Never to Hope

by Aimie Grey

  As much as I desperately wanted a clear sign telling me the right thing to do, in the end, I didn’t find the answer I sought in his gaze.

  I found it in my heart.

  Part Two

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Carter

  “Remember how we couldn’t see the floor when you moved into your old place?” Alissa asked after tentatively stepping into the living room of our new condo. “That is definitely not a problem here. It actually looks kind of empty.”

  “It wouldn’t be if you’d bring more of your stuff.” I’d moved from my apartment near the park three days ago, and with the help of the movers and organizers my mother hired, all of my belongings were already unpacked and neatly put away. There was plenty of room for all of Alissa’s possessions; however, all she brought with her were two large duffle bags.

  “How many square feet is it again?” she asked, choosing to ignore my passive-aggressive hint.

  “A little over twenty-five hundred,” I reminded her. We’d been over all of the specifications when I first told her about this place. Three bedrooms, three bathrooms, two assigned parking spaces in the underground garage.

  “That’s almost four times the size of my last place. Even if I brought everything I own, it wouldn’t make a dent. I can see how you accumulated so much stuff before,” she said, her eyes continuously scanning the common area. “I’m gonna go to the guest room and unpack.”

  “It’s not the guest room, it’s your room. Just like this isn’t my apartment; it’s our home.” We’d had this conversation several times, but she hadn’t exactly embraced the concept yet. “Let me carry those for you.” I took a step toward her to help.

  “Thanks, but I’ve got it. I’m stronger than I look.”

  In more ways than one. The soles of her shoes clicked on the hardwood floors as she made her way down the hall to her new room. If I knew my girl, she’d be back in less than thirty seconds.

  “What the hell happened in there?” she asked, pointing behind her in the general direction of the bedrooms as she doubled back on the path she’d just taken. My prediction had been spot on; she was standing in front of me, looking very unhappy, with a couple of seconds to spare. “When I was here three days ago, there was only basic furniture, linens, and curtains. Now it looks like Pottery Barn threw up in there.”

  “Trust me, nothing in there came from Pottery Barn. I told you my mom and her decorator have a tendency to go overboard,” I reminded her as I shrugged my shoulders. I had a feeling the new look wouldn’t go over very well with Alissa, but I’d held out a sliver of hope she wouldn’t mind it. “Fran’s designs are for appearance more so than comfort. I’m honestly surprised by how low-key your room is.”

  “You call that low-key? Did you see how many pillows are on the bed?” As she spoke, I realized she was more anxious than angry. “Why would they do that room and not any of the others?”

  “Mom does want to do the whole place; she told me it needs to be perfect for when I entertain the senior partners.” The look of horror on Alissa’s face was almost comical. “Which I have no intention of doing. When I saw what they had done, I told Mom she couldn’t touch anything else without consulting you since it’s also your home.”

  “But that doesn’t explain why she did my room,” she said, her attention drifting to her hands twisting in front of her. I smiled to myself when she called it her room, even though it was probably a slipup on her part.

  “To get her off my back, I told her she could do my bedroom, figuring you and I can redo it when you move in to the master bedroom with me.” Every chance I had, I reminded her of my end goal so she could grow accustomed to the idea. “I don’t remember the exact words I used, but the attorney in her somehow found a loophole to twist it into meaning she could do your room.” Alissa’s eyes returned to mine when I gently grasped upper arms. “Honestly, I think she was trying to do something nice for you, in her own weird way. Back in the day, she would’ve had the whole place done regardless of my wishes. And it could be worse; at least this way, you’ll get to have a say in the master bedroom up front.”

  Alissa fidgeted while surveying the living space a little more carefully than she had before. “Does she really want to do the entire apartment to the extent she did my room? It is a little empty, but I don’t think it needs much.”

  “I can tell her to back off if you don’t want anything changed, or you could tell her how much or little you want done.” An idea of what her issue might be dawned on me. “Do you not like your room? We can have it changed.”

  “No, I mean, it’s nice…just a little too nice. I’ve never had a pretty room before. I didn’t earn the money that paid for it, so I don’t think I should have the benefit of it.”

  “If you don’t want to stay in there, you can always move into my room with me now instead of waiting two more months.”

  Even with the unabashed hope on my face, she still shot me down with her practiced logic. “You know why that’s not a good idea. We talked about taking some time to strengthen our relationship without using sex to fix all of our problems, remember?”

  “Can’t blame a guy for trying,” I said with a wink. “What’s really bothering you about all of this?”

  “I just don’t feel like it’s my place to make decisions about the apartment since it’s not mine.” She continued to look at anything but me.

  “Based on your argument, it’s not mine either, since I don’t pay for it, and it’s not an employee benefit. We both live here, and I want you to be comfortable in this space.” I sighed and decided to pick my battles. “I’ll leave it up to you. I trust your taste way more than theirs, so I’d prefer it if you helped with the choices, or at least approved the designer’s ideas, but I understand if you don’t want to.”

  Finally some of the tension in her muscles relaxed, and I realized she needed to feel as if she had a choice, like she wasn’t being pushed into it. “How about I at least look at what they come up with before they spend a lot of money? Maybe if I see what they want to do, I can go buy cheaper versions at Target or a flea market before they have a chance to be so wasteful.”

  “If they don’t waste money on this, they’ll just waste it on something else. We may come home one day and find a two-hundred-thousand-dollar vase on the mantle.” My chin rested on top of her head when I pulled her into a hug. “Please, just relax and go with the flow this time. I promise it will be easier in the long run.”

  “I’ll think about it,” she said, taking a step back as our hug came to a natural conclusion.

  “Good. Now what do you want to do on our first official night living together?”

  “I need to unpack,” she said. “Why don’t you come up with an idea or two while I’m doing that?”

  “Okay,” I said to her back since she had already turned to return to her room.

  Putting her stuff away wouldn’t take very long seeing as she’d only brought what she deemed essential: clothes, toiletries, and her e-reader. Her minimal luggage spoke to her insecurities without her uttering a single word. Every day I tried to find ways to reassure her I wanted only her and I wasn’t going anywhere, but after everything we’d been through, I could understand her hesitance.

  Taking in a deep breath, I reminded myself the important thing was she was here. Only one short month ago, I had been certain I’d lost her for good. My thoughts drifted back to the day I’d been given another chance with the woman I loved.

  My lungs burned with the breath I couldn’t release. Alissa’s beautiful blue eyes probed mine, delving all the way through to my soul. Each breath she took echoed in the stillness of the room. I was dying inside, but all I could do was wait. Wait for the answer that would either make my life worth living or drag me straight to the fifth circle of hell.

  Her eyelids fell for a long moment. When she finally met my gaze again, the most beautiful two syllables I’d ever heard escaped her lips. “Okay.”

  My chest deflated i
n relief, and I drew in a new breath. “Really?”

  “Yes, but I think we need to take it slowly. I wasn’t prepared for this—for you coming back—so I need to think about it. I have a lot of baggage to sort through.”

  “Whatever you need. I promise I’ll do whatever it takes to make this work.”

  My girl was a planner, of that I was certain. Since our new beginning, Alissa saw a therapist, Dr. Wyles, several times per week to help her work through her past. Upon request, I occasionally join her for a session. With guidance from her therapist, we came up with a scenario to pursue our relationship that made Alissa comfortable. She wasn’t emotionally ready to resume a physical relationship, so we decided to date and really get to know each other before jumping into bed again. We agreed to abstain for three months, at which time we would both get thoroughly tested for sexually transmitted diseases. When the results came back, we would reevaluate and decide if we were ready to move forward.

  With my long hours at the firm and our lack of physical intimacy, I craved every minute I could spend with her. I needed her close by to reassure myself her fears wouldn’t get the better of her and make her run.

  The commute to and from work ate away at our time, and even though she’d started working a few hours per week as a file clerk at the firm, we couldn’t ride together because we didn’t leave at the same time. Seeing this as a large obstacle to our progress, I made a plan of my own to correct the situation.

  My parents owned several condos in the heart of the city, which they’d purchased as investments, and when I started back at the firm, they offered to let me live in one rent free. I could afford my own place, but why spend money when I didn’t have to. I loved the location of the building. It was within walking distance of the stadiums, a mall, and, most importantly to them, the firm. I didn’t have any delusions their offer was made out of love.

  They’d given me two options: this apartment or the one I’d lived in before. This unit was more grandiose than my previous unit in this building, but I didn’t want my first home with Alissa to be a place where I’d brought other women. I wanted us to have a fresh start in a place where all of the memories would be ours.

  It had taken me three weeks to convince Alissa to move with me to the modern building in downtown Indianapolis. When I first broached the subject of moving in together, I used the time we wasted commuting as my main argument. She rebutted by offering to come to me and be waiting when I got home, since she only worked two mornings per week at the firm. Even the mention of gas prices didn’t sway her.

  When my commute rationale didn’t persuade her, I tried to think of all of her potential arguments against moving in together and then pulled out my best ammunition: she wouldn’t have to pay rent; her name wouldn’t be on a lease, so there wasn’t a long-term commitment; the place was much larger than her old apartment, so she would have plenty of personal space. I also tacked on an addendum to my travel-time argument by pointing out that in a couple of months, she’d be working a lot more hours and starting law school, and it would be much more convenient to live in the city.

  My outstanding arguing skills, which had won many cases in court, had little effect on her, although she briefly wavered when I mentioned the building’s state-of-the-art security system. What finally got Alissa to relent was her old-as-fuck car breaking down. When she saw the two-thousand-dollar estimate to get it repaired, she decided moving closer to work and school was the right call, especially since there wasn’t any public transportation between the small suburb where our old apartment building was located and the Circle City.

  Once she’d agreed, I went to another therapy appointment with her, and after outlining some potential pitfalls, Dr. Wyles helped us work out an arrangement that Alissa was content with.

  “Do you know what you want for dinner?” My voice echoed down the hallway as I called out to her instead of going to find her. Since she’d been radiating energy similar to a skittish cat, I decided to give her some space to adjust.

  Alissa took half of a step into the hall, one foot in her room and the other foot out, before responding. “I’m not very hungry, why don’t you go ahead without me?” The way she straddled the threshold of her bedroom door perfectly portrayed her position in our relationship. One foot in with the other out, so if things didn’t work out she’d have an easier escape.

  She had to be hungry, so I figured this was her way to get me out of the house so she could acclimate to her new environment on her own.

  “The Thai place over on the east side sounds really good; how about I get takeout?” The drive would be at least twenty minutes each way, and since it was a sit-down restaurant on a busy Friday night, it would take a while for them to prepare the food. “Do you want me to pick you up the seafood curry you had last time?”

  “Yeah, maybe I’ll have more of an appetite by the time you get back. Can you get an order of spring rolls too?” she asked, lowering her voice as she walked toward me since she no longer needed to yell to be heard.

  “Already planned on it; I’ll get six just to make sure we don’t fight over them.”

  “Do you want me to call in the order?” she asked while looking down at her now exposed toes. They were much sexier without all of the fake crap on the nails.

  “Nah, I’m not sure what I want yet. I’ll look at the menu when I get there.” The relief on her face was staggering as she realized how much longer the trip would take. Unable to resist, I leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on her cheek. “I’ll be back in a while.”

  “Carter?” Almost to the door, I turned toward her. “Thank you.”

  I nodded and then left.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Alissa

  The stiffness in my posture dissipated as soon as the door closed behind Carter. I had no idea what I’d gotten myself into with him, but my gut told me I had to try.

  At least I still had my savings, and most of my belongings were in storage so I could leave quickly if needed. I’d debated signing a six-month lease on a studio apartment so I’d have a place to go, but when I did the math, the rent on my storage unit and a month or two at a rent-by-the-week motel would be more cost effective until I could find a more permanent place.

  The new apartment was beautiful, like something out of a magazine. It was too nice for me though; I didn’t deserve to live there. I didn’t belong in an apartment with floor-to-ceiling windows, marble countertops, and shiny hardwood floors. The opulence surrounding me only amplified the memories of the RV I’d grown up in. I’d seen crown molding and solid wood cabinets before, but I never thought I’d be putting my groceries in those cabinets. No, I didn’t belong here, but Carter did. And if I wanted to be with Carter, I needed to learn to live with the grandeur, at least for a while.

  Finally unpacking the meager belongings I’d brought with me, I put my clothes in the dresser and closet with plenty of room to spare. One good thing about Carter’s mom’s overhaul was the fancy hangers in the closet; I hadn’t thought to bring any with me. Putting the extra space to good use, I shoved the dozen or so decorative pillows from the bed into the empty drawers and onto a shelf in the back of the closet. I spread the few other belongings I’d brought with me around the room to make it feel a little more like a home as opposed to a catalogue. The entire process took about fifteen minutes, after which I had nothing to do except wait for Carter to return.

  Carter had been very much attuned to my needs, enough to know I could use some time by myself, but the longer I was alone, the more out of place I felt. Wandering around, taking everything in, I did my best to convince myself it was okay for me to live here and that I was worthy of having this roof over my head. Dr. Wyles had been working with me on my self-worth issues, but in doing so, we had to dig into the root of my problems, which seemed to be making them worse before they would get better.

  As I wandered around the condo, I couldn’t help but continue to focus on the extravagance. My fingers ran along the back of the l
uxurious living room couch, trying to fathom someone spending so much money on a place to sit. It seemed like such a waste when there were so many hungry people just outside of this building; people who would be sleeping on the streets tonight. The thought of Carter’s mom spending even more money on additional furniture and decorations was nauseating.

  However, I couldn’t continue along that train of thought. This was my current situation, and I would make the most of it until I was financially secure and could talk to Carter about moving somewhere more modest. Until I was an equal partner, it wasn’t my place to ask Carter to move out of a beautiful place he didn’t have to pay for. Living here would help me save the money I needed to go to school so I could make a difference for those people out there who needed someone to fight for them. When I had a steady job, which wasn’t wrapped up in Carter’s life, I would suggest we move somewhere less…well, less everything.

  But I still couldn’t help thinking about all of the souls out there with nowhere to go; the girls like me who would end up working in a club if they were lucky enough not to end up on a street corner.

  By the time Carter returned with the food, I wasn’t hungry—for real this time. Not wanting to waste food, I ate anyway, but then excused myself to my room for the night. Nearing a full-blown panic attack, I made a brief, yet expensive, after-hours phone call to Dr. Wyles.

  “You’d seen the apartment before you moved in. Why do you think it’s such a shock now?” she asked after I explained my reaction to the place.

  “It didn’t feel real before. I just realized when I wake up in the morning, my coffee will be coming from a four-hundred-dollar machine. It’s just all too much.”