A Step to Nowhere

by Natasha A. Salnikova

  “Count your stupid sheep. There’s no use for mental masochism; only more wounds.”

  I was twisting and turning without any success of falling asleep and finally I turned on the TV again, found a channel with the world’s most boring film, lowered the sound, and lay down on the pillows. I closed my eyes, listening to the conversation about uniforms, and when I opened them—the night was over.

  CHAPTER 26

  Jason shuddered when he heard his wife’s voice. She looked at him with her eyes open wide. She’d probably asked him a question many times and it just got through to him.

  “What, Emma?”

  “Are you okay, babe? You’re not eating.”

  He looked at his plate; his sheky was barely touched.

  “Everything’s fine. I was just thinking.”

  He picked up a spoonful of food and winked at his adopted twins, before moving it to his mouth. Aiden, older than his brother by eleven minutes, was looking at him with interest. Younger by eleven minutes, Luke was daydreaming, as always. He was holding a spoon in his hand and sheky was dripping from it onto the table. Emma noticed it.

  “Luke, sweetie, look what you’re doing.” She grabbed a napkin and wiped the mess, while her son looked at her perplexedly. Then his eyes cleared and he started to eat, looking at the plate with great concentration.

  “What were you thinking about?” Jason asked.

  “About nothing,” his five-year-old son grumbled, without lifting his head.

  “Girls!” Aiden laughed and Luke showed him his tongue, covered in food.

  They finished dinner in silence, as frequently happened, and Jason helped his wife to clean the table even though she tried to drive him out of the kitchen, ordering him to watch TV.

  He stopped watching TV a long time ago. The shows had become so boring in the past three years that even the kids weren’t interested. They watched old recorded programs or read books. The TV stations made shows as insipid as watermelon rind out of fear of making a mistake. They were afraid of being arrested like everyone else. His children were small, but even they could understand that something unhappy was cooking around them. Something that adults didn’t discuss with their kids, but they would meet it themselves when they grew up. They were going to live lives of fear, just like their mom and dad. Jason hoped that by the time they had really grown, the situation in the country would have changed. Only people had to do something about it. Would he just sit and wait while others took action? Just wait and do nothing? Would he keep following orders, arresting the innocent? For a long time, he hadn’t had any doubts that many people he had arrested following Bristow’s orders had been innocent. Like this girl from Planet Two, who was introduced to them as a spy. Was she really?

  “What does she look like?” Emma said, giving him the last plate.

  “Who?” Jason wiped the plate and added it to the stack, then transferred everything to the dish holder.

  “That woman from Planet Two?” Emma leaned on the sink, watching Jason. It was good they didn’t have to pretend in front of each other, but sometimes he felt tension between them. They had been tense.

  “Are you reading my mind?” he smiled. “I was just thinking about her. It was quite a hunt.”

  “Is she … different?”

  Jason laughed at his wife’s naivety, even though he’d wondered about it himself.

  “No,” he said. “No horns, no tail. Normal, human female.”

  “There are so many irnaners, but Bristow put the city on its ears because of her.”

  Jason wanted to ask how his wife found out about it, but remembered that he told her about it himself before dinner.

  “She’s not just an irnaner. She’s also Samantha Bristow’s double. Did you know about that? They are different in spite of their similarity. I mean, they are the same people, but …”

  “How do you know?”

  “I feel it. They look the same, but you can’t mix them up.”

  “Like Aiden and Luke?”

  “Almost.”

  “She’s not a spy?”

  Jason wasn’t sure he should share his speculations with Emma. She was the only one he trusted completely, but he believed the less she knew the easier she lived. This thought though, was unreasonable; more information about the situation couldn’t make things worse. You couldn’t make the dead deader.

  “I don’t think so. It seemed as if they made it up, just like that report on the news you were talking about. I don’t know how they did it. No one was hurt in The City of Lost. This time the operation went as planned. No victims on either side.”

  “Jason.” Emma pressed her lips, walked to the table, sat down, and folded her hands on her knees. “It’s not right. Bristow destroyed our country, our planet. He doesn’t have the right to do the same to them. Everything suggests that has been his plan all along. I don’t know … no one knows the truth, but that’s what I think. If he decided to kill a person from there, what’s next?”

  “What can we do?”

  Emma moved her arms apart.

  “I just know it’s not right. This woman must be sent back. Why do they do everything secretly? Shouldn’t people on Planet Two have known that somebody from another universe had come to their home?”

  “Maybe it’s dangerous?”

  “Why? Do they want to capture us?”

  Jason shrugged.

  “That would be wonderful.” Emma smiled.

  “Only she’s a spy.”

  “Will they execute her?”

  “Samantha ordered me to bring her double to her house. She said she’d finalized it with her father. What will happen to this girl next, I don’t know.” Jason started to put clean glasses on the shelf.

  “They will execute her,” Emma said. “Jason, it’s not right! For how long will it continue? We have kids! I understand I mix up everything, but you know what I mean.”

  “I think about it all the time and we’ve talked about it.”

  “I know. … I’ve made a decision.”

  Jason didn’t like the tone of her voice.

  Emma took a deep breath.

  “I want to join Hlifian.”

  Jason was holding the last glass in his hand and it fell, breaking to pieces on the tiled floor. Neither Jason nor his wife moved to collect the mess.

  “You can’t,” Jason muttered.

  “Why?” Emma stood up and put her hands on her hips.

  “Because … Because these people are outlaws. Because I hunt them!”

  “Will you give me away?” She raised her chin. If she only knew how much she looked like that woman from Planet Two at this moment. Sam. For a second Jason had a strange feeling. As if he had known her before. Déjà vu?

  “Emma?” He approached his wife and put his hands on her shoulders. “You can’t become one of them.”

  “I will.”

  “Do you know somebody from this group?”

  “It’s not a group—it’s a movement.” She put his hands down and moved away. “I don’t know anyone personally, but they send letters.”

  “No, no! It could be something fictitious, Emma!”

  He noticed Aidan’s shaggy head and stopped.

  “Are you fighting?” he asked.

  “No, no, sweetie!” Emma said, relieved. “What are you guys doing?”

  “We’re playing cards.”

  “Can I play with you?”

  “Yeah, Mom! Let’s go!”

  “I’ll jump at the chance.” Emma winked at Jason. “In ten years they won’t talk to me.”

  When his wife left, Jason hit the table with his fist. She was always stubborn and always did what she wanted. She pushed him, too. It was her idea for him to go and work for Bristow. She regretted it later, but he did it for her. He quickly became one of the best of Bristow’s dogs. Yes, that’s how people referred to them. Bristow’s dogs.

  Jason found a scoop and started to pick up broken glass fragments. Then he went to the bathroom to brush his
teeth and change for the night. He and his wife went to bed two hours later, after she put the boys to sleep.

  “Emma,” he called when his wife turned off the nightlight on her side. “Please, don’t do it. I took an oath. I will have to leave. Do you want me to leave?”

  “No.” She turned to him and sat up. He saw her eyes sparkling in the light from the streetlamps. “You can help. You’re Bristow’s best hunter. You can bring a lot to the movement.”

  Suddenly Jason became angry. His wife was hiding something. He sat up, too.

  “You know people from Hlifian.” This time he didn’t ask.

  “I’ve told you.”

  “You’re lying.”

  “Sorry. I had to.”

  “Why?”

  “You know.”

  “I know. What do I know? You’re my wife! Do we trust each other or not?”

  “Don’t yell. You’ll wake up the kids.”

  Jason stood up, walked around the room, grabbing his hair.

  “You should have told me!” He couldn’t believe his wife had betrayed him. She did something that he wanted to do, but couldn’t decide. She had secrets! From him!

  “Sorry,” she said, but there was no regret in her voice.

  He stopped before the bed, looking at her, trying to understand.

  “You didn’t tell me because I work for Bristow? Because I’m his loyal dog?”

  “Don’t say that, Jason.” Emma sighed.

  “You wanted me to work for him. You did.”

  “Lower your voice.”

  He shook his head.

  “I just didn’t want you to make a choice.”

  “What choice? Do you think I would report you?” He couldn’t believe he asked this question. He thought he had known his wife and she had known him.

  “No. Of course not. I shouldn’t have started this conversation.”

  “Oh. So it would be better to continue doing everything behind my back.” Jason was getting fumed.

  “I was just protecting you!” his wife yelled and covered her mouth with her hand. “We’ll wake up the kids,” she whispered. “I told you now because I can’t and do not want to hide anything from you.”

  “Thank you,” Jason roared. He grabbed a pillow from the bed and went to the living room, where he fell onto the narrow couch. It was a silly act, childish, plus he wasn’t really angry with his wife. He just wanted to be alone.

  Jason couldn’t understand how he’d missed the changes in his wife. He didn’t notice them at all. And how would he notice anything at all? He’d been living deep in his thoughts, rarely swimming on the surface to show pretentious interest in his family life. He thought about betraying the president, his own oath, Bristow himself. He didn’t do it. He was scared. What now? Now he couldn’t do it. Now he should continue to serve, so he would know what was going on. Now he had to protect his crazy wife. That was his job now. It was strange, but this woman from Planet Two reminded him of his wife and he felt some responsibility for her.

  One more feeling had been tearing him apart. He took an oath. He vowed to serve his country and he didn’t want to be a traitor.

  CHAPTER 27

  I woke up to the smell of fried eggs and thought that I didn’t hear my mom coming in or Jason leaving. Did she see us in bed together? It didn’t matter, we were adults and had been dating for awhile, but … I opened my eyes and found myself not in my reddish-brown bedroom, heaped up with clothes and tomfoolery, but in one that was empty and gray. I was in a different universe. Get used to it.

  I got out of bed, went to the bathroom, and brushed my teeth before going to the living room. It was empty. I heard muffled sounds coming from another room. Also from there, came the inviting aroma of food. I went to where I assumed would be the kitchen, and saw Dan by the stove. He turned an omelet with tomatoes and onions in a big skillet. This bald giant looked strange cooking. It was easier to imagine him tearing off somebody’s head.

  Ronald and Steve were sitting at the table. Steve was facing me and waved to me as soon as I entered.

  “Good morning,” he said.

  “Morning,” I answered. No good mornings on this planet for me, thank you very much.

  “Come in and sit down,” Dan said. While I was settling at the table between Ronald and Steve, Dan cut the omelets and put them in plates in front of each of us. Then he filled four glasses with light green liquid, and only after that he joined us. What a nice mommy. Who would think?

  “I’m dying from hunger,” I muttered as I grabbed the fork. The hell with manners and rules. My stomach turned into a mean, sucking monster, demanding sacrifice. He would accept omelets with gratitude.

  “It’s great you make omelets.”

  “Do you have this dish, too?” Steve asked with his mouth full.

  “Yep,” I answered, rolling my eyes. It was the best food I’d ever eaten in my life. I didn’t enjoy it for long. The sound of the opening and closing of the entrance door reached my ears and I froze.

  “Are you expecting someone?” I asked. I didn’t even swallow the chewed food for fear of missing the sound of approaching steps.

  Dan put his fork down, looking at me, then switched his sight to the kitchen entrance and moved his hands to his knees.

  I wished I had swallowed, because when the person came in I almost choked. I coughed and drank juice or whatever they called that stuff, but everything threatened to come out.

  There at the threshold stood Ray, dressed in a shining, blue uniform; groomed, and fresh. An observer who had become my nightmare.

  I glanced at the guys sitting at the table. Only Steve, I supposed, didn’t understand what was going on.

  Everything inside me shrank. From offense, anger, misunderstanding. I put the fork on the table and stood up. I wanted to run away and hide, but where?

  “You didn’t tell her,” Ray said matter-of-factly, and frowned.

  “I decided it was better for you to tell,” Dan said. “She was in shock after everything that happened yesterday.”

  “I’m in shock now,” I said. “What is he doing here? What’s going on?”

  Ray raised his hands like he was surrendering and I wanted to smack him. Beat the crap out of him. Not only him, but this whole company. I didn’t trust him, didn’t trust anyone. I didn’t understand what they wanted from me or what was going to happen next. He took a step toward me – I stepped back. He stopped, keeping his gaze on me.

  “Sam.” He stopped as if listening to the sound of my name or to the thoughts in my head. “Sam. Try to listen to me and believe. I’m doing everything I can to stop this nightmare for you, forever. We’re doing everything.” he added, catching Steve’s glare.

  “I should trust you?” I asked and took two more steps back, pressing my back against the window. It was covered with blinds and I couldn’t see the street when I’d turned back. Maybe there was an army waiting for me.

  “First, I should tell you the address of this house. Park Street Twelve.”

  I raised my eyebrows and looked at Dan. He sighed.

  “Maybe we should have told her,” Ronald said.

  “You’re friends,” I said.

  Dan nodded, then picked up his fork, and started to eat, staring at his plate.

  “What’s going on there?” Ronald asked, switching his attention from me.

  “Raids,” Ray said. He walked to the fridge and took out a bottle of local juice, untwisted the cap, and took a couple of gulps. He acted like he was at home. “Sam?”

  I startled even though he didn’t raise his voice and I wasn’t lost in my thoughts.

  “Can I talk to you alone?”

  I had a mass of caustic remarks, evil jokes, but I didn’t want to disseminate in the presence of the guys who had saved me, risking their own lives.

  “Please.” Ray put the bottle back into the fridge and looked at me.

  “Do you want to handcuff me first?” I couldn’t help it. I had to bite. “You never know. I might s
cratch you.”

  Steve snorted and that was it. No one had shown any reaction. Men. Zero emotions.

  Ray smiled sadly and headed to the door leading from the kitchen. I followed him. Only, not immediately. First, I sat down at the table, finished my omelet, drank my juice, and said thanks to Dan who looked pleased with my behavior, and only after that I went to the living room. Oh, I also washed my hands.

  Ray had settled comfortably on the couch. He looked as if he’d had a great time and I believed that he had. He wasn’t chased, shot at, or almost executed. He took a shower, ate great food, and slept with his wife in a comfortable bed until an alarm clock woke him up, and then his car brought him here to meet me.

  “Stand up,” I demanded.

  “Why?”

  “I’m not going to talk to you until you have stood up.”

  Ray sighed, then yielded and I did something I’d never done. I wasn’t even sure I’d get to the target but my foot, in the heavy boot, flew into the air and rammed into the crotch of my lover. Even I winced when I saw his eyes and heard his moan, before he bent in half.

  “Are you okay, guys?” Ronald asked from the kitchen.

  “Never better!” I answered, watching the color changing on Ray’s face. His breathing was fitful. He slowly went back down on the couch.

  I sat in the chair opposite him, waiting for my brain to pick up and feel better, feel satisfied. It didn’t happen. My brain didn’t care if it was my Ray or not. I felt good during those few hours with him, I couldn’t deny it. I wouldn’t admit it to him, ever, but I wanted to be honest with myself. Life is unpredictable. It could finish unexpectedly and you wouldn’t always have time to let your mind reconcile with its own desires and emotions. It didn’t make sense lying to myself when death was chasing me in the wake. And did it make any sense to think about it when my lover was cringing in pain, feeling all the power of my love?