Revive

by Mary Wasowski

  “Hey, baby, you are a million miles away from me. Come back and keep your eyes on me,” Carter’s silky voice penetrated my deep thoughts and indeed brought me back to his attention.

  He hated when I closed my eyes. He looked so intently at me, it felt he was reaching inside my soul just to hang onto whatever I was willing to give him.

  “I’m here with you, Carter, and I’m yours. Please make love to me.”

  “Oh, I will, love, but first I am going to fuck away whatever is pulling you away from me, and bring you back to where you belong. We are so good together, Thea. Don’t you know this by now? I love you so much and want to marry you so we can be extraordinary together, but I need you to trust me.”

  “Carter, please. I do. You know I do. I just have a hard time.”

  “This I know, but let’s try to clear your mind anyway. Now, eyes on me, baby.”

  He wasn’t lying when he said he was going to fuck me hard. I had grip marks on each side of my hips. I always bruised when we had rough sex. I could barely open my legs, and he was rougher than usual. However, it’s not like I said no. The more he drove himself inside of me, the more I got off and craved him to go faster.

  Carter emptied himself inside of me, filling me so much that it ran down my legs. The sheets were a mess, but I was so exhausted that I just didn’t care. I opted to be held instead. Carter lifted me up, placed a spare blanket down, then climbed back into bed and held me for hours until we awakened by the sounds of our stomachs growling.

  He got up before me and prepared food. How he made anything to eat with the bare minimum I had in my fridge was a mystery, but who didn’t love grilled cheese? And he even managed to find a couple of Diet Cokes, but I wanted wine, which I never ran out of. After we ate and settled back into bed, Carter gave me a massage and asked me about my trip.

  I told him, “Carter, it was a long weekend. I’m glad it’s over, and I’m happy to be home.”

  What could I tell him about the 9/11 memorials? We mourned, we prayed, and then we gathered for the luncheon, where my past was staring me right in the face. Oh Nick! God, he must hate me for leaving again. It was such a cowardly act to do, but I just couldn’t deal with him and whatever he might have asked me. It was just pointless to go back to a time that hurt us both. He looked good, better than good. He was not only doing what he loved, but he was also running a successful bar and had his home. Why he never married was not for me to know; I lost that right a long time ago.

  Carter asked, “Happy to be home…as in Los Angeles? Or happy to be home…with me? Because I really would like to know. Talk to me baby, please.”

  “Both. Carter, when I left New York, I left the girl I once was and don’t want to be her again. I like this version of myself, and this version is in love with you and wants the life we have now, not the one that the old me had.”

  “Thea, you are just talking in circles. When we talked on the phone, you were irate and not willing to throw me anything of substance that I could hold onto, and now you do a complete 180, giving me exactly what I have been wanting to hear from you for months now. Why is that? And don’t try lying to me. I deserve more from you. I have given you two years, and that means something to me. If we are ever going to work, you need to let me fucking in! Here, baby, you need to let me in here.”

  He pressed his hand over my heart and pressed to almost the point of pain. God, I hated that I was so afraid of what his reaction would be, but it was now or never.

  I sat up and propped myself with the mound of pillows on my bed. He poured us two glasses of wine and waited for me to talk.

  “Carter, I am so sorry if I ever made you feel as if I was stringing you along and if my resistance to commit was hurting you. I do love you, and the last two years have been amazing. You are so fun to be with and make me laugh. And then there is the sexy alpha male side to you that completely turns me inside out. I have never felt such an intense rush of pleasure run through my body with such a force that I think I am going to pass out from it. You are in here, baby, I swear you are. Now, after I tell you some things from my past, you are going to have to decide if you wish to remain there. The choice will be yours.”

  “Thea, please don’t tell me that you cheated on me. The man you did it with may not survive after I beat him within an inch of his life.”

  “No, Carter, I did not cheat on you physically, but maybe I did a little emotionally. I have cheated you from getting to know the real me. The girl that left New York after college. The girl whose beloved father perished in the South Tower of the World Trade Center. The girl who decimated her best friend/boyfriend’s heart because she could not accept what he wanted to do with his life, so she was selfish and chose to let him go rather than stay and love him as she once promised him. So, yes, I did cheat on you, Carter. I have held so many parts of me from you that you are practically in bed with a stranger, and for that, I am very sorry.”

  His expression was unreadable, and then he threw the covers off him and got up from my bed. He was naked and running his fingers through his hair, a clear sign he was either hurt or frustrated, probably both.

  He reached for a clean pair of boxers from his drawer and then a t-shirt. I was still naked, wondering why he partially got dressed. I thought he was going to start packing a bag, and then he turned and climbed back into bed with me. Taking my glass from me and placing it down on the side table, he pulled me up close to him, and then he kissed me gently.

  “Hi, I’m Carter Ryan Newbanks, quite the mouthful, but blame my pretentious parents for that one.”

  He kissed me again, and then said, “And you are?”

  I couldn’t help but smile back. This was Carter once again making a bad situation better.

  “Hi, Thea Marie Falcone.”

  After I said my name, Carter shifted me until I was on top of his hard body. He held my face and lifted his head to kiss me passionately, deeply, and with one goal in mind: to make me his.

  “Listen to me, Thea. I am not blind to the fact that you are carrying some battle scars of your past. I see it in your eyes, I feel it when I touch you, and it breaks me when I hear it in your voice. I can’t even begin to understand what you and your friends have been through and how deep your loss runs when you lost your father on that day, but baby, you are the one that is still here. You lived and moved forward with your life, but there is still that little piece of you that is held back, and by what, I don’t know. But you are going to tell me tonight, no matter how much it hurts you to say the words to me, and no matter if it pains me to hear your truth. It needs to be said tonight.”

  “Yes, Carter, I will tell you everything. But first, please make love to me.”

  “I will, but first I need to get naked.” he said with a wink.

  “Why did you dress in the first place?” I asked.

  “I wasn’t sure if I could trust my naked body next to yours while hearing your story. I guess the clothes served as a barrier between us.”

  “I prefer you naked. Now, lose the briefs.”

  In a flash, he was. Carter made his intentions quite clear. Kissing me quickly, he pulled me closer to him.

  He ordered, “Sit up, baby, and ride me. Arch your back, and keep your hands at your side as I fuck you hard, deep, and oh so good.”

  I was so lost to Carter and let myself go to just feel him inside of me and the pleasure that followed. It was a synchronized motion as he pushed further inside of me. My body lifted off him and then back down to be impaled again and again. I was close to my release, and he was too. I could feel him tightening around me. Every time Carter was about to come, his eyes rolled and he was just as lost to our raw act of intimacy. We both let go nearly at the same time. I collapsed down to his chest, and he wrapped his arms around me and held me as tightly as he could. Our hearts were beating fast as we let out sighs of sated bliss. Without any effort at all, Carter rolled me to my back and then lifted me in his arms to carry me into the shower. He was gentle, loving, an
d so attentive to my every need. I loved and needed him so much. I would do everything from this moment on to make him as happy as he had made me. I had been gambling with my feelings for far too long now and taking too many chances with Carter’s heart.

  When he was done washing me from head to toe, he then carried me out with the same tender, loving care. After drying my hair, I dressed in panties and a camisole top and climbed back into bed to wait for Carter to return.

  Carter was still hungry, and my kitchen didn’t offer him many choices at the time. He ordered the usual from our favorite Thai restaurant, and we both shared story after story with each other, but there was still more to say. It was time to tell him about the past I kept from him. I needed to talk about Nick.

  Please don’t leave me after I tell you my truth, I silently prayed. We cleared the dishes and got ready for our talk.

  With Carter’s eyes intently on me, I began, “His name is Nick…”

  Having to sit through dinner and listen to mom and Frannie go on and on about everything from sewing needles to pasta sauce, I was about to take one of those needles and stab my freaking eye balls out. After hearing that Thea had left, I felt the floor just bottom out from under me.

  What the fuck is wrong with that girl? Is this her motto to just up and run every time life treats her hard? Or heaven forbid she doesn’t get her own damn way! I should have let things be after I left her at the luncheon, but then my mom went all Dr. Phil on me, and my mind had been fucked ever since that conversation.

  I have to know the truth, or it is going to continue to eat me up inside and I am never going to be able to fucking move on. Dammit, I deserve to be happy with someone that is going to give a fuck about me and my heart, and not trample on it like Thea did.

  Mom asked, “Hey, sweetie, do you want to talk about it? Can I make you a cup of tea or something to eat?”

  “No, ma. I’m okay.”

  “No, you are not, and I am so sorry for that. Frannie felt just awful for you tonight and didn’t know what to say, so talking about everything under the sun seemed better than actually speaking the truth on how hurt you were that Thea left.”

  “You know, mom, maybe I never really knew her at all, but she damn well owes me an explanation. If I have to fly out to California to get it, then that’s exactly what I am going to do.”

  “No, you can’t.”

  “And why the hell not? Aren’t you the one that keeps telling me that I either have to fight for what I want, or find the closure that will finally set me free once and for all?”

  “Yes and yes, but there is something you do not know, and I was not aware of it until tonight after I had some time alone with Frannie.”

  “What don’t I know? I know Thea fucking left…again! And she is still selfish and only cares about herself, because if she did give a shit, she would have stayed and talked to me. We were always friends first. What has changed her to the point that she has to flee thousands of miles away to avoid having a conversation with me?”

  “Her boyfriend of two years and soon-to-be fiancé.”

  No fucking way! Now I have heard it all. Where was her fiancé when she allowed me to push her up against the wall and kiss the shit out of her? Unless she’s stringing this guy along, she didn’t seem to care what I was doing to her, but for me to keep doing it. I was the one that stopped us from going any further, not that stupid fucker!

  “Nick, did you hear what I said? Are you alright?”

  “Yeah, I heard you, mom, and I am far from being okay. Listen, will you be alright here on your own? I need to go and clear my head for a little bit.”

  “Nick, please don’t do anything stupid. Thea has her life in California, and you have yours here. I am so sorry for ever filling your head with my romantic notions for a possible reconciliation between you two. I was wrong and should have just minded my own business. You are doing just fine, and it was not my place to force anything on you, at least of all a reunion with Thea. Please, son, forgive an old woman?”

  “Mom, you are not old, and there is nothing to forgive. Thea just has a way of making me lose my mind. She always did, and clearly after ten years, she still has me spinning. I don’t know why she left and I am too tired to care right now. I just need to go for a run and clear my head.”

  “Okay, I’m going to head to bed. My flight leaves early in the morning, and my car will be here by five. Give me a hug, my darling boy, just in case I don’t see you in the morning.”

  “Mom, I would never let you leave without saying goodbye. I would think you know me better than that.”

  “I’m sorry, son. I have seen this look before, and I know you are hurting.”

  “I’ll be fine. Go to bed, and I will see you in the morning right here at this table with the coffee on and with bagels from Carmine’s, okay?”

  “I love you, son,” she said.

  “I love you more. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  I kissed my mom on her forehead and made my way out for the longest run of my life. After ten miles, I thought I punished myself enough for being a sucker and checked in with my crew at my bar. We closed at midnight during the week, and by the time I walked in, the prep for tomorrow was nearly complete.

  Karen spotted me first and flashed me a sympathetic look.

  She asked, “Hey, can I fix you something?”

  “Yeah, double scotch neat.”

  “Coming right up.”

  My head was in my hands as I took the end seat at the bar.

  “Here you go, Nick.”

  “Thanks.”

  I downed my drink and asked for another, but instead of Karen fixing me another double, she leaned in and asked me if I wanted to talk.

  “If it’s all the same to you, I would rather just have the drink I ordered, okay?”

  She said nothing more and not only handed me my drink, but left the bottle. A few more drinks later and my head was flooded with too many thoughts of Thea…what we had together and what my mind kept retreating to. What if she had stayed with me all of those years ago? Would we have made it? Would she be happy? There’s just no point to what I am putting myself through.

  I remember hearing my mom and Frannie talk about Thea doing some local reporting when she first moved out to Los Angeles. They didn’t know I was listening, but you could tell how proud her mother was. I knew what she did was pretty much behind the scenes now, but in her earlier days, Thea was actually at the news desk and a natural at reporting. I kept remembering how amazing it was to know someone on television. She looked as if she had been doing it for years. Right out of college, she was showing the seasoned reporters how it was done.

  After our fathers died, I can’t even list how many times our moms were interviewed, and sometimes we were asked questions too. Thea always wanted to do something in the news industry, but after 9/11 and the documentaries that followed, she knew she wanted to produce real-life segments that had the ability to touch people’s lives. If only we had stayed together. She would have been famous, and we would have married, had kids by now, and been living happily with our family. Yeah right, Nick! You are fucking dreaming if you thought for one second that was how it was supposed to go.

  “Hey, Nick, wake up. It was closing time like two hours ago, and I called you a cab,” Karen said to me with a nudge.

  “I don’t need a cab, and I don’t have to go anywhere. This is my place. I will stay as long as I need to.”

  “Have it your way, Nick, but drowning in scotch is only going to make you feel like shit. At the end of the day, the princess still would have left for California, and life goes on.”

  “Yeah, Karen, thanks for the recap. Let me ask you a question. Why do you hate her so much? I mean, what is it?”

  She placed her bags down, grabbed a stool to face me, and said, “I don’t hate her. I just don’t like her very much. If it wasn’t for you and Tony giving a shit about me, I would have been so far outside of your circle of friends. I would have been
alone. Believe me, I know what that feels like, and it sucked then and sucks even more now.”

  She continued, “I get that I wasn’t the popular cheerleader in school or the cookie cutter do-gooder that volunteered at the animal shelter on a Saturday and played with the puppies all day long. No, while Thea, and her group were being all amazing, I was wiping up vomit after mom went on yet another bender to drown out her sorrows. My father gave his life for the job and even though I didn’t know exactly where he was on that day, I somehow knew it as soon as the South tower fell. A surge of pain just zipped through my heart, and I knew my father was gone. I lost my mother much later to the grief and despair that she couldn’t make it without him. You see, we weren’t the typical post- 9/11 family. We never had as much as your family or most of the families in the neighborhood. I certainly didn’t have what Thea had when she was mourning her father. Hell! Your father was treated like a king! Everyone loved Chief Bartelli.”

  “I’m sorry, Karen. I didn’t know.”

  “How could you? I kept to myself and did my own thing, but here’s something you should know about me Nick, because maybe it’s time I set the record straight. I was never a whore back in high school. I didn’t sleep with every footballer on the team, and I certainly didn’t do half the shit that was said about me. I heard some of the rumors after I wouldn’t make it with Richie Giovine, when that asshole told the entire school how I rode his dick all night long and couldn’t get enough. Isn’t that what he wrote on the bathroom wall? Yeah, I knew about that too. So fuck it! I didn’t dispute the rumors, I just played along. And if your merry group wanted to believe those lies, then it just proved to me what I already knew.”

  “And what’s that, Karen?”

  “Your girl? Her friends? All pathetic. And from the looks of her, she clearly is still the same self-absorbed and very selfish girl she was all those years ago. If she gave a rat’s ass about you, Nick, then she would have stayed and taken the time to hear you out. But it’s all about Thea and what she wants, so she made it about her and left. She got off easy with me telling everyone I slept with you the night of that party.”