLI$$.
5. The Podesta emails included several contents embarrassing to CLINTON, including revelations that her favorite movie of 2015 was MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: ROGUE NATION.
6. When Clinton communications director JENNIFER PALMIERI asked “What about Inside Out?” CLINTON responded with an eye-rolling emoji and wrote “Inside Out wasn’t even as good The Spongebob Movie: Sponge Out of Water.”
7. PUTIN put into motion a plan to get these damning emails into the hands of the TRUMP campaign, setting up a June 2016 meeting with new Trump campaign manager PAUL MANAFORT, Trump son-in-law JARED KUSHNER, and Fredo-esque Trump son DONALD TRUMP JR.
Russian Code Names for Trump Associates
With the help of investigators at the CIA, our team learned that Russian intelligence referred to each relevant member of the Trump transition team by a code name in their communications.
The CIA successfully intercepted communications between Russian intelligence officers and decrypted these code names. Here is each Trump associate and their Russian code name, translated as strictly as possible from the Russian:
Rex Tillerson: “Drowsy Oil Bear”
Jeff Sessions: “Diminutive Cowboy with Lady Jeans”
Julian Assange: “Code Monkey Trapped in Embassy Closet”
Steve Bannon: “Rumpled Khaki Monster”
Donald Trump Jr.: “Tube of Hair Gel Cursed by Witch”
Eric Trump: “Clueless Failure Child”
Ivanka Trump: “Golden Child Barbie”
Jared Kushner: “Legacy Admission Ken”
Tiffany Trump: “She Seems Nice, Actually”
Michael Cohen: “Jos A. Bonehead”
Sean Spicer: “Sunburnt Liar Puppet”
Kellyanne Conway: “Can-I-Talk-to-Your-Manager Conway”
Sarah Huckabee Sanders: “Human Frown Emoji”
Michael Flynn: “Admiral Chemtrails”
Michael Flynn Jr.: “Chemtrails Jr.”
Paul Manafort: “Future Gulag Inhabitant”
Donald J. Trump: “Hotel Movie Star”
Person of Interest: Paul Manafort
* * *
Paul Manafort, wondering if maybe he’s addicted to opening Swiss bank accounts
ROLE: Campaign Manager for Donald J. Trump
FORMER ROLE: Campaign Manager for a Congolese Dictator Who Was Arrested in a Buenos Aires Hotel Room with 300 Machine Guns and a Bathtub Full of Cocaine
SKILLS: Can find you a driver, translator, firepower, muscle—whatever you need, no problem
ACCOMPLISHMENTS: First person to simultaneously manage a campaign for U.S. president and the suppression of a Chechen uprising
FUN FACTS: A graduate of the screenwriting department at USC (Ukrainian School of Cinema), he is now shopping around his autobiographical screenplay, “Manafort’s Destiny: One Stone-Cold Pimp’s Journey Through Hell and Back”
WHAT WE’RE LOOKING FOR: Evidence that Manafort helped to solicit the WikiLeaks emails from the Russians for use during the Trump campaign
Paul Manafort’s One-Page Pitch to Clients
The following document was found stapled to a telephone pole in Mogadishu. It is typical of the outreach done to foreign governments by Manafort prior to his joining the Trump campaign as manager.
Paul Manafort & Associates
Are you wanted for war crimes by The Hague?
Have your international bank accounts been frozen by members of the UN Security Council?
Did hundreds of thousands of citizens storm a public square to demand that you step down, despite your having won 103 percent of the vote in a fair and free election?
Then you better call PAUL MANAFORT & ASSOCIATES, the only consulting firm/unregistered foreign agents that can take you from “disgraced despot” to “fund-raising dinner with Sheldon Adelson”!
Either you’ll be released from all U.S. government sanctions or we’ll give you a free black market submarine—guaranteed!
We offer a wide range of services to ruling-class oligarchs and scrappy rebel leaders alike, including:
Rehabilitating your image after you’re linked to a string of poisonings
Converting the gold you’ve stolen into real estate holdings in Seabrook, New Jersey
Setting up meetings with Dana Rohrabacher (R-CA)
Making the middle class more comfortable with you when your nickname is “the Butcher”
Getting you a byline on the Wall Street Journal op-ed page
Weapons!
Smuggling you out of the country when the revolution breaches the palace walls
And MORE!
Whether you’re attempting to regain the world’s sympathies after a devastating exposé on Dateline, or you want to acquire a few “just-in-case” rocket launchers, then don’t wait: call Paul Manafort & Associates—before you’re captured by INTERPOL!
Person of Interest: Donald Trump Jr.
* * *
Donald Trump Jr., thinking up a sick burn to take down his archnemesis, the Merriam-Webster Twitter account
ROLE: Oldest son of President Donald Trump; Executive Director, the Trump Organization
FORMER ROLES: Chief of Beef, Trump Steaks; Moderator of “Total Crossfit Babes” Subreddit
SKILLS: Isn’t Eric
ACCOMPLISHMENTS: Awarded a Gentleman’s C+ on his University of Pennsylvania MBA thesis, “Why Nice Jugs Are MONEY”
FUN FACT: Considered to be the Bad Boy of the Trump kids, like AJ from the Backstreet Boys or Hoda Kotb on the Today show
WHAT WE’RE LOOKING INTO: Whether he attempted to collude with the Russian government by obtaining hacked emails
The Incriminating Emails of Donald Trump Jr.
In the lead-up to the Trump Tower meeting, Donald Trump Jr. sent several emails to the Russian delegation that he probably wishes he could take back. We have selected the most incriminating of these emails below.
* * *
FROM: DJTrumpJR@hotmail.com (“Donald Trump Jr.”)
TO: Veselnitskaya, Natalia; Akhmetshin, Rinat; Samochornov, Anatoli; Kushner, Jared; Manafort, Paul
SUBJECT: Trump Tower Meeting
* * *
Hey Brothas from a Mother Russia,
Don’t tell the Feds (seriously lol), but our big meeting is ON for June 9 at Trump Tower aka the Four Treasons Hotel.
Peace (or should I say “Mir”?)
Donny Trump the Dos
FROM: DJTrumpJR@hotmail.com (“Donald Trump Jr.”)
TO: Veselnitskaya, Natalia; Akhmetshin, Rinat; Samochornov, Anatoli; Kushner, Jared; Manafort, Paul
SUBJECT: Re: Trump Tower Meeting
* * *
If you like pina colludas
And getting caught in the rain
Then I’ll see you at Trump Tower
I got collusion on my brain.
16 days!
Don Jr.
FROM: DJTrumpJR@hotmail.com (“Donald Trump Jr.”)
TO: Veselnitskaya, Natalia; Akhmetshin, Rinat; Samochornov, Anatoli; Kushner, Jared; Manafort, Paul
SUBJECT: Re: Trump Tower Meeting
* * *
Got a joke for you guys
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cole.
Cole who?
Cole-who-sion is happening at Trump Tower in 13 days, baby!
Don Jr.
FROM: CollusionDaddy16@aol.com (“Donald Trump Jr.”)
TO: Veselnitskaya, Natalia; Akhmetshin, Rinat; Samochornov, Anatoli; Kushner, Jared; Manafort, Paul
SUBJECT: Re: Trump Tower Meeting
* * *
Hey y’all
Check out my new email address. Pretty sick, huh?
8 days away!
Don Jr.
FROM: CollusionDaddy16@aol.com (“Donald Trump Jr.”)
TO: Veselnitskaya, Natalia; Akhmetshin, Rinat; Samochornov,
Anatoli; Kushner, Jared; Manafort, Paul
SUBJECT: Re: Trump Tower Meeting
* * *
5 days! So pumped! I always falsify my tax returns and I got an insider stock tip before Lehman Brothers declared bankruptcy! I hope the FBI never reads this!
Don Jr.
FROM: RussianLawyerChick@aol.com (“Natalia Veselnitskaya”)
TO: Trump Jr., Donald; Akhmetshin, Rinat; Samochornov, Anatoli; Kushner, Jared; Manafort, Paul
SUBJECT: Re: Trump Tower Meeting
* * *
Hello Trump campaign,
We have just landed in Newark, New Jersey, at what I can only assume is the airport for a maximum security prison.
As a reminder, the subject of the meeting tomorrow is “adoption.”
Specifically, we are hoping the Trump campaign might “adopt” an “orphaned Moscow child” named “WikiLeaks Email Dump.” Are you interested?
Natalia
FROM: CollusionDaddy16@aol.com (“Donald Trump Jr.”)
TO: Veselnitskaya, Natalia; Akhmetshin, Rinat; Samochornov, Anatoli; Kushner, Jared; Manafort, Paul
SUBJECT: Re: Trump Tower Meeting
* * *
Wait, the name of the kid is “WikiLeaks Email Dump”? Is it a girl or a boy?
FROM: RussiaLawyerChick@aol.com (Veselnitskaya, Natalia)
TO: Akhmetshin, Rinat; Samochornov, Anatoli; Kushner, Jared; Manafort, Paul; Trump Jr., Donald