Damaged Love

by Riann C. Miller

  That sounds exactly how I feel about Rachel; she’s under my skin. If I was forced to pinpoint what exactly it is about her that makes my head go crazy, I’m not sure I could come up with an answer. No, that’s not true. With Rachel, it’s all the little things that make me crazy about her.

  Rachel is never worried about how other people see her. She just is what she is—take it or leave it. Her passion for photography bleeds out into everything she does. When I look at a wall marked with graffiti, I see trash, but Rachel sees a story that someone was trying to tell. The biggest thing that has me falling for her this time is her love for her daughter. I see the same look in her eyes that my father always had for me, and it’s exactly what I want for the mother of my own children someday.

  “Rachel is definitely not someone I’ve let go of, and I didn’t realize that until she came back into my life.”

  “Good. Then do everything you can to keep her,” Kole adds in a soft, motherly tone.

  “I will, sis. I’m actually outside of her apartment now.”

  “Okay, I’ll let you go, then.” I hear her laugh before she finally says goodbye.

  When Rachel left my place last night, I desperately wanted more time with her. I want to place my mouth on hers, I want to undress her and show her exactly how I feel about her, but I kept the word slow on repeat. Rachel wants slow, and I want Rachel enough not to screw this up.

  I knock loudly on her apartment door, then seconds later, the door opens.

  The smile on my face fades when I discover it’s not Rachel but a guy who’s opened her door.

  “Can I help you?” His eyes narrow almost like he’s the one surprised to see me.

  “Yes, is Rachel home?”

  His forehead wrinkles as he answers me. “Yeah...but she’s in the shower.” My chest tightens. Rachel is in the shower, naked, while she has company over? I’m about to ask him who the hell he is when Alana runs up to the two of us.

  “Hi, Jet!” she excitedly says the second she spots me.

  “Jet?” the man questions with a sour expression.

  Alana steps out the door and starts pulling on my hand. “Come to my room. We can have a tea party.”

  I extend my other hand to the man. His eyes narrow but he finally gives me a firm shake. “Jet McKenzie.”

  “Max Sullivan.” Max? Shit, Max is Alana’s father. The acid in my stomach turns. This man has a child with Rachel. I’m not sure what to think of him, not to mention that he’s here while she’s showering. She told me the only thing they do together is co-parent, but I’m having a hard time processing what I walked in on. I take a deep breath and attempt to smile, only to notice Max is giving me a look that states he’s just as unhappy to see me as I am him.

  Alana tugs on my arm. “Mommy didn’t tell me you were coming over today.”

  “Yeah. I didn’t know either, princess,” Max adds.

  My heart is racing, my stomach is in knots, and I have no idea what the correct thing to say is when I see Rachel walk into the room in only a silky bathrobe. Her dark hair is still wet and falling around her face. “Max, have you seen—”

  Rachel stops the second her eyes lock on mine. I’m early. I’m almost an hour earlier than I told her I’d be here because, for some reason, I can’t seem to stay away from her for very long.

  “Jet. Hey. You’ll have to give me a few minutes to finish getting ready.” Her eyes look over at the clock on the wall then back to Max.

  “I had nothing going on. Sorry, I should have called you before showing up.”

  Rachel waves her hand and smiles at me. “No big deal.” Max, however, grunts like he doesn’t agree.

  “Give me a few minutes,” Rachel says as she walks back the direction she came from.

  “Can I go with you and Mommy today?” Alana innocently questions.

  I was about to tell her yes when Max pipes in. “No, sweetie, the two of us are hanging out today.” Alana’s face falls after hearing her dad. I’m not sure if Max said that because they truly have plans or if he wants to keep her away from me.

  “But I want to play with Jet!” she practically yells at her father.

  “Excuse me, young lady. Do not raise your voice at me.” Max’s tone is firm, which causes a crestfallen expression on Alana’s cute face.

  “Sorry, Daddy,” she quickly replies. Before another word is spoken, Rachel is back. She’s dressed in jeans, a sweater, comfortable boots, and she pulled her hair up into a messy bun. Her face looks natural like she didn’t even bother with any makeup.

  “I didn’t know you were expecting company,” Max says, looking directly at Rachel. “I figured you’d be gone by the time Jet got here,” she replies in a casual tone.

  Max slowly nods his head. “Well, sweets, are you ready to go?” Alana, who still looks sad that she has to leave with her dad, nods her head. “We’re going to the library later and out to lunch with Paul, but we should be back by five.”

  Rachel smiles then walks over to Alana. “I love you. Be good for Daddy, and I’ll see you tonight.” Alana gives Rachel a tight hug then grabs Max’s hand, and the two of them walk out of her apartment.

  Rachel’s eyes move to mine. She’s watching me, waiting for something. I’m guessing it’s a reaction to her relationship with Max.

  “Max seems nice.” I heard the way I said the word nice. I had a sour tone, and I was trying my hardest not to.

  “Max is nice. He’s a great guy, and a great father, and his apartment is right next to mine. I see him almost every single day. What you also need to know is that none of this is going to change, at least not in the near future. If this is going to be a problem, you might as well tell me now and save ourselves some time.”

  Just like that, take it or leave it. Do I like that her ex seems comfortable in her home? No. Do I like that she spends time with a man she’s been intimate with? No. Do I like that this man acts like he has some say in her life? Fuck no. But I respect the hell out of the arrangement they’ve made for Alana. Very few people can pull off co-parenting after a breakup, but from the sounds of it, these two have managed to make it look easy.

  “I’m fine with Max. I trust you.” Rachel’s eyes widened when I said the word trust.

  “Your letter to me...you said everything after the beginning was real.” Rachel’s eyes flash, but she eventually nods her head yes.

  “I know what I felt for you was real. You were either a horrible spy or you never told your father anything he could have used. I’m sure if you had tried hard enough you could have found something to give him, but you didn’t.”

  Rachel takes a step closer. “The night you drove me home from that party, you were nice—really nice—and I started to hate myself a little. I decided if I needed to sneak around to find information then I might as well try to find that picture my dad had. I never planned to see you again, except I couldn’t find it, and my dad paid someone who would occasionally follow me around. That’s when I made the decision to pop in and out of your life, give him just enough that he thought I was doing his dirty work for him. Then the first night we went on an actual date, something inside of me changed. I saw a really amazing guy, I didn’t want to hurt you, and I tried. I tried so damn hard not to fall for you but...I did. I did even when I knew everything would blow up in my face because it was only a matter of time.”

  My heart starts to race. “This is why I’m positive about us. We were never supposed to meet, but somehow we did,” I state.

  I never would have met Rachel if it wasn’t for her sleazy dad, but I don’t, not even for a second, regret meeting her.

  “But...I lied.” Her tone is soft and filled with sadness.

  “Everyone lies. Some of us just have better reasons to.” I repeat the same words she once said to me.

  “I’m glad I met you. I’m glad I’m standing here with you today. Our beginning didn’t start off real, but our ending can be.”

  Rachel gives up her fight and walks into my arms. I l
ower my mouth to hers and finally my world seems at peace. Her mouth is greedy and ignites my desire for her.

  My erection grows painfully hard. We had plans to go to lunch then walk through Central Park but now my dick has another agenda.

  “I want you.” When my eyes connect with Rachel’s slow is no longer a word in my vocabulary. She grabs her sweater and quickly tosses it off, leaving her in a tight tank top.

  “I want you so damn bad but only if you’re one hundred percent sure you want this. You told me slow, but Rachel—if we do this—I’m not sure I can go back to casual.”

  She tilts her head, and her eyes scrunch, questioning my statement. “I’m not asking to move in, but I can’t go back to wondering where we stand with each other. If I take you now, I’ll be making you mine. Only mine,” I growl, hoping she understands how much this means to me. The world had fourteen years to claim this woman, but now it’s my turn and any fool—including Max—that believes he still has a chance with her is fucking crazy.

  “I think I’ve always been yours, Jet.” Bingo. Exactly what I wanted to hear. I pull her tight against my body, and our lips meet once again for a kiss that’s just as hungry. I only pull away once I hear a moan rumble in her throat.

  “Bedroom,” I beg as Rachel grabs my hand and turns us toward her room. Once we make it to her room, she frees herself of her top, jeans, and boots, leaving her in only her bra and panties.

  “Jet. I want to tell you something before we do anything else,” Rachel shyly says.

  “Okay.”

  She takes a deep breath. “You were the first man, besides Russ, that I ever loved. Definitely the only man I’ve ever been in love with and that marked me.” Slowly, she turns around and pulls her hair over her left shoulder. On her right shoulder, I see a tattoo. I step closer and loudly swallow because right there on her shoulder is a plane with a few initials around it.

  “What?” I ask barely over a whisper.

  “It’s a jet plane with yours, Russ’s, Mom’s and Alana’s initials.” I turn her back around and take a closer look.

  She permanently marked me on her body. “Why?” I somehow manage to ask.

  “I got this tattoo before I moved to Miami. I had lost the three people who meant the most to me in a matter of days, and I wanted something to keep with me.” Rachel turns back around. “Later, I decided that I wanted to add Alana’s initials.”

  My heart starts to race. She marked her skin with my initials when she thought I hated her. “Thank you. I’m beyond honored that you kept me with you all these years.”

  Rachel slowly lowers herself to her bed, pulling me down on top of her. I pulled back only long enough to shed myself of my clothing. Unlike Rachel, I toss my briefs off.

  I slide my hand up her legs until I reach her panties. I pull them down her legs as Rachel removes her bra. Once we’re both naked, our eyes start scanning each other’s body. I noticed a few marks on Rachel’s stomach that weren’t there before. When her eyes follow mine, she quickly moves her hand to cover her stretch marks.

  “Don’t. Don’t hide yourself from me. These only make you more beautiful.” Rachel’s face scrunches up like she doesn’t believe me. “Everything about you, including the fact that you’re a mother, turns me on, including these.”

  Rachel starts to relax. She leans back, allowing me to take in her body once more. “Damn. From where I’m looking, this is a perfect fucking view.” Rachel smiles, and her legs fall open. “Even better,” I add with a laugh.

  I slide my hand up, stopping at her center and slowly stroking through her wetness. “Oh,” she gasps as I push a finger in slowly at first, but then my movements become frantic. “I want you. I want you inside of me.” I remove my finger and place it in my mouth, sucking off the taste of her as I move in between her legs. I groan when a thought comes crashing down on me. I’m harder than I’ve been in years, and I want nothing more than to slide inside of her, but I don’t have a condom. “Rach?” Her eyes lock with mine. “What’s wrong?”

  “I wasn’t expecting this to happen, at least not today, so I didn’t bring anything with me.” Her eyes thin. “I don’t have a condom,” I explain.

  “Oh.” She blows out a frustrated breath. “Sorry, but I don’t have any under my bathroom sink.” She smirks. “That’s the last thing I need my four-year-old to find, but...” She trails off only to chew on her lip.

  “What?” I question.

  “I’m clean, and I’m on the pill.” She nervously swallows, waiting for me to say something. Sex and trust go hand in hand. That’s always been my motto, and it’s because of that, I’ve never had sex without a condom before.

  In this moment, I want nothing more than to slide into her willing body, so the question remains, do I trust her?

  Our eyes lock as a tremble vibrates through my chest. There was a time in my life when I questioned Rachel’s loyalty, and because of that, I’ve spent years processing every moment we spent together. Rachel might’ve lied to me, but I know in my heart she didn’t lie about anything important.

  “I trust you.” Rachel’s body goes solid. “I mean it. Our story didn’t end fourteen years ago...it had just begun.” Her eyes soften. I lower myself down between her legs. I’m centered up perfectly, and without taking my eyes off of hers, I slide home.

  “Oh God...” she moans as I start pumping in and out of her. “You feel so fucking amazing.” I had no idea how incredible sex could feel without using a condom, or maybe it’s because I’m finally with my person, the only person who was truly made for me.

  “Faster,” she moans.

  I wanted our first time to be soft and slow, but from the second I slid inside of her, all my previous thoughts about this moment went straight out the window.

  “Yessssss,” I hear as her fingernails start digging in my ass, encouraging me to keep moving. My nerves are on fire, and when I look down and see her fantastic tits bouncing as I continue pounding into her, I know I’m going to need to speed things up, at least for Rachel.

  “Just like that...like that...” She trails off as I feel her starting to clench around me as she begins to ride out her release. I keep thrusting harder until I feel her body start to relax. The look of happiness that crosses her face spurs me on even more. My pace quickens, causing the bed to slam into the wall. My balls tighten as I finally let go.

  “Fuuuck,” I growl as the last of my release drains from my body.

  The only sound in the room is the two of us attempting to catch our breath. I sag on top of Rachel as my heart finally feels content.

  “I missed you,” I whisper, causing her to still. “I mean it. I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t moved because I’m positive New York is where I needed to go, but...” I stop myself from saying I think I would’ve asked her to move with me.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was moving. I didn’t think you’d care,” she whispers.

  I slide out of Rachel before looking her in the eyes. “I’m sorry.”

  “No, don’t be sorry.” She sniffles. “Jet, I lied to you. You have nothing to be sorry for. Right or wrong, I made a decision, and that decision affected our relationship.”

  “But you moved—” She cuts me off before I could finish my sentence.

  “I moved because Russ and my mom died, my dad was heading to jail, and I couldn’t stand to be near Calvin. I didn’t move to get away from you.” She runs her hand through her hair while she continues to stare at me, waiting for me to say something.

  “I wish I would’ve known.”

  “Nothing would’ve changed. I had somewhere I needed to be, and so did you. Our lives would’ve gone their own way even if you had truly forgiven me then. That just wasn’t our time.”

  I pull her body tight against mine, breathing in her sweet scent, and allowing her warmth to calm me. Slowly, I roll away from her, bringing my eyes back to hers. “Maybe it wasn’t our time, but I think now is or at least I fucking want it to be.
”

  “We can try. I want to try but, Jet, our lives, at least mine, is nothing like it once was. My work schedule is crazy and unpredictable, and my free time is usually spent with Alana.” She stops and chews on her lip again, a habit she seems to do a lot. “Dating hasn’t been convenient since I’ve had Alana. In my experience, men are quick to agree to my crazy life, but then when reality sets in, being second doesn’t rate well.”

  I immediately crawl over her body, trapping her beneath me. “I would think a lot fucking less of you if you put me before your daughter, and I’m not fucking around when I say this. I. Get. It. You have a life, and I don’t expect you to stop living it. All I ask is that you make room for me. Maybe not every day, but somewhere.”

  I close the distance between us before placing my lips on hers. Her mouth moves against mine as I softly start nipping at her lips. I have no idea what has come over me. Where Rachel is concerned, I can’t seem to get enough, and I know even though I won’t admit this out loud, in the back of my head, I’m worried she’s going to disappear on me.

  “You can’t possibly be ready to go again.” Rachel bats her eyes at me. I grind my hip into the side of her leg, allowing her to feel for herself how ready I really am.

  “Let’s take a shower and clean up while we get dirty,” she says as she tries to slip out from underneath me.

  “That sounds like a brilliant idea.” I jump up and off the bed, picking Rachel up at the same time, causing her to laugh. I quickly walk to her bathroom and set her down on the vanity while I start the shower. When I turn back toward Rachel, I know in my heart there’s nowhere I’d rather be than here with her, starting a new beginning.

  RACHEL

  “EARTH TO RACHEL. HELLO.” I look over at Zanie, only to see her waving her hand in the air trying to get my attention.

  “Sorry, what did you say?”

  “What’s going on with you? You’re never this checked out when we’re discussing your schedule.” I’m in my office with Zanie, but my mind is stuck on Jet and the day we shared.