Home From Within

by Lisa Maggiore

  Drop-off went without a hitch. Once her father finished watching her walk safely inside, Jessica could not help but peek out of the building to make sure he drove away. A soft fluttering from inside her belly made her feel weak, like she wanted to fall down and cry, but she willed herself back, away from the doorway, away from the secret faults that were racing inside her head. This was right. This was normal. This is what teenagers in love are supposed to do. She played that song so loudly in her head that she did not even hear Paul call her name. Only a loving touch on her arm pulled her out of the trance.

  “Man, you look like you’re on another planet.”

  Jessica’s eyes widened and then softened. “Paul, I have a surprise for you.”

  His face lit up. “Did you get that Iron Maiden tape I wanted?”

  Jessica stared into him. “No, something better.”

  “Judas Priest?”

  Jessica took his hand and led him towards the door, looking around the perimeter, making doubly sure there were no traces of her father.

  Paul squeezed her hand tight and pulled it back a little. “What’s going on?”

  Jessica turned toward him as they walked along the side of the building. “It’s your surprise.”

  Paul looked dumbfounded. Jessica turned away and continued to lead him toward his house, not saying a word. She tried not to make eye contact, afraid she would give away the gift. While holding his hand, her eyes were darting around, making sure if she spotted her father they would have a chance to run and hide.

  The wind blew softly as they walked on the sidewalk and increased its pressure when they crossed the overpass. Jessica loved the look of the sky, dark blue with gray-and-white clouds that hung above like a canopy. It looked inviting and ominous at the same time.

  As they landed in front of Paul’s home, she turned around and looked at his face. It displayed a mix of shock and excitement, something that made her heart sing.

  “This is my gift to you,” she said carefully. “Me. All of me.”

  Jessica tried to read Paul but he looked completely stunned. He was still for a few seconds and then snapped out of it.

  “You’re ready? Now?”

  Jessica tried to meet his eyes but hers took shelter. “Yes.”

  “Holy shit,” Paul whispered. “I really thought this wasn’t gonna happen for a while.”

  Jessica started getting nervous. She was feeling like he did not share the same passion for her as she held for him, and could tell Paul saw that on her face. He grabbed both her hands. “I want this, real bad, but I was not … prepared.”

  Jessica had no idea what he was talking about. Prepared? What? Music? Candles?

  She leaned in and kissed his lips, slightly placing her tongue on them. He could not resist. He grabbed her up, and she lifted her legs so they were wrapped around his torso. He held onto her as they continued to kiss and made their way to the crumbling porch, tripping up the cracked stair.

  “Whoa,” Jessica said, as she put her arms out to brace the fall.

  “Sorry,” he muttered as he clattered around, trying to get his footing and keep hold of her. He pulled his keys out and tried to open the screen door with her in his grasp but it was not working. She finally had to slide off him so that he could successfully get them inside.

  Funny, she thought, because in real life this moment was harder to pull off; Purple Rain made it look so easy.

  They stood inside the living room, front door closed and locked. Both had uneasy grins but loud heartbeats.

  “Paul, I … I … I’m really nervous.”

  He reached out and grabbed her by the waist. “It’s okay.” Jessica saw a cocky look come to his face. “You’re with a professional.”

  Jessica laughed and pushed him away and then ran to the basement. She had a burst of adrenaline that could not be explained. All she knew was that she wanted to run, run away maybe, but she became more alive feeling Paul chase behind her. Jessica stopped short of the couch that would be the place they would probably have sex. Feeling Paul’s breath on her neck made the adrenaline surge even more. Paul, without words, grabbed her from behind and pulled her into him. His kisses on the back of her neck were making her pulse quicken to the point she started to breathe so heavy she felt like she was panting. She pulled away to catch her breath.

  “You sure you’re ready?” he asked, misreading her cues.

  “Yes,” she said slowly. “You’re making me hyperventilate.”

  Paul gave her a gentle look and told her he needed to get some blankets and would be right back.

  Jessica didn’t know what to do with herself, so she sat on the edge of the couch but jumped up because she could not sit still. She felt jittery and to her surprise, aggressive. Her fingers were laced together in front of her as she paced back and forth, trying to control her racing hormones.

  Paul returned with blankets and sheets in hand and looked at her carefully.

  “I’m gonna lay these on the floor like a bed, okay, ’cause we can’t mess up Ma’s couch. But please know that I don’t care where we lie. I just want to be with you.”

  Jessica smiled at his reassurance.

  “Um, I’m going to need some direction,” she blurted.

  Paul was making the bed on the floor and reached up, pulling her next to him.

  “If you want me to stop I will.”

  “Is … is this going to hurt?”

  Paul hesitated a moment. “Well, it’s not gonna hurt me, but I really don’t know about you. You’re gonna bleed,” he stated matter-of-factly.

  Jessica’s mouth fell open. “But Ma has those things you girls wear when you’re on your monthly. They’re in the bathroom. I’ll get them for you, okay?”

  Jessica felt a sudden rush of cold feet. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

  “Jess, you’ll be fine. I promise.”

  Paul bent toward her and kissed her cheek, then the other one, then her nose, then her forehead. He continued to kiss all the parts above the breasts until Jessica finally relaxed. She felt herself slipping into his hands, and eventually out of her clothing. Modesty overtook her, but having blankets on top of her body made her feel more at ease, along with very dim lighting. Jessica was thankful that Paul knew exactly how to make her feel more comfortable. He did not rush anything and took each event slowly. As new moments of exploring their bodies passed, Jessica was in awe at how beautiful Paul’s body looked. His stomach was rippled but not in a gross bulky way; it was slim and trim. The warmth of his skin felt silky as it rubbed on hers—he did not have as much body hair as she thought. She loved how his hands caressed every part of her, touching places he had never been before, looking to read her face so he could react quickly if he had gone too far. Jessica smiled, knowing that Paul did not understand that there would be no stopping him this time. She came prepared to give all of herself to the boy she loved. There would be no turning back.

  Chapter 18

  On the makeshift bed, Jessica took mental inventory of her body as Paul lay on his side looking at her. The basement was silent with only a ticking clock to keep her thoughts in line and a faint light in the corner brought a hazy appearance. The trapped warmth in the room made her feel like a baby in the womb.

  “Are you all right?” Paul asked in a whisper.

  Jessica took in a breath and answered slowly. “I think so.”

  “Are you … are you in pain?”

  Jessica turned her head to face his. “It hurt a little.”

  Paul’s face turned to worry before Jessica’s eyes.

  “Paul, it’s okay.” She smiled. “It was worth it.”

  Paul relaxed and intertwined their fingers. “Did you like it? I mean, would you do it again?”

  Jessica turned her body to face him. “Yes,” she said, feeling a little self-conscious. They leaned their faces into each other’s and kissed, very softly.

  After getting dressed (Jessica under the sheets because of a moment of awkward shyness) a
nd cleaning up the evidence, Paul put on music and made scrambled eggs in the kitchen. Sitting on the hardwood chair made Jessica ache but she did not want Paul to see her grimace. Glancing at the clock she was surprised that sex did not take anywhere near an hour. The entire act itself only took minutes, which did not bother her in the least. What Jessica really enjoyed was the before and after—the caressing, the touching, the loving looks, and Paul making sure she felt safe. She liked that part a lot.

  “What are you smiling about?” Paul asked from the stove.

  Jessica did not realize her thoughts were showing on her face. A flush of pink colored her cheeks, and then Paul smiled.

  “Oh,” he said with a grin. “I really am a professional, huh?”

  Jessica hid her face in her hands as Paul walked over with a plate for them to share. She peeked in between her fingers.

  “You’re beautiful, so, so beautiful.”

  Jessica noticed Paul sounded a lot like the music playing; a scratchy voice from the stereo speakers was singing about how someone was so beautiful to him. Her entire being filled to the brim with emotion. Paul had become an essential part to her feeling good about herself, which scared her, knowing he had that much influence in her life now.

  After they ate, Jessica burrowed herself into Paul on the couch in the living room, listening to songs, until it was time for her to leave. Purple Rain came to Jessica’s mind and she wondered if Paul had the album.

  “Prince?” he said, offended. “I don’t think he’d make it next to Anthrax.”

  “Oh, I think he can hold his own,” Jessica said.

  “You really like his music?”

  “Yes,” she said with conviction. “I really love that song ‘The Beautiful Ones.’ It makes my insides throb.” Jessica started to feel silly but after everything they just shared she believed her deep thoughts would be safe from reprisal. “I sometimes daydream that you’re singing that to me because you want me to choose you over him.”

  “Who’s him?” Paul asked.

  “Not a real life him, an imaginary him.”

  “Oh,” Paul said. “This is a girl thing?”

  “I guess. You don’t think like that, huh?”

  “No,” he laughed. “But hey, dream whatever you want. Just make sure you choose me.”

  As their time together was coming to a close, Jessica pulled his arms around her tighter.

  “I don’t want to leave you.”

  Paul accommodated, hugging harder, kissing her hair. “Man, I know.” He hesitated for a minute. “Are you sure your parents can’t know about me?”

  Jessica looked at him head-on. “Remember I told you, I can’t date until I’m twenty-one.”

  “Yeah, I forgot.” After a few moments, Paul said, “What kind of control freaks do you live with?”

  Jessica felt her heart tumble like a weed in the desert. “They’re overprotective.”

  “Yeah, like in a crazy way.”

  Jessica did not like the way Paul was talking about her parents, even though she agreed with him. “They think they’re right.”

  After a long pause, Paul said, “You know, this sneaking around is keeping things exciting. I think I can handle that for the next, what, five years?”

  Jessica felt shocked. Paul was talking long term, rather than just living in the moment.

  “Oh, so you think I’m going to be hanging around you in five years, huh?”

  “Yes,” he said without hesitation.

  Jessica closed the gap between their faces and showed him how much she was all right with being together for now, for the next five years, maybe even forever.

  Jessica spent fifteen minutes in Paul’s bathroom, afraid her father may sense something different in her look and smell when he picked her up. Paul reassured her that nothing on the outside of her had changed, but she continued to stare into the mirror, rearranging her hair and rubbing down her exposed skin with vinegar and water. As they walked back to Heritage, a brisk wind sent shivers down her body and her stomach balled up.

  Jessica’s grip was tight on Paul’s hand. “Jess, it’s okay. Your dad won’t suspect a thing.”

  Jessica gave him a slight smile but could not keep the fear at bay.

  While waiting for the play to let out, Jessica grabbed a program so her fingers would have something to fiddle with and her nervousness could take a break. Paul walked out first, turning around under the streetlight, smiling at her despite her father’s presence. Jessica hid her happiness and, just like the year before, her father didn’t even notice.

  Warmer days were easing into each other now that summer was peeking around the corner, but Jessica didn’t feel like herself. She opened the window in her bedroom. Usually breathing in outside air would refresh her, make her feel energized, but all she felt this morning was the desire to crawl back into her cocoon of warm blankets.

  “Jessica, you don’t look well,” her mother stated at the breakfast table.

  “I think I have a cold.”

  Her mother got the thermometer to take her temperature. “A little elevated but nothing to be concerned over.”

  Jessica’s father walked in from the outside with Jason in tow, looking hot and sweaty.

  “What should we not be concerned over?” he asked in perfect step with his breathing.

  “Jessica looks sick, don’t you think?”

  Her father took a deep look at Jessica, and she felt this was the first time in a long time he paid any attention to her.

  “She looks a little peaked. A morning workout regimen would be the best thing for her.”

  Jessica almost threw up at that thought. God, now she felt so nauseous.

  “I think I have to …” Jessica jumped up and ran to the bathroom. There, she dry heaved because she hadn’t had a chance to eat her breakfast. She could hear her mother saying it was the flu she got around this time every year. No school, bed rest, and the garbage can next to the bed.

  Jessica felt nauseous all day but did not throw up again. She was able to hold down saltines, 7UP, and clear broth. Despite the fact that she was resting comfortably, she was consumed by the idea that Paul would be wondering where she was and might try to find out where she lived.

  In the evening, Jessica asked permission to call Marilee to get the assignments for the day, but she really wanted to know if Marilee talked to Paul. Jessica tried her best to get as far away from her parents as possible, timing the phone call with her mother cleaning up dinner and her father cleaning his guns with Jason.

  Jessica was able to get out a few words before she was interrupted by Marilee.

  “Paul cut class just to find me. He wanted to know where you were.”

  “What did you tell him?” she whispered.

  “I figured you were sick so that’s what I said. But he kinda didn’t look convinced. He wanted to know where you lived, but I didn’t tell him … Jess, are you still there?”

  “Yes. I’m just nervous.”

  “He’ll never find out anything from me. I don’t want to see him dead either.”

  The next morning, Jessica forced herself to go to school. You will be all right. You will be all right, she repeated in order to will herself into not throwing up as she looked at the scrambled eggs sitting in front of her.

  “Can I have a pancake instead?” she asked. That sounded more appetizing than the plate of slimy yellowness staring at her.

  “All right. Are you sure you’re ready for school?”

  “I’m fine. You know how it is when you get the flu and your usual food doesn’t look that appetizing. That’s all it is.”

  Jessica met Marilee at their corner spot, and they walked to Heritage slowly because Jessica felt very low on energy. Approaching the school, Jessica spotted Paul sitting on the concrete stairs, looking around the grounds. His friends and brother, along with Alicia, were also there, talking and smoking cigarettes.

  “Someone is searching for you,” Marilee said. “How romantic.”

&
nbsp; Jessica smiled and watched to see if he’d notice her since she was not one to bring attention to herself, unlike Marilee, who was now yelling in Paul’s direction. Paul turned his head toward them and then jumped off the stairs.

  They smiled at each other as he drew closer, and Marilee cleared her throat as a reminder she was still there.

  “Hey, Marilee,” Paul said.

  “See, she’s fine. She had the flu yesterday.”

  “I see,” Paul said, turning back toward Jessica. He reached out for her hand, and she met him halfway.

  “I’m fine. All in one piece.”

  “So you had the flu?”

  “Yep.”

  “Come on love birds, or we’re gonna be late,” Marilee said.

  In homeroom, Paul again asked what had really happened to her yesterday. Jessica told him again that she was sick with the flu and couldn’t understand why Paul looked so concerned.

  “I was worried that maybe your parents found out about us and did something to you.”

  Jessica gave him a careful look. “You’re the one who should be worried if we’re discovered. My father would probably kill you.”

  Paul laughed out loud, which got Mrs. Daley’s attention, but his quick apology sent her away.

  “Kill me?” he whispered.

  Jessica realized she said too much and needed to backtrack fast. “Well, not ‘kill’ you but want to hurt you bad. I told you—overprotective.”

  Paul seemed to accept that answer but let her know that if there was a problem at home, he wanted to know about it. Jessica appreciated Paul’s attempt to be protective, but it would never work against her father. He was just too dangerous.

  Throughout the rest of the school day Jessica crawled from class to class, even her beloved tater tots looked unappealing.

  After school, Paul gave her a piggyback ride to his house as she was still feeling ill. Jessica burst with laughter when he galloped across the overpass like she was on the back of a racehorse.