The Mueller Report
Page 12
Also attending the meeting were Real Estate Genius Jared Kushner and Very Suspicious Paul Manafort, who is not related in any way to President Trump, hint hint FBI.
We were told the meeting would be about adoption. At the meeting Jared, Paul, and I primarily discussed adopting an adorable Russian child, a la the beloved 1987 Steve Guttenberg comedy Three Men and a Baby.
It soon became clear that there was no baby to adopt, and that the Russians were only in town to provide damaging information about the Disastrous Campaign being run by Crooked Hillary who, by the way—EMAILS!
We immediately got up, threw away the Paw Patrol DVDs we were hoping to gift to the Russian baby, and left the room.
We never spoke to them again.
List of Alibis from Eric Trump, Even Though He Is Not a Suspect
* * *
July 9, 2017
Although no one from our office asked, an attorney representing Eric Trump dropped off these alibis for the day of the Trump Tower meeting.
* * *
Eric Trump was not present at the Trump Tower meeting, despite multiple family members and campaign officials begging him to attend due to his well-established wisdom on matters strategic and political.
The following represents Mr. Trump’s entire schedule for the day in question:
9:00 A.M.: Eric Trump was nailing it in the bedroom.
10:00 A.M.: Eric Trump was in a meeting regarding a possible Donald J. Trump Children’s Hospital & Steakhouse.
11:00 A.M.: Eric Trump was landing the first 1440 double-cork backflip in X Games history.
12:00 P.M.: Eric Trump was charitying.
1:00 P.M.: Eric Trump was getting a luxury haircut.
2:00 P.M.: Eric Trump was attending a birthday party for his best friend and weight-lifting partner, Vin Diesel.
3:00 P.M.: Eric Trump was gently rejecting the romantic advances of Jessicas Alba and Biel.
4:00 P.M.: Eric Trump was in the emergency room after dunking a basketball too hard.
5:00 P.M.: Eric Trump was penning the sequel to the beloved novel To Kill a Mockingbird.
6:00 P.M.: Eric Trump was receiving a MacArthur Genius Grant for his contributions to “crushing it.”
7:00 P.M.: Eric Trump was inventing the Hyperloop.
8:00 P.M.: Eric Trump was nailing it in the bedroom (again).
Thank you.
Eric Barron Miller J.D.
Attorney for Eric Trump
Email Sent by Paul Manafort After News of the Trump Tower Meeting
* * *
July 9, 2017
Paul Manafort did not release a statement concerning the Trump Tower meeting. We did, however, discover this email, sent from Mr. Manafort’s personal account on the day that Mr. Kushner held his press conference.
* * *
FROM: Manafort, Paul
TO: Assad, Bashar-Al
SUBJECT: Let’s collaborate
* * *
Hi Bashar,
I’ll cut right to the chase: You need image work and I need diplomatic immunity and a helicopter out of Westhampton.
I’m working on an autobiographical screenplay, MANAFORT’S DESTINY, that I think solves both our problems. We can pitch it to Netflix as a sort of War Dogs–meets–Lady Bird redemption story. Take a look and let me know.
Paul
ManafortsDestiny_Final_Edits2_FINAL.pdf
Page One of “Manafort’s Destiny: One Stone-Cold Pimp’s Journey Through Hell and Back”
The following is the first page of Paul Manafort’s autobiographical screenplay. We have excluded the remainder of the screenplay to spare you the experience of reading the entire thing.
* * *
We open with a BANG on the Penthouse Suite at the Ritz-Carlton Mogadishu. PAUL MANAFORT, 36, oozing sex appeal like prime-time Fabio, lounges in a heart-shaped bed with two SEXY WOMEN who can’t keep their hands off him.
PAUL MANAFORT
Ladies, behave. I’m only one Man . . . afort.
The girls laugh hysterically at this masterful wordplay. Paul’s cell phone rings; the ringtone is “Back in Black” by AC/DC. The phone call is from SYRIAN PRESIDENT BASHAR AL-ASSAD, 51, a good guy whose efforts to rebuild the nation he so deeply loves have been badly misreported by the biased Western media.
PAUL MANAFORT
Manafort here.
BASHAR AL-ASSAD
Paul, buddy! I hope I’m not interrupting.
Manafort looks at the two women and then smiles DIRECTLY into the camera.
PAUL MANAFORT
You can’t interrupt a party that never stops.
BASHAR AL-ASSAD
I have some terrible news, Paul. The cancer vaccine that has been developed by Syria’s top scientists . . . it has been stolen by the infidel leader of opposition group Syrian National Council. We need to get it back. Can you set up a fund-raising gala with Rick Santorum and the American Enterprise Institute?
PAUL MANAFORT
Bashar, my buddy: This is what I do. Get me $13 million and a first-class suite at the Sheraton-Aleppo and you’ll be in business.
Steele Dossier: Section 4
DONALD TRUMP’S ACTIVITIES IN RUSSIA PROVIDED PUTIN WITH BLACKMAIL IN THE FORM OF A SURVEILLANCE TAPE
Summary:
• In 2013 PUTIN put into motion a plan to obtain the country’s single most powerful piece of kompromat ever—more potent even than the kompromat held against LINDSAY LOHAN, whom Russia had deployed for years on Operation Chaos Starlet.
• Backstage at the Miss Universe Pageant in 2013, TRUMP was approached by TWO ESCORTS who whispered something into his ear. TRUMP is reported to have responded, “ZOWIE WOWIE WOW WOW.”
• Meanwhile the FSB installed a surveillance camera in TRUMP’s hotel suite at the Ritz-Carlton Moscow.
Detail:
1. Source M indicated that there were two copies of the resulting tape: one in the possession of PUTIN, and one given to TRUMP following his victory in the GOP primary over LITTLE MARCO as a reminder of Russia’s leverage.
2. Source A, whose name rhymes with Badimir Lootin’, says that TRUMP knows not to cross PUTIN. If he does, the source says, PUTIN plans to screen the Ritz-Carlton tape across 4,300 theaters in America like the opening weekend of a POINTLESS STAR WARS SPIN-OFF.
3. TRUMP has attempted to track down PUTIN’s copy of the tape, as well as the author of this dossier, CHRISTOPHER STEELE. Hey, that’s ME!
4. Source Q, a mystical Russian shaman who often treats PUTIN for tennis elbow, confirms that TRUMP possesses a copy of the tape.
5. Source Q added that whosoever can solve her RIDDLE shall locate TRUMP’s copy of the Ritz-Carlton tape.
6. The RIDDLE is as follows: the tape’s location is OPEN TO ALL yet HIGHLY SECURE; PERSONAL to Trump yet FAMILIAR for SURE; somewhere that feels both NEW and OLD; somewhere that is both HOT and COLD.
7. Source Q continued that the riddle’s MEANING may boggle the MIND; but the PERSON who SOLVES it, a PEE TAPE shall find.
President Trump’s Complaint List
* * *
May 4, 2018
President Trump’s new Chief of Staff, General John Kelly, sent the following email to the entire White House staff in May 2018. It shows President Trump’s continued preoccupation with the allegations in the Steele Dossier.
* * *
FROM: John.Kelly@WhiteHouse.gov
TO: AllStaff@WhiteHouse.gov
SUBJECT: Trump Complaint List 05/04/2018
* * *
Good morning staffers,
I hope you are having a rigorous and disciplined morning.
President Trump will not be available this weekend, as he is headed to Mar-A-Lago with Gene Simmons from KISS and Dennis Rodman. We wish them the best of luck deciding whether to stay in the Iran deal.
I also wanted to pass along this week’s COMPLAINT LIST. I hope you will see fit not to leak this document to the press. Not naming any names, KELLYANNE.
President Trump’s Co
mplaint List for the Week of May 4
14. Why isn’t there a TCBY in the War Room?
13. Why doesn’t the President’s Daily Briefing have a centerfold?
12. Why does the White House have a West Wing and an East Wing but not a Buffalo Wild Wings?
11. Why does the D.C. housing committee keep denying Trump’s plans to rezone the Washington Monument into luxury apartments?
10. Camp David would be better if it had “a big beautiful unisex steam room.”
9. The Mainstream Media is unfairly mocking Trump for repeatedly referring to Argentine president Mauricio Macri as “Mauricio Povich.”
8. The Mainstream Media is unfairly mocking Trump for trying to eat one of the eggs at the White House Easter Egg Hunt.
7. FBI Director Christopher Wray refused to give Trump the phone number of Agent Dana Scully.
6. Can we put Stormy Daniels’ lawyer in jail or something?
5. The President would like to do more events where he gets to shout through a megaphone.
4. H. R. McMaster is nowhere near as cool in person as his name suggests.
3. Mitch McConnell refuses to advance Trump’s federal judge nomination of Ally McBeal.
2. John Kelly never lets Trump retweet any fun political GIFs where he’s hitting Wolf Blitzer’s head like a golf ball.
1. We must discredit the Steele Dossier.
Eric Trump Attempts to Locate Christopher Steele
In June 2018, Eric Trump, in an ill-fated attempt to win his father’s favor, began a mission to track down Christopher Steele, the mysterious author of the Steele dossier.
He did not succeed. In one of his most ill-fated attempts, Trump attempted to contact 137 Christopher Steeles on Facebook.
* * *
You have entered the chat with Christopher Steele, Christopher Steele, Christopher Steele, and 134 others.
* * *
Eric
I KNOW ONE OF YOU IS THE BASTARD SPY CHRISTOPHER STEELE. IDENTIFY YOURSELF.
Christopher Steele has left the group.
Christopher Steele has left the group.
Eric
GET BACK HERE
Christopher Steele has left the group.
Christopher
I have never seen so many other Cristopher Steeles! Hello from Wayne, Indiana.
Christopher
Baba Booey!!!
Chris
Indiana sucks dude lmao
Christopher Steele has left the group.
Eric
Which one of you wrote that disgusting dossier about my Father?
M. Christopher
Chris, I’m no fan of Indiana, but your comments are exactly what’s wrong with the world today. Instead of attacking each other, we need to find common ground.
Chris
lmao dude your head look like a smushed muffin
M. Christopher Steele has left the group.
Eric
I’M GOING TO GET YOU STEELE!!!
Contents of a Package Sent to Robert Mueller’s Investigators by the Mysterious Melania T.
In May 2018 our office received a package marked only as “FROM MELANIA T XOXO.” The package contained two VHS tapes and a note. This is the content of the note.
* * *
Mr. Mueller,
I am sorry that I could not be more help to your investigation. The fact that Donald Trump is not currently in prison but is holding an infrastructure rally with Dinesh D’Souza and Fabio is so upsetting to me.
But I do have one last piece of evidence you might find useful.
For months I have attempted to locate the Ritz-Carlton tape. I had read the Steele Dossier, which indicated that the tape was located somewhere highly personal to the President yet familiar to all.
Could it be at his first office in Trump Tower, I wondered, the site where he brokered breakthrough deals for Trump Vaseline and the Donald J. Trump Lead Paint Factory in Chernobyl?
Or might it be in his apartment, where he has such fond memories of raising 40 percent of his children?
Or might it be in Donald’s childhood home, out in a working-class neighborhood in Queens, where Little Donald grew up on the mean streets with nothing but a stickball bat and a $60 million trust from his well-connected father?
I searched these places thoroughly, Mr. Mueller, and I found no tape.
And then the other week I had the opportunity to rummage through the Oval Office. Usually there’s always someone in there—even late at night, Mike Pence likes to sit behind the Resolute Desk and mutter “Soon . . .” to himself again and again.
But on this night, I had free range. The entire White House staff was at a party celebrating the incredible future for the ABC reboot of Roseanne. The building was eerily empty, like the State Department after Rex Tillerson took over.
So I crept in. The historic Oval Office looked largely the same, with its eight big-screen televisions and its grand, historical portraits of Tawny Kitaen and Heather Locklear.
And that’s when it hit me: this place was both highly secure and open to all, and intimately personal to the President yet familiar to everyone in America.
I started looking around. Immediately my eyes fell on the deep fryer that the President had installed where there had once been an MLK bust. I could not help but notice the deep fryer was located right beneath an air-conditioning vent. Hot and cold! New and old!
I inspected the deep fryer and noticed something odd: the base contained a small compartment; and the compartment had a keyhole; and someone had left the key in that keyhole; and the key was slathered in Arby’s Horsey sauce. It must have been the President!
I unlocked the drawer of the deep fryer and there, rather than corn oil or funnel cake batter, I found three VHS videotapes.
The first videotape was Home Alone 2.
The second videotape was labeled “Career-Ending Outtakes from The Apprentice, Courtesy of Mark Burnett”
And the third videotape was labeled “Ritz-Carlton Moscow, 2013. DO NOT FORWARD TO RONAN FARROW.”
I was able to make copies of both Home Alone 2 and the Ritz-Carlton Moscow tape; I could not get to the other tape because Stephen Miller returned home early from the party and needed to use the Oval Office for his nightly recitation of the Dred Scott verdict.
I could not bring myself to watch one of the tapes, Mr. Mueller, and I think you know why: Lost in New York just doesn’t capture the zany energy of the original.
But the Ritz-Carlton Moscow tape: I feel like that will be of interest to you. When you watch it you will know why President Trump did not want this leaked, and why he was so receptive to the commands of Vladimir Putin during the election.
Also, given the content of the tape, I wouldn’t watch it on the bus or the subway. That would be very awkward.
•
This will be the final message you receive from me for some time, Mr. Mueller. Providing you with material for this report has been one of my great joys. You are a true gentleman, and I’m not just saying that because Michelle Obama once said it: I’m saying it because I mean it.
Good luck completing your report, Mr. Mueller.
I am counting on you. Please hurry up and finish your probe before the President blurts out the nuclear codes in the Mar-A-Lago Bingo Hall again.
Be Best,
“Melania T.”
What I Saw on the Videotape Taken in the Ritz-Carlton Moscow in 2013
What follows is a description and transcript of the Moscow tape that President Trump fought so hard to keep out of the public eye. Our investigators have verified its authenticity, and I have described it as precisely as I can.
* * *
The tape opens on a spacious hotel room, which a plaque indicates is the Presidential Suite at the Ritz-Carlton Moscow.
A newspaper comes into view. The date shows that it is a Washington Post from November 9, 2013, the same evening as the Miss Universe pageant in Moscow.
The Washington Post headlines are typ
ical of the news environment in November 2013: “FORKGATE: Obama Uses Spoon to Eat Mac & Cheese, Sparking Calls for Impeachment”; “The Future of the Republican Party Is Bobby Jindal”; “Robert Mueller Ends Tenure as FBI Director, Looks Forward to ‘Relaxing, Low-Profile’ Retirement.”
The tape zooms out and we see that the figure holding the newspaper is a bellboy. He stands next to a room service cart. Three figures enter the room: Donald J. Trump, wearing a tuxedo; and two tall young women, one blond and one brunette, in tight-fitting dresses.
“Your room service, Mr. Trump,” the bellboy says. He lifts a metal cloche to reveal Mr. Trump’s order: an extra-large casserole dish of meat loaf and a side of deep-fried pigs-in-a-blanket.
“Wonderful, you did a great job,” Mr. Trump says, then slips a tip to the bellboy that appears to be a brochure for the Trump National Doral Golf Course.
The bellboy exits. Mr. Trump sits on the bed, and the two young women sit on either side of him.
“How was pageant?” the brunette asks.
“It was really terrific, huge ratings,” Mr. Trump says. “Everyone is saying this year’s competition was more powerful than 12 Years a Slave, which is so true, it really is.”