The Mueller Report
Page 11
SUBJECT: Re: Trump Tower Meeting
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Do not think of this “adoption” as a girl or boy; think of “Wikileaks Email Dump” as a “child” that the Trump campaign could “nurture” into “political weapon against Hillary Clinton.”
Do you understand now?
FROM: CollusionDaddy16@aol.com (“Donald Trump Jr.”)
TO: Manafort, Paul; Kushner, Jared
SUBJECT: Re: Trump Tower Meeting
* * *
Removing the Russians from the chain. I’m sorry but is anyone following this adoption thing?
I don’t want to adopt a baby. I’m going windsurfing next weekend. Jared, could you watch the baby while I go windsurfing?
I thought we were going to collude with them. Why isn’t she talking about collusion
FROM: KushKing@InvestInKushnerCo.com (“Jared Kushner”)
TO: Manafort, Paul; Trump Jr., Donald
SUBJECT: Re: Trump Tower Meeting
* * *
I can have my au pair watch the baby. In the meantime: Wikileaks Email Dump doesn’t work as a baby name for me. . . . As a branding expert I’ve brainstormed some names that will play better in midwestern states like Vermont:
Blue-Collar Baby Names by Jared Kushner
Nail
Floorboard
Shanty
Green Bean
Mousetrap
Overalls
Slint
Dollar General
Egg
Toaster
Thoughts?
FROM: Manafort, Paul
TO: Kushner, Jared; Trump Jr., Donald
SUBJECT: Re: Trump Tower Meeting
* * *
Sorry for the radio silence. I had to take care of some unfinished business with a cartel in Mogadishu. Don Jr., can you run point on this? My consulting team out here had to cut down the telephone lines for tactical reasons.
FROM: CollusionDaddy16@aol.com (“Donald Trump Jr.”)
TO: Veselnitskaya, Natalia; Akhmetshin, Rinat; Samochornov, Anatoli; Comey, James; Kushner, Jared; Manafort, Paul
SUBJECT: Re: Trump Tower Meeting
* * *
Natalia, I have discussed with my colleagues. If it’s what you say I love it especially later in the summer.
Earlier in the summer is not so good: In June I’ve got my bro Darby’s bachelor party/bail hearing in the Hamptons and then in July I’m on safari with Robert Durst’s lawyer and Kid Rock.
But later in the summer: that’s the season for treason, my Russians! Let’s make collusion happen and keep this meeting top secret!
FROM: CollusionDaddy16@aol.com (“Donald Trump Jr.”)
TO: Veselnitskaya, Natalia; Akhmetshin, Rinat; Samochornov, Anatoli; Comey, James; Kushner, Jared; Manafort, Paul
SUBJECT: Re: Trump Tower Meeting
* * *
Just realized I accidentally CC’ed FBI Director James Comey on that one. Sorry about that, Jimmy! Can you please ignore the email?
Thanks bud! Moving Comey to BCC.
Text Messages Between Minor Players in the Trump Tower Meeting
* * *
June 8, 2016
One day before the Trump Tower meeting, several minor players who were key to setting up the meeting (but whom you’ve probably forgotten) texted each other in a group chat.
* * *
CARTER PAGE
Is everyone ready for the Trump Tower meeting
GEORGE PAPADOPOULOS
Absolutely!
RICK GATES
Heck yeah!
ROB GOLDSTONE
You know it!
CARTER PAGE
Okay sorry if this is rude
But can everyone remind me who they are?
There are just a TON of people involved
RICK GATES
No offense taken
GEORGE PAPADOPOULOS
I barely know what role I play in all this
Much less the rest of you
ROB GOLDSTONE
Yeah all of your names sound vaguely familiar
But beyond that I’ve got nothing
RICK GATES
Is Carter Page the “coffee boy” or is it that Papadopoulos
GEORGE PAPADOPOULOS
I think Carter’s the coffee boy?
And at some point he wore a funny hat?
Also no offense but who is Rick Gates?
RICK GATES
I’m Paul Manafort’s business associate!
I have a beard
I absolutely understand why you can’t remember who I am
I BARELY know who Paul Manafort is
CARTER PAGE
And Rob Goldstone is . . .
ROB GOLDSTONE
I’m a British music publicist
Who works for a Russian-Azerbaijani pop star
And I am going to attend this top-secret political meeting
Between a U.S. presidential candidate and members of Putin’s inner circle
This is somehow not even one of the top 100 weirdest things about the meeting!
RICK GATES
Oh yeah!
Cool, cool, this is all sounding familiar now
Roger Stone joined the group
ROGER STONE
Hey gang, remember me, from the Nixon White House?
I’m somehow involved in this too!
RICK GATES
How?
ROGER STONE
I have no idea!
Erik Prince joined the group
ERIK PRINCE
Hey, founder of Blackwater here, wanted to remind you that I too am involved
RICK GATES
Jesus
ERIK PRINCE
I attended a meeting set up by the United Arab Emirates in the Seychelles with a Putin-linked Russian wealth fund manager in an attempt to coordinate a backchannel between Trump and Russia.
ROB GOLDSTONE
Nope! Too confusing!
Erik Prince was ejected from the group
CARTER PAGE
God this is so convoluted
Why couldn’t the Russians just send a Google Calendar invite
GEORGE PAPADOPOULOS
I don’t know
Anyway I’m sure we all have jobs to get back to, whatever those jobs are
See you all in a year if we ever get investigated for this!
Schedule at the Trump Tower Meeting Room
* * *
June 9, 2016
The following schedule was put together by our investigative team. It shows what we believe to be all activities in the meeting room at Trump Tower on the day of the Trump campaign’s meeting with Russia.
* * *
8:30 A.M.: Trump singles mixer with coffee and donuts (married men welcome!)
9:00 A.M.: Catering arrives for Russia meeting (Remember: Jared likes Fig Newtons for breakfast)
9:15 A.M.: Melania Trump enters the meeting room with several large potted plants. “The acoustics in here are wonderful for these plants,” she says.
9:30 A.M.: Russia meeting
11:45 A.M.: Paul Manafort sends follow-up emails, thanking all Russians for their time and suggestions on U.S. banking laws
12:00 P.M.: Brainstorm for a new product called Trumper Cars: “Luxurious bumper cars for high-net-worth bumper car clientele”
12:17 P.M.: Melania returns and collects her potted plants. “The vegetation, it has done its job,” she says mysteriously.
1:00 P.M.: Eric Trump, miffed about not being invited, convenes his own Russia meeting. Attendees include Eric Trump’s wife, Scott Baio, and a cardboard cutout of Chris Pratt from Jurassic World with Vladimir Putin’s face taped over it
2:00 P.M.: Michael Cohen reserves the room to print, collate, and staple hush-money settlements for women the president slept with in January 2007
4:00 P.M.: Michael Cohen finishes preparing all 308 settlements
4:15 P.M.: End of work day at Trump Tower; beginning of happy hour at Trump T
ower Bar & Grill ($22 mixed drinks and $1 off Taco Bowls if you say “The Hispanics love me!” when you pay)
Steele Dossier: Section 3
THE RUSSIAN DELEGATION EXCHANGED INFORMATION ABOUT THE HACKED PODESTA EMAILS DURING A MEETING AT TRUMP TOWER
Summary:
• In June 2016 members from PUTIN’s Russia delegation and the TRUMP campaign met at TRUMP TOWER
• The Russian delegation had flown to America to deliver information about HACKED DNC EMAILS and also because many of the Russians were craving AN AUTHENTIC NEW YORK BAGEL
• The Russian delegation was led by Putin-connected lawyer NATALIA VESELNITSKAYA, who has represented the KREMLIN in collusion efforts previously
• The Trump campaign was led by DONALD TRUMP JR., who was wearing a LEATHER MOTORCYCLE JACKET emblazoned with a bald eagle and the words “KEEP HONKING, I’M COLLUDING”
• The meeting lasted for 90 minutes, 60 minutes of which was JARED KUSHNER sharing a proposal for a BRAND-NEW SEGWAY DEALERSHIP
• PAUL MANAFORT was also in attendance, though sources say he spoke very little and smelled weirdly of GUNPOWDER and BERBERE SPICE
• The Russian delegation provided TRUMP campaign with a thumb drive that included the PODESTA EMAILS and an UNRELEASED ALBUM BY THE WU-TANG CLAN
• The Russian delegation instructed the TRUMP team to wait until later in the summer for the release of the emails. They then attended a Broadway show: FACE/OFF: THE MUSICAL with HUGH JACKMAN and JOSH GAD, which they deemed “LOUD”
• DONALD J. TRUMP was fully aware of the Russia meeting and its purpose, and even stopped in to see if anyone wanted anything from ARBY’S
• At a debriefing meeting in TRUMP’s apartment, HOPE HICKS, the personal secretary to TRUMP, warned that news of this meeting could not leak to the media. At the debrief meeting were TRUMP, TRUMP JR., MANAFORT, KUSHNER, and MELANIA TRUMP, who was SWEEPING THE FLOOR and WHISTLING and MINDING HER OWN BUSINESS nearby.
New York Times Story Revealing Trump Tower Meeting
* * *
July 8, 2017
Almost one year later, news of the Trump Tower meeting leaked out to the New York Times.
* * *
Trump Team Met with Kremlin Lawyer During Campaign
By Matt Apuzzo
In June 2016 Donald Trump Jr. arranged a secret meeting at Trump Tower with a lawyer who has been linked to the Kremlin, the New York Times has learned.
Also in attendance were Paul Manafort, the Trump campaign manager, and Jared Kushner, who days later would receive $40 million from a Russia-based oligarch to open a waterfront Segway dealership in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.
President Trump was not in attendance at the meeting, as sources say he was attending a private meeting in a bungalow at the Hollywood Hilton with a “major donor” known only as S. Daniels. But there is a chance that . . .
Mr. Mueller, you have used your 10 free articles for the month. Subscribe now to support quality journalism?
Jared Kushner’s Statement on the Trump Tower Meeting
* * *
July 8, 2017
Jared Kushner, realizing this news might jeopardize his Segway dealership, was first out of the gate with a press conference. Kushner offered the following account of the meeting.
* * *
Jared Kushner gives his explanation for why he forgot to disclose the 2016 meeting at Trump Tower.
No part of the meeting I attended included anything about the campaign. There was no follow-up to the meeting that I am aware of, I do not recall who was there, and I have no knowledge of any documents being offered or accepted.
My eyes were closed from the moment I entered the room, and just to be safe I put a giant potato sack over my head.
“Is everyone ready to do collusion?” the villainous Paul Manafort said, but I could not hear him because I was blasting Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” at full volume on my noise-canceling headphones. I was so disoriented that, immediately upon entering the meeting, I walked directly into a ceiling fan whose whirling blades knocked me unconscious before the Russians had even arrived.
When I awoke, the meeting had long ended, and the only person in the room was a janitor with a mop bucket.
“Where am I?” I asked the kindly janitor, rubbing my forehead where it had been knocked by a fan blade.
“You are in the Trump Tower meeting room,” the janitor said. “You have been in a coma for seventy-two hours, a time period that coincides with Paul Manafort’s highly illegal meeting with treacherous Russian lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya.”
I gave the janitor a $100 bill and returned home, where I ate ravenously, as only a man who has been out cold for the past three days could. I consumed an entire roast chicken in one sitting. My children watched in awe as I gorged myself on the meat of the bird.
I will be taking no further questions at this time.
White House Communications Team Reacts to a Damning Story About Donald Trump Jr.
* * *
July 8, 2017
The New York Times story was much worse for Donald Trump Jr. (which you would be able to read if SOMEONE hadn’t used all of our NYT articles on the crossword, SHARON).
The White House Communications Team went into red alert. President Trump huddled on Air Force One with Communications Director Hope Hicks, White House spokeswoman Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and Trump social media director Dan Scavino.
They thought they had put New York Times reporter Matt Apuzzo on mute; in reality, they had put him on speakerphone. Mr. Apuzzo forwarded the conversation to our office.
* * *
HOPE HICKS: All right, team, this seems bad. The story is 100 percent true. What’s our play?
SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS: First, we need to deny the story.
DAN SCAVINO: Even though it’s true?
SARAH SANDERS: Especially because it’s true.
PRESIDENT TRUMP: The dishonest press lies about me all the time. Just the other day they claimed I had a daughter named “Tiffany.”
HOPE HICKS: All right, let’s get the machine rolling.
DAN SCAVINO: I’ll send out a tweet calling Matt Apuzzo a “Grade A Putz” and “Third-Rate Loser.”
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Make sure you throw in a “Sad!”
DAN SCAVINO: Don’t worry, I have a Chrome extension that automatically adds “Sad!” to any tweet with “Failing New York Times.”
SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS: You should send out another tweet as a distraction. Something about Hillary colluding with Colin Kaepernick or the president being “treated very unfairly” by Auntie Anne’s Pretzels.
HOPE HICKS: How about if we said Obama tapped the phones at Trump Tower?
DAN SCAVINO: Ooh, that’s good—but not “pointless four-day news cycle on CNN” good.
HOPE HICKS: He could misspell tap.
SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS: How could anyone possibly misspell tap?
HOPE HICKS: T-a-p-p? Why did Obama “tapp” my phones?
PRESIDENT TRUMP: This is why I pay you the big bucks. I mean, not as much as I would pay a much less talented man, but—
SARAH SANDERS: Speaking of: A much less talented man could take some heat off this story.
HOPE HICKS: Yeah, you should hire someone with tons of pizzazz and zero self-awareness.
DAN SCAVINO: Someone who will dominate social media every time he opens his mouth.
SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS: Someone who you can fire in two weeks after he spirals out of control like Ray Liotta at the end of Goodfellas.
ALL FOUR AT THE SAME TIME: Anthony Scaramucci!
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Fantastic. You send the tweets, I’ll hire the Mooch, and we’ll work on that statement. No son of mine is going to prison unless it’s Eric. Also, I’m looking at this photo of Matt Apuzzo: Is it just me or does he have a huge forehead?
Donald Trump Jr.’s Statement Regarding Trump Tower Meeting
* * *
July 8, 2017
The following statement, attribut
ed to Donald Trump Jr., was released to news organizations twenty minutes later.
If President Trump was involved in writing this statement, it could amount to obstruction of justice. After thorough forensic analysis, we believe that President Trump did, indeed, contribute to the statement.
* * *
The story by Gigantic Forehead Havin’ Matt Apuzzo in the Failing New York Times is completely false. SAD!
On June 9, 2016, I, Donald Trump Jr., son of Huge Deals President Donald Trump, whose Historic Electoral College victory was recently certified Platinum by the RIAA, briefly attended an introductory meeting with a few Russian nationals who were in town.