All About Hope

by Ashley Erin

  Emma: I have lots of your favorites. So . . . How’s it going with my big brother? ;)

  Me: Why don’t we have a girl’s night soon and I can fill you in. You cook, I will bring the wine.

  Emma: It’s a date. See you later <3

  Crossing the hall to Alex’s room, I open the door and peer inside. It’s empty, but I can hear the shower running in his bathroom.

  When Mom and Dad built this house, they made sure all the bedrooms had their own en suite. I don’t remember the old house, but Ryan does. It was a small, two bedroom house with one bathroom. After I was born, they knew they couldn’t survive three teenagers and one bathroom, so they built this house. I’m definitely grateful for that forethought now.

  Slipping out of my clothes, I step into the shower and press my chest to Alex’s back. He turns to face me, grabs my wrists, and moves us to the back of the shower. A moan escapes my lips when he lifts my arms above my head with one hand, while trailing a finger between my breasts and down my stomach with the other.

  “I knew I was in trouble as soon as you stopped fighting me.” He presses his lips against my ear, his fingers pressing between my legs. “God, baby, you’re so wet. You love it when I strip you of control.”

  Tilting my head back until it hits the shower wall, I moan out a yes as he slips two fingers inside of me. My body begging him for release.

  He lowers my hands, pressing the palms to the walls. “Don’t move them.”

  Dropping to his knees, he props one of my legs over his shoulder before swiping the tip of his tongue over my opening, circling my clit with the perfect amount of pressure. I can feel the vibration of his voice as he murmurs something against my pussy, before he presses his tongue inside me, kissing and biting me like a starved man.

  My body is humming, the pressure building with the pleasure of his lips and tongue. Fisting my hands to fight the urge to tangle them in his hair and pull him closer, the leg I’m standing on shakes as my release hits, and if it wasn’t for Alex’s hands on my waist and his shoulder holding me up, I would be in a heap on the floor.

  With gentle hands, he lowers my leg and kisses his way up my body until he’s pressing light kisses along my jaw. “I missed your taste, and the way it feels when you come on my tongue.”

  Leaning forward, I kiss him hard, but before I can do anything else he is pulling away. “But . . .”

  “We have to go to Emma and Dane’s.” He shuts the water off, his erection taunting me as he hands me a towel while laughing at my pout. “Later, baby. That’s a promise.”

  Forty-five minutes later, we’re in Emma and Dane’s living room laughing at them as they bicker over what movie to watch. Rolling my eyes, I leave them to argue while filling my plate with snacks. Emma’s deviled eggs catch my eyes. I love those things. Bee lining it around the island, I pick one up when the smell hits me.

  Dropping it, I glance over to the three of them and escape to the bathroom where I toss my cookies. What the hell?

  Bracing myself on the seat of the toilet, I wait for the roiling in my stomach to pass while trying to figure out why I’ve been feeling so off. It’s not until I’m standing in front of the mirror, making sure no one can tell I’ve just been sick when I’m slammed with the realization.

  “Fuck. Me.” Pressing my hand to my stomach, I stare at myself in horror as tears begin to fall.

  “Lia, are you all right?” Emma knocks on the door. “You’ve been in there for a while.”

  Opening the door, I grab her arm and yank her into the bathroom. Her gasp as she takes in my appearance sounds muffled over the ringing in my ears. How could this happen? I take my pill every day at the same time. Alex is going to flip his shit, we had the conversation so many months ago in the kitchen, right before he fucked me into oblivion with that gorgeous cock.

  “I–I think,” fading off, I wipe my eyes and grip the counter. Looking at Emma through the mirror, I finally whisper, “I think I’m pregnant.”

  Emma’s mouth opens and closes a few times, she looks as stunned as I do, and I can’t stop the laughter that bubbles up as I look at the both of us in the mirror. Bending over the counter, I laugh until I’m crying, and then I’m just sobbing uncontrollably.

  “Shhh. It’s going to be okay. You’ve always wanted kids.” Her hands rub my back, soothing me.

  “Em, I did. Well, I do. It’s just–Alex.” That one word stills her hand. His name is all I need to say, but we both know what I’m thinking.

  He’s just wrapped his head around the idea of dating me, of letting me in when his fear of being hurt has kept everyone at arm’s length for over a decade. His willingness to try and do real couple things, doesn’t equate to a willingness to be tied to me forever. And regardless of what happens between us, a child will tether us to each other, always.

  Emma spins me to face her, wiping my face with a damp cloth I didn’t even notice her wetting. “Lia, everything will work out. Go to the doctor, get yourself accustomed to the idea, and then tell him. Don’t wait too long though, he needs to know.”

  “I know.” Turning back to the mirror, I fix myself up as best I can, my hands shaking.

  Emma opens the door, and we join our men in the living room.

  Black shadows mar the usually creamy skin beneath Lia’s eyes. She came back from the bathroom last night pale and tense, but when I asked what was wrong she just muttered that she wasn’t feeling well.

  Then when we got home, she fought me for control again, something she hasn’t done in over a month. I feel like we’ve taken some steps backwards and I don’t know why. This morning she was out of bed before I woke up, cooking breakfast. But then she asked if I wanted to come with her to show Dom the horse she wants to give him.

  Now, I’m sitting on the fence as she rides the mare, showing him what she can do. Instead of the usual elation that’s on her face when she does anything with horses, all I see is strain and worry.

  Her usually vibrant smile, the one that lights up her face, is missing. Her voice lacks its usual enthusiasm. Everything about her is dulled, like she’s lost her sparkle. Dom has picked up on it, but she just keeps repeating that she’s tired today. I don’t think she’s lying about that, but everyone has commented that she’s not herself.

  Thinking back to breakfast, the look she and Emma shared keeps sticking out. Something is going on, and it’s making me a paranoid wreck. Surprisingly, I’m not worried about Lia and me, I’m just worried about Lia. I’ve never seen her like this, and it would be like her to keep something from me to protect me.

  I don’t need her to protect me, I need to do that for her. It’s my job to make her smile, and right now that’s not happening.

  “I can’t believe you won’t let me pay for her.” Dom’s voice cuts into my musing. He seems excited about the new horse, and the plans that Lia and Dane have for her, but Lia just looks exhausted and like her head is everywhere else.

  “Dom, she was surrendered to me in lieu of payment. You’re going to give her the perfect home, that’s all I want.” Lia dismounts and gives him a quick hug. They walk towards me, and for the first time all day, Lia’s eyes match her smile.

  His smile is all teeth as he rubs the mare’s neck. “I was hoping I could board her here. I bought a small bit of acreage not too far from here, and I thought maybe you could coach me.”

  “You’re moving close? You want me to coach you? What about your job?” Lia’s mind is working a mile a minute, her words stumbling out so quickly, it’s hard to follow.

  “One at a time. I had a lot of savings from working out of town so much. I’ve always loved this area, and I found the perfect lot. Why wouldn’t I want you to coach me? You’re incredible. Lastly, I got laid off. I’m okay with it, I didn’t love what I did. It’s time to figure it out. The only good thing about my job was that it paid me a lot and made it so I can take some time to figure my shit out.”

  “Call Dane, he deals with boarding and what not. I don’t think it sh
ould be an issue. He also might know of some work you can do.” Lia links her fingers with mine, her hand gripping me tightly. When I look over at her, I notice she has paled.

  “Thanks, Lia. I will call him. And the coaching?” Dom releases the mare from her halter before turning back to us. His eye flick to me, and I can see he is concerned.

  “Yeah. I can do that. I’ve avoided taking on clients to coach lately, but I will do it for you.” She smiles, her posture relaxing again as though whatever was happening passed. Watching her carefully, my gut is going wild telling me something is up.

  “You rock. Thanks, Lia! Well, I better head home. I have to start packing.” Dom waves at us as he heads to his truck, a broad smile on his face.

  “It looks like they’re going to be a good fit.” Lia steps into me, dropping my hand and wrapping her arms around my waist. Looking down at where her head rests on my chest, I watch as her eyes close as she breathes me in.

  When her arms tighten, my heart starts to pound. She finally opens her eyes and gazes up at me. “I have a doctor’s appointment this afternoon. I wanted to talk to him about why I’ve been feeling so off lately. Maybe we can go for a picnic tonight. Ride the horses to one of my favorite spots, and enjoy a quiet night. What do you think?”

  Kissing her forehead, I push aside the worry. She’s not feeling well, that’s all this is. She’s not pulling away from me for any reason other than that. “Sounds perfect. Why don’t I get everything ready while you’re at the doctor’s office?”

  Barging into Emma’s kitchen, I startle her and Dane. “Something is going on with Lia, and I know you know what it is, Emma, so I’m going to need you to tell me.”

  Dane narrows his eyes and crosses his arms. I can tell he doesn’t like my tone of voice, but he can piss off. Ignoring him, I stare down my sister, who is looking everywhere but at me.

  “Look at me. Emma, she’s acting distant and I need to know why.” Dropping into a chair, I run my hands down my face. “I don’t want to lose her. I finally have my own shit figured out, and now she’s pulling away from me.”

  Emma’s eyes snap to mine. Finally. What I see there confuses me. She looks worried, but happy. She’s also shaking her head. “Alex, I love you. And I love Lia. She’s not pulling away from you, she’s just got a lot on her mind.”

  “Why can’t she share it with me? I know I’m no expert, but isn’t that what you do in a relationship?”

  Dane is looking between us, confused. Obviously Emma hasn’t told him what’s going on. I don’t know if that should worry me more or less.

  “Lia loves you. She will tell you when she’s ready.” Emma’s tone leaves no room for argument. Instead, she moves around the island and lifts a couple saddle bags. “Now, Lia told me you are going for a picnic. These will attach to Chandler’s saddle.”

  Getting up, I take them from her, bending to kiss her cheek. We don’t say a word as I walk out of the room, but before I leave the house, I can hear Dane asking what’s going on. Resisting the urge to eavesdrop, I head to Lia’s kitchen to prepare a romantic picnic, trying to ignore the frustration at not having any answers.

  “It looks like you’re about six weeks along. I trust you’ve stopped taking your birth control pill?” Dr. Meyer looks up from the clipboard in his hands, his face expectant.

  “I just realized last night that’s probably why I’ve been feeling so off. I have been taking it until this morning.” I’m white-knuckling the arms of the chairs. Six weeks? Okay, lots of time to adjust to the idea that I’m having a baby. With Alex. Whom I love, but who will probably freak the shit out as soon as I tell him. Actually, there is no probably about it. He will freak out. And, knowing him, he’s going to need some time away from everything to adjust. That just stresses me out more.

  “Perfect. I want you to start taking a pre-natal vitamin. Here is a list of some I would recommend.” He hands me a post-it note. My first thought is that it seems weird a doctor would write that on a post-it and not something more official, but I guess since I don’t need a prescription it makes sense that he wouldn’t waste his time typing it out. “And here,” he hands me a small photo, “is the sonogram.”

  I’m glued to the black and white photo. The small bean that will grow into a little person. “Thank you.” The words are hoarse, and I don’t look away from the picture of my baby.

  “The receptionist has set up your next appointment. You can continue with your normal daily activities. It sounds like your symptoms are manageable, but if the nausea becomes too much call in and we can explore some medication to help.” With that, he leaves me in the room, staring at a photo that changes my life.

  I have to tell Alex. I have to tell my brothers. I don’t know which scenario I’m more scared for. On the one hand, Alex is likely to shut down. But my brothers are likely to hold a shotgun to Alex’s head and force him to marry me.

  Okay, both are equally scary for different reasons.

  Emma: Alex came in here asking what’s wrong. I didn’t say anything. Now Dane is hounding me. I had to distract him with a blow job.

  Me: Ew, I didn’t need to know that. Thank you for having my back.

  Emma: How did it go?

  Me: I’m six weeks along. Healthy. Now I just need to tell Alex.

  Emma: . . . yeah. If you need me, I’m around.

  Sticking my phone in my pocket, I try not to let the tone of Emma’s text scare me from doing this tonight. It’s like ripping a Band-Aid off, the quicker the better.

  By the time I’ve parked my car, my stomach is a flurry of butterflies. Not normal butterflies though, butterflies that have armored up and gone to battle. It feels great when my stomach has already been iffy today.

  The door opens, and Alex bends down pressing me into the seat as his lips mold to mine. I can feel the tension in his body, the worry he is carrying that I’m going to be another person to hurt him. I hate that he feels that way, and I’m not sure he’s wrong.

  I don’t doubt that once he grows accustomed to the idea that he will eventually warm up to it, what I worry about is the tie this creates. What if he realizes he doesn’t want anything more but feels obligated to be with me?

  I couldn’t stand that. And he would too. He would make things work because he is loyal like that.

  When he pulls away, I see the love and worry shining in his eyes. It’s like a balm to my soul. No, this is just hormones. My mind is freaking out because I’ve had information overload in the past twenty-four hours.

  Alex takes my hand, helping me out of the car. I snatch my open purse from him, zipping it shut with an apologetic smile. My pre-natal vitamins are in there, and I don’t want him to see them. The sonogram is in my back pocket, ready to pull out whenever I work up the nerve.

  “The horses are ready.” He bypasses the awkward moment, taking my hand and leading me to the hitching post outside the barn.

  We untie the horses, step up into our saddles, and start off into a trot.

  The trail is beautiful in the low light of evening. Spots of light shine through the vibrant leaves on the trees. The spot I’m thinking of stopping at has a beautiful view of the mountains. It also allows us to ride side by side.

  “How did your doctor’s appointment go?” Alex breaks the silence, looking over at me. His hands are relaxed, holding the reins low on Chandler’s neck.

  Staring straight ahead, I chew on my lip. “He said that I’m healthy.”

  I’m not ready to tell him, although the ability to ride away quickly is appealing. I finally glance over at him so he can see I’m not lying.

  He changes the subject, telling me about how he spent some time with Leo while I was at my appointment. Hearing him talk about his colt relaxes me, and by the time we reach our destination, the butterflies in my stomach have settled.

  We tie our horses, before settling onto the blanket Alex packed with him. He brought croissants with turkey, onions, lettuce, and a light aioli sauce. There are also containers with necta
rines, peaches, strawberries, cherries, and raspberries.

  “This is amazing. Thank you.”

  We eat, chatting about some of the things we can add to Leo’s training. It’s easy being with Alex like this, and I find myself relaxing.

  He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear, leaning in to brush a soft kiss on my lips. “You’re amazing.”

  I take a bite from a strawberry, moaning when he leans in to kiss the juice from my lips. His hands wrap into my hair as he lays me down on the blanket, covering me with his body.

  We slowly take our clothes off, taking our time to enjoy ourselves. I love how gentle he’s being with me, but he knows what I crave. He pins my arms above my head, restraining me, as he quickens his pace, thrusting in and out of my pussy. Wrapping my legs around his waist, I feel the orgasm building.

  “I fucking love how you feel. You love it when I hold you, restrain you.” Alex groans, kissing my neck before devouring my lips.

  My pussy clenches his cock, my release ripping through me with a cry. “God, yes. Alex.”

  His own orgasm follows, the warmth of his release filling me. Our connection has been strong from the moment we laid eyes on each other. I felt it grow deeper the moment my heart opened itself to him, and now that we’re having a baby, the connection will be forever forged in a way I never knew was possible.

  We’re lying facing each other on the blanket, Alex’s fingers playing with mine. I look into his eyes, memorizing this moment. A moment when he is looking at me in happiness and affection, a moment to hang onto because I know it’s going to be gone as soon as I open my mouth.

  “You look far too stuck in your head, considering the orgasm you just had.” Alex teases me, his eyes sparkling.

  Sighing, I drop my eyes to where our hands are joined, squeezing his tighter as though I can hold him here with me by that strength alone. “When I went to the doctor, he told me I was healthy, but he also told me something else.”

  Alex’s brows come together.

  Before he can speak, I forge on. “Alex, I–” taking a deep breath, “I’m pregnant.”