All About Hope

by Ashley Erin

  His face pales, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallows. “I . . . How? You’re on the pill.”

  I watch him, fighting tears as his eyes shutter. I expected this, but it doesn’t hurt any less. My voice comes out as a whisper. “I’m the exception to the rule.”

  He sits up, pulling his shirt over his head as he scrambles to get dressed. I follow, until we’re both standing, facing each other.

  I wait for him to turn away from me, but he pulls me into his arms, kissing the crown of my head. “I need some time to process this.”

  “I know.”

  The ride home is silent, and as soon as we’ve put the horses out to pasture he’s gone.

  I’m just driving. I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know when I will stop. I need to stop. Instead, I head to the mountains. I find a campground, and I book a night.

  Pregnant.

  Rushing to the bushes, I throw up. My hands brace on my knees as I lose everything in my stomach, until I’m dry heaving.

  I probably look deranged.

  Pregnant. I’m the exception to the rule.

  Holy shit. A baby. Someone to look after. Someone entirely dependent on me.

  Grabbing a water bottle from my truck, I rinse my mouth out.

  Dropping the tailgate to my truck, I grab the blanket I always keep in my backseat, lay it out, and settle in for a long night.

  I doubt I will sleep. My mind is racing, barely holding off a panic attack as I think about what a baby is going to change. Lia is more than capable of handling this. That woman is incredible, and there is no doubt in my mind she will excel at parenthood.

  I, on the other hand, have never even thought about children.

  Until Lia, I didn’t really think about anyone other than myself. Aside from Emma, but she’s an exception. Like Lia.

  She’s been my exception, and now she defied another odd and got pregnant while on the pill.

  Shit. Emma knows.

  My mind whirls, a chaotic storm as I try to filter through the panic.

  A fucking baby.

  Lifting my knees, I lower my head and focus on breathing.

  I need to calm down before I go home. Lia needs me to have my shit together.

  Lia.

  The look on her face when she told me. She was worried about how I would take it, but she knew I would need to get away. How long will she tolerate me getting my shit together though? I can’t go back yet.

  I can’t believe I ran.

  No, not run. I just need to clear my head. She understands. It’s not like I didn’t tell her I needed time. She knows me. She accepts me. She loves me.

  My heart starts to slow. Thinking about Lia is helping me slow my brain. I just need to work through this. Then I need to go home and show her I can be there for her.

  Once I wrap my head around the fact I’m going to be a father.

  Holy fucking hell.

  I’m in a foul mood when I wake up the next morning. I know I’m being irrational, and I knew Alex would likely leave so he could process alone, but the fact that he hasn’t even contacted me to tell me he’s safe pisses me off.

  Storming into the kitchen, I startle Ryan and Emma who are already cooking.

  “I thought you might like the morning off.” Emma’s voice is soft.

  It’s clear I’m barely holding myself together. It’s also apparent that Alex didn’t come home, since his truck is still gone.

  I knew this would happen. So why am I so mad?

  Oh right, pregnancy hormones.

  “Thanks,” I mumble. Emma stops me from grabbing a coffee, earning a glare. “Let me have a cup of coffee.”

  “No.”

  Ryan looks between us as he removes a waffle from the iron and pours in new batter. He’s wisely not saying anything.

  Emma moves to pour me a glass of juice, handing it to me silently.

  “Did you hear from him?”

  She shakes her head.

  “So it’s not just me then?”

  Dane and Jesse file in as Ryan settles the plate of waffles onto the table. My mood is picked up on instantly.

  “What’s wrong with you this morning?” Dane elbows me gently as he moves past.

  To my horror, I burst into tears. My anger fading into fear and sadness.

  I need to get myself under control.

  “Holy shit.” Jesse stares at me wide-eyed. “Dude, what did you do?”

  “I, err, I was just kidding.” Dane tucks me into his side, his voice baffled.

  “Okay. Everyone sit the fuck down. Lia, what’s going on?” Ryan takes charge of the situation, his big brother voice leaving no room for argument. Part of me wants to pick a fight, just for the sake of arguing, but the rational side manages to win. Nodding, I sigh.

  My brothers sit me between them, angling their chairs towards me.

  Looking to Emma, she just waits. I know she’s letting me decide what to do, and her silence is her way of supporting whatever decision I make, but I want her to push me.

  “I went to the doctor yesterday. To see why I’ve been so tired and nauseous.” Dane and Ryan both squeeze my hands tighter, worry lining their foreheads. “I’m pregnant.”

  Silence.

  It’s amazing how loud the quiet can seem when all you want is someone to say something.

  “Okay,” Ryan breathes out. I can tell he’s trying to think of the words he needs without upsetting me. “I’m guessing Alex knows.”

  “He knows.”

  “Where the fuck is he?” Dane’s voice is tight, his eyes flashing.

  “He’s processing. Which I knew he would need to do. We just decided to become official, and now this bomb is dropped. I’m still wrapping my head around it, and I expect that he’s doing the same.” Wrenching my hands from my brothers, I flex them for a moment before resting them on my stomach.

  “He should be doing that here, with you.”

  Shaking my head, I defend him even though I wish that’s what was happening. I woke up this morning not okay with him leaving. Is this what’s going to happen every time something big comes up? Or will there ever come a time when he can talk to me about it?

  I want him to talk to me. It’s okay if he’s not okay with this yet.

  I can be okay for the both of us. How can I support him if he isn’t here? How can I show him that we can handle this?

  Jesse says something, and they move away to talk quietly amongst themselves. I don’t hear the rest of the conversation.

  I eat quickly, and excuse myself to go to the clinic and work.

  Alex didn’t come home again last night. He didn’t text or call either. I’ve moved from the understanding I found yesterday, back into the zone of pissed off.

  “Whoa. I know that look.” Lydia walks into the clinic. Patty gets to go home today, and I forgot she moved her appointment from eleven to ten.

  She closes the door behind her, and when I look up I see a shadow of the friend she once was. Not that I trust her anymore, but she once knew me better than anyone.

  “It’s been a rough few days.” Standing, I slip my boots on and leave the clinic. Patty is ready to go in a paddock, so I lead Lydia around the building to where she is grazing. “She responded well to the therapy. Ease her into riding. Start with some groundwork, move to short spurts, and build up her stamina again.”

  “Lia, I know I’m probably the last person you want to talk to, but I’m here if you need someone. Is it Alex?” Her voice is soft, compassionate, and all it does is add fuel to the fire burning inside of me.

  “We’re fucking fine.” She steps back, her face paling. “Shit. That was unprofessional. I’m sorry, Lydia. It’s the pregnancy hormones.”

  She gasps. “You’re pregnant?”

  “Yeah, I found out this week. Still adjusting to the news; it was a surprise. Anyways, I don’t want to talk about it. I’m just tired.”

  We load Patty into the trailer. Lydia looks at me, her mouth opening and shutting a few tim
es, before she thanks me and pulls away.

  I don’t even feel a pang when I think about what we used to have. It’s amazing how I’ve let go of something I used as an excuse to isolate myself for so long. It’s also fascinating to look back and recognize that while Lydia and I were friends, it’s nothing compared to the friendship I have with Emma.

  What Graham and I had is nothing compared to what Alex and I have found together.

  Everything happens for a reason, and I need to hold onto hope that this is just opening the door for something great.

  “Right, Little Bean? Everything is going to be great.” Resting my hands on my stomach, I find peace with this new adventure.

  I’m still pissed off at Alex, but I know he needs to find his peace too. And if he doesn’t come around, I will hunt him down and force him to work through it with me.

  Alex didn’t come home again last night.

  I broke down in Emma’s arms, crying about how I’m going to lose him. She listened to me weep, and go on about why he won’t love me anymore. Finally, she told me I was being ridiculous.

  I woke up this morning feeling better. I slept well, I didn’t throw up, and I don’t have any clients today.

  Leading Ollie into the arena, I swing onto his back and start warming him up. The summer reining show is in a couple weeks, and I’ve upped my practice time.

  In four short months my life has changed drastically. April brought about a change that I never expected to lead here. I guess it was time.

  Once we’ve warmed up, I start working him.

  We lope circles, practicing lead changes until they’re perfect.

  This is what I need. I love the way everything falls away when I’m with Ollie. The way my hair flows behind me, it’s like every worry falls away from the tips of my hair.

  All that’s left is me, Ollie, and the rush of speed and a clear mind.

  We move from lead changes to spins. Yesterday I felt too nauseous to ride, so Ryan rode Ollie for me. I stop him, relieved my stomach is cooperating with me today.

  Ollie needs very little correction before his spins are perfect. Timing, feet movement, head position, everything is lined up the way it’s supposed to be.

  Trotting him to one end of the arena, I face the opposite wall and click him into a lope. We pick up speed until I kick my heels out, asking him to stop. His hind legs dig into the sand as his front legs move. The slide is perfect.

  Turning him, we go again. And again. And again.

  “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

  Lia wasn’t in the house or at her clinic when I got home.

  Now, I’m staring at her practicing sliding stops like she isn’t carrying our child.

  Crap, I can’t leave her alone ever again.

  She stops as I yell at her, trotting towards me.

  “What?” Her voice is calm, making my eyebrows shoot up into my hairline.

  Grabbing her waist, I haul her down. “That’s too dangerous for you and the baby. What do you think you’re doing?”

  “Practicing for the show. That’s what professionals do.” She speaks to me slowly, like I’m an idiot.

  “You’re not doing the show. Not in your condition.” I wave my hands in front of her stomach.

  “My condition? Alex, I’m pregnant. I’m not a bomb waiting to go off.”

  “It’s too dangerous. I don’t want you riding like that.”

  Her eyes flash. I woke up this morning and realized that despite how terrified I am, the fact that I’m having a baby with Lia fills me with joy.

  It took me a few nights to get there. Walking the fine line between joy and panic, but that’s probably natural. If you go by the movies, anyways.

  “You listen to me right now. The doctor said I can do everything I was doing before. I will ride in the show. I will practice like I always do. And there is nothing you can say that will stop me.” She gets in my personal space, her head tilting back to stare at me. “Now, are you back for good? Or are you going to disappear without a word to anyone again?”

  She’s pissed.

  Before I can say anything, she’s turned back to Ollie and is lifting her foot into the stirrup. Wrapping my arms around her waist, I pull her back down. She is cursing at me, but I lift her into my arms and carry her out of the arena. Ollie follows behind us, into the barn.

  Dane is inside, cleaning stalls.

  “Dane, can you please take care of Ollie while I talk to your sister? Thanks.” Without waiting for a reply, I continue out of the barn.

  “You’re behaving like a caveman.” She wraps her arms around my neck and rests her cheek on my shoulder whispering, “I was worried.”

  Kissing the crown of her head, I carry her upstairs, into my room, and lay her on the bed. Crawling next to her, I pull her into my chest. “I’m sorry. I woke up this morning and realized I can’t run away to process things like that. I need to talk it through with you.”

  She looks up at me, her eyes still upset. “I understand needing to take a walk, but disappearing for a few nights without a word isn’t okay. I need to know you’re not going to do this for every major thing that happens.”

  “I know. I’m sorry, baby.” Kissing her gently, I pull back. “So, a baby. How are you feeling?”

  “I’m okay. My symptoms come and go, but they’ve been manageable. I’m not dropping the shows.”

  “Yes, you are.”

  “No, I’m not. I already talked to my doctor about it the day I found out. He said I can ride. So I’m going to ride.” She stares me down, unwavering in her resolve.

  “We will see.”

  I’m determined for her not to put herself and the baby at risk. If I can, I’m going to convince her to ride for fun, but nothing more. I’m not an idiot, I know I can’t keep her off horseback her entire pregnancy, but maybe I can keep her from doing anything that is high risk.

  Lia rolls her eyes, reaching into her back pocket. She hands me a small photo, it’s crinkled. Flipping it over, I see it’s a sonogram. “There’s our baby.”

  My gaze flicks between the sonogram and Lia. Her eyes are shining, and I know that she’s excited about the baby. She got there on her own when I should have been there to support her.

  “I promise, I will be here every step of the way. I won’t disappear again. I shouldn’t have done that. I didn’t know I wasn’t coming home until I pulled into the park. I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you.” Clutching the sonogram to my chest in one hand, I gently push Lia onto her back and rest the other on her stomach.

  She watches my hand, all worry fading from her face as she finally smiles at me.

  In that moment there is nothing more that I want than the whole package with her.

  “Lia, will you marry me?” The words are out before I’ve consciously made the decision, but they feel right.

  She jolts up, staring down at me in shock. “What? You’re kidding, right?”

  “No. I think we should get married before baby comes.” I sit up too, running my hand through my hair, before taking her hand in mine.

  She’s staring at me, a mixture of emotions flashing across her face. I wait patiently for her to sort through her thoughts and answer.

  “Alex, I–I can’t. I’m sorry. You’re only asking me because of the baby. We haven’t even said ‘I love you’ to each other yet. We’re not there yet.” She pulls her hand away, taking the sonogram from the clutches of my hand and smoothing it out. “Let’s just be us. It’s enough for me.”

  Resting my hand against her cheek, I nod before kissing her. Her eyes close, her lips parting as I deepen the kiss. She pulls me back down onto the bed, her hands running over my body. I know she thinks I’ve accepted her answer.

  I haven’t.

  We told my parents last night. It went better than I thought it would. Once they got over the shock, they both were excited their first grandbaby is on its way.

  Alex wraps his arms around me as I cook lunch. “Hey, baby.”


  He’s been attentive and loving. I know he’s trying to make up for disappearing by proving he is excited for baby and that he doesn’t plan on going anywhere again. I forgave him as soon as I saw him, I just needed him to know it can’t happen again.

  We’ve argued everyday over the horse show, he still thinks he can win that one, but every day I find time to practice. And every day he stands there and glowers at me.

  “How was Leo this morning?” Turning in his arms, I kiss him before he can answer.

  “Wonderful. He’s learning everything so quickly. Dane is really impressed, I think he’s disappointed we gelded him. Says he would have made a good stud.” Alex lifts me onto the counter, kissing my belly before taking over the cooking.

  “We don’t need any more studs around here.”

  Alex nods. He’s been spending more time around the ranch, learning about the different areas. Specifically the training and breeding programs that Dane runs. He’s still running his graphic design business, but he wants to be more involved on the ranch too, especially since my ability to help will be limited once my belly gets too big.

  It’s been a week since he came home, and once my brothers had a chat with Alex, they’ve embraced the pregnancy. They’ve all gone into protective mode, driving me crazy with their need to do everything.

  No one will let me tack Ollie. I don’t even have a bump yet, but they’re treating me as though I’m going to pop any day now. It would be kind of cute if it wasn’t so annoying.

  “Ryan called, said he would be home for lunch. That was about twenty minutes ago. If you’re hungry, I’m sure he won’t mind if you start eating.” Alex shuts off the stove, dishing up the stew I have been cooking all day.

  The front door slams shut. Looking at Alex, I raise my brows as I hear Ryan cursing. A bunch of thuds and banging sounds through the house, until he pushes his way into the kitchen, his left arm cast in plaster and tucked in a sling.

  “What the fuck happened?” Jumping off the counter, I ignore the glare Alex shoots me as he carries three bowls to the table.