The Telling

by Beverly Lewis

  “Not to worry,” he mumbled.

  “You go ahead,” she told him. “Your family will wonder what’s become of you.” She glanced up the road. “Or would you like a ride home?”

  “Not necessary,” he replied, even though if Martin Puckett or another male driver had offered, he would have taken him up on it for certain; he was that drained. “Mighty kind of you to offer, Mrs. Spangler. Mighty kind.” Adjusting his hat, he thought he must seem distracted. Did he? Like during Lettie’s attempts to make conversation with me...

  Slowly he made his way toward home, with only so much strength left to kick himself. When Lettie needed me most, I walked away. I walked right down the stairs and out to the barn the night she left!

  The years of emotional distance weighed on him like the heavy ax he’d used to sever the kudzu vines.

  When he arrived at the turnoff to his driveway, Judah paused to draw a breath. He saw a dim light coming from the sewing room on Jakob’s side of the house. Adah must be up, too.

  Needing more rest than the forty winks he’d already gotten, he plodded around toward the back of the house. And he would’ve stumbled right over his own son had he not been looking down. “Ach, Adam, is that you?”

  The lad had been muttering into his arms, his head bowed. Startled, he looked up, the whites of his eyes nearly all that could be seen of his face. “Dat?”

  “You all right, son?”

  Adam straightened from his waist up. “It’s my girl,” he said guardedly. “She heard that Mamma’s home but... well, she ain’t really , ya know. Guess one of Preacher Josiah’s older boys told it around.”

  Judah cringed, certain Lettie’s past sin would see the light of day all too soon. “Did you keep what ya know of your Mamma’s situation private?” he asked quickly.

  “Wouldn’t think of spreadin’ that .” Adam stared at the barn and sighed loudly. “Sure would hate to see Mamma livin’ over at the preacher’s place permanently.”

  “She won’t be there for long,” Judah blurted, knowing he’d do whatever he could to bring her back straightaway. As soon as it was daylight, even.

  “Prissy’ll be relieved at that,” Adam said, then caught himself. “Puh, I mean...”

  “No, no... ’tis all right.” Judah would keep that in confidence.

  “Denki” was all Adam said, but with a great sigh of relief, as though he knew his courting secret was safe with his father.

  Well, well... Susannah Stahl’s daughter, thought Judah, reaching for the door to let himself in.

  While Grace was down scrubbing the kitchen floor Wednesday morning, she heard Dat take the horse and buggy lickety-split out to the road. She dropped her sponge in the bucket of hot, sudsy water and went outside. “Where’s Dat goin’ in such a big hurry?” she asked Adam, who was coming back from the springhouse.

  “To fetch Mamma.” Adam wiped his forehead with the back of his sleeve.

  “Des gut !” Grace could hardly stand still.

  “Dat urged us to show mercy when she arrives,” Adam said, his eyes serious.

  “We’ll welcome her home, all right!” She turned and ran to the house to tell Mandy. “Mamma’s comin’ home!” she told her sister when she found her upstairs redding up. “Oh, Mandy, this is ever so wonderful- gut !”

  Mandy’s eyes popped open. “Are ya sure?”

  “Adam just said so.”

  Mandy sat on her bed, then fell back onto the pillows. “It’ll be so nice to have her home again.”

  Just then Grace thought of their parents’ bedroom. “Ach, I best look and see how Dat left things.” She darted down the hall to check on the bed and see if he’d picked up his dirty socks, which he wasn’t known to do. She made a sweep with her eyes from the doorway. The space was spotless – bed made, clothes picked up. Jah, Mamma is definitely returning today!

  Grace headed downstairs, where she heard Sally Smucker visiting with Mammi Adah across the hall. She hurried to see if she might be on her way to see Heather, as well, and found that she was indeed. “Heather will be so glad,” she said, having interrupted Sally and Mammi Adah’s tea. “But where are your little ones?”

  “Your mother’s with them, back at the house.” Sally set her teaspoon down.

  Sally must’ve just missed Dat. She doesn’t know Mamma’s coming home....

  Oh, but Grace could scarcely stand there and be still, not with Mamma soon on her way. Glancing again at Mammi Adah, Grace doubted her grandmother had any idea of her father’s plan, either.

  Sally sipped her warm tea while the pair discussed the jam making they wanted to do. Grace looked over at Dawdi Jakob, who sat in the corner of the kitchen, observing the songbirds he loved. Like Mamma...

  Did her grandfather sense a change in the wind? Like the shifting of a tide... She’d once read in a library book that some folk who’d lived by the sea for many years were uncannily sensitive to the changing of the tides, able to feel the split second when the cadenced washing of the waves reversed direction. Inland dwellers said it was impossible to feel the rhythm of the tides change, but lovers of the sea knew. Perhaps, like them, Dawdi Jakob could tell something was coming... even now.

  Grace went back to the kitchen and set to work on the floor again, all the while waiting for Dat to bring Mamma home for good.

  Judah hardly noticed the stray chickens on the road as he turned into Preacher Josiah’s lane. Two other gray buggies were parked in the side yard, minus the horses, so he pulled in behind them and tied his own horse to the fence. He figured he wouldn’t be long enough that his horse would need water or feed.

  Taking off his straw hat, he mopped his face with his old kerchief, then put his hat back on and pushed his handkerchief into his pocket. The bishop and the other preacher sure are here early. He recognized both buggies and guessed Deacon Amos had gotten a ride with one of them.

  At the back door, he raised his hand to knock, but as he peered through the screen, he realized the main house was empty. The sound of voices came from the small back porch around the side, and he followed the walkway to the former residence of Sally’s grandparents, now gone to Glory.

  Children’s voices wafted from within the cottage-like Dawdi Haus, although Lettie was sitting outside on the porch with the brethren. Must be Sally’s children, he assumed, noticing now that Josiah’s family buggy was missing.

  Deacon Amos fluttered his hand at Judah, signaling for him to wait right there. Respectfully, he backed away, but not before he saw Lettie’s red and puffy eyes.

  In the field to the north, two of Josiah’s uncles and several nephews were making hay – a mighty good day for it. He considered going to lend a hand to occupy himself but then decided against it, wondering if Lettie might not want to talk over the ministers’ decision later.

  Several grackles flew toward the backyard feeder, where they pecked at the grains of corn, then flitted back into the sky, toward a grove of distant trees. It crossed his mind that he hoped Lettie’s bird feeders were all filled at home. Surely, Grace would see to it – she and Yonnie. He smiled whenever he thought of the well-mannered lad. The fellow was just so likeable. And it looked as if Grace might be warming to Yonnie, too. After all, it was mighty clear he’d taken a real shine to her.

  Walking to the barnyard, Judah thought of all the many chores he ought to be doing. But, no, he wouldn’t permit himself to think that way today. No longer was his work more important than Lettie. He would remind himself daily, if that’s what it took. He wasn’t ever going to lose her again!

  At last, he heard the ministers coming near, talking amongst themselves as they fetched their horses from the stable. Instead of offering to help hitch up the horses for the bishop, deacon, and older preacher, Judah made a beeline back to his wife.

  She’d already gone inside when he walked up the few porch steps. He could hear her talking softly to the preacher’s children, and through the door, he watched her lightly touch their little blond heads, running her hand over their
necks and shoulders. “Your Mamma will be here soon,” he heard her say, her voice raspy from crying.

  Then, when he could stand it no longer, he lightly tapped on the screen door and announced himself. “Lettie... it’s Judah.”

  Her eyebrows rose and her face broke into a sweet smile. “Oh... I’m so glad you’re here.”

  She had one of the little girls in her arms, carrying her about as the child whimpered for her mother. Lettie hurried to the cupboard and gave her a graham cracker to nibble on. “There, there, honey-girl. This’ll make ya feel better.”

  Food always does. He smiled and glanced out the back window, where the bishop and the deacon were getting into the same buggy, talking a blue streak .

  “Would ya care for something to drink?” Lettie asked, getting the little one settled in the playpen again with her sister.

  “Just cold water,” he said, unable to take his eyes off her.

  Lettie went to the sink and ran the water, her fingers under the tap. “Can we talk ’bout the ruling the ministers made?” She carried the glass of cold water to him.

  “’Tis gut they came,” he replied. “I was here last night, Lettie... hope I didn’t wake ya,” he told her. “Wanted to see you... apologize.”

  Her lower lip quivered. “Aw, Judah.”

  “I wish I’d stayed after we talked Monday. I shouldn’t have run off like that.” He took a drink, then set the glass down. “Seems I’ve made a bad habit of that in recent years, and I’m sorry.”

  They sat on the worn sofa, facing each other. Lettie told him what the ministers had decided, calling her situation a special case. “They said if I choose to reveal my sins to the church, I won’t be shunned. If not, then I’ll be shunned for six weeks. After that time the bishop would welcome me back as a voting member once again.”

  He studied her eyes, the way her delicate brows framed the blue of them. Such pain she’d always carried there, and now he knew why. “What will you do, Lettie?” he asked.

  “When I first spoke with Preacher Josiah, I told him I was willing to be shunned, not knowin’ I could avoid it by revealin’ my sins.” Her words lodged in her throat. “But now, knowin’ this... I’ll most likely tell everything before the membership. Not to avoid the Bann, mind you, but so that I might feel free of my transgressions once and for all. And, too, I feel almost like I’ve already been shunned... by my own doin’, too. Bein’ gone so long and all.”

  Judah sensed she was willing to do whatever it took. He thought of pointing out the possible drawbacks to her but decided against it. After all, Lettie was the one who yearned to be free of her guilt. Who was he to say she couldn’t reveal to the membership the sins of her youth, just so they might spare the family’s name?

  “Are ya praying ’bout this?” he asked.

  “Ever so much.”

  “Then so be it.”

  For the first time ever, he helped her get a toddler down for a morning nap, then set up the other little Smucker girl with some blocks. Then, together, he and Lettie went to sit at the kitchen table, where he reached for her hand. “I’ll help see ya through what’s ahead.”

  Tears ran down her face. “Oh, Judah.”

  “I mean it... from here on out.”

  She wiped her eyes, her face so white. “There’s something else I’ve wanted to apologize for.” She sighed. “I never should’ve withdrawn all that money from the bank. I should’ve asked you first.”

  “Shh, love.” He stroked her face.

  “Should’ve told you what I had in mind.”

  “What’s done is done.”

  “But, still, I – ”

  “We’ll start fresh from this day forth.” With that, Judah rose and pulled her to her feet, taking her in his arms. “I’ve always loved you, Lettie. Always.”

  She nodded slowly and looked up, gently touching his beard. “I’m going to need you, Judah... for what’s comin’.”

  He slipped an arm around her waist, knowing she meant the kneeling confession. “We’ll trust the Lord for the outcome.”

  “Whatever it may be,” Lettie whispered, leaning her head on his chest.

  twenty-three

  Heather felt encouraged later that morning, and a visit from Sally Smucker – a true cancer survivor – was a big reason for it. She and Sally walked together along the creek bank and discussed Heather’s daily routine, as well as the various methods of cleansing. Everything from herbal methods to deep tissue massage and hydrotherapy – alternating hot and cold showers to jump-start the immune system. They both had a little laugh over people like the Polar Bear Club enthusiasts, who swam in icy waters in January, claiming it made them stronger.

  “But, hey, I’m open to anything natural that’s worked for others,” she said to Sally. “Within reason.”

  “An open mind and a cheerful spirit can be mighty helpful,” said Sally. “I needed a plucky attitude to help me get through detox... and beyond. The work of healing needs to continue when you leave this place, too,” Sally added. “The staff here gave me suggestions about further ways to continue healthful eating,” she said. “I was so grateful.”

  “I worry about that sometimes,” Heather admitted.

  Sally stopped walking and turned to face her. “What would you think of coming to live with me for a while after the lodge stay? I’d be happy to help oversee your diet, if you’d like.” She smiled with understanding. “It’d be too bad if you couldn’t continue, ’specially when you’re already making this kind of commitment.” Here, Sally glanced back toward the lodge.

  “You must be my guardian angel,” Heather said, greatly relieved.

  “Goodness, I’ve never been called that before.”

  “Well, I’m surprised.”

  “So, you’ll come?” Sally asked as they walked on toward the road.

  “It’s very nice of you, Sally. Maybe for a few days.” Heather wondered what her dad would say to this, since he’d mentioned last evening he was set on their seeing her oncologist as soon as possible to get a “medical opinion” of the results of her treatment here. Heather, though, thought she’d possibly seek a second opinion from another doctor. Dad might dig in his heels again....

  But... wait. What if LaVyrle was the one to suggest Heather stay on at Sally’s? She might simply put a bug in Dr. Marshall’s ear and let her persuade Dad. Perfect!

  Sally and Heather continued walking, the midmorning sun warm on their faces. The light filtered over them like a happy memory. Soon they came to a flat ledge overlooking the briskly flowing creek. “I came here to pray sometimes,” Sally said in a near whisper. Even to Heather, it seemed the ideal location for someone who felt they had to talk to God.

  “On my fifth day here, I actually felt like I might die.” Sally paused to look around. “I experienced a strange sensation over and over, like I was sinking. I can’t describe it really, but it frightened me... and I called out to the Lord that day from this very spot.”

  When they began walking again, Heather was glad to get her mind off the dreaded “fifth day.”

  “My strawberries are near ripe,” Sally said. “I’m goin’ to make jam next week with Marian Riehl and Adah Esh at Adah’s place.”

  “Oh, I’d love to observe your jam making, and I’d really like to see Marian Riehl again. What would you think of that?”

  “Comin’ to put up jam... or visiting with Marian?”

  Heather laughed at Sally’s delightful teasing.

  “You should join us, Heather.”

  “I certainly will.”

  “All right, then. A week from Friday’s the day – come in the morning. We’ll have us a right gut time together.”

  Lettie sat in their family buggy with Judah by her side, observing the beauty around them. It was the same stretch of road she’d ridden last Sunday night on the way to Preacher Smucker’s place. But now... now she was going home.

  Lettie suddenly realized she was literally holding her breath. She took in the verdant landsca
pe surrounding Beechdale Road, seeing it with new eyes. What will life be like for us... now that my family knows the ugly truth about me?

  She glanced at Judah, who seemed relaxed, the reins hanging loose in his tan, callused hands.

  “Nervous?” He reached for her hand.

  “A little hard not to be.” She was thankful for his touch. “And, to be honest, sometimes I worry what might happen if the girl I gave up appears on our front porch one day. How would you feel?”

  She couldn’t blame him for not answering right away. It was obvious from his face that Judah was working through the idea now, finding his way through the emotional upheaval she’d caused. A life-altering circumstance, for sure and for certain. I was awful selfish.

  She recalled Minnie’s words: “What if your daughter doesn’t want to be found?” She shuddered. She could only imagine what her poor children must be thinking; they’d said so little on the subject when she’d told them. Undoubtedly all the family preferred not to know.

  “If your long-lost daughter comes callin’, we’ll be well-mannered,” Judah said quietly.

  She turned, surprised. “I’m walkin’ on pins and needles... second-guessing near everything I’ve ever said... and done.”

  “Wouldn’t be natural otherwise.” He glanced at her, then back to the road. “Your mother says your child with Samuel wasn’t placed with an Amish couple.”

  “What?” She shook her head, aghast.

  “Adah has a letter with the doctor’s name and whatnot all.”

  “She does?”

  He merely nodded.

  Why didn’t Mamm tell me this yesterday? Unsure what to think, Lettie reminded herself to trust in the Lord. Oh, she must.

  She watched as the edge of Andy Riehl’s front lawn came into view, even before their grand old house appeared. Her eyes swept the sheep fence to the south and the grazing land closer to her own house. To the left, it looked like someone had come and scalped the little woodshed. She stared at it, taken with the structure, laid bare now for all to see. Without those miserable vines.