Home From Within

by Lisa Maggiore

  Jessica stared at his beautiful pleading face while anxious thoughts spread through her mind. Now that she’d told Paul she loved him, she felt a huge relief. But she had to know everything before saying yes to what he was asking.

  “Have you ever loved another girl?”

  “No,” he said in an instant. “Not even close.”

  “Why me?” Jessica felt as brave as Marilee and, in fact, was channeling her to get through these questions that needed to be answered.

  Paul leaned back so he could look at her from a distance. “Well, you’re gorgeous. I love the way your hair looks, so long”—he reached out and wrapped a piece around his finger that lay on her chest—“and wavy. I love the fact that you didn’t let any of those bozos in homeroom push you off your square, you know, you never let them compromise your job. And you didn’t give Gina the answers in Biology. You’re shy— I like that. But you’re smart. I like smart. And you’re loyal. You proved that when I asked you not to tell people certain things and you never did. I trust you … more than I trust a lot of people in my life.”

  Jessica quickly realized that Paul really did love her.

  “Why do you love me?” he asked in a low tone.

  Jessica grinned and her cheeks heated up; even with the honesty and openness, she still felt uncomfortable with it all. “Well, I also think you’re gorgeous. Your eyes grab me.” Paul sat back and put his hands behind his head and his feet up on the crate, which served as a table, looking smug.

  “Ohmigod,” Jessica said nervously.

  “Please go on,” Paul said, grinning.

  “Well, I know you’re also smart, which I also like. You’re loyal, like over the summer when you had a chance to be with Alicia and didn’t.” Jessica waited a few seconds, formulating her words so they came out the way she meant. “And you make me feel loved, like I’m the only one for you. You give me more love than anyone else in my life.”

  Paul sat up slowly, bringing back the intense look he left earlier. Jessica felt like crying again but did not want to look weak. Her tears were more of joy and relief that she really could be open and honest about her feelings, but acknowledging that Paul gave her more love than anyone else, besides Aunt Lodi, made Jessica feel lonely.

  “Why do you look so sad?”

  Jessica smiled to cover the pain. “I’m not. In fact, I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time.”

  Paul grabbed her hand and held it tight. “Jessica Turner, know this; I will never do anything to hurt you, ever. When you’re ready to be with me all the way, I will be very ready to oblige.”

  Jessica smiled weakly at his statement. It reminded her of freshman year when he told her that when she was ready to sneak, he would be ready too. And she was reminded of the fact that she did go to him. But she needed to know one more thing before going home and ending the conversation that made her feel excited and worn out at the same time.

  “One more question.”

  “Yep.”

  “Have you ever, you know, gone all the way with anyone?”

  Paul shifted on the couch but kept holding her hand and didn’t break eye contact. “Yes.”

  “But you said you never loved anyone else.”

  “Jessica, I’m a guy.”

  Jessica yanked her hand from his grip. Paul looked at her like she just didn’t get it.

  “Are you serious? You’re pissed because I’ve had sex before?”

  “No, I’m mad because you don’t have to love someone to take their hormones on a ride.”

  “What? What does that mean?”

  “So you love me, great, but you still would’ve had sex with me anyway. You would’ve gone all the way with me without even loving me.”

  “Jessica, you’re talking crazy. Yeah, I had sex with girls I didn’t love. But know this. You are the only girl I have ever loved, the only girl I want to be with completely.”

  It was hard for Jessica to have a comeback to that because it sounded very real.

  “Go ask my friends, or Danny. They’ll tell you the same thing. In fact, they say shit to me about it all the time.”

  “Like what?” Jessica felt intrigued.

  “Excuse my French, but they call me pussy whipped.”

  “Disgusting,” Jessica said.

  “They’ve never seen me this hung up on someone, to the point I don’t party like I used to.”

  Jessica liked what she was hearing. “Did you stop all the partying because of me?”

  Paul smirked. “Did you listen to the song I played for you?”

  Jessica met his eyes with love again. “Yes, I heard what you were telling me.”

  “I’m not perfect … I still party, but not like before. Smoking weed makes me laugh and gives me the munchies, but it doesn’t fill me up the way your smile does when you’re looking at me. Or when you hold my hand when we walk to my house. Or when you get on top of me and kiss me so hard that you make me think you’re gonna rip off my clothes … and then don’t … but even then, I’m so glad you’re mine.”

  Jessica reached over and touched the hand she brashly pushed away earlier. “I think I understand. And when I’m ready to be with you, all the way, I will let you know.”

  Jessica had ten minutes before she had to leave the confines of love to return to her loveless home life. Paul invited her to indulge in the meal he prepared for her last night and was heating in the microwave: scrambled eggs with cheese and sausage. He put the bouquet of flowers in a vase, knowing she could not bring it home, but told her she could look at it and remember this moment every time she came here.

  “I wish I could do something for you,” she said, diving into the eggs with her fork. “I feel like you’re always doing things for me.”

  “Well, I wouldn’t say that,” Paul said with a look of pleasure.

  Jessica caught wind of his thoughts and rolled her eyes while she blushed. “I mean something else. You put a lot of time and thought to this, and other things, like the necklace. I want to give you something too.”

  “Surprise me,” Paul said.

  Jessica looked up at him from her almost empty plate. “Okay,” she said, thinking hard about the only thing she really thought he would want: her.

  Chapter 16

  Aunt Lodi arrived on one of the hottest days recorded in spring. It was eighty-five degrees, and Jessica’s mother was not prepared for how stuffy and hot the house would feel.

  “Jim, I think we may need to turn on the air conditioning. You know how Lodi can sweat.”

  Jessica watched her father ignore her mother’s request and continue to clean his guns. Jessica and Jason were in the office with their father spending “quality time” together. He had returned from a business trip and was more animated than usual.

  “Look at this.” He held up a Mini UZI submachine gun. “This is a magnificent piece of machinery.” Jessica and Jason gave the mechanical answer their father wanted to hear, “awesome.”

  The rumble of Aunt Lodi’s car could be heard as she pulled into the driveway.

  “She’s here,” Jessica said as she and Jason jumped up to run outside.

  “Hey, my lovelies, I have presents,” Aunt Lodi sang as she was closing her driver’s side door. Jessica ran up beside her and was pulled into a big hug. Aunt Lodi put Jessica at arm’s length and took a good long look at her. “Jessica, you look stunning. Like a young woman.”

  Jessica flushed, not used to hearing compliments about herself, especially in front of her father, who did not appear fazed by the comment.

  During Aunt Lodi’s visit, Jessica was surprised at how much time she wanted to spend with Paul. Even though Aunt Lodi was at her house, waiting to take her on a shopping spree again, she couldn’t get enough of him.

  From the day they confessed their love for each other, Jessica felt a shift in their relationship. So much of their love before was patient and gentle, him teaching her things she knew nothing about. But now she felt on fire, too. Passion was the only w
ord that came to mind.

  Their kissing and grabbing at each other’s bodies became more intense, to the point that Paul started pulling away and asking if she was all right. Was this her way of telling him she was ready to go all the way?

  Jessica was building herself up to that point. She appreciated that Paul always left the decision up to her; when she was ready, he would be too. Paul never made it seem like he would break up with her if she didn’t do what he asked. Jessica overheard horror stories in school about boys who would say. “I love you” to their girlfriends so they would have sex, only to dump them soon after. Sometimes the girls were even called sluts. While Jessica could see most of Paul’s friends, and even his brother Danny doing this, she could not envision that from Paul. He was not made that way, which is one of the traits that drew her to him in the first place.

  Jessica and Paul’s bodies were tangled together in the basement as they lay on the couch that was covered by a Bozo the Clown sheet. Danny was at Alicia’s house, probably having sex, Jessica thought, and everyone else was at Grandpa Joe’s or running errands.

  Paul was stroking her face, tracing her lips with his finger. “I love your lips,” he said as he kissed them ever so slightly.

  Jessica smiled as she placed her fingers on his face, stroking around his eyes. “And I love these.” She pulled Paul’s face closer to her lips and kissed each eye gently.

  Paul started nibbling on her neck. “God, I love making out with you,” he mumbled.

  Jessica suddenly drew back. Paul had never mentioned God’s name in all the time she had known him. In fact, they never discussed religion whatsoever; she was afraid he would be turned off by that conversation. But it was different now. She could ask him anything.

  “Do you believe in God?” Jessica asked as his lips continued to make their way up to her ear.

  “Um,” he said, pulling himself away to look at her. “I do, but I don’t go to church or anything.”

  “Well, you don’t have to go to church to believe in God.”

  “I used to go, when I was younger. Aunt Darlene took all of us to her Catholic church, except for Ma. She stopped believing after Marcus’s dad left. Asshole left all of us. We thought he was gonna be the one, the one who was gonna stay.”

  “Why did he leave?”

  “I’m not sure. But there was a lot of fighting and drinking. Ma was never very good at holding her tongue, as you know.”

  “How old were you?”

  “I think about nine.” Paul looked far off as if trying to remember. “He was supposed to be one of the coaches on my little league team. But he left me high and dry.” Paul looked back at Jessica. “Got kicked off that team for fighting.” Paul half smiled. “Brian’s dad tried, but we didn’t give him much of a chance—we had already been through three others. Plus he got put in jail. He told Ma he plans on coming back to help her. I think he gets out in ’87 or ’88.”

  Jessica saw in Paul a little boy, a boy who also craved love from a dad, but like her, was left standing at the checkout line without a cashier.

  “But I’ll tell you one thing,” he said, breaking Jessica’s train of thought. “I will never leave my kids. I don’t care if I gotta beg on the corner to support them. I will never abandon them. I will not make the mistake my asshole dad and all the other assholes made after him.”

  Jessica placed her hands softly around the sides of his face. “Thank you for telling me that story. And, for the record, you’ll make a great dad someday.”

  Paul gave her a halfhearted laugh. “Am I freaking you out, with all this shit?”

  “God, no. If anything, it makes me want to be with you even more. I don’t know, it’s weird, but your honesty makes me want you. I mean, the kind of want that has no clothes to confine it.”

  Paul looked at her stunned. “Is that your fancy way of saying you want to have sex with me?”

  A spark traveled from Jessica’s head to her toes. “I’m getting there.”

  Paul smiled and hugged her. “Just tell me when,” he whispered in her hair, “and I will be ready.”

  A smile spread over Jessica’s face as she looked out the car window at the setting sun against the businesses that ran along the street to the mall. The conversation with Paul was running fresh in her heart and mind. How much she wanted him made her insides burn, something she never experienced in her life.

  “Whatcha thinking about?” Aunt Lodi asked, biting into her thoughts.

  Jessica hesitated. “I was thinking about all the great stuff we’re going to buy tonight. And how grateful I am to have you.”

  “Thank you, honey. That’s sweet to hear.” Aunt Lodi paused and her tone changed. “But really, Jessica, what were you thinking?”

  Jessica turned and looked at her. Aunt Lodi had a small smile as she took a quick glance her way. “I can feel something different in you. Your energy has changed … for the better, I think.”

  Jessica tried to suppress the shock her face was clearly projecting. But then she quickly questioned herself; why did she have to hide this from Aunt Lodi?

  Colt .45s, that’s why.

  “Well,” Jessica said, carefully picking her words, “there’s a boy at school who likes me.”

  “Wonderful! Tell me more.”

  “He doesn’t know I know, at least not yet. Dad would never approve.”

  They sat in silence for a minute.

  “You’re right about your dad. But dating is what you do in high school. Seeing what’s out there, who’s compatible for you. Maybe I should talk to him.”

  “No!” Jessica said. This was exactly what she was afraid of—too much exposure. It would be harder to stay under the radar if her father had an inkling that someone liked her. “Please don’t ever mention this conversation to him. I already know the rules: no dating until I’m twenty-one.”

  “For Christ’s sake, you’re sixteen now. This is supposed to be the time.”

  Jessica looked at her with pleading eyes. “Dad doesn’t see it that way. But I’m fine with it. I don’t really like him that much anyway. It was just nice knowing someone likes me.”

  After a few moments, Aunt Lodi spoke. “I won’t do anything you don’t want me to. I would feel terrible looking at your frightened face all the time.”

  “Thank you,” Jessica said, trying to breathe in a regular fashion again.

  “Just tell me one thing,” Aunt Lodi said. “If you could date this boy now, if your dad was fine with it, would you?”

  Jessica thought hard about this question, once again measuring her words. “Maybe, yes.”

  Jessica watched the corner of Aunt Lodi’s mouth turn up. “I’m glad to hear you haven’t lost the spirit of finding love.” They sat in an uncomfortable silence before Aunt Lodi spoke again. “I feel deep within that you will have a great love someday. Maybe even two.”

  Aunt Lodi’s visit was too short once again, but Jessica reveled in the fact that this time, compared to all the other times Aunt Lodi left, she did not have the heavy sinking feeling that consumed her entire being. Paul was the reason, the only reason.

  As the days passed, Jessica embraced her alter ego who was cheering her to move forward with Paul. But certain thoughts continued to immobilize her. Number one, she knew nothing about sex. At Mary Carter’s school, unlike public or private institutions, sex education was not part of the curriculum. And at Heritage when sex education was being taught in health, Jessica had come down with the flu and missed the entire section. She thought about doing some research in the school library, but was afraid someone she knew would walk up for casual conversation, only to discover her deviant ways. She also thought of having Marilee call Julie at college for information and advice, but Jessica could not bring herself to expose her deep, dark secret to Marilee. Ohmigod, Jessica thought, I’m keeping a secret. All her life, keeping secrets was pounded into her head as being a big no-no. Was this secret in the same category? she wondered. As quickly as the erratic thoughts twisted h
er thinking, a warm calm washed them away; how could being in love ever be lumped in with something not safe?

  Jessica made her decision. The night she was to attend the school play would be the night she would give all of herself to Paul, a surprise, she thought. Didn’t he say he wanted to be surprised? Jessica finally asked Danny if any night of the week they would all be out of the house. Danny didn’t seem to care why and told her Friday. In her estimation, she would get dropped off at the play ten minutes before it started. She would have plenty of time to walk to Paul’s house, and then (her cheeks started to burn) have sex, which could last for maybe an hour? With at least forty-five minutes to spare, she could make it back to school and walk out with everyone from the auditorium. Paul would be completely surprised. Jessica could barely hold in her titillation as she grabbed her pillows and squeezed them tight in her bed.

  Paul almost threw off her plan. He got excited hearing that she was going to the play on Friday and looked at her with a devious grin. “Are we sneaking into the old library?”

  “Is that what you want to do?”

  “Hell yeah, living life on the edge again. It’s starting to get boring at my house.”

  Images of the old library conjured up feelings of arousal but also panic and fear, remembering when they were almost discovered.

  Jessica calmed herself as she said, “sure,” knowing instead that she would meet him in the hallway of the auditorium, take his hand into hers, and lead him back home, where he would get the surprise of his life.

  Chapter 17

  Jessica’s father said he would drive her to and from the play, same as last year. Jessica kept her poker face, not wanting to show any small deviation in her demeanor. Her father was a Special Forces man. Surely he may be able to sniff some of this out. But as Jessica studied him, he appeared to be completely free of suspicion. While this was something she prayed for and wanted, there was a small piece of her that felt shameful; he trusted her so much he never thought she might be sneaking around with a boy, much less having sex. Jessica closed her eyes to get the word sex out of her head in front of her father, at least she felt she owed him that.