Never to Hope

by Aimie Grey

  This officer was nicer than Sullivan and left the handcuffs much looser. On my way back to the interrogation room, I noticed Carter’s desk was vacant. He was probably out with his buddies celebrating my arrest. Of all the things I thought he could be after, I never even considered the possibility that he was trying to take me down for drugs. There were many things he could have legitimately arrested me for—prostitution, tax evasion, assault—but he chose the one thing I didn’t do. The worst part was he knew I wasn’t involved in my parents’ business. He had been using me the whole time to further his career in order to impress his mommy and daddy, and he didn’t give a fuck what happened to me.

  A man in a suit stood as I entered the room. “Ms. Ross, my name is Rodney Hastings from Smith, Lewis, Hastings, and Perkins. I’ve been retained to represent you.” He turned his attention to the officer when he went to chain me to the table. “That isn’t necessary. She isn’t a violent offender.”

  The officer nodded and left the room. Mr. Hastings held his hand out to me. “I didn’t call anyone,” I said as I shook his hand.

  “I’m taking your case pro bono. An anonymous friend of my firm told us about your case and asked us to help you.”

  “Who?”

  “I’m afraid I can’t say, but I can guarantee your case will receive my full attention, and I will do everything in my power to make all of this go away. Will you allow me to represent you?”

  “Yes, thank you.” I would wait until later to worry about who had called him. When the firm realized it was a mistake, I could pay them with the money I had saved for tuition. If I ended up with a record, I wouldn’t have any use for that money anyway. All I knew was I needed this man’s help, and I needed it now.

  “Tell me what happened. Start with the part about why your face is bleeding and then circle back around to the beginning.”

  After I told him about being pushed to the ground and into the rock, I gave him an abbreviated version of my life story, from the first time I saw my parents high until the moment I shook his hand.

  “These young cops will do anything to make a bust. They are trying to make a name for themselves and don’t care about the facts or who they hurt,” he said. My heart sank at the thought of what Carter had done to me. “There is no way they’ll be able to make this stick. The most they can pin on you is failure to report a crime. They might try to charge you with more, but I’m sure a jury would listen to your story and let you off.”

  He sounded so sure that it would be okay, but I didn’t share his confidence. “I can’t have an arrest record. It will ruin everything.”

  “I’m going to get you out of here tonight. I want you to go straight to Saint Joe’s Hospital and have them document every scratch and bruise on your body. Give them one of these,” he reached into his breast pocket and produced two business cards, “and they will know what to do.

  “I’m going to have a little chat with the District Attorney. When you’re finished at the hospital, go home and get some sleep. I’ll call you first thing Monday morning to give you an update on the case. If, for some reason, I’m not available, I’ll have my colleague contact you in my stead. I’ll get ahold of you if anything urgent comes up before then.” He made sure I was looking him in the eye before he finished speaking. “Don’t worry; I’ll take care of everything.”

  Hoping a higher power—one I wasn’t sure I even believed in—would hear me, I prayed he was one person I would actually be able to trust.

  Chapter Thirteen

  The hospital’s waiting room was packed, but when I showed Mr. Hastings’s business card to the triage nurse, she bumped me to the top of the non-critical list. While waiting for my name to be called, I stared at the subtitled television hanging on the wall. Not because I was paying attention, I just wanted to affix my eyes somewhere appropriate so I wouldn’t risk freaking someone out if my empty stare happened to land on them.

  About an hour after I arrived, I was taken through the large double doors to the back. It was a good thing I wasn’t modest, because a young nurse photographed every inch of my body, and then a doctor poked and prodded for a while.

  When I was finished being examined under the microscope, I called a taxi. I was too far from my apartment to walk, and my car was still out at my parents’ campsite. Deciding to get my car instead of making another trip out to pick it up later, I gave the driver detailed instructions to the middle of nowhere.

  Pulling around the bend, I could see that the field where the raid had taken place was cordoned off with yellow police tape. As we got closer, there wasn’t another soul in sight. My car was also absent, likely impounded as evidence or some other bullshit excuse to make my life hell. If one more shitty thing happened, I would end up in a padded room. Without even opening the door, I asked the driver to take me to my apartment.

  Staying in my apartment wasn’t an option I would even consider. Since the day I met him, Carter had torn my life apart so completely that I’d forgotten to protect myself. I’d thought he had built me back up, made me stronger, but that was all a lie. There was nothing to stop him from coming after me again. Maybe he wasn’t done fucking with my head. Maybe he wanted to suck me back in and then push me off of the precipice with one more swift blow to my heart. No, I couldn’t sleep in the same building as the man who got off on torturing me.

  There was a cheap motel over on Main that rented rooms by the week. It might not have been the nicest or cleanest place in town, but it was as good a place as any to hide while my fucked-up life was in limbo. When I made it back to my apartment, I threw a few things in a backpack, grabbed an umbrella, and left.

  A violent thunderstorm had moved in quickly, but that didn’t deter me from getting away from the place I’d called home for over a year. A place I wasn’t sure I’d ever call home again. The winds were stronger than I’d seen in a couple of years, which made the umbrella useless. Even with the rain coming at me sideways, I kept going. It wasn’t until I realized I was no longer being stabbed by the gusting drops of water that I noticed I had once again deviated from the path.

  This clearing—this tree—was like a homing beacon to me. It was as if I was incapable of walking past it without first stopping to say hello. I shouldn’t have been surprised by what I saw. Just as Hurricane Carter had irreparably damaged my heart, a lightning strike from the storms that had been plaguing the region had split my poor, lonely tree nearly in two.

  *

  By the time two-thirty Wednesday afternoon rolled around, I was already entering the downtown building where Mr. Hastings worked. My appointment wasn’t until three, but I was too anxious to wait at the motel any longer. During the elevator ride to the top floor, I straightened my skirt and checked my hair the best that I could in the reflective doors.

  There was only one door in sight when I exited the elevator, and luckily, the sign above it read, Smith, Lewis, Hastings, and Perkins. Feeling like a fish out of water, I stepped through the clear glass door and hesitantly approached the immaculately put together receptionist.

  “My name’s Alissa Ross. I have an appointment with Mr. Hastings at three,” I said in a meek voice. I wasn’t sure why she made me nervous; it wasn’t like the receptionist would know all of the details of my case. Maybe I would always worry that I reeked of whore.

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Ross. My name is Brandy. Is there anything I can get for you? Coffee? Water?”

  “No, thank you.”

  “Mr. Hastings is on a conference call at the moment. I’ll show you to the waiting area and let him know you’re here.”

  “Thank you.”

  She led me around a corner and down a hall until we arrived in open area with several groupings of white leather arm chairs in the center. “Make yourself comfortable. The beverage station is over there. Feel free to help yourself if you change your mind. If you need anything else, the phone on the table next to it rings to my desk.”

  I was still getting my bearings when I
realized she’d already left. I picked a chair in the center of the room and took a seat. The area was completely surrounded by glass offices. No longer feeling like I was the fish, it was more like I was visiting the aquarium at the zoo.

  While I waited, my eyes scanned all of the wildlife being held in captivity. Some of the offices had frosted walls, while others were perfectly clear. My gaze was passing over the opaque corner office when the walls suddenly became clear, which startled the crap out of me. I thought that kind of technology only existed in fiction. After a long blink and a quick, yet deep, breath, I looked up and saw Mr. Hastings exiting the office I’d been examining.

  “Ms. Ross,” Mr. Hastings said, “come on back.” He stepped out into the common area and held the door open for me. He pulled the door closed behind him after following me inside. “Have a seat.”

  Once we were both settled, a wide smile split his face. “I talked to the DA this morning and have all of the paperwork right here. All charges are being dropped. Your record will be spotless.”

  “How—why?”

  “I told him your story, and he agreed you aren’t a big part of this. I also pointed out that prosecuting a victim of child abuse for her parents’ crimes would look vicious in the press, and this is an election year. The report I received from the hospital sealed the deal. I told him he should keep his eyes open for a police brutality suit.” Every iota of tension escaped from both my body and soul at the same time. His smile faltered. “Your parents, however, will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.”

  “Good,” I said. “They need help, and this is the only way they’re going to get it.” Maybe this was a blessing. If this is what it took for them to find their way back to me, it would be worth every minute of the hell I’d endured over the past few days.

  “Now that that’s settled, one of my colleagues would like to speak to you before you leave.” Mr. Hastings looked behind me to the door and gestured for someone to come in.

  Without having to look, my body sensed who it was the minute the door opened. “What the fuck are you doing here?” I asked without turning. Mr. Hastings grimaced when he saw my tight expression.

  “Working,” Carter replied. I felt him move closer.

  “You’re a cop, not a lawyer,” I hissed. Finally, I stood and faced him. “Why can’t you just leave me the fuck alone for once?” Without waiting for an answer, I stormed from the office, forcing myself not to look back.

  *

  For the first time in my adult life, I didn’t have a plan. Sitting on the floor amongst several partially packed boxes in my living room was overwhelming but liberating. Hopefully by the time they were full, I’d have some idea of where they were going to end up.

  “It’s open!” I yelled when the doorbell rang. The maintenance department was coming around to spray for termites, so before I dug into my work, I’d unlatched the lock and disengaged the security system that Carter had installed.

  “You shouldn’t leave the door unlocked.”

  Of all the people I expected to walk through my door, he was at the very bottom of the list. His mission to bring me down had failed, so he no longer had a reason to pretend to care. “What the fuck do you want? Please, just leave me alone. Do you have some sort of personal vendetta against me?”

  “You left before I could talk to you the other day.”

  “That wasn’t an accident.” If we weren’t in my home, I’d have done it again.

  “Give me ten minutes. If you still want me to leave at the end of those ten minutes and never come back, I will.”

  “No. Leave now.” Was there anything he could say to make it better?

  “Not until you hear what I have to say. We can do this the hard way or the easy way. Your choice.”

  “Five minutes, and then you stay the fuck away from me. Forever.”

  “If that’s what you want, I will honor your wishes.” He came farther into the room and perched on the arm of the couch. “I quit the force. Remember how I told you my parents were upset with me for not sticking with the family business? Smith, Lewis, Hastings, and Perkins is the family business. When I saw what my so-called ‘brothers in blue’ did to you, I called my dad to get Hastings to represent you.”

  “I could have gotten a public defender.” Not that I’d even considered my options before I met Mr. Hastings.

  “You needed the best, and Hastings is the best.”

  “Why would you even care? You’re the reason I was arrested in the first place. Don’t try to deny it—I heard your buddies congratulating you at the scene. ‘Hooray for Smith! We couldn’t have done it without you’,” I said, sarcasm oozing from my imitation of Sullivan.

  “I wasn’t at the scene; Gavin Smith was. I didn’t know anything about the raid until I saw you walk into the station. I cornered Sullivan, and he was so proud of himself that he told me everything.

  “That night at the club, they were teasing me because I left the room so quickly; said I couldn’t get it up. Sullivan usually scouted out the back room, but he wasn’t there that night. I guess he usually took full advantage of his assignment.” Carter’s face twisted in obvious disgust. “Anyway, Gavin was covering the parking lot. He overheard your conversation with your parents and thought he’d stumbled upon a big break in the case. Gavin took down your license plate number, told Sullivan about it the next day, and then the two of them took it to the brass.

  “Then when the guy broke in and was arrested, he decided to trade information in hopes of making a deal. He provided detailed information about you and who your parents are, along with their activities. It seems he was just the mouthpiece for someone higher up in the running of the illegal enterprises CM is involved in, and they thought giving a ‘family of drug manufacturers’ to the cops would be a good way to get the heat off of them.” I guess the backroom activities went higher than Bruce after all. His eyes filled with regret. “None of that would have happened if you hadn’t left early that first night because of me. I’m so fucking sorry. I swear if I’d known, I would have tried to stop it, or at least warn you.”

  “None of this explains why you quit the force.” I turned my back to him, pretending to organize the contents of one of the boxes.

  “When I asked my dad for the firm to represent you, he agreed on the condition I come back to work immediately.”

  “But you hate it there.” The words left my mouth before I remembered that I shouldn’t care.

  “I do hate it there, but I hated the thought of you losing your dream, and possibly your freedom, much, much more. Besides, after I saw how Sullivan had hurt you, and he bragged about it like roughing up a woman made him a hero…” He moved from the couch and knelt in front of me; his fingers ghosted over the healing cut on my cheek. I stood and backed away from him.

  “You need to quit and go back to the force. I’ll use my tuition money to pay for Mr. Hastings’s services.” I had to keep in mind that Carter was a master manipulator, and I refused to owe him anything.

  “Remember when I told you I’d never get in the way of your dreams? I meant it. But even if I wanted to quit, I can’t. I signed an ironclad employment contract.”

  “Your parents trapped you into working for them?” The sarcasm in my voice wasn’t lost on him.

  “Yes. You can go down there and talk to them if you don’t believe me. It wasn’t all one sided though, I got a few other things out of the deal too.”

  “Do you get to move back to your big apartment?” Distance. Distance would be good.

  “I could, but I find I like my current neighborhood much better than that big, lonely apartment. But that’s not what I was referring to.”

  “Better make it fast; you’re running out of time.”

  “As part of the deal, my parents will be paying for your education, and you have a job with Aaron Perkins—he’s the head of the family law division. You’ll start out as a paid intern in the fall and then start clerking for him once you have a semester of law sc
hool under your belt.” He stood and took a couple of careful steps toward me. “I spoke with Aaron and told him your interest in working with endangered children. He said he has more requests for cases like that than he can handle, so you will be able to do what you love.”

  Somehow, while he’d been talking, my hand ended up in his. “You did all of that for me? You gave up your dream so I could have mine?” He nodded in response. “You know I can’t accept the job or any other assistance from you or your family. I can’t be indebted to you or them.”

  “I thought you might say that. This isn’t a special favor—not completely anyway. The firm usually offers this deal to a promising new law student once a year. When I told them about your ambition and determination, they were very impressed and agreed. I just had them add it to my contract as a safety measure.”

  “Still—”

  “Please, just think about it. You will be earning a paycheck and will still have the money you’ve saved so far. You won’t be beholden to anyone. If you don’t want to do it, then I won’t try to force you. I just want you to be happy”

  “Why me?” It was at the heart of every insecurity I’d ever had with him.

  “When we met, it felt as if my heart recognized you. I know it sounds cheesy, or even crazy, but I fell in love with you while you were hopping around on one foot, cursing my stupidity. I’m in love with you, Alissa. I’ve loved you since the moment I first laid eyes on you, and I will love you until I take my last breath. This whole situation is one giant clusterfuck of misunderstandings and bad luck.”

  “I-I don’t know what to say.” I wanted to believe him, but every time I did, I ended up getting fucked over.

  “Say you’ll give me another chance to prove myself to you. We can take it slow; I’ll do whatever it takes to earn your trust. Please, just don’t ask me to walk away.”

  I searched his eyes, looking for anything that would help me figure out what to do. If I’d seen the tiniest bit of deceit, my decision would have been so much easier. Was what we had real? Could we have it again, or was it irreparably damaged? It would take a lot of time and effort to rebuild any sense of trust between us. Was it worth the risk to try?