Make a Christmas Wish

by Julia Williams

  ‘Slow down,’ says Felicity. ‘What do you mean, Livvy’s back? How? Where is she? Can I see her?’

  ‘As in properly alive again.’

  ‘But – the exorcism—’ stutters Felicity. She looks pale and I make her sit down, and pour her a drink of whisky.

  ‘Didn’t work, apparently,’ I say.

  ‘But how can she be alive again?’ Felicity is understandably struggling with this. Who wouldn’t be?

  ‘I don’t know,’ I say. ‘All I know is she’s not a ghost any longer.’

  Felicity takes a deep breath.

  ‘Where is she now?’ she asks, shock still written over her face.

  ‘Shopping,’ I say. ‘She wanted to go Christmas shopping.’ And the absurdity of it hits me. My wife has come back from the dead and gone shopping. Two weeks ago, my life was complicated but beginning to settle. Now it’s an entangled mess, and I can see no way out.

  ‘I need to see her,’ says Felicity. ‘I need to talk to her. Find out what she thinks she’s playing at.’

  ‘Would you?’ I say. ‘I don’t think she’s listening to me.’

  ‘Can’t you, me, Emily and Mum all live together?’ Joe looks puzzled.

  ‘I don’t think that will work, darling,’ says Felicity. ‘Where is Emily?’

  ‘She went home,’ I say.

  ‘Why don’t you go and spend some time with her?’ says Felicity. ‘I’ll deal with Livvy.’

  Livvy

  I leave Malachi by the river, and march home. I’m freezing cold. I’d forgotten how cold actually feels. I’ve been wafting about through snowy streets without batting an eyelid, and now my feet are soaking wet, and I’m chilled to the bone. And I haven’t bought any Christmas presents, because officially I don’t exist. I wonder how easy it is to be declared undead. I haven’t thought this through properly. Everyone thinks I’m buried six feet under; it’s not like I can jump out of a giant Christmas cake and say, ‘Ta-da! Surprise!’

  Malachi is wrong. He has to be. This opportunity has to have some purpose, and if it’s not to reunite me with my family, what could it be?

  When I arrive home, I take the key I find in my fleece and unlock the door. It doesn’t fit. Bloody cheek. Adam’s changed the locks. I’m still an outsider in my own home. I have to change this, I have to. I ring on the doorbell, and the door opens. I’m expecting Adam, but—

  ‘Mum?’ I say in surprise. I’m not sure I’m up to seeing Mum yet. I’ve a feeling she won’t be entirely on my side.

  ‘Livvy,’ she says. She gives me an awkward hug. We were never very touchy-feely when I was alive. Neither of us is quite sure of the etiquette, now I’m miraculously back from the dead. But she’s my mum, and for the first time in a year I can properly touch her. I hug her more warmly, a lump building in my throat. And she responds.

  ‘I can’t believe it,’ she says, her voice thick with pain.

  ‘Hello Mum.’ Joe is pleased to see me. ‘Granny’s going to sort you out.’

  Oh is she? We’ll see about that.

  ‘Hush, Joe,’ says Mum. ‘Are you OK for a bit on your PlayStation? Your mum and I need to have a little chat.’

  ‘OK,’ says Joe. ‘It’s good Mum’s back isn’t it?’

  ‘Yes,’ says my mum, ‘I suppose it is.’

  But she doesn’t sound too sure.

  We go and sit in the kitchen.

  ‘Tea?’ says Mum.

  ‘If I’m getting a lecture, I’d prefer something stronger,’ I say. In the last few years of my old life, it often felt as though Mum only came over to tell me about where I was going wrong with my life.

  ‘What makes you think you’re getting a lecture?’ asks Mum.

  ‘The look on your face?’

  ‘I don’t want to give you a lecture,’ says Mum, and I realize she’s nervous, which surprises me. She paces up and down the kitchen. ‘You know I’m not good at the emotional stuff, but you’re my only daughter and I lost you. You have no idea how that feels. God knows there’ve been times in the last year when all I’ve wanted was for you to walk through my front door, and for none of this to have happened. I’m thrilled to see you, really, but I’m worried too.’

  ‘There’s no need to be worried,’ I say.

  ‘No?’ says Mum. ‘Livvy, what do you think you’re doing here?’

  ‘Trying to put things right,’ I tell her. ‘Please, Mum, I need you to understand. I know it was horrible for Adam. I know I was horrible, but I’m here now and things will be different.’

  ‘Oh Livvy,’ says Mum, and there are tears in her eyes. ‘It wasn’t all your fault. I should have seen what was happening instead of hiding my head in the sand, and got you help sooner. Sometimes I feel I really let you down.’

  ‘You didn’t let me down,’ I say, feeling choked. Although we’ve had our differences, I’ve always known she was there for me, even if I never admitted it.

  ‘I could have done more,’ says Mum. ‘I’m sorry.’

  We stand awkwardly contemplating a shared past of missed opportunities.

  ‘I’m not sure you could have helped,’ I say sadly, ‘I can see now I wasn’t ready to listen.’

  ‘Well listen now,’ Mum says. ‘I don’t want to be cruel, but what you and Adam had is over. He’s with Emily now. You should let him go.’

  Emily

  Emily walked slowly back home, feeling more miserable than ever. The snow was turning to slush as a grey sleet fell. She felt cold, wet and hungry, and utterly confused. If she had just met her mum’s ghost, she hadn’t been given any helpful advice, even though it was a strangely comforting experience. Surely they must have some answers on the Other Side?

  The one certainty Emily had clung on to for the past year was that she and Adam loved one another. She didn’t think Livvy’s reappearance would change that. But Emily also knew how decent, kind and responsible Adam was. What had happened to Livvy was so terrible, Emily knew he’d want to do the right thing even if that meant his future with Emily slipping away.

  To her surprise, Adam was waiting on her front doorstep when she got home.

  ‘Adam?’ She approached him warily, not sure what this meant. Had he come to tell her he was going back to Livvy? Emily felt sick at the thought.

  ‘Emily,’ he said. ‘Can I come in?’

  ‘Of course,’ said Emily, the sick feeling not abating. ‘Where’s Livvy?’

  ‘I left her behind with Felicity,’ he said.

  ‘What are we going to do?’ Emily said as she led Adam into her cosy little lounge. ‘If Livvy really is back, I can hardly move in now.’

  ‘That’s what I came over to say,’ said Adam. He looked utterly wretched, and it was all Emily could do to resist pulling him into her arms. ‘Whatever happens next, I want you with me. I don’t love Livvy any more. Seeing her again has completely clarified it for me. I want to be with you.’

  ‘Really? You looked pretty cosy in the kitchen.’

  It was bitchy and a bit unnecessary, but Emily had to lash out at someone.

  ‘Emily,’ said Adam, ‘don’t be daft. I gave Livvy a hug because I was genuinely pleased to see her, but honestly, I’m over her. It’s you I love.’

  Emily felt a weak pulse of relief. She had been so sure Adam was going to tell her the opposite.

  He pulled her towards him and she sank gratefully into his arms. ‘I know this is a mess and a weird situation.’

  ‘Define weird,’ said Emily with a grimace. ‘I’ve just met my dead mother in church.’

  ‘What?’ said Adam. ‘How many more bloody ghosts are going to pop up? Can’t anyone stay dead any more?’

  ‘I have no idea,’ laughed Emily, relief making her giddy. ‘She wanted to help I think. She told me to give you space and time. And I can do that if you need it.’

  ‘I don’t need it,’ said Adam. ‘I know Joe wants me to take Livvy back. Of course he does. But I can’t do it, not even for him. It’s not the right thing for any of us.’

 
; ‘I don’t want to cause problems with you and Joe,’ said Emily.

  ‘I know,’ said Adam. ‘I’ll try and explain it to him. If I can. I don’t want to hurt him more than he’s been hurt already, but my living with Livvy again won’t make things better. He’ll see that eventually. I’m going to tell her it’s over. Like I would have done a year ago but for the accident.’

  Emily leaned happily on Adam’s shoulder, back where she belonged. She hadn’t a clue how they were going to work this mess out, but as long as she still had Adam, she knew she could cope with anything.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Livvy

  ‘Gee, thanks Mum,’ I say. ‘I thought you were on my team.’

  ‘I’m always on your team,’ says Mum. ‘That’s why I’m telling you this. Adam’s had a rough time this year.’

  ‘It’s not been a bundle of laughs for me,’ I say.

  ‘And before that. Come on, Livvy, you know things weren’t good between you.’ Mum is remorseless and at this precise moment I want to throw something at her. The memories of what I was like keep returning and I don’t care to think about the vile things I did. I want to remember how good Adam and I once were together. I know that we could be as good again.

  ‘You don’t have to remind me,’ I snap. I stare out of the window. So many missed opportunities; things unsaid, or done wrong. Why can’t Mum see this is the perfect moment to make things right?

  ‘But this time I can make it better,’ I say. ‘I’ve been given a second chance. Who gets that chance? I can’t waste it.’

  Mum looks at me. ‘But what about Emily?’ she asks. ‘You made life really difficult for Adam but he stood by you for more years than many men would have done. And now he’s found a lovely girl. I think it’s time for you to step back and let him live his life. I’d still be saying this if you hadn’t had the accident.’

  ‘But you didn’t, did you?’ I say. ‘You never told me I was being unfair to Adam. You never said anything.’

  ‘Oh I tried,’ said Mum sadly. ‘Don’t you remember? The summer before your accident, I warned you that Adam was losing patience with you, but you ignored me. You weren’t prepared to listen then, any more than you are now. What do you want from Adam, Livvy? If you really loved him, you’d let him go.’

  ‘Mum!’ I am incandescent with rage now. ‘How can you say that? After what he did to me?’

  ‘What did he do to you, Livvy? Apart from being incredibly supportive of your problems, with precious little understanding from you, about what you were putting him through?’

  ‘He had an affair,’ I say.

  The words are out of my mouth before I’ve thought them through. Mum stares at me in incomprehension.

  ‘Adam had an affair,’ she says.

  ‘So he hasn’t come clean then?’ I say bitterly. ‘That figures.’

  ‘Who did he have an affair with?’ Mum asks faintly, although I’m sure it must be obvious.

  ‘Who do you think? It was Emily. Adam had an affair with Emily. I found out the day I died.’

  Emily

  Emily and Adam sat cuddling on the sofa for what seemed like hours. She felt safe and secure, but horribly aware this was only temporary. Adam would eventually have to go home, though both of them were reluctant for him to leave. It wasn’t often they got time alone. But Emily knew it would be selfish to keep him here, much as she wanted it, so she said nothing.

  Adam looked at his watch guiltily, reminding Emily of before, when Livvy was properly alive, and they had snatched precious moments together. Adam had planned to tell Livvy after Christmas, but then someone she knew spotted him with Emily and the cat was well and truly out of the bag. And then of course, the accident had happened.

  ‘Bloody hell, if Livvy’s back for good, we have to go through this charade all over again,’ said Emily. ‘I’m not sure I can stand it.’

  ‘We don’t,’ said Adam.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Have to live like we did. It’s in the open now. We’ve been together for a year. If this really bizarre situation continues I’ll get a divorce. Though I have no idea how you even go about divorcing a dead spouse.’

  Emily laughed though she didn’t really find it funny.

  After some while Adam said reluctantly, ‘I should go. I don’t want to …’

  ‘I know,’ Emily said. It was what they used to say back then too, on those frantic nights when they had grabbed precious time together.

  ‘It’s been so nice being able to be together without complications,’ Emily sighed. ‘How can this be happening?’

  ‘We’ll get through it,’ said Adam, kissing her.

  They held each other tight.

  ‘I’m very afraid of what the next few days will bring,’ whispered Emily.

  ‘I’ll ring you,’ said Adam, but offered no assurance beyond, ‘and we’ll sort something out.’

  But as Emily saw him to the door, she felt doubtful it would be that easy. Livvy was a malevolent witch who would stop at nothing.

  Adam

  Livvy won’t want to hear what I’ve got to say, but I have to say it. We had a good time today, a reminder of how things once were, but none of that stops me wanting to be with Emily, or makes me forget the misery of the years between. I’m flattered – who wouldn’t be? – that my wife apparently loves me and our son so much she’s literally come back from the dead. That is pretty impressive. But we can’t go back to the way things were.

  I want a future with Emily. I want to marry her, and move into a different house, one without bad memories; a house where we can build a future, maybe even have some kids. I know it will be hard for Joe to accept it, and of course that worries me. But he’s very logical, and in time I am sure he will understand.

  When I arrive home, I detect a weird atmosphere. Joe is in the lounge on his PlayStation and barely looks up when I come in. Not totally unusual, but he doesn’t even acknowledge me.

  ‘Where’s Mum?’ I say, thinking how strange it is to be asking that question again.

  ‘Kitchen,’ mumbles Joe and goes back to his PlayStation.

  When I go into the kitchen, it’s to find Felicity sitting in there with Livvy with a face like thunder.

  ‘To think I felt sorry for you,’ she spits out.

  ‘Come again?’ I am confused. Felicity has been amazing in the last year, and even before that, always offering me quiet support when things were difficult. And then I see Livvy looking smug, and my heart sinks. Oh no, what has she said?

  ‘Were you ever planning to tell me?’ asks Felicity. ‘Or was I supposed to be kept in the dark forever?’

  ‘About what?’ I say weakly.

  ‘About your affair with Emily?’ says Felicity, and Livvy looks on, triumphant.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Adam

  I was not expecting this. I’ve walked into a veritable shit storm with both Livvy and Felicity ranged against me. It’s a pretty fearsome sight.

  ‘Felicity,’ I say. ‘I have no excuses. Apart from the fact that when I met Emily, my home life was rotten. You know that. And—’

  ‘Emily was there. I get it,’ says Felicity. She’s furious with me. ‘But you let me believe that you only met her after Livvy died. How could you? I thought better of you than that.’

  I feel like I’ve been hit in the stomach. I love Felicity dearly and her good opinion is vital to me.

  ‘I didn’t tell you, because there didn’t seem much point,’ I say. ‘I wasn’t trying to keep anything from you. It was such a difficult time and …’ My voice trails off; Felicity’s not really listening to me. She’s gone pink in the face and is very agitated.

  ‘It was a shock for me, thinking you’d found someone so soon, but I was genuinely happy for you. I thought some good had come from all this heartache. And the whole time you must have been laughing at my stupidity.’

  ‘I wasn’t,’ I protest. ‘I’d never do that, I just didn’t want to tell you stuff that would only
upset you.’

  ‘Too right, it’s upset me,’ says Felicity. ‘I’ll see myself out.

  ‘And Joe?’ she says, pausing at the door. ‘What about Joe? How are you going to explain it to him? What a mess.’

  Felicity’s gone in a whirl of indignation and self-righteousness. I’ve never seen her like this. She’d always been on my side, when Livvy and I were going through bad times. I honestly wasn’t expecting her to turn on me. And now she has, and by the looks of things I’m not going to be forgiven in a hurry.

  ‘Thanks for that, Livvy,’ I say. I’m beyond angry with her. ‘That was helpful.’

  Livvy just smiles and says, ‘She had a right to know. And let’s face it, you are the bad guy here, not me, for once.’

  ‘Livvy, what do you hope to gain from this? Just because you’ve come back, it doesn’t mean I’m going to start again with you. I love Emily and intend to stay with her.’

  ‘Oh, please!’ Livvy looks at me in disbelief. ‘You can’t mean that.’

  ‘I can and do,’ I say.

  ‘I thought you wanted to sort things out,’ she says. ‘That’s all I’ve heard from you since I first started to see you again. I’ve been in your thoughts, remember.’

  ‘Yes,’ I say. ‘I wanted to have the opportunity to say sorry for hurting you. It was horrendous knowing that the last words I heard from you were angry ones. But whatever you and your mum think, I’m not going to change my mind.’

  ‘We’ll see about that,’ says Livvy. ‘Shall we ask Joe what he thinks?’

  ‘Livvy, you wouldn’t,’ I gasp.

  ‘Oh wouldn’t I?’ says Livvy. ‘You try and stop me.’

  Livvy

  OK, so I wasn’t expecting Adam to still be quite so on board with Emily. I’d been bargaining on Joe being enough of a reason for him to accept me back. Seems I was wrong about that. But I’m sure I can work on him. I’ve managed to get him in a flap about Joe, which is the ace up my sleeve. I’m sure Adam doesn’t want our son to know he’s been a naughty boy. So to wind him up I go into the lounge to pretend I’m about to tell Joe. Only he’s not there.