Beneath Your Beautiful

by Tamsyn Bester

  I clutch his shirt, grabbing it with my fists and I let go. I cry for the baby I didn’t have the chance to love and then lost. I cry for everything I left behind and I cry for the girl I used to be.

  When my body can’t take anymore I drift off, cocooned in Grayson’s arms.

  I forget about how this will complicate things. I forget about how I’ve allowed myself to trust him at my most vulnerable moment and I forget about how wrong this should feel.

  I allow how right it feels to be here eclipse how much I’m hurting and how broken I feel.

  ** ** ** ** ** **

  The sun shines through my bedroom window warming my heavy eyelids. The events of last night come back in fragments; the last thing I remember is falling asleep with Grayson wrapped around me. I roll over expecting to find him but instead the bed next to me is empty.

  Thank God.

  I have no idea how I was going to face him after everything that happened last night and I’m grateful I don’t have to. Maybe if I hide out in my apartment long enough he’ll just forget about me, the idea of which is far more appealing than the idea of explaining my past.

  Noises come from outside my room so I slip my slippers and robe on and walk out to find Demi. I find her standing in the door way with a cup of coffee in her hand, her hair a complete mess. I randomly wonder where she slept last night since she hasn’t moved in yet.

  “G’morning sunshine,” she greets, watching me watch her from the hallway. She’s way too perky in the mornings. “How did you sleep?” I smile weakly, “Fine, thank you.” We both know it’s a lie. Well kind of.

  I turn to pour some coffee into a mug and I can feel Demi’s eyes on me. “Are you ok?” I can hear the concern in her voice and I contemplate lying to her but then decide against it. She has been such a good friend and she deserves my honesty at least. “I don’t know.” My head and heart are both in disarray. “They came by to fix the door his morning,” Demi says, interrupting my failed attempt at sorting through what I’m feeling. Then I remember that Grayson kicked my door in. “Did they stay here all night?” I look around the apartment expecting to find Brody or Grayson passed out on my couches.

  “They left about an hour ago,” she replies.

  “Where did you sleep?”

  “In the guest bedroom,” she hesitates, “With Brody.”

  I sputter and almost choke on my coffee. “What? You shared a bed with Brody?”

  She blushes and I immediately feel bad for interrogating her. I’m just surprised. Demi does have a boyfriend after all.

  “Well yeah, after Grayson fell asleep with you, I told Brody he should just share the guest bed with me. No reason for him to sleep on the couch. They decided to stay since we couldn’t lock the door.” She looks away but I still see her cheeks flush a deeper shade of red. Does she have a thing for Brody? I always thought they couldn’t stand each other? Interesting…

  It then occurs to me that Grayson spent the entire night with me, making sure I was ok. A new wave of embarrassment washes over me as I remember how they all found me. “I’m sorry for scaring you Dem.”

  “You scared me to death girly,” she whispers, her eyes glazing over with unshed tears. Guilt ripples through me and I pull Demi into a hug, hoping she’ll know just how sorry I am for scaring her.

  She shakes her head. “Ok, enough with the mushy stuff. We’re having a girls’ day today so go get your ass ready. Manicures, pedicures – the works!”

  “That sounds perfect,” I walk into my room. I strip and step into a scorching shower. The tension in my shoulders dissipates and my cluttered feelings float down the drain with the water. When it feels like my skin might slip right of my bones I switch the water off.

  I check my phone, disappointed to find nothing from Grayson, and find Demi waiting for me in the kitchen. “You look hot,” she says, eyeing my black sundress and brown cowboy boots. I giggle, noticing that we’re wearing the same thing, “Of course you’d say that.”

  She smiles, grabs her keys and motions me to the front door. We drive into the next town, where I’m told the shopping is better, and hit up a few boutique-type places.

  “How does this look?” Demi holds up a skin-tight red dress that cuts off at her knees.

  “Are you serious?”

  “As a heart attack.” She grins.

  “I think Tommy will be preoccupied with trying to get you out of that dress, rather than worry about how hot you look in it.”

  “Good, maybe it will make him want to have sex with me.”

  “Whoa! That’s too much information!”

  “Sorry,” she sighs, her expression glum.

  I walk around to where she’s standing. “Is everything ok?” I ask sincerely.

  Demi’s lip quivers and she shakes her head. “No,” she murmurs. “Something’s going on with Tommy and I don’t know what it is. He’s been so distant lately. I can’t remember the last time we…you know…”

  Actually no, I don’t know. My sexual expertise is minimal at best. Not that she needs to hear that. “Then that dress is perfect. There’s no way he won’t want to rip it right off of you.”

  Her lips tilt up into a half-grin. “You really think so?”

  I nod quickly. “Absolutely. And it’s on sale.”

  Her mood picks up in a flash and soon we’re walking out of the store with more bags than we can carry. We throw them in the car and walk to the nail salon. After getting our fingernails and toenails painted, we grab a light lunch at a little bistro. I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun and I take advantage of the reprieve. Thoughts of Grayson don’t pop into my head once and the rest of our day continues to be care-free.

  I love every minute of it.

  Chapter 11

  ~ Grayson~

  Another week flies by. Another seven days since I last saw her. Seven days since I left her sound asleep on her bed after crying in my arms.

  I wanted to talk to her so badly after she saw me and Rebecca in the cafeteria last week but Brody stopped me. I felt the need to explain myself, like I owed it to her to explain. That need in itself messed with my head because I couldn’t understand it. I was at war with myself the last time I saw her, knowing my selfish actions had a lot to do with the mess we found her in.

  Since then I’ve tried to keep myself occupied with my classes and an arduous training schedule, but at the beginning of every day and at the end of every night, she’s my first and last thought.

  It’s ridiculous.

  Crazy.

  Foolish.

  Irrational.

  Illogical.

  To be so completely consumed by someone else, someone who you’ve only known for almost three weeks and sworn to stay away from. I should’ve known physically staying away from her would be the easy part. I didn’t anticipate that she’d end up taking residence in every space and every piece of brain matter in my head. It’s driving me crazy but what I don’t know is whether it’s a good crazy or a bad crazy.

  I roll out of bed and rub my hand over my face. Thinking about all this has me mentally exhausted, just like last nights' football game left me physically exhausted. I thank God that it’s a Saturday and that I have nothing planned for today. My body is stiff and sore, evidence that I played hard last night despite my current distracted frame of mind.

  I get up to take a shower when there’s a knock at the door. “Come in!”

  The door opens and Brody’s large frame fills the space. We’re the same height and the same build, the only exception being that he has sandy blonde hair and I have dark, almost black, hair. Anyone could easily mistake us for brothers if it weren’t for the obvious differences in hair color.

  “Hey bro,” he says, “How’s the shoulder?”

  I shrug and try not to wince. I took a pretty hard hit last night and ended up with a bruised shoulder. It’s all part of the game, no big deal. “It’s good, just a little sensitive but it’ll be fine.”

  He nods and lo
oks down, something he always does when he has something to tell me that I won’t like.

  “You got plans today?” I start pulling my shirt off and check my right shoulder in the mirror. Yep, definitely bruised.

  “Uh..yeah…about that,” he hesitates.

  “Spit it out Brody.”

  “Demi is moving in with Huntley today and Huntley asked me to help out.”

  Not what I was expecting.

  So much for not thinking about her today.

  “Ok. I can mess around here for a few hours while you help them.”

  “Why don’t you come with?” he suggests, watching me carefully now.

  Is he crazy? It’s a terrible idea. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “So you’re just going to avoid her forever?”

  I sigh. This is not a conversation I’m in the mood to have, even if Brody is my best friend.

  “I’m not avoiding her.” Even I can hear the lack of conviction in my own words. I’ve always been a terrible liar.

  Brody shakes his head. “Since when have you decided to start lying to me? You’ll have to see her eventually. I’m sure the poor girl is going nuts after the stunts you pulled last week.”

  “Why? Has she said anything to you?”

  “No, but someone close to her is keeping an eye on her and giving me inside info.”

  “You make it sound like a special ops mission or something,” I chuckle. Admittedly I feel relieved to know she’s ok, even if I’m too much of a coward to find out for myself.

  “Between the two of you and your silly little games, going under cover might be our only option,” he laughs. “Look, you will have to get used to seeing her, being around her. You can’t avoid each other so why try? Just get your ass ready and meet me downstairs in thirty minutes. You’re helping me move Demi into Huntley’s apartment, it’s not negotiable.”

  “Hey Brody?” He’s about to leave but then turns to face me. “What’s the deal with you and Demi?” I ask.

  “She’s with Tommy.” His response is short and clipped. Automatic. Like he’s trained himself to say it if someone ever asks him about Demi.

  “That doesn’t answer my question.”

  His eyes look sad and for the first time in only God knows how long, I feel sorry for him. He looks nothing like the confident guy I grew up with. Instead, he looks like a lost little boy, a sentiment I understand all too well. I’ve been where he is and in many ways I feel like I still am.

  “Let’s just say that watching the girl you’ve loved from the time you were five years old love someone else is hard as hell. But I can’t even pretend to be good enough for her, so all I want is for her to be happy.”

  With that he leaves my room, leaving me speechless. Brody is not the kind of guy to express his feelings and open up but it must be hurting him if he felt the need to get all that off his chest. I know he cares about Demi but to what extent I wasn’t sure. If you saw them together you would assume they can’t stand each other by the way they fight.

  It’s not like us to get caught up with feelings and girls but we’ve blown that rule right out of the water now.

  Yeah, Brody and I are in shit.

  ** ** ** ** ** **

  An hour later we pull up to Huntley’s apartment building. We stopped by Demi’s parents’ house to load her bed and chest of drawers onto Brody’s pick-up truck. Lucky for us Demi and Huntley got her clothes yesterday, saving us from the nightmare of seeing just how many clothes Demi has.

  Women. I will never understand them and their need to shop all the time. The thought has me wondering what Huntley’s closet looks like. She always manages to look sexy and cute simultaneously, and those damn sundresses she likes wearing drive me crazy. I won’t even get started on the cowboy boots, no need to carry a king size bed up a few flights of stairs sporting a hard on.

  “Hi boys!” Demi comes bounding up to Brody’s truck with a spring in her step. She looks like a pixie on a sugar high the way she bounces with excitement.

  “Grayson, I wasn’t expecting to see you,” she says. I don’t miss the way she looks from Brody to me and the back again. The slight gleam in her eyes when her gaze rests on Brody also goes unmissed.

  “I needed the extra help Dem, so I asked Gray to come,” Brody explains.

  She smiles at him and nods before turning on her heals towards the lobby doors.

  Brody and I pull the mattress from the truck first and head towards the building. Thank the Pope there’s an elevator just big enough for one of us and the mattress. I race up the stairs and make it just as the elevator doors open. We make quick work of getting the mattress to Huntley’s apartment, pushing and heaving until it’s in what will now be Demi’s room.

  I look around but don’t see Huntley or Demi, noticing that her bedroom door is closed. Now that I’m here, in her apartment, I want to see her. I have to see her. It will confirm that she’s ok and that the last week hasn’t been as unforgiving on her as it has been on me.

  Her door clicks open and Demi walks out looking sheepish. Huntley follows but the look on her face is indecipherable. Brody follows Demi out, leaving Huntley and I alone in the hallway in a very awkward silence.

  “Hey,” she says, looking up at me. Her blue iris’ are striking today, more so than usual. The dark circles under her eyes concern me.

  “Hey,” I reply, “How are you?”

  “I’m good.” She looks away from me and I know she’s lying. But I have no right to confront her about why she’s lying to me. “What about you?”

  “Good,” I mimic her answer. Our exchange feels so unnatural that it pisses me off. Everything we need to say to each other hangs heavy in the air and continues to be unsaid.

  “I better get back downstairs, Brody will need my help bringing the rest of Demi’s things up.”

  She nods and walks past me into the kitchen, effectively ending the most uncomfortable ninety seconds of my life.

  Two hours later, Demi is settled into her room and Brody and I are thoroughly exhausted. We flop onto the couches, taking a much needed break after all that heavy lifting.

  “So Demi, why isn’t Tommy helping you?” I look at Demi, my curiosity getting the better of me.

  “We had a fight and I told him I’d find someone else to help me move,” she states matter-of-factly. “Turns out I didn’t have to do much since Huntley already asked Brody.” She looks at Brody and smiles, causing a shift in the rooms’ atmosphere.

  My phone vibrates in my pocket and I’m silently grateful for the rescue from a potentially awkward situation. I leave Brody and Demi in the living room and step outside into the hallway. My mother’s name flashes on my screen.

  “Hi Mom,” I say, trying to sound better than I feel.

  “Hi honey, how are you?” My mother’s voice comes through the phone softly and is unusually strained.

  “I’m fine Mom, what’s wrong?”

  She sighs. “Grayson, I have something I need to tell you honey and I’m not sure how to tell you.”

  I don’t like where this is going. The first thing that enters my mind is that something has happened to my father or my brother Jeff.

  “Is it Dad? Is he ok? Or did something happen to Jeff?”

  “No honey, they’re both fine. I just spoke to Jeff and he’ll be home for your birthday and Thanksgiving.”

  I breathe a sigh of relief and a renewed sense of excitement washes over me with the news that my brother will be coming home. I haven’t seen him in almost three months, since his last visit from Chicago. He works at some fancy digital advertising agency and only comes home for the important days like holidays and birthdays.

  “So then what’s wrong mom?”

  “Haley called me.”

  The sound of my ex-girlfriends name makes my blood turn cold. Two years hasn’t dispelled any of the anger and abhorrence I feel towards her or what she did to me. To us.

  My jaw ticks. “What did she want?” I bite out through
gritted teeth.

  “She called to let me know that she’ll be here for your birthday and the two year anniversary of Emilie’s’ death.”

  I suck in a strangled breath and lean back against the wall. My head is spinning and I feel like I’m going to be sick.

  “Grayson honey, are you there?”

  “Mom, I’ll call you later ok?”

  She sniffles and I realize my reaction has in all likelihood made her cry. Dammit. I don’t need guilt or my mother’s sorrow added to the clusterfuck of emotions I have running through my body. I end the call.

  “Are you ok?”

  I snap my head up and see Huntley standing in her doorway. She’s watching me carefully, analyzing me, scrutinizing me.

  “No,” I snap back. She winces at the brevity of my voice. “I need to leave.”

  “Go right ahead,” she retorts, “No one’s stopping you.”

  She’s mad? What a fucking joke. “What is your problem?”

  She laughs. “Are you kidding me right now Grayson? I just asked you if you’re ok and you bit my head off!”

  Brody steps out the door behind Huntley. “Everything ok?” he looks from me to Huntley and then back again.

  “No,” I growl, my eyes never leaving Huntley’s. “We need to leave. Now.”

  I turn and walk away, heading for the Brody’s truck downstairs. I need to hit something. Hard.

  Brody follows after me and doesn’t ask questions until we’re outside the university’s private gym.

  Then I tell him everything.

  Chapter 12

  ~ Grayson ~

  My phone vibrates next to my bed and I rub the sleep from my eyes. I check the clock and let out an audible groan when I see the time. Two am.

  Who the hell would be calling me at this hour? Everybody’s out at Nicky’s so I’m alone in the house. After I beat the shit out of everything within reach at the gym earlier, I needed some time to clear my head. I check the caller ID almost expecting Rebecca to be calling for a quick roll in the sheets, even though I ended our little arrangement a while ago.

  Demi’s name pops up and I frown. “Hello?” My voice is thick with sleep. “Oh God, Grayson!” Demi sobs into the phone. I sit up straight at the sound of her teary voice. She’s crying, panicked.