Make a Christmas Wish

by Julia Williams

  I had forgotten how much we used to laugh together. I am reminded of the old Livvy, the one I fell in love with. But as I teeter on the brink, thinking maybe this is what I should do, all I can think of is Emily. I love her too, and I owe her everything. She kept me sane and stood by me when my life with Livvy was a nightmare. And when Livvy died, Emily listened and understood what I was going through. She has been my one bright spot in a hideously difficult year. How can I choose between them? How can I even be having to make a choice between a dead wife and a live girlfriend?

  ‘So what happens now?’ says Joe casually.

  ‘Yes, Livvy, what are you planning?’ I say. ‘And how the hell are you even back in the first place?’

  ‘That would be telling,’ says Livvy, tapping her nose. ‘Let’s say there are people on the Other Side with the power to help, and one of them helped me.’

  ‘So, is Mum going to stay?’ Joe asks.

  ‘That’s up to Dad,’ says Livvy. ‘And you. Do you want me to stay, Joe?’

  Oh, unfair, Livvy. What else is he going to say?

  Joe looks at her thoughtfully.

  ‘I like Emily,’ he says, ‘and so does Dad.’

  ‘Yes, but I’m back now,’ says Livvy. ‘Emily doesn’t have to be your new mum any more.’

  ‘Will it be like it was?’ says Joe. ‘I didn’t like it when you used to sleep in the daytime.’ The way he says it, so matter-of-factly, breaks my heart. Livvy was so often drunk when he came home from school, he started to accept it as normal. But I hadn’t appreciated till now how much he must have hated it.

  ‘No, Joe,’ says Livvy. ‘I was very ill before. But now I’m better. I can come back and we can be a family again, if that’s what you want.’

  ‘Yes,’ says Joe, ‘that’s what I want.’

  At this I feel a knife twist in my heart. Livvy has manipulated the situation perfectly. I want to say to her that even if she is back, we don’t have to stay married, we could get a divorce. But Livvy knows I can’t resist Joe. I don’t think I have a choice now. If Joe wants Livvy back, I have to take her. I don’t know how I am going to tell Emily. It’s going to break both our hearts.

  Emily

  Emily didn’t hear from Adam all day. She should have gone into work, but she was far too agitated so rang in sick. As tempting as it was to find out what was happening, she was determined not to crack and call Adam first. She felt desperate to talk to someone, but who on earth would believe her? Lucy, with her perfect family life, would be up to her ears in the pre-Christmas rush. Lucy was open-minded, and had been pretty understanding about the little Emily had shared with her so far but like anyone normal she would think it sounded completely insane for Emily to be worried her boyfriend was about to ditch her for his dead ex-wife. It was insane. No, she couldn’t talk to Lucy.

  There was Dad of course, but Emily didn’t want him worrying about her, or thinking that she’d lost it entirely. She was on her own with this one.

  Restless and unhappy, Emily threw on her warmest clothes and tried to walk out her frustration in the snow-filled streets, full of excited children throwing snowballs, or dragging their parents off to the local slopes to go sledging. She envied them their uncomplicated happiness, only wishing her life could be so simple.

  For some reason Emily found herself drifting towards the nearest church. Somehow it seemed like the right place to be. A group of small children was rehearsing for the nativity on Christmas Eve. It was very sweet, and made Emily feel calmer. There was a tiny angel aged about five, who kept yawning, and two small boys dressed as sheep, who had to be separated for fighting. She marvelled at the patience of the organizers. There was an awful lot of stopping and starting, and children forgetting their lines.

  But it was all worth it by the time they did their run through, and by the end of it, Emily had nearly forgotten her troubles as she was completely entranced. She had had the odd fantasy about having children with Adam: a boy and a girl would have been nice. She imagined what it would be like coming here, watching their children do this, seeing them play sheep and angels. It must be lovely to be a parent at Christmas. That seemed so unlikely now. By the time the children were singing ‘Away in a Manger’ Emily was sobbing loudly.

  ‘It’s always terribly moving, I find.’ A woman in her sixties, who was sitting behind Emily wrapped up in scarves, leaned in to talk to her. Her voice sounded vaguely familiar, but her face was in the shadows and Emily couldn’t quite make out her features.

  ‘I don’t even know why I’m crying,’ Emily said.

  ‘Oh but I think you do,’ the woman said shrewdly. ‘Why don’t you tell me all about it?’

  ‘I don’t think you’d believe me,’ said Emily.

  ‘Try me,’ her new friend said. ‘I’m very broad-minded.’

  So Emily told her. The whole thing about falling in love with Adam, though she hadn’t meant to, and about Livvy dying and coming back to haunt them and now apparently being there for good.

  ‘And I can’t compete, can I?’ Emily finished off bitterly. ‘She holds all the cards. She’s Joe’s mother, Adam’s wife, and they thought they’d lost her. I can’t stand in the way of that.’

  ‘Maybe you shouldn’t think in terms of competing,’ said the woman. ‘It doesn’t sound like Adam has stopped loving you. But he needs time. You should give it to him.’

  ‘I should?’ Emily said. ‘But doesn’t that let Livvy win?’

  ‘Maybe, maybe not. But pushing Adam to choose isn’t going to help either. You’re just going to have to sweat it out.’

  ‘Right,’ Emily said, ‘well thanks for the advice.’

  She was a bit disappointed. For some reason she’d put her faith in her mysterious friend sorting all her problems out.

  ‘I can’t do that you know,’ the woman said. ‘It’s not my job.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘My job is making you face the truth, even if it’s unpleasant,’ was the response. And then she got up and gave Emily a kiss on the forehead. Only when she’d gone did Emily realize the woman reminded her of her nan. But it wasn’t Nan. With a profound shock, Emily understood she’d just spent the previous half-hour talking to her dead mother.

  Livvy

  ‘So what about Emily?’ Joe says conversationally, as he drains his hot chocolate to the dregs.

  Adam looks awkward and says nothing.

  ‘What about Emily?’ I say. I wasn’t expecting this. I’d got the idea that Joe quite liked Emily, but surely now I was back, he’d see she didn’t need to be around?

  ‘Is she still coming for Christmas?’ asks Joe. ‘I bought her a present.’

  ‘You can still give it to her,’ I say. Let’s be magnanimous about this.

  ‘I bought you a present too,’ says Joe. ‘I knew I’d see you again.’

  ‘That’s lovely, Joe,’ I say. I need to tread carefully here. Joe is so logical. He’ll want to know that Emily is OK with all of this, which quite clearly she isn’t. And I really don’t want to upset Joe.

  ‘Emily is still coming for Christmas,’ says Adam firmly.

  Yeah, right. Over my no-longer-dead body. I want Christmas with my family, the way it’s meant to be. I most definitely do not want to share it with my husband’s mistress. But I also don’t want to have an argument about it in front of Joe. He’s been through enough, and though he appears to be taking everything in his stride I know from experience that sometimes he can have a left-field response.

  ‘We’ll see,’ I say.

  ‘Only it’s a bit confusing,’ says Joe. ‘Dad and Emily are going to move in together. Mum, did you know?’

  ‘I did,’ I say, ‘but that was before.’

  ‘When you were dead?’ says Joe helpfully. ‘But now you’re not dead. So what happens?’

  ‘I think that’s up to Dad,’ I say and leave it at that.

  And me, I think. It’s up to me, to prove to Adam I’ve changed and that we can wipe out the past and start ag
ain. That there’s a possibility for us to find love again.

  Adam looks stricken as if he doesn’t know what to do. I think it’s best I leave him alone for a while to let him get used to the idea that I’m here to stay.

  So I say, ‘Look you two, I’m going out for a walk, maybe do some shopping. You get on home, I’ll join you later.’

  I kiss them both on the tops of their heads and breeze out, but it doesn’t escape my notice that Adam flinches slightly away from me. Bugger, this might be tougher than I thought.

  I wander through the shops, marvelling for the first time since I’ve escaped from the car park that I can feel sensations and see clearly all the things going on around me. Before it was like I was in a fog, but now everything is bright and jangly and new again. I breathe in the fresh crisp air in delight. Imagine! Being able to breathe again. How fantastic is that?

  At the bridge end of the river, there’s a Christmas market. Gorgeous smells of cinnamon and roasting chestnuts hit you as you walk past, and heat pours out from braziers. As I walk among the crowds in a daze, drinking in the wonder of being alive, I fumble in my pockets and find a tenner there, from the day I died. Brilliant. I buy a gluhwein and stand looking at the river flowing, and the snow falling on the ducks.

  The gluhwein has warmed me up, and given me confidence. So I boldly go to the shops to buy Adam and Joe a present each. I still have my purse in my fleece, and I choose Adam a jacket I know he’ll like, and Joe a scarf and gloves. I’ve noticed his are looking ratty. But when I go to pay there’s a problem.

  ‘This card’s been cancelled,’ says the lady behind the counter. And she looks at me apologetically. ‘It says here you don’t exist.’

  Joe’s Notebook

  This is the best day of my life.

  We went sledging with Mum.

  And then we had hot chocolate, just like we used to.

  I like having Mum back.

  I don’t have to look at her star any more.

  I knew she’d find her way home.

  This is going to be the best Christmas ever.

  Christmas Present

  ‘Running into a few teething difficulties?’ Malachi is waiting for me outside the shop.

  ‘Go away,’ I say. I was shocked by the card incident. I had thought I would slot back into my old life again, but clearly it’s not going to be quite as simple as that.

  ‘Not so easy coming back from the dead, is it?’ says Malachi. ‘All that red tape. Tsk, tsk. You should have thought about that.’

  ‘Will you just leave me alone,’ I say.

  ‘No can do,’ says Malachi. ‘You’re my responsibility for better or for worse, and I have to show you the error of your ways.’

  ‘I’ve learned from the error of my ways,’ I say. ‘And I intend to prove it to Joe and Adam. Everything will be fine. We’re going to be a family again.’

  ‘So you keep telling me,’ says Malachi. ‘But let me show you this, and see if you’re still so sure everything’s going your way.’

  It’s nearly Christmas in my alternative present, and Adam and I are pretending very hard for Joe that everything between us is normal. A year since my accident, and where I should be feeling happy that I’m still here, and Adam is still with me, I’m not. I’m miserable as sin. Ever since Marigold had that chat with me, all I can think of is that Adam is back with Emily. I know it’s her, because (though I am ashamed to have done it) I sneaked into his phone and found his text messages to her. I don’t know what to do, but I’m too frightened to confront him again. Our relationship feels even more fragile than it did this time last year, and though I know it does no good, I can’t help drinking more than I should. I try to cover it up when Joe is around, but I know he knows. What makes me feel worse is that Adam doesn’t even bother to say anything any more if he finds me drunk. I am losing him, and it is all my own fault.

  But the day we put the Christmas tree up it all comes to a head. I try my best for Joe’s sake not to have a drink, though I am itching to open a bottle of wine. And we have a lovely afternoon, taking the decorations down from the attic and putting them up in the special order in which Joe likes to do things. He has the day marked down in the calendar every year. It is our special time, and I feel lucky that at least I have had the chance to do this again. Adam is supposed to be joining us, but he cries off saying he has to go into work. It’s a Saturday, and his busiest time of year, but I can’t help suspecting that he is lying to me.

  When the decorations are done, without any preamble Joe announces he’s going to Caroline’s. I had been planning to take him for a hot chocolate but swallow my disappointment and drop him off there. He seems so happy, I can’t let my misery intrude on that.

  I get back to the house, and the Christmas tree is twinkling at me, full of its sparkly promise. But I am alone in my house, and there is still no sign of Adam. I sigh and pour myself a drink, staring out into the garden at a blotchy grey sky.

  It is dark before I know it, and I sit in the kitchen cradling my drink, wondering how things can possibly be worse now than they were a year ago, when I hear the key in the lock.

  ‘What are you doing in the dark?’ says Adam, coming into the kitchen and turning the light on. ‘Where’s Joe?’

  ‘Out,’ I say. ‘How was work?’

  ‘Oh busy,’ says Adam, but I can tell he is lying, and suddenly I am sick of it.

  ‘You haven’t been to work, have you?’ I say. ‘You’ve been with her.’

  To his credit, Adam doesn’t lie. He sits down opposite me, his head in his hands.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Liv,’ he says, ‘I wanted this to work, but I just can’t carry on.’

  ‘What are you saying?’ I ask in a small voice, terrified by what I’ve unleashed.

  ‘It’s over, Livvy,’ he says. ‘I’m so sorry, but after Christmas I’m going to move in with Emily.’

  Part Three

  Christmas Future

  Christmas Future

  I’m back in the present again and Malachi is still with me. I don’t know why he has to keep showing me all this depressing stuff.

  ‘You’re still not getting it, are you?’ he says.

  ‘What am I not getting?’ I say. ‘It’s inevitable that Emily will get together with Adam whatever I do? I just don’t believe that. I’ve this one opportunity to sort my life out properly and you’re not going to stop me.’

  ‘Livvy,’ Malachi says, ‘you could do this and hurt everyone in the process.’

  ‘What about me?’ I say. ‘I was hurt. I didn’t deserve to die.’

  ‘I know,’ says Malachi. ‘But sometimes, things are just as they are. Your time is up here.’

  ‘Why does it have to be?’ I argue.

  ‘Because that’s just how it is,’ says Malachi. ‘Let me show you how the future is meant to be, if you stop interfering.’

  ‘No, I don’t want to see it,’ I say stubbornly, but already I find myself standing outside a church.

  ‘Why are we here?’ I hiss to Malachi as he takes me up to the church door. ‘Is it a funeral?’ It’s a freezing cold day, so it’s just right for one.

  ‘Shh,’ says Malachi. ‘Just go in and watch.’

  I enter the packed church. I can see people Adam works with looking happy and excited – even sodding Marigold – and on the other side of the church, lots of people I don’t know. There is an air of happy expectation. Near the altar I spot Adam’s mum and dad, and Joe standing with Adam. They’re both smiling, looking very smart in morning suits and button holes.

  No. No, this mustn’t happen. I have to stop it.

  The organ voluntary starts and everyone turns to look up the aisle. I want to scream as I see Emily, a winter bride in ermine and satin, blushing as she walks up the aisle with her dad. I swear he winks at Mum as he walks past her. Even Mum is here – how could she?

  So this is the future Malachi is offering me? Emily and Adam getting married? I let out a howl of anguish, and drop down at th
e back of the church sobbing my heart out. No one can hear me of course, which makes it worse. In this future, I am dead, and my husband is marrying someone else, and no one else cares but me.

  Adam is going to marry Evil Emily?

  I don’t think so.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Three Days till Christmas

  Adam

  After Livvy leaves us, Joe and I go home.

  ‘What are you going to do, Dad?’ Joe keeps asking me and I have no idea of the answer. My thoughts are churning and muddled. I wanted to see Livvy again to have the chance to talk about the past; and make up for the way I hurt her. I’m glad for the opportunity to tell her how I feel. But I don’t want her back in my life. I loved her once, and this afternoon reminded me of that, but it was a long time ago and we were very different people. Besides, how on earth do you go around telling people that the wife who’s been dead for a year, and whose funeral they all attended, has come back to life and moved in again? This isn’t some corny soap opera where everyone wakes up and it’s all been a dream.

  I love Emily.

  I want to live with Emily.

  The thought of a life without her is impossible. I want my future to be with her, but how can I do that to Joe? I play the argument back and forth, and can find no easy answers. It’s an impossible conundrum.

  In the end, I call Felicity and ask her to come over. She needs to know what’s going on.

  ‘Mum’s back,’ says Joe cheerfully, when Felicity comes in. ‘She’s back properly.’

  Stupidly I hadn’t prepared Joe to be more tactful. Although how do you break such news to your mother-in-law about her dead daughter?

  ‘Sorry?’ Felicity looks stunned, and I don’t blame her. I still haven’t taken it in, and poor Felicity didn’t even know till now that the exorcism hasn’t worked. ‘Joe’s right,’ I say. ‘Livvy’s managed to return from the dead somehow, and she wants us to be a family again.’