All About Hope

by Ashley Erin

  “You have him trained well.” Winking at Emma, I gratefully accept the glass of wine Alex hands me.

  Sitting in the stool next to Emma, I turn to my best friend. “Sorry I’ve been such a shitty friend.”

  “What the hell are you talking about? I see you every day.” She elbows me in the side, her expression scolding.

  “We haven’t had girl’s night in over a month. Besides, with breakfast, everyone is there, and we can’t talk about them.” Alex turns, arching his brow at us. “Ugh, why can everyone do that except me?” Scowling as they laugh at me, I try to arch my brow only causing them to laugh even harder as my face contorts in every way except the way I want it to.

  He turns back to the stove, shutting off the burner. “I made chili, I hope that’s okay.”

  “What would you do if we said no?” I can’t resist teasing him and I notice Emma watching us. I’ve already decided to tell her what’s going on after Alex leaves. I need my best friend, and she knows him better than anyone.

  Alex laughs without responding to my question, handing Emma and I bowls.

  We serve ourselves and sit at the small kitchen table. Tasting my first bite, I ignore the pain as I burn my tongue, the burst of flavors overwhelming it.

  “This is so good!” Emma voices her approval before digging in vigorously.

  Blowing gently on my spoonful, I see Alex watching me, his expression heated. Glancing at Emma, I see she is focused on her food, so I lick my lower lip and watch him as I wrap my lips around the spoon. He swallows, watching my lips.

  The sound of the front door shutting distracts him as we watch the entrance to the kitchen, waiting to see who it is.

  “Do you have room for one more? I finished earlier than I expected.” Dane steps into the kitchen, sniffing appreciatively. Grabbing a bowl, he helps himself and sits next to Emma. The love in their eyes as Dane leans over to kiss her is the stuff of movies.

  The reflection of the four of us in the window catches my eye. We look like two couples enjoying dinner. Dropping my eyes, I focus on my chili rather than the feeling of disappointment that the picture in the window isn’t my reality.

  Dinner passes quickly, with easy chatter. I avoid looking in the window again, focusing on enjoying my friend’s company. The guys excuse themselves, heading to Linger for guys night. Emma and I shoving them out the door, insisting we would do the dishes.

  Back in the kitchen, Emma fills the sink with water.

  “I’m so glad we’ve finally made time to do this. Dane is forcing me to take a few days off since I jumped from one book straight into another.”

  “You should have time off. Play with Arwen, or read a book.”

  She hands me a plate, and as I dry it I can’t hold in my thoughts any longer.

  “Em . . . I need to tell you something.”

  Emma hangs up the dishcloth, before sitting on the counter facing me. “This sounds serious.”

  “It’s just, I don’t want you to freak out or get mad.” Smiling guiltily, I blurt it out. “Alex and I have been having sex for over a month now.”

  Her jaw drops in disbelief, before excitement fills her eyes. “You’re serious? That’s so great! Why didn’t you tell us you are a couple?”

  “Well, you see, we’re not. We’re just sleeping together. It’s just lately, I dunno, I’ve been feeling more. It’s kind of snuck up on me over the past few days and I couldn’t keep this from you anymore. I’m curious . . . I know you said Alex doesn’t have serious relationships, nothing that actually has the chance of lasting. Do you think that could change?” Staring at my hands, I can feel the smile beaming towards me. “You’re going to break your face with that grin.”

  “I knew it! I so called that something was going on.” Emma hops down from the counter to stand in front of me, forcing me to look at her. “I think he will change. You’re a one of a kind person, Lia, and if I believe anyone can break through to him, it’s you. Just be patient. He’s weird about relationships, but after my parents passed away he’s gotten even more rigid about his boundaries. Sometimes it’s easy to forget everything he has gone through, he doesn’t trust easily and I think that’s a big hindrance for him.”

  “I know. He hasn’t really told me anything about his past. We’ve been hanging out more, and we have fun. I was a fool to think I could leave feelings out of this.”

  She looks at me, not letting my eyes drop. “You’re in love with him.”

  Unable to deny it, I nod, mortified when tears start to fill my eyes. “I think a part of me fell for him the first time I saw him. Angry and ready to defend your honor.” Closing my eyes, I whisper, “He’s going to break my heart when he finds out.”

  “You never know. All you need is a little hope. I’ve been watching how Alex looks at you, I don’t think he’s as immune to deeper feelings than you think he is. He might just need time to sort it out. If you can give him that, then just keep showing him how easy it is with you.”

  She hops off the counter and wraps her arms around me.

  “Just hold on to hope.” I murmur. “I can try to do that.”

  A soft knock on the door to my clinic draws my attention from the article I’m reading. I try to stay on top of new therapy techniques, going to seminars at least twice a year.

  A petite woman stands in the doorway, her dark eyes nervous as she watches me stand from my desk. Her dark hair is tied back in a ponytail, her face is clear of makeup, and as I examine her, I can see a haunted look in her eyes. My heart breaks that someone so young looks so broken.

  “Hello, I’m Lia Hyatt. I’m sorry, in the shock of Georgiana’s request, I forgot to get your name.” Reaching my hand out, she cautiously slides her hand into mine. Her handshake is firm, despite her nervousness.

  “Nella Anderson. Thank you for letting me come.” She steps into the room, standing awkwardly as I shut the door. “I don’t know if Ms. Waters told you, but I’ve never been around horses before.”

  Gesturing to one of the armchairs in the room, I sit across from her and fold my legs underneath my butt. “That’s okay. This afternoon I have two new horses coming. I thought you could help me with them from start to finish. This morning, we’ll tour the facility and we can get you acquainted with being around horses. First, if you don’t mind, I’d like to learn just a little about you, and I need you to sign a waiver.”

  “Okay.” She nods, before eyeing me cautiously. “What do you want to know?”

  I smile reassuringly. It’s obvious she’s worried that I’m going to ask why Ms. Waters sent her to me, but her journey is her own and I refuse to pry. “What are you studying?”

  “I just finished my second year. I’m working towards my Bachelor of Science. My major is Biology, and my minor is Psychology.” She mimics my pose on the chair as she relaxes slightly.

  “Wow, those two don’t normally go together.” She grins, causing me to smile in response.

  “Biology is because I love it. Psychology because the way the human mind works fascinates me.” She shrugs, playing with the frayed ends of her jeans. “I don’t have a plan for when I’m done. I haven’t found anything that calls to me yet.”

  “You have time. Sometimes you need to try a few things before you figure out what you want.” Standing from the chair, I grab her file off my desk and hand it to her. “Let’s get the boring paperwork out of the way, and then I will show you around.”

  Nella fills in the information form. Emergency contacts, allergies, contact info, before signing the release. She looks up at me. “There is nothing here about cost.”

  “I’m not charging you, or the school. The way I look at it, you will be helping me immensely with the horses and we can see where it goes.”

  She tucks the pen in the file, handing it to me.

  “Your contacts, no family?”

  She shakes her head. “No, they’re far away. I put my roommate and my best friend. They are close and more reliable.”

  I toss her fi
le back on my desk, smiling encouragingly. “Are you ready for the grand tour?”

  She eagerly pushes off the chair, making me grin.

  I lead her out through the barn, introducing her to the horses. Her eyes widen when we get to the pool. “Holy shit.”

  We walk through the pool area back into the barn and head into the small arena.

  “I do a bunch of different treatments. Primarily chiropractic and massage. However, some of the horse’s blocks are more mental. They’ve had a traumatic experience, so I do investigative work to find their triggers and try to work them through it.” We walk outside so I can introduce her to the rest of the horses in the paddocks.

  Leading her to where Ollie is grazing, I open the gate and wait as she walks past me, her face a combination of excitement and nervousness. “This is my horse, Ollie. I think we will start each day with horsemanship and riding lessons. In order for you to feel comfortable around the treatment horses, you will need to have an understanding of horse behavior.”

  We spent the rest of the morning going over basic awareness when interacting with horses. Body language, setting boundaries, how to approach a horse properly, and by the time we stopped for lunch, I’m thoroughly impressed at how quickly Nella is picking up on everything.

  Walking back into my clinic, I can’t hold back the smile when I see Alex sitting in my office chair.

  “Nella, this is Alex. Alex, Nella.” I leave the room to grab the food I packed for us from the fridge in my living quarters. Nella is curled back up on the arm chair as I hand her the salad I made. “Nella is a natural with the horses.”

  She flushes at the compliment, looking pleased with herself. As she should.

  Popping the lid on my container, I smile warmly at the girl sitting opposite me before taking a bite of the chicken Caesar salad. She ducks her head, smiling shyly as she eats.

  “I wasn’t expecting to see you this afternoon.” Setting my container down, I glance over at Alex.

  He grins, making my heart stutter. Now that I’ve admitted my feelings, my body has gone into overdrive whenever he’s around. I already reacted strongly to him, but adding emotion to it has been overwhelming.

  “I forgot that you had company today.” His meaning implied, I can’t help the disappointment at the fact he was here for a booty call and not just to see me. “Since you’re busy, I thought we could go for dinner tonight.”

  “Like, out? Or at the house?” Frowning, I scold myself for being hopeful. Despite what Emma said, hope leads to disappointment.

  “Out.” He stand from the chair, walks around the desk and sits on the arm of the chair I’m in, looking down at me.

  “Okay. I should be done here around four, and I will need time to get ready.” He leans down and presses his lips against mine in a soft kiss. When he pulls away, I know the surprise on his face is reflected on my own.

  “See you at six then.” He says goodbye to Nella, and is out the door leaving a chaos of emotions in his wake.

  Shaking it off, I take Nella’s empty container and clean up. Our client is expected at one, so I go over the new client paperwork with Nella, aware of her curious eyes on me.

  “That’s complicated.”

  She nods, her eyes flashing with awareness. I’m pretty sure she sees right through me, but she doesn’t comment.

  Alex helps me out of my coat, his fingertips brushing down my bare arms as he removes it leaving a trail of goosebumps. Draping it over my chair, he waits until I’m seated before sitting across from me. I’ve been a nervous wreck from the moment I stepped out the door and got into his truck.

  The drive here was filled with our normal conversation, and I’m proud of myself for not letting my nerves show.

  This is a date, our first. We may not have put the words to it, but the restaurant Alex chose is romantic. The low lighting, earthy tones, and soft jazzy music complete the atmosphere. Looking around, it’s all couples seated around us.

  I feel the hope I’ve been trying to control flare again. Damn Emma for telling me what I want isn’t impossible.

  “You look beautiful.” Alex reaches across the table, stroking his fingertips over the top of my hand.

  “What are we doing Alex?” The question is out before I can stop it, his fingers freezing on the top of my hand. Understanding his motives is the only way I can shield myself. I’m already going to shatter if things go south, and this just complicates things. My feelings are outside my control at this point, but Alex is the one holding our agreement together, and now he’s blurring the already faded lines.

  “What do you mean?” He pulls his hand back, picking up the menu. I can see him shut down before me, but I press on.

  “This is a date.” Leaning back, I watch him as the server fills our water glasses and take our drink order. When the man leaves, I lean forward again, folding my hands in my lap. “I’m not saying I mind, I’m just curious if you’re attempting to change the parameters of our relationship.”

  He looks at me over the menu, heat flaring in his eyes at my bluntness.

  “One of the things I like about you Lia, is that you don’t let me get away with shit, however this is nothing more than me wanting to spend time with you. Nothing is changing, but I wanted a chance to be with my friend while treating her as my lover.” He turns back to his menu, unaware of the disappointment surging through me.

  My mind rebels against his words, but I bite my tongue. He can deny it all he wants, but this is a fucking date. His words are basically the definition of what a date means.

  Maybe it’s time to show him that what we have is a relationship, there is no point in denying it any longer. The only difference between our relationship and the other couples here, is that our family and friends don’t know. Well, in theory.

  Man, he would be pissed if he knew Emma and Ryan know what’s going on. I should tell him at some point, but for right now I’m going to enjoy our first real date.

  “How did it go with Nella today?” Alex picks up his wine, studying me as he takes a sip.

  It’s obvious he is watching my reaction over our exchange. He relaxes as I start to tell him about my day, obviously I’m getting better at masking my feelings. I’ve never been one to shy away from telling people exactly how I feel, but I need to show Alex how I feel and that it can work rather than tell him.

  “I really like her. If the rest of the summer continues to go well, I am thinking about offering her a job. She doesn’t know what she wants for a career, but if this is something she enjoys and she doesn’t mind living out here, then it’s something I would consider.”

  Our server comes back to take our orders, disappearing as quickly as he did the first time. I like that they don’t hover and try to make small talk.

  “I didn’t realize you wanted help.” Alex leans forward, his eyes intent on mine.

  “I’ve thought about it, but the person would have to be just the right fit. It would be nice to have someone trained on what to do, especially since I’m out of town a lot for horse shows.” I absently play with the stem of my wine glass, watching the way Alex’s eyes follow the movement of my fingers. “Speaking of horse shows, my first one is next weekend. Jesse is coming to stay at the house to look after everything. Between us, I think he’s looking forward to a break from Ashton. Anyways, everyone is coming to cheer me on for the weekend if you want to join us. It’s only an hour away, but we like to camp out and visit.”

  “Yeah, I will come. It will be fun watching you compete.”

  I smile at him, his returning grin turning my insides to mush. Thankfully, the server comes back with our dinner, so I’m able to break eye contact before I give myself away.

  Digging into my Creole Chicken, I take a moment to gather my thoughts. Sometimes the way my brain works gives me whiplash. One moment I’m in denial, the next I’ve accepted I’ve fallen for this man. This is how it always goes for me. It takes me time to sort through the chaos in my head, but once I’ve muddled my way t
hrough I don’t bother living in the state of denial.

  I watch him eat, enjoying being out with him and not needing to pretend nothing is going on. He smiles at me, his eyes heating. As he leans forward to say something, his phone dings with a text. A glance down, and the smile is gone, replaced with a frown.

  “What’s wrong?” Alex rarely frowns. He’s the guy who walks around with a smile on his face. Incredible considering what he’s gone through.

  “My mother texted me again. She insists that she is sober and wants to see me.” He runs his fingers through his hair as he shuts his phone off without responding. “The woman spent the better part of two years drunk and high. Taking out her frustrations on me, and she wonders why the hell I don’t fucking want to see her. Give me a freakin’ break.”

  His chest heaves as he vents his frustration. It’s obvious he feels guilty for not giving her the chance, but who could blame him.

  “Alex.” His eyes fly to mine as he realizes what he just unleashed. I hold his gaze, thinking through my next words carefully. “A parent is more than the person who gave birth to you. A parent is the person who keeps you safe, who you know you can count on. She may be your mother, but you don’t owe her anything. Your parents were Emma’s. They may have come into your life when you were twelve, but they stepped up in a way your parents failed. So if you don’t want to talk to her, if you don’t want her in your life, no one can fault you that.”

  He doesn’t say anything, but we are locked in each other’s eyes until the server comes back to pick up our now empty plates.

  “Are you interested in seeing our dessert menu?”

  Alex answers before I can, his eyes still locked on mine with heated intensity. “Just the check please. We will be having dessert at home.”

  The poor man coughs, his fair skin flushing at Alex’s meaning before he turns away. To his credit, he’s back with the bill in less than a minute. Within five minutes, we’re in the car and on our way home.

  The drive home is quiet, both of us eager to be in each other’s arms. I’ve been wet ever since he told the waiter we were having dessert at home.