Crushed

by Brigid McMahon

  "Sure." I start to lead him into the great room, but then I pause. The rec room would be a better choice. I might feel more comfortable in the same room I'd take any guy that came over.

  Michael follows me down the stairs and looks around. "Wow. You have an amazing house."

  We sit on the big comfy overstuffed couch in front of the TV.

  "Thanks. My step dad designed it. That's what he does for a living." I put my arm on the back of the couch and run my fingers through my hair. I read in Cosmo once that stuff like that drives men wild and lets them know you want more.

  "Missed you at school today." Michael is sitting closer to me than he did at his place. Close enough to touch me if he wanted to. "But I did read your paper. You got an A+." His lips curled into a tiny smirk. "What were you thinking, writing a paper like that for your teacher? Highly inappropriate, Taryn."

  My breath catches in my throat, because while his words are scolding, his tone and his eyes are not. "I was thinking...that maybe you would like it."

  "I did like it." He reaches out and pulls my arm down, holding my hand in his gingerly. He turns my hand over and runs his thumb over my palm, tracing little circles. "Otherwise, you wouldn't have gotten an A. And otherwise...I wouldn't be here right now."

  OH. MY. GOD. This is going to happen. This is really fucking going to happen and suddenly I'm not sure I can do it. This isn't just flirting anymore, this is real. This is a grown man, my teacher, telling me he wants to be my first.

  I must look as scared as I feel because he drops my hand and rubs his chin. He's got the tiniest bit of stubble there and I long to feel it against my neck. Michael looks away from me and purses his lips slightly before bringing his eyes back to mine.

  "Are you sure, Taryn? That this is what you want? You don't have to, you know. I mean, we can stop this right here, right now. You just say the word."

  Crap nuggets. I don't want to say the word. Yes, I'm scared shitless, but how can I say no to this gorgeous man? Even though every single brain cell I possess is screaming at me that this is not right, all my other cells are naked and drooling already.

  I boldly take his hand between my own two and look into his beautiful eyes.

  "Yes, it's what I want. It's what I've wanted since the first time I saw you. Please don't say we can't do it."

  Michael scoots over to me and puts his hand behind my neck, tilting my head back. I can't breathe as he lowers his lips to mine, grazing them softly at first, then coming back, harder, hungrier. I return the kiss, stretching my leg out so that it's across his lap. I can feel him against my thigh, hard and ready. He feels really big.

  Michael breaks the kiss and nuzzles my neck for a moment. I close my eyes, delighting in the feel of his stubby chin.

  He looks at me again, his face just inches from mine. "I've had my eye on you since the beginning too. The prettiest girl in class."

  I laugh softly. "You couldn't even remember my name at first!"

  Michael smiles and nods. "Hey, I'm not great with names. But I know your name now." His lips go to my ear, nibbling on my lobe before coming back to my face. "Sounds like Karen but with a T." He kisses me again and pushes me gently down on the couch, so that I'm lying on my back. He settles himself between my legs and I wrap my thighs around his narrow waist.

  We kiss for the longest time, him moving slowly against me until I'm inches away from coming. And we don't even have our clothes off yet!

  Michael sits up, staring down at me like he wants to eat me for dinner. In one fluid motion he pulls his shirt over his head and I stare at his perfect body, running my hands up his chest and then down again to his rock-hard abs.

  He grins down at me and undoes his jeans. Standing up he slides them down but leaves his tight boxers on. I can't stop staring at the very large bulge that's straining the material. He climbs back on top of me and starts to pull my sweatshirt up.

  That's when I remember my scar. I yank the bottom of my sweatshirt down and hold it against my thighs.

  "Can we just leave this on? Please? I'm...shy."

  Michael looks down at me for a long moment then gently moves my hands away.

  "Don't be ashamed of your body, Taryn. You're beautiful." He slides his hand up my stomach and smiles when he realizes I'm not wearing a bra. He cups my small breast and pinches the nipple gently.

  "Not all of me," I whisper.

  His hands trail over to my other breast and come to my scar. He can feel it and he pauses, running his fingers down the length.

  "Please..." My eyes tear up and he leans down to kiss me softly on the lips.

  "You're beautiful, Taryn. So, you have a scar, who doesn't?"

  I hesitate, then lay my hands to my sides in silent acquiescence. I close my eyes as Michael pulls the sweatshirt over my head revealing my deformity.

  For a moment there is silence, then Michael speaks. "Open your eyes, Taryn."

  I look back at him. He's not laughing, he's not looking disgusted. He smiles and bends his head over my chest, kissing the scar lightly then running his lips over to my breast, taking my nipple into his mouth and gently sucking.

  I cradle his head, running my fingers through his hair. I hope every time is like this.

  ◆◆◆

  It hurts. A lot.

  I knew it probably would but not this much. And it's not like I'm not ready for him because by God I am! Michael is obviously an expert at this and he gets me to the very edge of losing my mind before putting on the condom and slowly easing himself into me.

  I pull back and push against his chest with my hands, whimpering. "Ow!"

  Michael stops his face concerned. "It's okay, Taryn. It only hurts the first time. And condoms don't help. Just try to relax."

  I try but every time he tries to push further into me, I tighten up.

  This sucks. Kim and Pam both told me the first few times weren't great, but I thought with Michael it would be different.

  Loosen up, you dummy! I shout at myself. Despite the pain I raise my hips higher and pull Michael back to me with my thighs.

  He groans softly and closes his eyes. "God, Taryn, I can't keep pulling back, you're driving me crazy! You're so damn tight!"

  I close my eyes and brace myself. "Just do it." I tell him through clenched teeth. "Just do it, Michael."

  Now that I've given him full permission, he wastes no time in thrusting himself into me and I bury my face in the throw pillow to keep from crying out in pain. Michael seems beyond able to control his lust now, and he plunges into me over and over until what seems like ages later, he cries out a wordless exclamation and I feel him shudder against me.

  Thank Jesus it's over!

  I'm numb and sore and it burns. I peek down as Michael sits back and peels off the condom, tying it in a knot. I don't see any blood, which is good.

  "You got any tissues? Or maybe you want to shower?" He holds up the condom, full of his cum. "Probably want to wrap this in paper towel or something before you throw it away."

  What I want, is for him to leave. I'm a tangled knot of feelings as I sit up and slide my panties back on. I want him. But I don't want him. It's cool but kind of gross at the same time.

  Michael sits quietly beside me and rubs my bare back.

  "Are you okay? I'm sorry if I hurt you. It does get better, I promise."

  I finally risk a glance up at him. "It hurt."

  He nods. "Yeah. So I've been told. Next time will be better."

  I clutch my sweatshirt to my chest. "There'll be a next time?"

  He hugs me to his chest and kisses the top of my head. "Only if you want there to be."

  Do I?

  I nod against his lightly haired chest. I do want it. Without the pain of course.

  Michael stays with me that night. We sleep naked together on the rec room couch and in the morning when we wake, we try again.

  And it is better.

  Much, much, better.

  Chapter Eleven

  "You can't tell a
nyone."

  I roll my eyes at Michael. We're in the backseat of his car, parked in the woods on a deserted back road. Our clothes our still messed up and we're trying to catch our breath.

  "Yes, you've mentioned that," I tease. "Like 2,000 times!"

  It's dark so I can't really make out his face but I can feel his scowl. This is the third time since that first day that we've been together, always in his car, parked in some backwoods place where no one can see us. Every time he says the same thing, he's so paranoid.

  "It's not funny, Taryn!" He is testy. In fact, he seems testier every time we're together now. It makes me sad because I don't want him to feel that way when he's with me. When we're texting at night before I go to sleep, he's not like that at all. He's so sweet and caring and we talk about the future. Michael says once I graduate and go to college we won't have to hide anymore. We can go public with our relationship and no one can do a thing.

  I sit up and squirm back into my jeans. "I know." I lean up to kiss him and he gives me a distracted peck on the cheek. "I would never tell anyone, Michael. Why would you even think that?"

  He finishes dressing and leans back in the seat. "Because I know how silly teenage girls can be. How irresponsible. Like when they invite their teacher to have sex with them." He jumps from the back seat and stalks around the car to the front, sliding behind the wheel.

  I sit where I am for a long moment, stunned by his outburst. He's blaming me? And wait, why are we talking blame anyway? Didn't he want this too?

  Numbly I move to the front seat and sit silently as Michael starts the car to take me home.

  I won't cry, I won't cry, I won't cry. I silently repeat the mantra to keep the tears away. I care about him so much, why is he being so mean??

  Michael sighs and lowers his forehead to the steering wheel for a long moment. Finally, he sits back up and looks at me, contrite.

  "I'm sorry, Taryn. That was shitty of me. It's okay, don't cry."

  Well jeez, he has to go and say that and that's all it takes for the dam to burst. I start shaking with silent sobs and he laughs softly and pulls me over across the consul for a warm embrace.

  "Shhh, baby, it's okay. I'm just under a lot of pressure, you know? I could lose my job over this. And don't forget, if we get found out it will affect you too. We both have so much to lose."

  I pull back slightly, wiping my tears. "I love you, Michael! I won't breathe a word, I promise!"

  He holds my face between his two palms and kisses me. This time a good kiss, caressing my teeth with his tongue.

  "Love you too. Let's get you home."

  He throws the car into gear and holds my hand as we pull back onto the road. I'm so in love I could burst!

  ◆◆◆

  I'm so happy because of Michael it's hard to keep the smile off my face. Even at work with Manny giving me the cold shoulder I'm singing and humming my way through my shift.

  I stand in the back of the kitchen wearing my ill-fitting apron and plastic gloves while I roll burritos for a party we're catering. My feet won't keep still and I'm doing a silly little dance while I sing Beyoncé under my breath.

  Suddenly I can feel Manny behind me. His petulance has its own physical presence, I swear.

  "What the hell kind of burrito is that?"

  I glance up at him over my shoulder then look down at my current burrito. "What? What's wrong with it?"

  He makes an impatient sound and nudges me out of the way. "You're doing it all wrong, Bishop! Jesus, did you pay attention when I showed you?"

  "Yes, I paid attention!" I snap back. He's been a complete ass after kissing me. As usual the boy makes zero sense. "I'm doing it exactly the way you taught me."

  His brown eyes are cold as he stares down at me. "No, you're not. You're not wrapping them snug enough. If someone tries to eat this all the stuff will fall out. "

  I shrug. "Well they can just eat it with a fork then!"

  Manny grits his teeth. "Wrap. It. The. Way. I. Showed. You!"

  I grit my teeth right back. "O. Kay!"

  He regards me silently for a moment then grips my elbow. "Office, now!"

  I watch him stalk off to the office and slowly peel my gloves off. Fine. He can fire me. Why am I even here? I don't need this job. I have Michael and right now that's all I want.

  Manny is waiting for me in the office, holding his phone.

  "Have you seen this?"

  I look from him to his phone. "A cell phone? Yeah, I have!"

  He ignores my attempt at snarky humor. "Have you seen what Patrick and Jason are saying about you online?"

  My smile fades and I feel my gut lurch. "What do you mean? What are they saying?"

  Silently Manny hands me his phone and I scan the screen. A flashy graphic reading "Jay/Pat Sensations" blinks up at me. They have a blog as well as a YouTube channel now. I scroll down and there's a hideous photo of me. I don't even remember having it taken. It must have been at a party because there are other people around and I'm with some guy I don't recognize at first. Then it hits me, the party at Jasons, when I got plastered and the basketball player I was trying to make out with. We're kissing and he has his hand on my thigh.

  "Read it."

  I glance up at Manny and is face is unreadable.

  Taking a sharp breath, I see the headline, "Slut at Work." I put my hand to my mouth and read the post.

  "This is my ex, whoring around while we were still dating. Taryn Bishop slept with all my friends and plenty of enemies because she's a whore bitch slut who'll do anything you want her to do. Thank God I dumped her fat ass!"

  "Oh my God!" I blink the tears back and want to puke. Manny is just standing there, staring at me and I wait for his assault.

  "I thought you should know that's going around, everyone at school is talking about it and you, behind your back."

  I shove Manny's phone back at him. "You are so cruel..."

  "Me?" He sounds genuinely surprised. "I didn't make that web site. I just wanted you to know about it!"

  "Yes, because you get some kind of sick kick out of seeing me unhappy! You're no better than they are. I'm quitting!"

  I try to leave but Manny grabs me by the wrists, his face slightly panicked.

  "No! You can't quit, I... we need you here. For the business."

  "You and your stupid burritos!" I start crying and Manny pulls me against his chest. I squirm in his embrace weakly. "No!"

  He holds me tighter and I can't escape. "Yes. Just shut up, Bishop and let me hold you."

  I sniffle and stop struggling. We don't say anything for several minutes, he just keeps his arms firmly around me and I cry into his white tee shirt.

  Finally, I'm spent and he lets me go and hands me some tissues.

  "Alright now?" He cocks his head to look down at me.

  I nod, blowing my nose. "Thanks, Manny."

  "Don't mention it. Listen. I know all that shit on the blog is crap. Patrick is just trying to get revenge on you. But Hayes..."

  I look up at Manny, my eyes wary. Damn. I keep forgetting he saw Michael kissing me.

  "I told you-"

  "Yes," Manny nods. "You told me it was nothing. But I'm going to ask you anyway. You're not messing around with Hayes, are you? Or is he messing around with you? Because that's not right, Taryn. That's really, really not right. And if Pat and Jason were to get wind of that..."

  "Don't be ridiculous!" I dab at my eyes with the tissue. "I told you, it was nothing! Mr. Hayes has a girlfriend, dummy. He wouldn't want me, I'm just a teenager!" I force a laugh out and re-tie my apron.

  Manny has these probing eyes that seem to bore into you, seeing all the truths you want to hide. I can feel him looking into me and I force myself to return his gaze. Finally, he nods and puts his phone in his back pocket.

  "Yeah, alright."

  "I'm going to start seeing Ryan now." I add. "He's really into me."

  Manny raises one eyebrow. "Ryan?" Then he laughs. "Okay."

  "Why is
that so funny?" I demand.

  Manny shrugs, smirking. The asshole is back. He pulls open the office door. "Go make the burritos. And do it properly please."

  "Yes, Sir!" I mutter, pushing past him.

  I go back to my work table, then my mind drifts back to that horrible post. My heart races but I tell myself that it will be okay, it will pass and Patrick will get tired of trying to rile me up and he'll find a new target.

  My hands shake as I go back to work.

  Chapter Twelve

  Gym is torture now. Serious torture. I try to keep to myself but I'm well aware of the whispers and laughing. Girls that used to be my friends now smirk at me and try to trip me when I walk by.

  I tell myself I don't care, but I do. I will not give them the satisfaction of thinking I give a shit though. I know how this works because I used to do it myself. Kim would pick some hapless victim, some shy girl who was kind of poor or funny looking and we'd all attack.

  Now it's my turn.

  We play volley ball and normally I'm right up front with Kim and Pam, showing off, but today I stick to the back and hope the ball doesn't come my way. I get hit in the face "accidentally" twice.

  Finally, our teacher, Mrs. Hoyt, blows the whistle and we head for the locker room, and a new round of abuse for me.

  I hurry to the back of the room where I've chosen a locker the farthest away from Kim's. There is a low humming hiss of whispers and I hear Kim's taunting laugh echoing off the walls. She's got a new "best" friend, a red head girl named Kendall who just moved to the area. She's hanging on Kim's every word and I hear her nasally voice loud and clear.

  "I'll do it, I'll ask her!"

  I look up as Kendall walks up to me. I ignore her and stuff my tennis shoes into my gym bag and run a brush through my hair.

  "Hey, Taryn." She's actually not a very attractive girl, with a pig like face and watery pale eyes, so I'm guessing her family must have money otherwise Kim wouldn't have deemed her worthy. She leans against the locker next to mine, her arms crossed. "Is it true you have this really gross scar on your chest?"