A BROKEN GIRL’S JOURNEY 2 (A BROKEN GIRL'S JOURNEY)

by Niki Jilvontae

  “I will begin”, Felicia said turning in her chair to face Lakea.

  “Baby I know that there is no excuse for some of the things that I have done and allowed to be done in your life, but I want you to know that I am deeply sorry for it all. If I could turn back the hands of time I would because I love you and your brothers with all of my heart”, Felicia said.

  Lakea looked intensely at her mama as she spoke, lingering on her every word. She couldn't imagine what her mother was about to say, but she had the feeling that the words Felicia were about to speak would change a lot. She had the feeling that what her mama would tell her would change who she was.

  “To fully understand why I have been so selfish and to understand why back then I didn't know how to love anyone, I will have to tell you everything, from the beginning!” Felicia said with tears in her eyes.

  “I was once a very special girl, the sparkle in my daddy's life. Being the youngest of three boys and three girls, I was daddy's little princess. I could do no wrong. Well…” Felicia said with a faraway look in her eyes as she turned her head and stared out of the window.

  “Daddy died when I was 11 and I became the outcast, the black sheep. Mama was never around; she was always at work so we raised each other. My sisters were mean and my brothers were just concerned with themselves. Nothing I did or said mattered. During that time in my life I was always lonely and so trusting, which led to me being molested by my best friend's father from the age of 11 to 14.I never told anyone, because it wouldn't matter if I did”, Felicia said as her voice cracked and tears welled up in her eyes.

  “When I was 16, I finally moved out on my own and soon I met Marvin and we had Rasheed”, Felicia continued.

  By this time the tears were falling from Lakea's eyes. She could feel her mama's pain and this unspoken connection that some rape victims share. Lakea knew that her mama knew how it felt to be hurt so bad you don't want to go on, which is why she found it ridiculous that her mama did nothing to stop it from happening to her. Just as Lakea was about to ask her mama that question she answered it.

  “I was weak baby. That's why I didn't stop it. I didn't want to believe that it was happening. I was so caught up in my own pain that I was oblivious to yours”, Felicia said turning back facing Lakea and pulling her chair closer to her as she grabbed her hand.

  “Baby I couldn't love or make good decisions back then when you needed me most, just like I couldn't when I was with Marvin,”

  Lakea sat there stunned. She couldn't figure out why her mama kept referring to her daddy as Marvin and what she meant when she said she couldn't make good decisions then. Back then she was perfect in Lakea's eyes so she knew this secret was deep. She braced herself in her seat swallowing down the beef jerky that was creeping back up her throat. Lakea didn't have to wonder what her mother's secret was long because the next words Felicia spoke shattered all she ever knew.

  “Well baby, all of the events of my childhood led me to drugs. For the first two years of Ray-Ray's life baby I was addicted to cocaine”, Felicia said with shameful eyes.

  Lakea couldn't believe it. Her mother was so perfect and loving back then. Lakea didn't want to taint that perfect family picture she had in her head. That was the hope she held for the future. Lakea shook her head no as the tears continued to run down her face.

  “It's true baby. I was good at hiding it from your daddy and everyone else until one day when Ray-Ray was about to turn 1 someone found out. He threatened to tell Marvin. I knew that news would devastate him and end everything we had so when he offered a solution I agree without thinking. He wanted me to be his personal side piece and in return he would keep my secret and supply me with the drugs”, Felicia said through her tears.

  Lakea sobbed loudly. She never imagined her mama was addicted to a drug like cocaine, and when her daddy was still alive at that.

  Felicia went on.

  “So, I began sleeping with him behind your da.. Marvin's back whenever he asked...until the unthinkable happened”, Felicia said standing.

  “Ma, why do you keep calling my daddy Marvin and what happened?” Lakea asked crying.

  Her heart was beating so fast she thought it would jump out of her chest.

  “I became pregnant with his baby, not my husband's. Marvin found out shortly after the baby was born, but he didn't care. We remained together and had another child”, Felicia said finally looking Lakea in the eyes.

  “What?” Lakea and Dr. Roth both asked with a confused look on their faces.

  Lakea couldn't believe her ears. Where was the baby her mother had by another man?

  “Lady bug, that baby I had by another man was you! Baby, Marvin wasn't your daddy”, Felicia cried.

  Those words made Lakea's heart drop. She immediately felt as if she would be sick and the room began to spin. Her body began to tremble and her face was covered in sweat.

  “Who is my daddy mama?” Lakea asked crying hysterically as Dr. Roth came around the desk to hug her.

  “I think that may be enough for today Felicia”, Dr. Roth said sternly as Lakea continued to cry and tremble.

  “No, Dr. Roth I have to tell her this. Jacob baby, Jacob is your daddy”, Felicia yelled.

  Suddenly, everything went black again. Those were the last words that Lakea heard before she fainted.

  “Jacob is your DADDY!”

  Chapter 7

  When Lakea woke up at The Med Labor and Delivery Felicia was right there by her side. The words, “Jacob is your father”, still rang in her ears as tears fell from her eyes. Lakea delivered a 9 lb. 2 oz. healthy, baby boy. He was so handsome and so big.

  “He is going to be a heart-breaker”, Felicia said holding her second grandson Jeremy Jaquan Mitchell, Jr.

  Jeremy had left paperwork ensuring his son would have his name. It seems he had covered all of the bases. That made Lakea happy knowing that he cared so much for his baby without even knowing him. Felicia handed Lakea J-J and she fell in love at first sight. He was so chubby and so happy already. He had gray eyes just like Jeremy except they were almond shaped just like hers. His complexion was golden brown and he had a head full of thick curly hair and long, thick eyelashes. He was the perfect combination of Lakea and Jeremy. He was everything beautiful, pure, and innocent about them. Lakea felt nothing but love as she held her baby. All of the anger and hurt she carried around with her disappeared in that moment and she felt nothing but unconditional love and hope.

  As Lakea stroked his hair, J-J looked directly up into her eyes and she felt a love and connection she never dreamed possible.

  “Mommy loves you more than anything baby. My J-J!” Lakea said as she kissed her son's forehead and held him tight while glancing at her mama.

  “I'm sorry baby”, Felicia began, but Lakea cut her off.

  “It is what it is mama. Marvin was the only daddy I ever knew and that is that. A lot of things have happened in my life some good, most bad, but I'm still here. And I'm still here for a purpose. I just found that purpose”, Lakea said looking down at her son.

  “I'm going to the best mama that I can be to my son. The mama you never were to me and in order for me to do that I have to let everything go. So mama I love you, and I forgive you. Okay?” Lakea said looking back up at her mother.

  Felicia stood there crying as Lakea wiped the tears from her eyes.

  “I forgive you mama, so let's just move forward. Can we do that?” Lakea asked.

  Felicia shook her head yes as she kissed her daughter's hand and they did just that. They moved forward to a brighter day. Things were good for them all for about a year after that. Lakea got a customer service job at a local cable company, which helped her to keep her house and car. Felicia got herself together too and moved close to Lakea to help with J-J and Ray-Jay. Ray-Ray moved in with Lakea after he met a girl named Jessica soon after J-J was born. Jessica was now nine months pregnant with Ray-Ray's second son, Rahiem. Lakea had a house full with herself, her son, her nephew Ray-Jay, h
er brother Ray-Ray, and his pregnant girlfriend. It was like the damn Brady Bunch. Quan had just finished high school at the top of his class and was preparing to go to college at Morehouse in the fall.

  Everything was going well for everyone until Jessica had a heart attack while giving birth to Rahiem. Ray-Ray was devastated. He totally checked out of life even though he had two sons to take care of. That left everything on Lakea. Jessica had been from Texas with no living family since her parents died in a car accident when she was 13, so Lakea was now Rahiem's provider too. Lakea had to be mama and daddy for her son and both of her nephews all while fighting her demons.

  After Jessica's funeral Ray-Ray totally disappeared, lost in his grief. He quit his job at UPS and people from the hood told Lakea that they saw him walking the streets drunk and high. Lakea searched for him for days and couldn't find him. She hoped he would come back and help her because she was under so much pressure and things were not getting better. No matter how much overtime she put in at the cable company, she never seemed to make enough to cover all of her expenses. Felicia helped out when she could but that wasn't much.

  “Call Jacob”, Felicia told Lakea one day when she called her mama asking for gas money.

  “He owes you so many years of child support; I know for sure he will help you”, Felicia said.

  “Hell no, I don't need it that bad”, Lakea said sucking her teeth.

  Although she had forgiven her mama, she wasn't sure she wanted to forgive Jacob just yet; her favorite uncle, the one who betrayed her daddy and lied to her all of her life. No, she wasn't ready to ask him for anything yet.

  “I'll get it”, Lakea said before hanging up with her mama.

  Lakea did get the money after going to the blood bank and making a donation for $35. She felt so low and worthless sitting in the blood bank with all of the bums and junkies in there donating to get a fix. However, she had to do what she had to do. It was Friday, pay day and she had to have enough gas to get to work and to Walmart after work to cash her check, so she sucked it up and did it.

  At work Lakea was hit with another sack of bullshit when her check was $150 short. She forgot she was late three times in the last week and had to leave early twice, when her sitter fell through. Now she was going to pay for it by receiving a little as check that wouldn't cover her rent, which was due the following Monday. Not to mention she needed food and had to pay the kids day care bill the next Friday. Everything seemed to be crashing down on her at one time. Lakea sat there at her desk in a daze, worried about what she would do. Just then her cell phone went off. It was a text from her cousin Mesha.

  What are you doing junt? Mama want to watch the boys tonight and I want you to come party with me. Sooooo HOE, come over here when you leave that lame ass job.

  Lakea smiled to herself while reading her cousin's text.

  It had been a while since she had kicked it with her cousin Mesha. Hell it had been a while since she had done anything except work and take care of the boys. Lakea wanted to get out. She needed to get out because she could feel herself falling back into depression. She was thinking more and more about Jeremy as she sat at home alone each night, worrying about bills and how she would care for the boys.

  I'm down BITCH! Lakea texted back to Mesha, followed by another text.

  I'm fucked up. I need some money asap.

  Mesha texted back in seconds.

  I got you; I got just the hustle you need.

  Lakea smiled and actually felt a little better. She knew that whatever her cousin was on involved tricking, stripping, or robbing a nigga, but she didn't care at that point. She knew she would get the money she needed and that's all that mattered. She was trying to survive.

  The rest of Lakea's work day breezed by with ease. When it was time to clock out at 6:30 p.m., Lakea was actually skipping out of the building. She was ready to enjoy her night worry-free for a change. She rushed to Walmart and cashed her check they sped to pick up the boys. When she pulled up at Hands on Learning Enrichment Center bumping India Arie’s, “The Truth” she felt a sense of peace from the chaos of her life. That song always made her think of her good times with Jeremy and how much love she had for him. Lakea was still singing the lyrics to the song when she walked through the door. Ray-Jay met her at the door squealing.

  “Here go my Te-Te, I miss my Te-Te!”

  Lakea swept him up off his feet and covered his face in kisses like his daddy always did her. J-J wobbled up behind Ray-Jay yelling, “Ma”, with a huge smile on his face. Lakea swooped him up in her other arm and covered his face in kisses too as he giggled. She stared into his chocolate face for a second, lost in his beautiful eyes. She loved her son so much and she loved looking at his handsome face. He was the mirror image of his father, just smaller.

  After putting the boys down Lakea gathered their things, got baby Rahiem, and prepared to leave the day care. She was trying to avoid Kizzy, the day care director because she knew she owed her money. Just as she made it out of the door to the boy's classroom Kizzy popped out of the room next door and stopped her.

  “Damn!” Lakea said under her breath as Kizzy stood there with her hands on her hips and a sour look on her face.

  “Uh huh, I caught your ass didn't I. Now look Lakea I know things are rough for single parents, hell I'm one too, and I know that you have your brother's kids too, but I'm running a business honey so I'm gone need my money by Friday in full No Exceptions!” Kizzy said trying to looking caring but stern.

  Lakea sighed deeply and shook her head.

  ‘Here go the bullshit again.’ Lakea thought to herself.

  She knew that she owed the girl for three weeks, but damn she was hounding her forgetting all the free hairstyles she had gotten in the past.

  “I know Kizzy, but I promise I got you. I may have it sooner than next Friday”, Lakea said holding Rahiem in one arm and J-J in the other as Ray-Jay followed them out of the door.

  “Why don't you get on welfare and then you can get free childcare?” Kizzy asked as she followed Lakea out to the car and helped her get the boys into their seats and buckled up.

  Lakea sucked her teeth loudly and rolled her eyes at Kizzy. She was grateful for her advice, but now she was losing her mind. Over the past few months Lakea had grew close to Kizzy and they had become good friends, so she was always ready to tell Lakea what to do in any situation. They shared a common deep secret, a familiar sadness, a similar pain, which is why Lakea valued Kizzy's advice. Kizzy too had lived through a tragedy and turned it into a positive situation for her and her children. Kizzy's boyfriend had been killed in front of her too. A rival gang found him at his aunt's house in Frayser with Kizzy and the kids. They kicked the door in and blew his face off in front of them all. So Lakea knew that Kizzy understood her pain and her struggle very well. Lakea did trust her advice though on most things, just not this. She didn't want to depend on the state for anything. She wanted to make it on her own.

  “No, I can't do that honey. I don't do no damn welfare. I'm just not that chick, but believe me you will have your money”, Lakea said getting into the driver's seat and starting her truck.

  “I'ma holla at you later. The boys won't be here tomorrow though cause I ain’t working this weekend and my auntie keeping them. I'm going have me some fun!” Lakea said popping her lips and snapping her fingers after turning back on her India Arie CD.

  “Alright now junt, be safe!” Kizzy yelled over the music as Lakea honked her horn and pulled off.

  Chapter 8

  The entire ride to her auntie's house, Lakea kept contemplating what should she do. Something was telling her to go home, not to start this pattern again, but she wasn't listening. She needed the money. As Lakea parked in her aunt Violet’s driveway, she was overcome with sadness as the lyrics to India Arie’s. “Good Man” blasted through her speakers.

  “If the sun comes out and I'm not home be strong. If I'm not beside you do your best to carry on. Tell the kids about me when they're ol
d enough to understand. Tell them that their daddy was a Good Man!” India Arie sung as tears ran down Lakea's face while she sat in her aunt's driveway and sobbed.

  Just then Ray-Jay unbuckled himself and J-J, then he climbed into the front seat.

  “Don't cry Te-Te”, Ray Jay said using his little fingers to wipe away her tears as she kissed him on the head.

  She then grabbed J-J as he climbed over the seat and hugged him tight while kissing his curly hair.

  “I love you both”, Lakea whispered to the boys who were both staring up at her with wide, teary eyes.

  “I love you and so do y'all daddies”, Lakea wept.

  The tears came harder and faster then. Lakea sat there and sobbed, holding her son until all of a sudden Mesha beat on the window.

  “What's wrong June?” Mesha said snatching the car door open.