With Every Breath

by Niecey Roy

  “Nah. I’m sure he’s got everything under control.” She had her chance, and she’d been too scared to take it. She had to believe she’d chosen the right thing to do, because now Cole had what he needed—his son—every day. With Kensie, he’d have that.

  “If you say so. But hey, I gotta go. I’m doing this thing where I’m running and stuff. You know, getting fit. I’m on the volleyball team this year. I took your old number, how cool is that?”

  “Super cool,” Jaden forced a smile to her voice. “I hope I can come watch a game this season.”

  “Yeah, you better. I actually don’t suck. Coach says I have a mean spike. I told her I’m just taking out all my aggression on that ball, and she’s super cool with it.”

  “Super cool,” Jaden repeated. It was Tatem’s new favorite phrase.

  After they hung up, Jaden watched the sunset, her thoughts with Cole. The moment her plane took off and Nebraska disappeared behind her, she realized she made a mistake not seeing him before she left. Why had she been so certain space was the answer? Hadn’t they had enough of that? She’d been so scared to take a chance that she ran in the opposite direction. Coward, that’s what you are.

  He’d called her once, and she missed it. She should have called him back right away. Instead, she pondered what to say and how to take that next step with him. She went back and forth over the pros and cons, internalizing over how they could make their lives work together when they were miles apart.

  Maybe he wanted to tell her for himself that he’d gotten back together with Kensie. Closure. They hadn’t had that in their past. Was it possible he needed it? Was it possible she needed it too in order to put everything about them out of her mind and move on this time? She supposed she owed it to them both. You should have said good-bye.

  But, what was she supposed to do now? Call him and ask if he was back together with his wife? Congratulate him when he said ‘yes’? She cringed at the idea of it and picked up her laptop to finish the blog post she’d been writing when Tatem called.

  After ten minutes, she gave up. She couldn’t write a thing. To call or not to call, that was the question. To say good-bye forever, or leave it alone.

  Her finger hesitated over his number on her phone. Finally, she tapped it in and waited with her stomach in her throat while the phone rang.

  “Hello?”

  Jaden froze at Kensie’s voice. She opened her mouth to speak, then snapped it shut. She’d called his house phone and now she had the answer she dreaded.

  “Yes?” The ice in the woman’s voice told Jaden she’d looked at the caller ID before answering.

  Jaden cleared her throat. “I... Is Cole there? I’m just returning his call.”

  “He’s busy at the moment. We have steaks on the grill.” The we had been delivered with an underlying warning.

  Jaden flinched. “Right. Okay. I’ll just—”

  “I think you should know that Cole and I are getting back together. We’re going to work on our marriage; it’s what he wants. You shouldn’t call him anymore.”

  “I’m happy for you both, for Micky.” Talking was difficult, her voice strained with emotion. She cleared her throat again. “Bye, Kensie. I wish you the best.”

  She hung up before Kensie could respond.

  While she took deep breaths to slow her speeding heart, a sob escaped. She buried her face in a pillow and cried while her heart shattered. She’d been so stupid to think she could be strong enough to get involved with Cole after all this time. When it came to him, she wasn’t capable of leaving her heart out of it. The logical, cold part of her knew that. This was her fault. She’d known the consequences and gotten involved anyway.

  Silent tears shook her body, and she cried for a heart that was always meant to stay broken. You knew better.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  Cole unlocked the door, tired as hell after a thirteen-hour drive. The house was dark. Micky’s bedtime was eight p.m.; he’d hoped to get home before then. He walked quietly through the house, setting the keys on the kitchen counter beside the refrigerator. All he wanted was a shower and his own bed. He’d never liked sleeping in hotels, but then again, Trey’s snoring from the other side of the room hadn’t made for the best night’s sleep. Having someone soft snuggled into his side would have made the stay better, and the memory of Jaden in his bed made his loins stir.

  A hand on his back almost made him jump out of his skin. He turned. He knew who it was and he wasn’t happy about it.

  Kensie’s lips pouted when she noticed the set of his jaw. She placed her palms on his chest, moving them up to wrap around his neck. He leaned his head back, away from her.

  “What are you doing?” he asked, his voice tight with exasperation.

  “We’re still married, you know.” She smiled despite his obvious irritation.

  “Our divorce is final in a week, Kensie.” He took her hands in his and removed them from his neck, and her eyes flashed like hot wires.

  “We don’t have to be.”

  Her words hit him like slap in the face, and anger coursed through him.

  “Are you crazy?” He stepped to the side to get from between her and the counter. “It’s been six months and all of a sudden you’re rethinking things?”

  “I made a mistake.” Desperation dripped from her words. For the first time he noticed she wore one of his T-shirts with no shorts underneath, her bare legs exposed in the dim light above the kitchen sink.

  “You dragged our family through hell, Kensie. I’d call that a big fucking mistake. Not just a mistake. You didn’t think of me, or Micky, or anyone but yourself.” He raked his hands through his hair, his head reeling. “What happens when in a month you figure out, oh yeah, maybe I really don’t want to be married anymore?”

  She shook her head, her eyes shining with determination. “I won’t. I swear. I love you, Cole.”

  He narrowed his eyes, his head shake slow, and disbelieving. “No. You don’t love me. I don’t think you ever did.”

  “How can you say that!” she screeched, then lowered her voice. “You know I loved you. We were good together.” The bald-faced lie hung heavy in the silence of the house. They’d never been good together; they’d made things work, and that was different. She pressed her eyelids together and inhaled a deep breath.

  She took a deep breath and tried again. “Cole, I know things have been tough. But marriage is tough, relationships are tough. We have a kid together.”

  Her argument sounded so much like something his father would say to him, that Cole sucked in a shaky breath. If Jeremiah were here, he’d tell Cole to work it out, to take Kensie back. She was here, begging. And Micky.

  Micky needed him. Every day. Not every other week. Cole needed him. He would never get used to waking up without the sound of Micky’s little feet running down the hall, his sweet voice telling Cole he loved him before bed each night. The last year had been hell, and every day his heart broke a little more. Would he ever get used to being a part-time dad? It wasn’t what he wanted. Kensie had forced him into that role. It wasn’t fair. It would never be fair.

  Kensie took a hesitant step closer, her hand raised to touch him. “I know this is a lot to take in, but I just don’t want to make a mistake, for Micky’s sake. He loves you so much. We both love you.”

  He didn’t believe for a second she loved him. After all she put him through, how could she say so? She moved out, started a new life. She had a boyfriend, for Christ’s sake!

  He shook his head, his mind working so fast to catch up and understand what was happening. Jaden’s face flashed through his mind. He loved her. So much the thought of losing her made his chest shrink, making every breath a struggle.

  But, Kensie offered him something he’d wished for since the day she left—Micky, home, every day.

  “We could go back to the way things were,” she rushed to say.

  Go back to the way they were? That wasn’t right, either. The way they’d been was mise
rable. Her fighting every single day to remind him how he ruined her life, how she’d never be happy with a simple man like him. Always loud enough for Micky to hear. Loud enough for the neighborhood to hear.

  “…like it never happened,” she went on. “I’ll just come back home and—”

  “No.” The harsh timbre of his voice startled her into silence. “No. We can’t go back to the way things were, Kensie. Fighting, hating each other, you resenting me. Why do you want all that again? What’s really going on?”

  Her face hardened and she glared back at him, crossing her hands over her chest. “Nothing is going on, except for me thinking maybe we could work our marriage out and be a family for our son.”

  “I don’t buy it.” And as guilty as he felt saying it, he meant every word. She’d had plenty of time to come back, plenty of time to rethink things. “You don’t like this town, you hated every minute living here, now all of a sudden you want to come back. I want to know what’s changed, because if nothing’s changed, how will you stand living here. Again. Forever.”

  She blinked back at him. “I’ll deal with it.”

  “And your dreams? Nursing school, the career I deprived you of by getting you pregnant. What about all of that?” He dragged a chair out from under the kitchen table, tired of standing, tired of fighting, tired of this conversation, and dropped into it. “When you wake up one morning and decide you hate me and this place and everything you don’t have, what then? Just up and leave, file for divorce again?”

  “I won’t do that,” she snapped.

  But he knew better. Kensie was the same as she’d always been; she made decisions on the fly, without thinking them through, without worrying about consequences. She’d done that their entire marriage—blow a thousand bucks on things they couldn’t afford or didn’t need, leave him without talking it through. He could make a list and she still wouldn’t understand why he couldn’t believe repairing their marriage was what she really wanted.

  He sighed and dropped his head into his hands. “Yeah, you will, Kens. I’m tired of fighting with you. That’s all we ever did. Until you resolve your issues about what you want out of life, I don’t think anyone will make you happy.”

  “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

  “It means you need to decide what you want to be when you grow up instead of blaming me for everything you don’t have. You want to go to school? Fine. Go. I never told you to quit school. You did that on your own. I told you we could swing it financially. You didn’t want to work, so you stayed home. Great. I love that you were home with Micky, that you were both right here beside the shop. If that was what you wanted. But it wasn’t, because you blamed me for you wasting your life as a stay-at-home mom. I don’t know what you want, Kensie. You don’t know what you want. It wouldn’t be fair to me or to Micky for you to come back here, only to pack your bags and disappear while I’m not home. Do you not understand?”

  “You’re a piece of shit, you know that?” She seethed, and Cole braced himself for what he knew would come. “You’re not perfect! You just think you’re perfect. You ruined my life. I was just fine until you got me pregnant. I was happy. And now I have nothing. Nothing.”

  “I gave you whatever you wanted,” he said, though he wasn’t sure why he even tried. She wouldn’t hear a word he said. She never had.

  “Don’t you think I would love to be a part-time mom like you get to be a part-time dad? It would be so nice if I could just come home and do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, fuck whatever tramp I wanted.” She stormed to the kitchen doorway. “But no. I have to be a mom and raise our kid so you can fuck around and do what men do best—nothing.”

  He shook his head. “I don’t want to be a part-time dad. That was your choice for me. And honestly, it sounds like you need a break. Why don’t you let Micky stay here for a while? Until you figure things out.”

  She shook her head quickly, enraged. “No. No way are you having my son.”

  “He’s our son.”

  “You’re not getting him. I’ll never let you have him.”

  He sighed. “I don’t want you to have to do everything on your own. Don’t you see? I don’t think you should have to. Let me have him more. Let me have him for the rest of the month, the next two months, whatever you need. Then you can have some free time. You can have my weekends, every other weekend.” Cole had to hold his voice in check so he wouldn’t sound as desperate as he felt. He wanted this so much it hurt. Please say yes. He held his breath and waited for her to answer.

  With a thoughtful squint, she shook her head. “I don’t know. I’ll think about it.”

  Cole watched the empty doorway after she left. His heart pounded so hard in his chest it was a wonder he didn’t wake the neighborhood. He shoved back from the table and stood. “What the fuck was that?”

  He pulled a six pack from the fridge and left the house as quietly as he’d come in. He took the path to the shop out back. The only way he knew how to work through his thoughts, and calm his mind, was to work on something. He could control that, and he needed a little control in his life. Nothing was the way it should be. All he wanted was his son and Jaden, and a normal life.

  Then go get her. The idea surfaced and he couldn’t shake it. He let her go. Twice. This time, he wasn’t giving up on happiness. This time, he would get the girl.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Jaden stepped out of the terminal, rolling her carry-on behind her. She’d spent the last leg of her flight with a woman clutching her arm and repeating, “I don’t want to die. Please, God, let us land,” followed by the Lord’s Prayer. Her forearm was bruised, and her nerves were fried. She’d never been afraid of flying, but having someone beside her reciting plane crash statistics made the flight agonizingly long.

  She had two weeks off before the network sent her to Croatia. All she wanted was takeout, TV, and a soft bed.

  When she finally let herself into her apartment, it was to the same resounding silence that always greeted her.

  Jaden set her purse on the sofa table, then collapsed into an overstuffed lounge. Maybe she’d order Thai for two, and eat until she couldn't move. Then fall asleep right here. It sounded disgusting and heavenly at the same time.

  Life hadn’t waited for her while she was gone. Her voicemail was filled with unanswered messages. Most of them were from Ellie. Her mother’s neighbor told her that Jaden went to the trailer, and she’d been leaving messages for weeks now. The messages were mentally exhausting, the hope in Ellie’s voice like a knife in her heart.

  A part of her wanted to stay angry, but mostly she wanted to see a version of her mother she’d always yearned for. She wished it were simple, but years of pain and disappointment were hard to forget. It had left her bitter. Untrusting. Broken. Forgiveness wouldn’t be easy, and she worried she wasn’t capable of offering it to Ellie.

  She closed her eyes, and the silence pressed in on her. Loneliness had never plagued her before, but suddenly it was unbearable.

  “Ridiculous,” she mumbled, and stood. The idea of sitting alone in her apartment made her want to break things. Shaking her head, she grabbed her purse on her way past the table. She was good on her own. It’s how she liked her life. A free bird, that’s what she was.

  So why did she feel so damn empty?

  She yanked the door open and rushed out, straight into a fist raised to knock. A thumb poked her in the eye before she could blink and she stumbled back, covering her eye with her hand.

  He grabbed her before she backed into the entryway table. “Are you okay?”

  She jerked at the sound of Cole’s voice.

  “I’m fine. I’m okay.” She rubbed at her watering eye and peeked at him with her good one. “What are you doing here?”

  He blinked at the sharp edge to her voice, and it surprised her too. Until now, she hadn’t realized she was angry with him. The past couple of weeks she’d been numb and empty. She hadn’t realized it was possible to mourn
the loss of a relationship she never really had—twice. She stepped away from him, away from the confusion of seeing him there, in her apartment, in Seattle. This was her safe place. Or, it had been until now. Had he come all this way to tell her he was back with his wife and they were never meant to be? That he decided not to wait for her, after all?

  Well, she didn’t need his explanation. Screw closure. She wanted nothing to do with it. Jaden spun around and stalked across the open living space to the kitchen and tugged the freezer open. There was only one person who could have sent him to Seattle with her address. Grabbing a frozen bag of peas, she decided Mia would get a stern reprimand over the phone.

  Smashing the cold bag to her eye, she turned and nearly ran into him again. Why couldn’t a girl get some damn space these days?

  “Hey, I’m sorry about your eye.” He stood there, looking a little helpless and a lot lost, and the fight went out of her.

  Okay, not completely. But a little. She sighed. “It’s fine. I’m not dying.”

  “Good. I’m glad. I don’t want you to die.” His lips cocked into the smile she loved, and her wall went right back up.

  “Yeah, thanks,” she mumbled, and edged along the counter to put some space between them. Except he followed. “Cole.”

  He raised his brows and eased closer. “Yes?”

  “What the hell is wrong with you.” It was a statement, not a question. And if he came any closer, she would throw the peas at his head.

  “You.” And he stepped closer.

  She lowered the bag from her eye to glare at him. “I’m pretty sure I’m not your problem. I’m pretty sure I have nothing to do with you. Now, or ever.” When she took another sideways step away, he followed. “Knock it off.”

  “Knock what off?” He looked far too amused for her liking, and because he’d invaded her space, her life—her heart—she couldn’t feel her elbows. They were numb, as if she’d just stepped out on a narrow ledge a hundred feet in the air. That was a feeling she wasn’t interested in.