A BROKEN GIRL’S JOURNEY 2 (A BROKEN GIRL'S JOURNEY)

by Niki Jilvontae

  Ray-Ray looked at Lakea with sympathy, love, and a familiar heavy heart. He had lost a love too. Even though his girlfriend had set him up to be jumped, she was still the mother of his child, and now she was dead; killed by his own little brother, so he knew the pain that his little sister was now feeling oh too well.

  “These keys are to your new truck and your house. Jeremy did it all himself. He wanted to make sure you had a chance at a normal life,”

  Lakea couldn't believe how much Jeremy had actually loved her. He thought of her in his last moments of life. His last words had been “I love you,”

  Lakea could still hear those words and see the look in Jeremy's eyes. She rubbed her stomach and felt Jeremy's love. It was as if he had his strong hands on her stomach and he was kissing their baby. He said that he would never leave her, and Lakea believed him. She could feel Jeremy still with her.

  “When you get out of here I will take you to your truck and your house. He got you a Ford Freestyle and your house is in a very nice neighborhood in Cordova,”

  Lakea took the keys and held them close to her heart.

  “What was in the other box?” Lakea asked with a raspy voice.

  Her throat hurt from all of the crying she had been doing, it made it hard for her to talk.

  “Oh, this box was found on the ground next to his bod...” Ray-Ray said in a sad voice, cutting off the word as he opened the box revealing a Mosaica 2ct. TW diamond engagement ring in 14K gold.

  Ray-Ray slipped the ring on to his sister's ring finger as she began to cry hysterically again. It would be years before she took that ring off.

  “He was going to marry me”, Lakea said sobbing.

  “That's why he stopped at the door. He was going to propose to me, but...” Lakea said as her body began to shake.

  “But they came and took him from me forever!” Lakea cried as her brother held her and cried with her.

  Just then Ray-Ray closed his eyes while holding his sister and began to sing the lyrics to the song she wrote and sang to him when he was in the hospital. Her song had helped him to hold on and fight through one of the most difficult times in his life, so now he was going to use her words to help her get through this tragedy. Ray-Ray sang the lyrics of Lakea's song with so much love and passion it made her stop crying and look up at his face.

  “Love hard, be inspired, and Smile often...always reaching higher. You gotta hold on...because love is worth it!” Ray-Ray sang looking into his sister's eyes as he held her.

  Lakea let her heavy eyelids close and drifted off, dreaming about the baby growing inside of her and her one true love.

  Chapter 3

  Lakea had to stay in the hospital the next few weeks until her doctor was confident she would be able to carry her baby without difficulty. All of her physical wounds had healed quickly, but her emotional scars were deep. Lakea would go from happy to sad in seconds. She could not control her emotions. She was trying so hard to be strong that it was tearing her apart. However, her family was right there to support her.

  Everyone was so worried about her. Ray-Ray and Quan were right there every second helping her, they even helped her to the bathroom even though it was less than six feet away. What they didn't know and what Lakea didn't even know herself was that she was much stronger than she ever knew, and with good reason. Now she had a real purpose in life; a real reason to not just exist and inflict pain on others, but to be someone. Lakea's purpose in life now was to be a mother and she was going to be the best mother that she could be.

  Felicia came by a lot while Lakea was in the hospital recovering. She and her mother were slowly getting their relationship to a good place. On the day before Lakea was to be released from the hospital Felicia and a tall, dark hair white woman with glasses entered her room. Lakea looked up confused. She wondered what was going on and why Felicia had brought the woman there to see her.

  “She better not be trying to take my baby”, Lakea thought as they approached her bed.

  “Hey baby”, Felicia said kissing Lakea on the head.

  Lakea managed a weak smile, but she kept her eyes on the woman.

  “Hi Lakea, my name is Dr. Andrea Roth and I am a licensed psychiatrist. I was wondering would you like to talk to me?”

  Lakea rolled her eyes.

  “I may be able to help you with some of those thoughts and feelings you are having about being pregnant. You're three months now right?” Dr. Roth asked sitting down in the chair next to Lakea's bed.

  Lakea shook her head yes and stared out of the window. She didn't want to talk to Dr. Roth. She didn't want to tell anyone about how much she was hurting and how badly she didn't want to live without Jeremy had it not been for her baby. However, Lakea did want to give healing a chance. She had promised so many people that she would try to get better and not resist help, so that is what she was going to do despite how much she just wanted to curl up in a ball and die. Lakea knew that she had to get herself together for her baby's sake. She turned to face the doctor with the most pained and hurt look on her face.

  “Can you help me to deal with Jeremy's death?” Lakea asked with a tear rolling down her cheek.

  “Yes, I can”, Dr. Roth said smiling warmly at Lakea.

  “Can you help me to build a better relationship with my mama, and her with my brothers too?” Lakea said weeping as Felicia grabbed her and wiped away her tears.

  “Yes, I definitely can help with that too. You are going to be just fine Lakea, I promise you that. You are a very strong young woman and you will get through this all. You just have to trust me and let the therapy work”, Dr. Roth said rubbing Lakea's hand.

  Lakea hoped that she was right and she hoped that she didn't have to be completely broken again in order for her to finally become complete. Lakea wasn't sure if her broken heart could take anymore tragedy, and she didn't want to find out.

  Dr. Roth spoke with Lakea and Felicia for a while longer, going over the therapy plan. Lakea would begin individual therapy once a week and group therapy three times a week. Then after a month or so they would start family counseling with her and Felicia, and then later add the boys in. As she sat there listening to Dr. Roth talk, Lakea thought back to when they all had to see a psychiatrist after their father died. That therapy wasn't very effective because none of them really wanted to be there, and Felicia did not see the importance. Instead they just let all of their emotions, all of the pain, hurt and loss fester and turn into destructive attitudes and behaviors.

  “Maybe it will work this time?” Lakea said out loud.

  “It will baby, I promise!” Felicia said hugging Lakea before she left the room to walk Dr. Roth out.

  “See you in a couple of days for our first session Lakea”,

  Dr. Roth said leaving the room.

  Lakea lay there and drifted off into a dream of her future, a future where she was happy again and everything was ok. In this dream she had a family, a lot of kids, and a tall handsome husband with deep mysterious eyes. In this dream Lakea was happy and loved. She hoped that the dream would come true, but she knew that with her luck and how struggles loved to find her, she was sure that reaching happiness would not be easy. However, she was willing to work to get it.

  Once Lakea left the hospital Ray-Ray fulfilled his promise and took her to her truck and house. Lakea was happy and amazed by the beautiful cream and brick house she now had. She was also happy to find that Jeremy had decorated the inside of the three- bedroom home just as he thought she would want it. Her living room was all black with framed pictures of Angela Davis, Foxy Brown, Billy Holiday, and Etta James covering the walls. There was nice black, leather furniture, a huge fish tank, and a fireplace. Her den was nice too and very cozy. A round, burgundy, sectional sofa sat in the middle of the floor, there was a 62” plasma TV on the wall in front of the couch, a fish tank that stretched all around the room, and a soft plush rug that covered the beautiful hardwood floor. Lakea couldn't help but cry as she walked past and touched th
e huge, wall-sized picture of her and Jeremy that hung over the couch.

  “It's OK lil sis, the pain will get better”, Ray-Ray said hugging his sister.

  At that moment Lakea looked into her brother's eyes and for the first time, she saw the pain that he felt too. She hugged her brother tighter and told him that she loved him. They both hugged each other and cried as they thought about the loves they had lost.

  Lakea and Ray-Ray continued to walk through the house looking at all that Jeremy had done. Upon further inspection of the house Lakea saw that Jeremy had even set up her bedroom, the nursery, and the guest room. She couldn't believe all of the thought, time, energy, and money Jeremy had put into the house making sure that she would be able to live well.

  “I haven't been here but once lil sis. I didn't know about all of this”, Ray-Ray said as they entered the nursery and stared at the mural Jeremy had painted on the walls and ceiling.

  It was a beautiful jungle scene with colorful, exotic birds, giraffes, monkeys, and elephants. At the top of the wall was a beautiful sky with Lakea and Jeremy's faces faded into the background and the ceiling was covered in stars. It was absolutely beautiful. Lakea started to weep again just looking at Jeremy's face and knowing that he had used his talent to leave something behind for his child.

  “Come on lil sis”, Ray-Ray said grabbing Lakea's arm and leading her out of the room as she grabbed a teddy bear out of the crib.

  It was a cute and cuddly bear with bright red overalls on and for some reason the bear reminded Lakea of Jeremy. Lakea held the teddy bear tightly to her heart as she let her brother guide her to the master bedroom across the hall. That room was beautiful too. There was a king sized bed with a pillow headboard and matching dresser with mirror and nightstand against the far wall. A rocker glider chair sat in the corner by the window, next to a book shelf filled with books, a big screen TV was mounted to the wall across from the bed, and a large picture of Lakea and Jeremy on her 15th birthday hung over the bed. Lakea stared at the picture. They looked so innocent then, so full of love and hope. Tears began to stream down Lakea's face again.

  “Lay down lil sis and rest, please. I'm going to go to the store and get you some groceries and anything else I think you may need. You just rest. I will stay with you as long as you need me too, but you know Mesha, Quan and Ray-Jay will be here later to keep you company”, Ray-Ray said.

  “Good, I need their love around me right now”, Lakea said sinking down under the soft, blue blanket on her bed and snuggling up with her teddy bear.

  “I cannot wait to see my nephew Ray-Jay, by the way big bruh. Thank you!” Lakea said in a shaky voice.

  “Know that I will always be here for you too and I will always treat my nephew like he is my own”, Lakea said staring up at her brother.

  “Anytime lil sis, we all we got remember?” Ray-Ray said kissing his sister on her forehead and leaving the room.

  Lakea lay there looking around at everything when Ray-Ray left, then she noticed a book on her book shelf that stuck out more than the others. After getting up and retrieving the book Lakea noticed that a letter was tucked inside. The outside of the envelope read, “To my love. Know that I am always with you and that you mean the world to me.”

  Chapter 4

  Suddenly Lakea felt weak and the room began to spin. She barely made it to the bed before her legs gave out and she fell back on to the bed. When Ray-Ray walked into her room a little while later he found her on the bed breathing hard and crying, still holding the letter.

  “Lil sis, you have to pull yourself together”, Ray-Ray said helping his sister to sit up.

  “You are going to make yourself sicker and that will affect the baby”, Ray-Ray said.

  Lakea knew that her brother was right, but she couldn't help but to be overcome with emotions every time she thought of Jeremy.

  “What's that?” Ray-Ray asked taking the letter out of Lakea's hand.

  “It's a letter from Jeremy”, Lakea said in a weak voice.

  “You want me to open it?” Ray-Ray asked.

  “No, I'm not ready to open it now”, Lakea said as a tear fell from her eye and she took the letter back.

  “Well don't open it until you are ready. But in the meantime sister you have to pull yourself up. Remember what daddy always told us?” Ray-Ray said as he stood in front of his sister.

  Lakea nodded her head yes and smiled slightly.

  “Daddy always said being sad and self-pity gets you nowhere, so you have to be strong like Jeremy would have wanted you to be. Do you want the baby to be sick?” Ray-Ray asked Lakea as he pulled her up by her hands to her feet.

  “No, of course not”, Lakea said.

  “Well, we’re done with sadness then. You are about to get out of this house.We going to go baby shopping and have a good day. I can get you a Hover Round”, Ray-Ray said nudging his sister and encouraging her to smile.

  She did and she felt a little better. Lakea knew that her brother was right. She had to snap back to reality and leave all the sadness behind her. She had to channel her anger again so that it could help her through this sadness, it always helped. Lakea tucked Jeremy's letter into the overalls of her teddy bear before she left the room, sucking up her sadness and stepping out on faith.

  Over the next few days Lakea felt herself getting stronger and stronger. Her sadness was beginning to fade and she was slowly returning to her old self. Her first individual therapy session with Dr. Roth went well. Lakea told her a little about her childhood, explaining how good life was when her daddy was still alive, how strong her mama was after his death, and how things changed for the worse when her mama met Jeff. Dr. Roth was very kind and understanding, she just listened to Lakea intently while writing on her pad. Then she would stop writing and look at Lakea with the most sympathetic eyes she had ever seen. Lakea could feel her compassion and understanding as she described the abuse she endured as a child and how that abuse had manifested into destructive behaviors. That compassion and understanding Dr. Roth shared was exactly what Lakea needed at that time. She needed someone to listen and let her vent without judgment. Lakea's life up to that point had been so chaotic and violent, she needed the calmness that seeing Dr. Roth offered. Lakea hoped that somehow she could gain some of those characteristics and begin to live a better, calmer, more normal life. She could finally be her true self.

  When her hour session ended Lakea actually felt better because she knew that she was taking all of the necessary steps to move past the hurt and be complete. She was truly going to work hard to be a better person, so she thought. When she left the building she decided to go spend some time with her favorite cousin Mesha at her friend Alana's house in the Shannon Falls Apartments in Frayser. She couldn't wait for her cousin to hear about the progress she was making. Lakea blasted Lauryn Hill's “Killing Me Softly” as she cruised down Frayser Blvd. Her mind was now all over the place. Her heart was still heavy from her loss, but her mind was torn between thoughts of hope and those of despair. She was so worried about what her future would be like. Lakea worried that she wouldn't be able to keep her house, feed her baby, or get pass all of her old demons. She worried that she and Felicia would never be as close as they should be. She also worried that she would always be that broken girl; that broken girl that her Jeff, her mama, and Klemmings had created.

  By the time Lakea pulled up in front of Alana's building she had a new outlook on life. She was done being sad all of the time and she was done being the victim. Lakea decided she would suck all of the sad and hurt feelings she felt up and do what she had to do. No matter what she would keep a roof over her head and her baby and nephew would be taken care of. She knew that she had to be strong even if on the inside she was broken. When Lakea stepped out of the truck and the cool breeze blew up her dress she felt free. It was the beginning of August in Memphis, TN, so it was beyond hot, but the cool breeze coming off the Mississippi River that day made the heat tolerable. Lakea had on nothing under her blue and ye
llow sundress, as usual. She still loved to feel the breeze against her bare skin.

  The pool in Alana's apartments was packed. Everyone wanted to be outside, but it was so hot that the pool was your only safe option. When Lakea stepped out of the car and walked on to the side walk she immediately heard her cousin Mesha's voice coming from the pool, so she made her way over there. Lakea was three and a half months pregnant at this point, her little stomach poked out through her dress, but she was still cute. As she approached the fence surrounding the pool Lakea saw her cousin and Alana standing with their backs to the fence ready to fight. Mesha was yelling and taunting three girls who were yelling back at her from the other side of a row of lawn chairs. About two dozen neighborhood boys and girls were running around the two groups of girls with their camera phones out.