Doctor Who: Who-ology (Dr Who)
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The War Chief played by Edward Brayshaw
Leaving Gallifrey long after the Doctor, the War Chief allied himself with the War Lords. Now armed with the power of time travel the warmongers kidnapped soldiers from various points in Earth’s history, pitting them against each other. The victors would then be recruited as an army against the rest of the galaxy. He was killed by the War Lords when they uncovered his plot to overthrow them. Completely bonkers.
The Monk played by Peter Butterworth
Whereas Time Lords such as the Master or the War Chief lusted after power, the Monk simply wanted to meddle. The Doctor first encountered him attempting to prevent the Norman conquest of 1066. He then planned to provide King Harold with anachronistic technology so by the time Shakespeare wrote Hamlet, the tragedy appeared on television rather than the stage. He honestly believed Harold would make a better king so you could argue that his heart was in the right place, even if his motives were flawed. After foolishly teaming up with the Daleks, the Monk was stranded on a frozen planet by the Doctor. Not so much bonkers, just mischievous.
THE MASTER MAD-O-METER
To the Doctor, the Master is the quintessence of evil, to Rassilon, he’s Gallifrey’s most infamous child. To the Rani, however, he was an asinine cretin. But just how potty were his nefarious plans?
Terror of the Autons – Plans to take over the world using a Nestene energy unit, troll dolls, plastic chairs and a few fake daffodils.
Mad rating: 2
The Mind of Evil – Disguises himself as Professor Emil Keller, uses an alien mind parasite to control inmates of Stangmoor Prison so he can steal a Thunderbolt missile, blow up a peace conference and bring about World War III.
Mad rating: 3
The Claws of Axos – In return for his life, plans to serve Earth up on a plate to the energy-vampire Axos.
Mad rating: 1
Colony in Space – Posing as Earth Adjudicator, plans to steal the Uxariean Doomsday Weapon, which he can use in an almighty protection racket.
Mad rating: 2
The Daemons – Masquerading as Mr Magister, a local Anglican vicar, forms a cult and summons a giant horned alien in the crypt of a village church in order to receive vast cosmic powers.
Mad rating: 2
The Sea Devils – While pretending to languish at Her Majesty’s pleasure, steals Navy equipment to revive a Sea Devil colony which he will use to take over the world.
Mad rating: 1
The Time Monster – Assumes the role of Professor Thascales to build Transmission Of Matter Through Interstitial Time (or TOMTIT machine). Uses it to try and control the powerful, pan-dimensional entity known as Kronos.
Mad rating: 2
Frontier in Space – provokes a devastating interplanetary war between the Draconian and Earth empires so his allies, the Daleks, can easily invade. Hopes to rule Earth in their name, at least.
Mad rating: 1
The Deadly Assassin – Nothing more than a rotting corpse at the end of his regenerative cycle, works to place a puppet President in the highest office on Gallifrey so he can use the power of the Eye of Harmony to prolong his life.
Mad rating: 2
The Keeper of Traken – Still nothing more than a rotting corpse at the end of his regenerative cycle, works to place a puppet Keeper in the highest office on Traken so he can use the power of the Source to prolong his life.
Mad rating: 2
Logopolis – Starts randomly killing the mathematicians who are holding the universe together with their calculations, thus causing creation to start unravelling. Then tries to hold the entire cosmos to ransom. With a walkman.
Mad rating: 3
Castrovalva – Sends the TARDIS screaming back to the Big Bang where it will be utterly destroyed. Just in case it isn’t utterly destroyed, also kidnaps Adric and sets up Castrovalva, an artificial and fully recursive city to finally ensnare the Doctor forever. The ultimate Plan B.
Mad rating: 3
Time-Flight – Escapes Castrovalva, but gets stranded on prehistoric Earth, his TARDIS’s dynomorphic generator exhausted. Disguises himself as an alien called Kalid and tries to replace his TARDIS’s generators with a powerful alien known as the Xeraphin.
Mad rating: 2
The King’s Demons – Posing as a French swordsman, tries to stop the signing of the Magna Carta by means of a shape-shifting android and a dodgy accent.
Mad rating: 1
The Five Doctors – Forced into rescuing the Doctor(s) from the Death Zone, thinks on the hoof and tries to claim immortality from Rassilon.
Mad rating: 1
Planet of Fire – After accidentally shrinking himself to hamster size, seizes control of former slave Kamelion so that he can hijack the TARDIS and restore himself in the Numismaton gas of the planet Sarn.
Mad rating: 2
The Mark of the Rani – Teams ups with the Rani to accelerate the Industrial Revolution, but instead larks around disguised as Worzel Gummidge.
Mad rating: 3
The Trial of a Time Lord: The Ultimate Foe – Sits down and watches a courtroom drama for 12 episodes then steps in when he realises that the Valeyard, the distillation of everything evil in the Doctor, might win and wipe the floor with him.
Mad rating: 1
Survival – Trapped on an alien planet and slowly mutating into a Cheetah Person, uses dimension-hopping black cats to send Cheetah People to Earth to bring back humans who will turn into Cheetah people and transport him back to Earth.
Mad rating: 3
Doctor Who – Seemingly exterminated by the Daleks, tricks the Doctor into taking his mortal remains back to Gallifrey, morphs into an alien death-snake thing, takes over the corpse of an ambulance driver and opens the Eye of Harmony so he can steal the Doctor’s remaining regenerations, nearly destroying the Earth in the process.
Mad rating: 2
Utopia – Wipes his own memory and disguises himself as a human to escape the horrors of the Time War. As plans go, we can’t argue with it.
Mad rating: 0
The Sound of Drums – Worms his way into politics, becomes Prime Minister, fakes first contact with an alien race, kills the President of the United States, and, using the Doctor’s TARDIS to stabilise a massive paradox, becomes supreme ruler of Earth.
Mad rating: 3
The End of Time – Uses the Immortality Gate to turn every human into a perfect copy of himself and unexpectedly brings Gallifrey back from the Time War.
Mad rating: 2
THE THINGS OF RASSILON AND OTHER GALLIFREYAN STUFF
An awful lot of Gallifreyan artefacts seem to have been named after the founder of Time Lord society. Here’s the complete list so far, although for all we know there could be the cheese-grater of Rassilon hidden somewhere in the Panopticon.
The Black Scrolls of Rassilon – Forbidden knowledge from the Dark Time of Gallifrey. (The Five Doctors)
The Circlet of Rassilon – Used to access the Matrix, the repository of all Time Lord knowledge. (The Invasion of Time)
The Coronet of Rassilon – Enabled the wearer to control the minds of others. (The Five Doctors)
The Great Key of Rassilon – Activated the De-Mat gun, Gallifrey’s ultimate weapon. (The Invasion of Time)
The Gauntlet of Rassilon – A large metal glove worn by the resurrected Rassilon capable of disintegrating living matter. (The End of Time)
The Harp of Rassilon – The key to a secret Time Scoop chamber in the chambers of the High Council. (The Five Doctors)
The Key of Rassilon – Allowed Time Lords to physically enter the Matrix. Rassilon clearly liked a good key. (The Trial of a Time Lord: The Ultimate Foe)
The Record of Rassilon – Rassilon’s own chronicle of the war against the Vampires. A copy was kept on all Type 40 TARDISes. (State of Decay)
The Ring of Rassilon – Bestowed the wearer with the gift – or rather, the curse – of immortality. (The Five Doctors)
The Rod of Rassilon – An ebonite sta
ff held by the Time Lord President. Could also be used to activate the Eye of Harmony which was located beneath the Panopticon. Also, confusingly, known as the Great Key. (The Deadly Assassin, The Invasion of Time)
The Sash of Rassilon – The Presidential chain of office. Could also protect the wearer against the forces of the Eye of Harmony. (The Deadly Assassin)
The Seal of Rassilon – The seal of the High Council and universal crest of the Time Lords. (Various)
The Tomb of Rassilon – The final resting place of the first Time Lord president. (The Five Doctors)
Other Time Lord artefacts:
The Hand of Omega – Omega’s remote stellar manipulator that created the Black Hole that powered Rassilon’s time-travel experiments. (Remembrance of the Daleks)
The Genesis Ark – A dimensionally transcendental prison used to incarcerate millions of Daleks. (Doomsday)
Validium – Living metal created by Rassilon and Omega to defend Gallifrey. (Silver Nemesis)
The Untempered Schism – A controlled opening in the very fabric of time and space. Gallifreyan children wanting to enter the Time Lord Academy stared into the Schism as a test of their strength and sanity. Billions of year’s exposure to the vortex through the Schism gave the Time Lords the ability to regenerate. (The Sound of Drums, A Good Man Goes to War)
GALLIFREYAN BEDTIME CLASSICS THE DOCTOR ENJOYED AS A TIME TOT
Blind Fury
The Three Little Sontarans
The Emperor Dalek’s New Clothes
Snow White and the Seven Keys to Doomsday
THE TIME LORD PRESIDENTIAL CODE
4553916592
THE INAUGURATION PLEDGE OF THE TIME LORD PRESIDENT
Gold Usher: Do you swear to uphold the laws of Gallifrey?
President: I swear.
Gold Usher: Do you swear to follow in the wisdom of Rassilon?
President: I swear.
Gold Usher: Do you swear to protect the law and the wisdom?
President: I swear.
Gold Usher: I invest you Lord President of the Supreme Council. I wish you good fortune and strength. I give you the Matrix.
PLANETS ATTACKED BY THE DALEKS
Invading planets is in the Daleks’ DNA – literally. Here are the notable worlds that they’ve tried to get their plungers on, on TV and beyond…
SHOCKEYE’S KITCHEN
A feast of food from around the galaxy
STARTERS
The Broth of Oblivion (The Talons of Weng-Chiang) – a warming Chinese soup, may cause drowsiness
Chimeron Jelly (Delta and the Bannermen) – cleanses the palate and makes you grow nice and strong
MAIN COURSES
Kronkburgers* (The Long Game) – on a lightly-toasted bun
Gaffabeque (Bad Wolf) – nice and hot from the planet Lucifer
Gumblejack (The Two Doctors) – cleaned, skinned and pan-fried in its own juices
Protein One (The Impossible Planet) – available with or without a dash of Protein Three
* Optional Staff of Life sauce available, made from the finest Herbabaculum vitae weed plants
All dishes come with chips cooked in Krillitane oil, the ultimate in brain food (not suitable for vegetarians)
DESSERTS
Marsh Minnows (The Trial of a Time Lord: Mindwarp) – green and slimy, like mother used to make
Fresh Plaup Salad (The Greatest Show in the Galaxy) – a Vulpana delicacy, not for those with weak stomachs
DRINKS
Zaphic shake (The Long Game) – available in many flavours, including beef. Yum!
Herbabaculum vitae Protein Shake (Revelation of the Daleks) – sup the staff of life
Fizzade (Paradise Towers) – ice hot!
Vitex Lite (Rise of the Cybermen) – new cherry flavour – Trust us on this!
ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES
Hypervodka (The Doctor Dances) – make your last requests
Voxnic (Slipback) – available by the glass or per bottle
NOTE: Unfortunately, Alzarian Riverfruit has been taken off the menu, due to an unexpected spider infestation. The management apologises for any disappointment.
Krynoid Salad is also off due to staff shortage/mutation.
SIX
A KETTLE AND A PIECE OF STRING
TECHNOLOGY IN DOCTOR WHO
‘This doesn’t roll along on wheels, you know.’
The Doctor, An Unearthly Child
TARDISes, sonic screwdrivers, psychic papers, Whomobiles and spritely yellow roadsters – the Doctor has piloted, zapped, flashed and driven them all in 50 years of travel.
THE SIX TARDISES
The Doctor’s TARDIS may be as unique as he is, but there have actually been six different versions of the iconic police box exterior over the last 50 years. Each underwent tweaks and new paint jobs over time, but TARDIS spotters should look out for them in the following stories.
Design 1 – From An Unearthly Child to The Seeds of Doom
Designed by Peter Brachacki, the original wooden TARDIS had many nips and tucks and tweaks in its lifespan, most notably in The Smugglers, when it received a new lower roof stack. The original prop also featured a St John Ambulance logo on the door for a time. During Season 6, the police telephone plaque even switched from the left to the right door.
Design 2 – From The Masque of Mandragora to The Horns of Nimon
After the roof of the original prop collapsed – reportedly on Elisabeth Sladen’s head – designer Barry Newbery created a new TARDIS. It was eventually retired in 1980, its last regular use being in the unfinished story Shada, after which it made three guest appearances, in Logopolis, Castrovalva and Black Orchid.
Design 3 – From The Leisure Hive to Survival
The 1980s TARDIS was designed by Tom Yardley-Jones and constructed from fibreglass. A second prop was constructed during Season 23 and appeared in Time and the Rani, Paradise Towers, Dragonfire, The Happiness Patrol and The Curse of Fenric, also coming out of retirement for Dimensions in Time and The Curse of Fatal Death.
Design 4 – Doctor Who
Richard Hundolin designed the police box for the 1996 Doctor Who TV movie. This TARDIS featured a special lock that swung aside to let the ankh-shaped TARDIS key unlock the door.
Design 5 – From Rose to The End of Time
Constructed from timber and plywood, a number of TARDISes were built for the 2005 revival. Designed by Edward Thomas, the TARDIS panels were scorched and wire-brushed to distress them before painting.
Design 6 – From The Eleventh Hour
The arrival of the Eleventh Doctor heralded a new TARDIS prop. Again designed by Edward Thomas, the current prop is built along the same lines as the Ninth and Tenth Doctor’s but boasts a new darker paint job to resemble the police box from the 1960s Peter Cushing movies, plus white window frames and the return of the St John Ambulance badge which had vanished from the original prop 45 years before. A traditional Fresnel lamp also replaces the fifth design’s garden lantern on top.
TARDIS COMPONENTS AND EQUIPMENT
‘That does very, very complicated. That does sophisticated. That does whoa, amazing. And that does whizz, bang, far too technical to explain!’
The Doctor, The Curse of the Black Spot
According to the Sixth Doctor, the TARDIS is capable of many amazing things, much like himself. Unfortunately, it’s not the most reliable of machines. Here’s our checklist of essential TARDIS systems, equipment, their reliability and the story in which they are first used or mentioned. Of course, this is in no way an exhaustive list. How could it be in a craft with no limits?
KEY:
= Top notch
= Usually reliable
= Dodgy
0 = Absolute rubbish
Atom Accelerator – Helps steer a TARDIS. (The Curse of the Black Spot) Reliability Rating:
Audio Log – A voice-recorder to chronicle your journeys – handy if there’s no one else to talk to. (Planet of the Daleks) Reliability Rating:
Blue Stabilisers – Stabilise TARDIS interior dimensions while in flight. (The Time of Angels) Reliability Rating: 0
Central Console – The TARDIS’s six-sided control console, meant to be operated by six pilots. Each of the sides of the latest version, first seen in The Snowmen, has a different function: time co-ordination, communications, information centre, power control and helm, power setting and cerebral connection. Reliability Rating:
Chameleon Arch – Capable of rewriting DNA so you become a completely different species. Can also store your memories in a rather fetching fob watch – don’t open it if you want to keep your identity a secret! (Human Nature) Reliability Rating:
Chameleon Circuit – Allows TARDIS to blend in with any environment. (An Unearthly Child) Reliability Rating: 0
Cloister Bell – Warns of imminent – and catastrophic – danger. (Logopolis) Reliability Rating:
Comparator – An essential component of the TARDIS flight mechanism. (Planet of Fire) Reliability Rating:
Central / Time Column – Rises and falls as the TARDIS flies due to the power thrust of the heart of the machine that lies beneath it. If the column ever came out, the power would escape. (The Edge of Destruction) Reliability Rating:
Data Bank / Core – The TARDIS’s own version of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Contains 18,348 emergency procedures. (State of Decay) Reliability Rating: