My father entered the room and looked from me to my mother before he crossed the room to hug me. “How’s my girl?”
I hugged him with equal enthusiasm. “I’m good, Dad.”
“I left the tomatoes out in the mudroom by the sink, Helen.” He gripped my hand. “I’m taking my daughter outside so we can have a little chat.”
He’d probably heard about Dustin and me by now. If my mother knew, so did he.
I waited until we were seated at the large rectangular table on the patio before I said, “You look good, Dad. Retirement looks good on you.”
He raised a finger, chuckling. “Semi-retirement, my darling. Don’t put me out to pasture just yet.” He took my hands in his, looking into my eyes. “Tell me, how are you? Really?”
“I’m…” In many ways, I was better than I’d been in a long time. But like every sunny day, a few clouds were moving in to create unwanted shade. “Happy, for the most part. You know how it is, Dad. Life isn’t without a few challenges.”
“Tell me about your young man.”
I laughed, sitting back. “There’s nothing I could tell you about Dustin that you don’t already know.”
His lips twitched as he folded his hands over his stomach. “This is true. My summer son, I used to call him.”
I smiled. “I remember.”
“I’ll never forget when he came to me and asked for your hand in marriage. I wanted to object. I thought you were too young, but I saw that look in his eye when he talked about you, and I had no choice but to consent. I knew no one would ever love my baby as much as he did.”
I felt the tears welling in my eyes again. “I love him too, Dad. So much.”
“I cannot say I’m surprised you two found your way back to each other. I always suspected you would. But I want to caution you not rush into anything, Kara. Take your time. Get to know each other again. When the time is right, you will know.”
“Thanks, Dad.” I leaned over to kiss his cheek. I was happy I’d come. In their own ways, my parents had both given me the reassurance I needed about my future with Dustin.
***
Sarah may have been surprised to find me standing on her doorstep the next morning, but she welcomed me with open arms as always.
“I know I should have called first, but—”
“Get in here,” she said, pulling me into a hug. “You know you’re always welcome. But what are you doing back in Chicago?”
“Just a quick trip,” I said, following her into the kitchen. “Where’s Jordan?”
“He had to go into the office for a bit,” she said, smiling. “Some work to catch up on. Would you like some iced tea?”
“Sure, thanks.” I sat at their table, admiring the newly renovated kitchen. “The place looks great. You’ve done a lot of work since you moved in.”
“Thanks, we have.” She sighed as she set two glasses on the table. “Of course, this house is too big for the two of us. Four bedrooms.” She shook her head. “We were planning for the best-case scenario when we bought it, still trying to convince ourselves that everything would work out the way we wanted it to.”
I covered her hand with mine, trying to hide my anguish so I could comfort her. “Still no luck with the in vitro, honey?”
“No.” She squeezed my hand with a sad smile. “That was our last attempt. We’ve invested too much money that we don’t have. We can’t afford to do it again. Plus the disappointment…” She shook her head. “It’s just too much.”
“So what now?” I asked softly. I couldn’t believe they would give up on something they both wanted so much.
“We just take a break, I think. Regroup. Heal.”
“Heal?”
“It’s taken a toll on our marriage. Jordan and I fight a lot now.”
I saw the pain in her eyes and wished there was something I could say or do to make it easier for her. “I’m sorry.”
“Honestly, I don’t know where we go from here. I think we’re both bitter and resentful. We wanted this so much. We tried to stay positive and tell ourselves that this time would be different.” She cleared her throat before taking a sip of her drink. “Now, on top of our student loans, we have this big house and additional loans and no family to show for it.”
I would have happily loaned them money, but Sarah and Jordan were too proud to take it. “You’re not thinking about…” I couldn’t even say the word. Jordan and Sarah were perfect for each other. If their marriage couldn’t survive the stress of infertility, I couldn’t imagine any that could.
“Separating?” She swallowed repeatedly. “We’ve talked about it. Honestly, I don’t know what we’re going to do. Something like this brings some couples closer together, but it’s just driven us apart. I know Jordan would never say this, but I think he blames me.”
“No,” I said, reaching for her hand, “it’s not your fault.”
She tapped her temple. “Up here, I know that. But I’m the one with the problem, so I can’t help but feel it is kind of my fault.”
I sighed, trying to process everything she’d said. I’d never considered the toll infertility could take on a marriage. It had never occurred to me that a couple who was completely devoted to each other and deeply in love could separate because they couldn’t have the family they so desperately wanted. After my talk with my parents, I’d been feeling so much better about my future with Dustin. Now, I felt like I was back at square one, questioning everything.
“Enough about me,” Sarah said, forcing a smile. “Tell me about what’s been happening with you.”
I couldn’t confide in her now, not with all the problems she had to deal with. “Oh, you know how it is, same old, same old.”
Chapter Seventeen
Dustin
I hadn’t heard from Kara all weekend, and I was getting sick and tired of sitting around waiting for answers. I would camp out on her doorstep if I had to, but one way or another, I was going to find out what the hell was going on with her.
Catia answered when I banged on their door at eight o’clock on Sunday night. “How’d you get up here without buzzing up?” she asked, stepping back to let me in.
“Kara gave me the code when I spent the night. Sorry, I should’ve given you a head’s up.”
“No worries.” She closed the door before plopping down on the couch. “She’s not home yet, but you’re welcome to wait. You want something to drink?”
“No, thanks.” Unable to sit still, I wandered around and glanced at a notepad on the desk. “What’s this?”
She looked at her own scrawl and shrugged. “It’s a message I took for Kara. Apparently she has a follow-up appointment with her doctor.”
I thought back to the doctor’s appointment she’d mentioned last week. She’d gotten weird after that. There had to be some connection.
“Has she said anything to you about any medical problems?” I asked, setting the notepad back on the desk.
“No, why?”
“I’ve been getting a weird vibe from her lately. Something’s not right.”
She shook her head slowly as though she was considering the possibility. “No, it can’t be that. Maybe she just needs a little time to get used to the idea of you guys being a couple again.”
I paced, trying to leash the negative energy coursing through me. “You think I’m pushing her too hard? Has she said anything to lead you to believe that’s the case?”
Catia picked up a bowl of mixed nuts on the table and offered them to me before digging in when I refused. “No, but you know what she’s like. Sometimes you have to read between the lines. If she’s been quiet and reserved lately, what else could it be?” She shrugged. “I think you should just relax. Don’t push so hard.”
That was easy for Cat to say. To my knowledge, she’d never been in love or had her heart handed to her. For me, this felt like deja-freakin’-vu. But before I could argue, Kara walked in, looking startled to find me waiting for her.
“Hey,” she said
, setting her suitcase by the door. “I wasn’t expecting you to be here, Dustin. What’s up?”
“What’s up?” I demanded, fisting my hands at my sides. I will not lose it. I will not lose it.
“Uh, I think I’m going to head downstairs and get some time in on the treadmill,” Catia said, obviously sensing the tension. She sneaked into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge before grabbing her iPod and ear buds from the table by the door. “See you guys later.”
“Later, Cat,” I said, not taking my eyes off her sister. I took a deep breath before I asked the question I feared the most. “Do you not want to be with me, Kara? Is that what this is about?”
“What?” She paled before shaking her head. “No, that’s not it at all.”
At least she seemed genuinely appalled at the thought of ending our relationship. “Then what is it?”
She walked to the window on the opposite side of the open kitchen/living room combination. With her back to me, she said, “I know I’m making a mess of this, and I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to be patient with me just a little bit longer.”
I was tired of waiting for answers. If she couldn’t be honest with me, maybe we didn’t belong together. “And if I can’t?”
She turned, looking shocked and horrified that I was backing her into a corner. “You would break up with me just because I’m asking for a little more time before I tell you what’s bothering me?”
“Yeah, I would. Only because I’ve been through this with you before and swore I wouldn’t do it again.”
A tear glided down her cheek, and she brushed it away, making me wish I didn’t have to take such a hard line with her. I loved her more than anything, but I couldn’t survive another loss like the last one. If it had to end this time, it would be on my terms.
She bit her lip, glancing at me. “If that’s the way you feel, I guess there’s nothing left to say, is there?”
“Really?” My anger was rising, displacing my sadness and fear. “It’s that easy for you? You’d just let me walk out that door like I meant nothing to you?”
“You mean everything to me,” she whispered. “It’s because I love you so much that I need to make sure this is right before we take it any further.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” I asked, throwing up my arms as I turned away from her. “You’re not making any sense. None of this is making any sense!” My eyes landed on the notepad, and I remembered her doctors’ appointments. Turning around slowly so I could gauge her reaction, I asked, “Are you sick? Is that why you’re trying to push me away, in some misguided attempt to protect me?”
Her laugh came out in a huff as though she’d lost her breath. “No. What are you talking about?”
“You had a doctor’s appointment last week.” I held up the notepad. “You have another one tomorrow. Why? What’s going on?”
“Nothing.” She wrapped her arms around her midsection. “It’s just a gynecological issue. Not the kind of thing a woman wants to discuss with her boyfriend, if you know what I mean.”
I rolled my eyes at her lame excuse. “That’s bullshit, and we both know it. You’re hiding something from me. What is it?” If it wasn’t a medical issue, it had to be something else. “Are you seeing someone else? Have you been talking to that fisherman again? Is he trying to convince you that you belong with him instead of me?”
“Are you even listening to yourself right now?” she asked, hiding her face behind her hands. “You’re being ridiculous.”
I crossed the room and grabbed her upper arms. “All I know is that you’re lying to me. There is something wrong. I know it. I feel it. If it’s not your health and it’s not another guy, what the hell is it?” When she closed her eyes instead of responding, I shook her slightly, wishing I could shake some sense into her. Couldn’t she see what she was doing to us? “You say you love me. Prove it.”
“Dustin, I can’t…”
Before she could finish, I dropped my hands, glaring it her. “You have five seconds before I walk out that door for good.” When she lowered her head, I said, “If I leave, that’s it. I’m done. We’re done.” This felt achingly familiar, but I was praying for a different outcome.
“Don’t do this. The first time, I made a mistake. This isn’t like that. I’m not questioning our relationship. I want a future with you. I just need a little more time to figure out what that will look like.”
This girl had my head spinning. “You’re not making any sense. Have you been drinking?”
“No,” she said, stepping back as she rubbed her index finger between her arched brows. “But I sure as hell could use a drink now.”
I gestured toward the kitchen. “Don’t let me stop you. Have a drink. Have the whole goddamn bottle for all I care. I’m out of here.”
I was halfway to the door when she said the words that almost stopped me in my tracks. “I love you, Dustin. Just try to remember that.”
***
Kara
I was on my second drink by the time my sister returned from her workout.
“Hey,” she said, setting her iPod on the table. “Dustin gone?”
“For good,” I said, biting my lip to keep tears from falling. I hadn’t shed a tear since he walked out, not because I didn’t want to but because I felt numb.
“What?” Catia rounded the chair I was sitting on and eased herself down on the couch, leaning forward so our knees were touching. “Don’t tell me you broke up. Come on, Kara, that man loves you. He would do anything for you, and I know—”
“It’s better this way,” I said, taking a healthy swig of the vodka and tonic. “He’ll hurt for a little while, but hey, maybe he’ll get back together with Jana. She’s better for him. She can give him things I can’t.”
She frowned at the glass. “What are you talking about? What can she give him that you can’t?”
“A family.”
Catia lunged for the vodka bottle when I reached for it to top up my glass. “No, you’re not doing this again. You used alcohol as a crutch the last time you broke up with Dustin. I’ll be damned if I sit by and let you do it again.” She held the bottle against her chest. “This time you’re going to talk about it. You’re going to tell me why you think you can’t be with him.”
“I just did.”
“Why can’t you have a family with…?” Her eyes drifted to the desk. “That doctor’s appointment. There is something wrong, isn’t there?”
“Yeah, there’s something wrong.” I tossed the rest of my drink back, squeezing my eyes shut to conceal the burn. “I’m defective.”
“Shut up,” Catia said, slapping my leg. “Don’t say that. Just tell me what’s wrong. What did the doctor say?”
“I have endometriosis.”
“Shit,” Catia whispered. She knew what that meant. Sarah was her friend too.
“Yeah. Sucks, right?”
“It really does.” Catia leaned forward to cover my knee with her hand before setting the bottle on the table. “But that doesn’t mean you have to break up with Dustin. He doesn’t know, does he?”
“No. I have another appointment with the doctor tomorrow. I was hoping he’d give me at least that long to get some answers, but I guess he ran out of patience.”
“He knew there was something wrong,” Catia said, biting her lip. “He asked me if it was a medical problem.”
“What did you say?” I reached for the bottle, and this time, she didn’t try to stop me. I was drinking it straight now, but it didn’t matter. I’d feel like shit tomorrow with or without the alcohol. I may as well indulge to get through the night. If I was lucky, I’d pass out instead of crying myself to sleep.
“I tried to play it off, but I saw the prescription bottle under the bathroom sink,” she said. “I knew something was going on, but I figured you’d tell both of us when you were ready.”
I hadn’t taken any of the anti-inflammatories the doctor prescribed. I’d had pain,
but maybe if I didn’t take anything for it, I could convince myself I didn’t really need it. Maybe my case was really mild instead of moderate and I’d be one of the lucky ones who could still have children.
“You have to tell him,” Catia said. “He deserves to know.”
“No, he doesn’t.” I wanted to make Dustin out to be the bad guy, the one who’d been too impatient and insensitive to give me the time I needed to process my new reality.
“I know you think you’re doing him a favor by letting him go, but you’re not. That man loves you. He wants to be with you no matter what. Who cares if you can’t have kids? You can always adopt.”
“And how do you know he’d be okay with that?” I demanded, content to take my anger out on her. I loved my sister, but she knew how to push all my buttons. “Maybe he wants to have a child of his own.”
“What he wants is to spend the rest of his life with the woman he loves!”
“What the hell do you know about love?” I threw another shot back before reaching for the bottle. “You’re sitting here, hiding out like a goddamn coward, while the best man you’ve ever met is sitting across town, wondering why you won’t give him a chance! You’re the pathetic one! At least I have a legitimate reason for not being with Dustin. What’s your excuse?” Catia looked stunned, and I immediately felt guilty for lashing out at her. “Cat—”
“No, screw you,” she said, raising her hand. “You want to stay here and wallow in self-pity, be my guest. Just don’t expect me to join in.”
The tears finally came with the slam of the door. It would only be a matter of time before I shut everyone out.
Chapter Eighteen
Dustin
I was packing when the doorbell rang. I considered ignoring it, but it may have been my general contractor, so I ran down the stairs to answer it. Just because I was going through hell didn’t mean I could afford to let my projects come to a grinding halt.
When I saw Catia standing on the other side of the door, I wished I’d let her leave. I didn’t have anything against Kara’s family, but I couldn’t deal with this today. It had been six days since I’d walked out on Kara, but it wasn’t getting any easier. That was why I was leaving the Hamptons for a while. I couldn’t stand to be there anymore, not without her.
Kara (Starkis Family #4) Page 16