All About Hope

by Ashley Erin

  I don’t have faith in people and their ability to work through tough situations. Emma is different, there is a deep connection I feel with her that I’ve never felt before. People talk about soulmates, Emma is the friend version of that. She came into my life exactly when I needed her the most and has never left.

  “Hey, Em.” Patting the bed next to me, I roll onto my side as she sits down, legs folded underneath her. “Why aren’t you at home?”

  “You’ve been holed up in here all day. I know you snuck past us while we were eating this morning. Talk to me. What’s going on?” Her bright green eyes are knowing, making me almost blurt out that I’m screwing her best friend for sport. Almost.

  “It’s just one of those days. I didn’t feel capable of dealing with anything but the mess in my head.” She holds out her hand, waiting for me to grab it and we sit silently just like we had when we were teenagers.

  She never presses me for more than I can give, which is why she is the only person in this world that I trust. When her parents died, it felt like I lost my own family. As a kid, I thought I saw a resemblance in myself to her father. It was wishful thinking that I didn’t come from a family as fucked up as mine.

  My father started a new family while with my mother, never connecting with me. I remember as a young child he used to have time for me, it diminished around the time Emma moved in until he left shortly after.

  My mother was an enigma. I faintly recall a doting parent. Someone to play with me and cuddle with me. Something happened when I was school aged with her and Dad, she withdrew from us, gradually turning to substances. I suspect she always had a problem, but it was under control until Dad left.

  Mom staggers into the room, her pupils are so large, I can’t even see any hazel. She looks kind of possessed.

  “Ah. There you are. The light of my life, my very reason for living.” Sarcasm drips from her voice. She moves towards me, unsteady, until her hand lands on my shoulder, gripping so hard I know there will be fingerprints. “Where’s your little friend today?”

  My heart pounds. Emma and her family went camping for the weekend, they invited me but Mom said no, not that she remembers. “Camping.” I bite out.

  “Pity.” Her eyes turn cold as her grip tightens and she steers me to the basement. I could fight her, but I can’t bring myself to, so I let her push me around. I know what’s coming, so I’m prepared for the push as she shoves me down the stairs, slamming the door shut and locking it. Who knows how long I will be down her until she remembers to let me out.

  “You know, you never have to bear the burden of whatever’s bothering you alone. Never give up hope that there will be someone who makes you forget the weight on your shoulders. Someone who will help you leave it in the past.” She squeezes my hand, not letting go as she lies on her side facing me.

  “What if I don’t want to forget? They say when you forget the past you’re destined to repeat it.” I can’t help but laugh when she rolls her eyes.

  “Don’t even start.” She sits back up, getting off my bed and pulling me with her. “You haven’t eaten hardly anything at all today. Let’s go raid Lia’s fridge.”

  My stomach growls loudly in response as I follow her to the kitchen. On the island sits a Tupperware container with a post-it note on top with my name.

  “I guess Lia already thought of you.” Ignoring the tone in Emma’s voice, I pop the lid. My mouth waters at the still hot chicken alfredo.

  “Mom texted me today.” Her eyes widen at my revelation, watching me as I devour the pasta.

  “Seriously? It’s been . . . what? Nine months?” She hops onto the stool next to me, completely stunned.

  “Yeah, that sounds about right.” Scratching the back of my head, I have to admit, despite the hatred I feel towards my mother, I was worried.

  “What did it say?” Wordlessly, I pull up the text I haven’t read yet.

  “Alex. I went by your apartment and a stranger was there. Why didn’t you tell me you moved? I went to tell you I’ve been sober for a month and I want to see you.” I read out loud, emotionless.

  She knows I refuse to see her if she’s under the influence of anything, but I no longer get excited when she tells me she’s been sober for one month. She’s done that before, but without any real help she always relapses.

  Shutting my phone off, I can feel Emma’s warring emotions. She has no love for my mother, and before her parents passed away she would have been ranting and raving about how she has lost any right to see me. However, she knows that time is precious and limited, so sometimes she wavers and thinks I should reach out to at least one of my parents.

  “Are you going to reply?”

  “Probably not. I know part of you doesn’t agree with that decision, but I have the only family I need sitting right here.” Standing, I put my dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Her arms wrap around me from behind in a quick squeeze before I walk her to the front door.

  Once she’s gone, I head back upstairs, pausing outside Lia’s door. The light is on in her room, but instead of knocking, I turn and walk into my bedroom, shutting the door behind me.

  I’m ready for this day to be over. Tomorrow will go back to normal. I will go see Lia at the clinic and put this mood behind me. I spent too many years feeling unwelcome and miserable in my parents’ house, I refuse to be that way here.

  I jolt upright in bed, my heart pounding in my chest with a fear I haven’t felt in years. Hands had been grabbing mine, and it brought back terrible memories of my mother dragging me out of bed in a rage.

  My eyes search the room before they lock on Lia, sitting on my bed, back pressed against the wall. Her eyes are wide as she watches me, her chest rising and falling rapidly.

  “Shit, Lia. I’m sorry.” Running my fingers through my hair, I collapse back onto my pillow. She swallows, before crawling over to me and lying next to me, still not touching me.

  “No, I’m sorry. I wanted to try and wake you up in a fun, sexy way. I forgot Emma mentioned you don’t deal well with being surprised out of sleep.” She inches closer, watching me the entire time, before resting her chin on my chest, her eyes remorseful. “I’m sorry I ran off yesterday morning. I haven’t slept next to anyone in a long time, and I panicked a little.”

  Smirking, I hold my fingers close together. “Just a little. If I’m being honest, I might have reacted that way too if I had been the one to wake up first.”

  “I spent a lot of time thinking yesterday. I think we’re overanalyzing all of our actions. Let’s just do what feels right. We know what will work for us.” She presses her lips onto my chest, her eyes heating as she licks and kisses her way down my stomach.

  She whispers something before biting my hip bone, it sounded like I missed you, but before I have time to think about it her mouth is wrapped around my cock. I lose myself in the feeling of her licking and sucking until I can’t take it anymore.

  Yanking her up my body, I flip her onto her stomach and pin her arms above her head. Instead of fighting me like she usually does, she moans and presses her luscious ass into me. Leaning down, I press kisses along her shoulders and in the crook of her neck.

  “Do not move your hands.” Releasing my grip, I kiss my way down her spine before biting each of her ass cheeks. She moans and spreads her legs, her pussy is glistening with how wet she is.

  Part of me wonders if I should be worried at how easily she is giving me the control, but I realize that I missed seeing her yesterday and I don’t want to think about anything else. Running my hands down her back, I watch the way her body responds to me. It’s erotic to watch her skin respond to my touch, to see how aroused she gets by just my hands.

  Leaning down, I lick her pussy until her body is shaking with need. Pulling back, I hold her hips and slam into her.

  “God, yes.” Lia’s moan is guttural, her hands fisting my sheets as I move. “Faster.”

  Grinning at the command, I slow down, groaning as she clenches around me and growl
s. She lowers her chest to the bed, changing the angle and I can’t hold back anymore. I thrust into her, my eyes glued to where we join. She shivers as her body clenches around mine, her orgasm ripping through her as she cries out my name.

  I need to see her.

  Pulling out, I flip her onto her back before driving back into her. Her hips lift as she meets me thrust for thrust, our eyes locked together as I come. Dropping to my elbows, I press my forehead to hers.

  “If anyone is in the house, they definitely heard us.” Lia laughs at my comment, her warm breath teasing my collarbone.

  “Good thing I snuck in here after Ryan left for the barn.” She starts tracing soft circles on my stomach, smiling to herself as she chews on her lip.

  Running my thumb over it, I tilt her chin back up to look at me. “What’s on your mind?”

  Her eyes drop away, this is the first time I’ve ever seen Lia shy, and it makes my curiosity flare. “Ummm, I have a surprise for you after breakfast.”

  Arching my brow at her, I chuckle when she glares at it before sitting up in bed. She hops up, and starts dressing, grumbling about eyebrows and how she needs to cook breakfast.

  Breakfast was quick this morning, Dane and Jesse rushing out to repair some broken fences as soon as they were done eating. Emma and Ryan are laughing at the table, high off of the pot of coffee they’ve both inhaled.

  Alex starts clearing the table, moving to sit when the kitchen is spotless. Standing, I push Alex out the door, ignoring the two sets of eyes watching us. I’m too excited to show him the surprise to care. Besides, Ryan already knows, and I can deal with Emma.

  “In a hurry?” Alex laughs as I maneuver him through the house, tapping my foot impatiently as he puts his shoes on.

  I would be lying if I said I wasn’t anxious about this. He had mentioned wanting a colt and asked me to find the perfect one, so I picked one of for him. I can’t wait to see him and his horse bond. In a few years I can train it for him, and possibly even teach Alex how to rein.

  My heart stutters. A few years? Shit.

  I’m not supposed to be thinking in the future with Alex, but somewhere along the way, our friends with benefits arrangement has started to transform into more.

  When did that happen?

  No. Lia, you can fucking do this. I swear, don’t fuck this up because you can’t control your emotions.

  Walking up the path, I feel an overwhelming urge to grab his hand. So much for self-control. I have been fighting the shift in my feelings for him a while now. I can keep fighting them, because the other option isn’t even something I want to consider.

  “Do I get a hint about what this surprise is?” Alex’s voice sends shivers down my spine, it’s so sexy.

  “You will see shortly.” Grinning up at him, I try to ignore the way my heart speeds up. I’ve been in denial for too long, and apparently my body is refusing to let me hide any more.

  Clearing my throat as we arrive at the pen housing Alex’s colt and Hoover, I point. “You remember Ryan’s colt, Hoover. The bay horse next to him is yours. I told you I would find the perfect horse, and I was in here playing with them when he caught my eye. I’ve been spending some time with him to ensure he’s the right one, and he is.”

  Alex watches the colt for a few minutes without saying anything. A lump forms in my throat, I had expected excitement, not silence.

  I didn’t sleep at all last night. Tossing and turning as I thought about the past year getting to know Alex, especially over these last several weeks. Not seeing him yesterday made me realize how accustomed I am to being with him.

  “He’s perfect.” Alex links his fingers with mine, the smile he has just for me pushes away my doubt. “Tell me about him.”

  My eyes are still locked on our joined hands, my brain reading too much into the gesture, so it takes me a moment to respond. I have to talk myself off the “falling for my fuck buddy” ledge before I can speak.

  When I feel like my emotions are under control, I look up at Alex, praying he can’t read what’s going on in my head.

  “Well, he’s sweet and gentle. He’s easy going just like you, and I’ve done some work with the colts, he is smart and has been very eager to learn. He’s one year old, which means we can do some basic groundwork, which I’ve started.” He smiles as I talk, taking pleasure in my excitement. Horses are my passion. Ever since I was a little girl, helping Papa around the ranch, I knew I wanted to work with horses.

  “Good thing I have the best trainer, I have no doubt he will be perfect for me.”

  Alex drops my hand and climbs the fence, walking over to meet his horse. Flexing my hand, I climb the fence after him. “I never thought this would happen. I go from hardly riding to having my own horse. You are corrupting me.”

  Grinning, I follow closely behind him, watching as he cautiously reaches out the rub his colt’s neck. “What are you going to name him?”

  Alex steps in closer, looking at him carefully. I should be watching the horse, but my eyes are locked on Alex’s face and the way his eyes shine. “Leo.”

  Leo leans into him, enjoying the scratches. “That’s perfect.” Moving in close to stand next to him, I scratch Leo behind the ears. “Oh, I have something for you. Another present, I guess.”

  Running over to the gate, I unhook the halter and lead rope I bought for him. It is burgundy red and looks stunning on Leo. Handing it to Alex, the look on his face would make it seem like I gave him something more than a halter.

  “Wow. Thank you.” He looks amazed when Leo lets him put the halter on and starts following him as he walks. “I feel so spoiled.”

  “Don’t worry about it. You help us a ton around here, this is the least we can do.” Alex looks down at me, his hazel eyes warm. Before I can stop myself, I grab his neck and pull him in for a kiss.

  This kiss is different than our usual kisses, it’s slow and sensuous without the expected end result of sex. Moaning as his tongue brushes against mine, I wind my arms behind his neck enjoying the slow, exploratory pace.

  Warmth spreads through my body, I don’t think I will ever get tired of the way he kisses me. I feel sexy, and desired, and like I’m the only person he sees in the world. This kiss isn’t one meant to lead anywhere, but it’s the kind of kiss that makes you fall in love. Something I realize I’ve been doing since before we came to this agreement. I’m so screwed.

  Alex’s arms wrap around me, holding me close. It’s one of those hugs that puts you back together if you’re falling apart, all it does to me is remind me that I’ve allowed myself to fall for someone who doesn’t want me that way. Right now he’s putting me back together, but it won’t be long until he’s tearing me apart.

  Reluctantly I pull away, both of us breathing heavily. He looks at me questioningly and I know he can read the confusion on my face, so I gesture to Leo. “Let’s take him to the barn. Actually, I will grab Hoover and we will take them both. I don’t want Hoover to get upset and they’ve become buddies.”

  The walk back to the barn is uncomfortably quiet. In the short time I’ve known Alex, I’ve never felt uncomfortable around him. My brain works double time trying to figure out how to fix this. Usually being around Alex calms the whirlwind that is my train of thought, right now he’s having the opposite effect. I know it has everything to do with the realization I’ve come to, and the fact it means I need to make a decision about how far I’m going to allow this to go.

  We lead the horses into the barn, putting them in stalls for the night.

  As we pass an empty stall, I shove Alex inside, grinding my body into him, fisting my hands in his hair and kissing him roughly. He moans into me, deepening the kiss as his tongue strokes mine. The awkwardness melts away as we fall into our routine struggle to master each other. Pulling back, I grasp his erection through his jeans, and smirk at the desire in his eyes. This is what we need, to reset our relationship to what works.

  I can handle this.

  Alex looks around before
we frantically strip down, he lifts me and presses me against the wall. Wrapping my legs around him, we move together harmoniously. Using his shoulders as leverage, I lift myself up and drop down, his cock slamming into me just right.

  My back bangs into the wall of the stall, marking my skin with the force of our passion. His hands squeeze my hips, leaving indents as he murmurs to me.

  I have no idea what he’s saying, but the husky tone of his voice tells me he’s close. Reaching between us, I rub my clit until my muscles start contracting. Clenching around him, I cry out as we find our release at the same time. Fast, hard, and head spinning.

  “Wow.” Resting my forehead against his, I feel relieved that the awkwardness has passed. Kissing him lightly, I drop my legs as he lowers me to the ground. Leaning against the wall, I watch him cover up his magnificent body.

  He sees me staring, smirking as I turn quickly to do up my bra.

  “Why don’t you come have supper with Emma and me tonight? She invited me over, she thinks we need a weekly dinner since we’re not living together anymore.” His offer surprises me and I need to compose myself before turning. “Emma had mentioned you’re heading over there for girls night, you might as well eat real food before the junk you two love to fill up on.”

  “That sounds nice.” Stepping out of the stall, I smile. “And probably a good idea. The last time I woke up feeling sick from the crash of the sugar high I was on.”

  The scent of whatever Emma is cooking slams into me, my stomach gurgling in appreciation. Alex wasn’t in his room, so I assumed he came over here earlier to work with Emma. Despite setting up an office at the house, more often than not he comes to sit in his spot next to her on the couch.

  Following my nose to the kitchen, I’m shocked when I see Alex in the kitchen, cooking, and Emma seated at the breakfast bar, glass of wine in hand.