Ultimate Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook
Page 14
If the cover is completely separated from the bumper, reattach ment is not advisable. Place bumper cover in the trunk or backseat and seek professional repair. If the cover is only partially separated from the car, proceed to step 3.
3 Check bumper cover bolts.
Bumper covers on passenger cars are attached in four to six places, generally with plastic screws or metal bolts through the bumper cover and into the plastic or metal bumper itself. Examine the screw or bolt holes to determine if they have been ripped or are still usable.
Relax. It will be fine.
4 Reattach the bumper cover with wire.
If the holes are still intact, tie bumper back on the bumper frame with wire, string, rope, or yarn. Feed the wire through the holes where the bumper cover has come loose. Make several passes through the holes for security. Tie with square knots.
5 Reattach bumper cover with duct tape.
If the mounting holes have been ripped or are inaccessible, apply duct tape completely around the bumper and cover. If necessary, tape the bumper cover to the hood of the car to prevent slippage.
WHAT PARENTS WANT TEENAGERS TO DO WHAT TEENAGERS DO
talk to parents text friends
read check social networks
household chores download videos
homework upload videos
watch movie with family play video game in room
answer phone calls send unintelligible text
say where they really are send vague text
turn off the phone at the table send and receive texts
get some sleep at night text friends/check social networks
COLLEGE
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Compare the number of books in the library with the number of seats in the stadium.
HOW TO AVOID GOING TO THE WRONG COLLEGE
1 Visit the college during the school year on a day with a regular class schedule.
Visiting during holidays, homecoming, or other times when students are away or not in their normal routine will not give you an accurate picture of everyday life at the school.
2 Observe the students.
Are the students walking energetically to class while talking animatedly, or are the few students in sight wandering aimlessly?
Are the students bright-eyed, with glowing complexions, or are they red-eyed, with a pasty pallor?
Are the students carrying armfuls of books and notebooks, or are they carrying surfboards and coolers?
Are the students eagerly seeking out professors after class and in the cafeteria, or are the students ducking into doorways and under tables to avoid professors?
Are students in class paying attention and taking notes, or are they wearing headphones, reading the newspaper, or dozing?
3 Evaluate the facilities and surroundings.
Compare the number of books in the library with the number of seats in the stadium.
Compare the number of flyers promoting free lectures with the number of flyers promoting spring break getaways.
Compare the number of nearby art galleries with the number of nearby hair salons.
Compare the number of nearby bookstores with the number of nearby bars.
Compare the number of students wearing T-shirts featuring the school logo with the number of students not wearing any shirt.
Compare the number of ads in the school newspaper offering “Students Available to Tutor” with the number of ads offering “Research Papers Written—Any Topic.”
Compare the number of times you hear chamber music with the number of times you hear sirens from emergency vehicles.
4 Select your school accordingly.
HOW TO IDENTIFY A PARTY SCHOOL
Assess the school’s location.
Party schools are often those farthest from urban centers: Such a location necessitates that all social activities occur on campus or in campus-adjacent locations, and therefore there are parties daily due to the lack of other entertainment opportunities. Cities with a warm climate and good beaches are also home to party schools, as many students opt for surfing, sunbathing, and pitchers of margaritas over class.
Count the number of bars, liquor stores, fraternities, and sororities on or near campus.
The more plentiful the watering holes and Greek organizations, the more likely the students are to party.
Look for schools with successful sports teams.
Schools with particularly winning sports programs are likely to offer many months of pre- and post-game victory parties. Avoid schools with losing records or sparsely attended games, and those with teams that usually lose the homecoming alumni game.
Interview the school’s administrators and alumni.
Talk to the school’s local boosters (ask the admissions office for names) about their memories of social activities at the school. If more than three of them recount stories of drinking at 6 a.m. or have no memory of college at all, the school is most likely a party school.
Interview the school’s administrators.
Visit the school on a Thursday.
A good party school will have multiple parties raging on this night. Walk the campus and listen carefully for whoops, yells, and loud music. Look for students staggering, talking loudly, or vomiting in the bushes, all of which are signs of raucous social activity. Enter a fraternity or sorority party. Gatherings without alcohol and centered around a knitting circle or a discussion of 19th-century English poetry indicate a college that does not measure up.
A warm climate often encourages a party atmosphere.
HOW TO DEAL WITH A NIGHTMARE ROOMMATE
Cover foul odors.
Burn incense or spray air freshener to mask your roommate’s scent. To better circulate the incense, place it in front of an open window or oscillating fan.
Secure your possessions in locked storage containers.
To discourage theft or misuse of your belongings, lock as much as possible in safes, military-issue foot lockers, trunks, and other lockable storage containers. Long, flat containers can be placed under your bed for further protection.
Divide the room in half.
Draw a line down the center of the room to designate your own private space. Remember that you’ll have to share the door.
Wear noise-reduction headphones.
Don the headphones anytime your roommate is in the room with you.
Leave a bar of soap on his pillow.
Put neglected dirty dishes in your roommate’s bed.
Gather long-unwashed clothes into a pile.
If the pile of dirty clothes isn’t remedied after a week, transfer the pile to trash bags and seal tightly to eliminate odors. If the bags remain after several weeks, put them in the trash.
Misalign the satellite dish.
Disrupt the constant blare of sporting events by redirecting your roommate’s satellite dish.
Buy your roommate concert tickets.
If your roommate never leaves the room, buy him a ticket to an all-day concert, a movie, or a sporting event. Do not ask your roommate if he wants to go; just purchase the ticket—the farther away the event, the better.
WARNING!
If you notice any of the following in your room, you may have a nightmare roommate:
• Giant speakers
• Lack of toiletries
• Machete
• More than 15 stuffed animals
HOW TO HOOK UP IN THE LIBRARY
1 Scout out a suitable make-out location.
Look for dim lighting and empty aisles in the stacks on a higher floor. Avoid areas near doors, entrances, main aisles, and passenger elevators. Library carrels, stairwells, and freight elevators in out-of-the-way locations are also good options. The oversized book collection features large tables and big, bulky volumes that allow for privacy. Determine less-traveled areas by reviewing the Dewey decimal system. Sections that begin with the call numbers below are most likely to be quiet:
090 Manuscripts and book rarities
<
br /> 110 Metaphysics
170 Ethics (moral philosophy)
210 Natural religion
480 Hellenic; Classic Greek
510 Mathematics
670 Manufacturing
707 Antiques and collectibles
930 General history of the ancient world
Sections with the following call numbers offer more risky locations but may provide some inspiration and atmosphere for the hook-up:
440 Romance languages, French
577 Pure science: General nature of life
618 Gynecology and other medical specialties
757 Painting: Human figures and their parts
770 Photography and photographs
811 Poetry
2 Time your rendezvous.
Select a time when your designated location will be deserted.
3 Meet at a predetermined location.
Pass a note to your hook-up target with a time and location. Indicate a specific Dewey decimal section for the rendezvous.
WARNING!
Be respectful of the books. Do not damage or misuse them.
HOW TO SLEEP IN CLASS
1 Wear a hat.
Sharply bend the brim of a baseball cap, and pull the visor low over your face to hide your eyes in the shadow. Do not wear a wool ski hat, beanie, or yarmulke, as none of these casts a shadow.
2 Sit in the rear of the class.
Choose a seat in the back of the classroom or at least far enough from your professor that he will not notice your heavy breathing.
3 Sit behind a tall person.
Position yourself behind a member of the basketball or volleyball team to interrupt your professor’s line of vision. Sitting behind an obese person can also block your professor’s sight line.
4 Sit on the opposite side of the class from known class participants.
5 Pad the desktop in front of you.
Fold a scarf, sweater, or sweatshirt on your desk. Bend one arm and place your elbow on the folded item.
6 Assume the napping position.
Place your thumb under your chin, supporting your jaw.
Rest your four fingers on the side of your face.
Balance your head on your hand, keeping it upright.
Place your notebook open and in front of you; hold a pen in your other hand, to look as if you are ready to take notes.
WARNING!
Avoid wearing dark sunglasses in class. While they may serve to shade your eyes, they also attract attention.
Do not let your head slump down to your chest.
Do not rest your head on your desk.
Do not lie down.
SUBURBS
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HOW TO FIND YOUR CONDO IN A CONDO DEVELOPMENT
Check the mailbox.
Open the box and look at the name on the bills and letters.
Ask people on the street.
Inquire at the management office. Ask neighbors for directions. Check with the mail carrier.
Study the driveways in your development.
Look for your car or other recognizable cars with identifying characteristics such as bumper stickers, roof racks, or flags. Locate your neighbor’s fire-red Mustang convertible.
Inspect the lawn.
Look for identifying lawn features such as garden gnomes, lawn jockeys, benches, or distinct flowers or shrubs.
Use your garage door opener.
Roam the streets activating your remote garage door opener until it opens a garage door, which will most likely be yours.
How to Distinguish Your Condo from the Rest
Paint your front door purple or orange.
Place a skull-and-bones or other distinctive lawn flag in front of your place.
Paint an arrow or hopscotch pattern on the sidewalk leading to your door.
Put a nameplate with your last name on it beside your front door.
Hang your child’s artwork in your front window.
Create a flower or vegetable garden in your front yard.
Get a dog that will bark at the door until you return.
Get a cat that will sit in the window.
Look for recognizable features such as flags, lawn ornaments, or bumper stickers on your car.
How to Tell Whether a Black Widow Spider Is Dangerous
Only female black widow spiders, which have an hourglass marking (two triangles facing each other) on their abdomen, are dangerous. Though the color may be yellowish, orange, or red, the presence of an hourglass always indicates a female. Males are much smaller than females, generally half the size, and have different markings: red spots and white bars or lines radiating out to the sides of the abdomen. The female’s bite contains the neurotoxin latrotoxin, which can cause severe muscle pain, cramping, headaches and dizziness, shock, coma, and (very rarely) death.
Garage Hazards
PERIL RESPONSE
Bats living in garage Leave a bright light on all night, several nights in a row.
Box avalanche Duck and cover your head with arms; curl into a ball on the floor; wait.
Carbon monoxide buildup Open garage door from the outside with remote opener; open side doors from outside; wait 10 minutes before entering garage. Turn off car engine.
Oil stains on garage floor Cover with kitty litter; stomp with sturdy shoes; sweep up.
OR:
Wet area; cover with baking soda; pour on hot water; let cool; scrub with stiff brush; rinse.
HOW TO PUT OUT A GRILL FIRE
1 If you can safely reach the knobs, turn off the burners on a gas or propane grill.
If a propane tank itself is involved in the fire, evacuate the vicinity and call emergency services immediately.
2 Smother the fire.
Never spray water onto a grease fire. It will intensify the flames and spread the burning grease to a wider area. Throw salt, baking soda, or sand onto the fire to smother the flames.
3 Close the lid.
Make sure all the grill vents are closed to further starve the fire of oxygen.
4 If the fire is still burning after 30 seconds, douse the grill with a fire extinguisher.
WARNING!
Flare-ups are usually caused by excess fat and grease dripping from meat through the grates. To prevent a fare-up from getting out of control, quickly move food to a warming rack with a pair of long-handled tongs. Return each piece to the center of the grill one by one, let the excess fat burn off, and remove it to the warming rack again. When every piece has been treated in this fashion, return all the food to the grill and continue cooking.
Douse the flames with any available water or nonflammable beverages.
How to Extinguish a Lawn Fire
1 Locate fire-suppression tools.
Instruct others nearby to quickly gather a bucket of water, shovel, and rake.
2 Smother the flames.
Apply water liberally, or if none is available, use a shovel to dig soil or sand and cover the fire. A long-handled shovel with a wide blade can be used to swat or tamp out errant flames. Stand well back from blazing grass as you attempt to put out the fire.
3 Clear the area of fuel.
As you dig or tamp, push flammable items, such as leaves or brush, away from the path of the fire.
4 If you are unable to extinguish the fire, use the rake or shovel to clear a path to safety.
5 Call emergency services.
AROUND THE HOUSE
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HOW TO MAKE HOUSEHOLD CHORES FUN
Raise the stakes.
Pretend you are a secret agent. Imagine that if you do not finish washing, drying, and folding laundry within one hour, a large city will be destroyed.
Make it a drinking game.
Award yourself a beer or shot for every dish washed, toilet cleaned, etc.
Do a play-by-play.
Offer an ongoing description of your actions as you perform them. “And he’s reaching for the cord of t
he lawn mower—he’s pulling it, and pulling it, and—he’s got it! The mower is on!”
Do the chores in the middle of the night.
Pretend you are a ninja or a burglar, and you must complete the chores in total silence or risk discovery.
Broken Lightbulb in Socket
Cut potato in half.
Shut off power to the light, then place half of the potato over the broken bulb and firmly press down.
Turn the potato to remove the broken bulb.
HOW TO REMOVE STAINS FROM CARPET
Red Wine
Blot wine with an absorbent cloth. Saturate the stain with club soda or cold water, blotting until no more wine transfers to the cloth. If the stain remains, apply a paste of borax or baking soda and water (at a ratio of three to one). Smear paste onto stain with an old toothbrush and let dry. Vacuum, then repeat until no more stain can be removed.
Bleach
Sponge the stain immediately with cold water to remove as much bleach as possible. Mix baking soda and water to make a paste (at a ratio of three to one), and rub onto the stain. Scrub into carpet with an old toothbrush, then let dry. Vacuum, then repeat until no more stain can be removed.