When I Look to the Sky

by Barbara S. Stewart

  “Some of you have been here before, and you know that each year we are together, we talk about cancer. We talk about different cancers that we are familiar with. This year I am going to tell you about one that I know of personally.”

  Andy watched her from the back of the room and thought his chest would burst with pride. Matthew was busy moving around taking pictures.

  “How many of you love to swim?” The kids all responded by cheering. “I know! Me too! How many love the beach? And boats? And jet skis? Playing ball, picnics and all that outdoor stuff?” With each question she paused as the kids responded with more cheering.

  “And you just hate when someone says, “Remember the sunscreen!” All you can think about is getting into the water, or playing, right?” she asked. “And then, right in the middle of your fun, someone makes you stop to come get more sunscreen? It’s annoying, right?”

  The kids all replied with a loud “Yes!”

  “When I was almost four, Mel came into my life. I was just a little girl and I had a mama that I loved very much. When she was young, she loved to go to the beach, only waaaaaay back then people didn’t use sunscreen so much, because they didn’t know what we know now. My mama loved to have a tan, and be in the water, just like you!”

  “But one day something bad happened. She found a mole, you know; one of those brown things, only hers was kind of ugly and it turned out to be a really bad thing. Mel…”

  “Mel is what I call Melanoma. It’s a type of skin cancer. For my mama, they didn’t catch it soon enough and Mel took her away from me. My mama is how Butterfly Camp became a place for all of us to come and share what we think and feel about cancer. It’s been almost fourteen years and I miss her every day.”

  “I had an idea a while back and I wrote a letter to Suntone Sun Products. I told them about my mama, and then I told them about all of you, and how much I love you. Not long after I wrote that letter, I had a phone call from a nice man named Tony Gamble. We talked for a long time. Later, he sent me this letter and asked me to read it to you. And when we got here these boxes were waiting for me!”

  Hello Butterfly Campers,

  What an awesome opportunity you have to share your experiences with each other. I was very happy to hear from Ms. Carlee. Her story made me think, I love my mom and I can’t imagine if I had lost her at such a young age as Carlee did. She told me about ‘Mel’ and shared her idea with me.

  I’m happy to tell you that you are receiving the first batch of DO YOU KNOW MEL t-shirts ever printed! We are taking Carlee’s idea and making a series of public service announcements, TV commercials, to talk about sun protection. Carlee will be in these talking about ‘Mel.’ You will be seeing the first one that will begin airing on TV very soon. You all get to see it first! There will be more, but this one is ready to roll so we decided to share it with you.

  I’ve also sent two cases of sunscreen for you to use while you are at camp. I hope you have a great time, and remember; we don’t want any of you to know Mel. Take Cover! Cover your bodies with sunscreen again and again and again! Cover your head; cover up with a shirt when you can. Just take cover!

  God Bless you all and your camp experience,

  Tony

  When she finished reading, the lights dimmed and the projection screen lowered and was filled with Carlee wearing the same lime green t-shirt.

  My name is Carlee. When I was four years old my mama met Mel and our lives were forever changed. Mel is Melanoma, a type of skin cancer. I hope that none of you ever have a Mel encounter. I’ve teamed with Suntone Sun Products to bring awareness to help you avoid Mel. Sunscreen is the best way to make sure Mel doesn’t come into your life. So no matter what you are doing, take cover! Apply sunscreen again and again… And for goodness sake, remember your top! The top of your feet, the top of your head and the top of your ears are exposed! We want the only ‘fry day’ in your week to be the one that comes after Thursday.

  Afterward, the lights came back up and everyone started cheering and applauding. Matthew and Andy were on their feet whistling. One of the little boys started chanting ‘Carlee! Carlee! Carlee!’ And soon everyone joined in.

  Carlee stood on the stage with tears rolling down her cheeks. “Stop!” she laughed, “You’re making me cry!”

  After dinner, everyone was sitting around the campfires. The camp had four fire pits and they were all gathered around talking and laughing about their first day at camp. Carlee hadn’t stopped since the opening program so there hadn’t really been an opportunity to see Matthew or Andy since they arrived. Now was chill time, and she was sitting at the campfire with a group of kids.

  Andy walked to where Carlee was sitting. “Superstar!” he yelled, throwing his hands in the air, like the Molly Shannon character, Mary Katherine Gallagher, on Saturday Night Live. He slid into the space beside her, slipped his arm around her shoulder and squeezed. “Carlee, I’m so proud of you!”

  Matthew sat down across the fire from them, watching, taking pictures of the gathering. He couldn’t determine if the glow on Carlee’s face was from the flames, or that inner glow that he loved. He always loved seeing the exchange between her and Andy. She looked up and saw him watching her. She turned to Kyle the little guy seated beside her, cupped her hands, and whispered in his ear. He rose and walked to where Matthew was sitting.

  “Miss Carlee told me to ask if you wanted to trade seats with her.”

  “No, but how about I trade seats with you?” Matthew teased.

  “She said you would say that,” he laughed.

  He went and sat beside Carlee and gave Kyle two thumbs up. He reached for her hand and the kids all started a teasing, “Ooh!”

  With Matthew on one side of her, and Andy on the other, all in Carlee’s world was perfect, and she smiled…

  They toasted marshmallows and laughed into the night. Finally some very tired campers made their way to the cabins for ‘lights out.’

  Matthew waited until the kids were tucked away in their cabins. He found Carlee and asked if they could take a walk. It was the first real alone moment they were able to steal away, the whole day.

  “Is kissing against camp rules?” he asked.

  “It is,” she replied, grabbing his shirt pulling him to her, “for the kids!”

  “What an exciting day,” Matthew said. “What a great surprise!”

  “Do you know how hard it was for me not to tell you?” she asked. “I was about to bust a dozen times, so excited! Who knew Suntone would respond like they did! It’s that thing from Gandhi; ‘If you don’t ask, you don’t get.’ I hoped for the sunscreen, but boy, I got way more than I dreamed, when I asked!” she laughed.

  “That PSA you saw today starts airing tomorrow during the 6:30 National evening newscast on the major networks! No one at home knows about it yet! When Suntone called me about the PSAs they asked about local TV stations and I immediately thought of LaDonna Martin. They contacted her and I snuck to the station to record that one after class a few weeks ago. She kept it a secret, acting like we’d just met when you were there! I sent a text to everyone to watch the news tomorrow, because I had a surprise!”

  They reached the lake and Matthew pulled Carlee into his embrace. “I’ve waited all day to feel you like this,” he said pulling her close.

  Her head on his chest, his heart beating softly in her ear, she responded, “I’ve waited all day to be here…”

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN ~ It’s All a Gift

  The next day was a full schedule with activities and workshops scheduled for the kids. The workshops were really what the camp was all about. Some talked about their own illness, some talked about a family member, but almost all of them talked. Carlee sat in on one of the sessions. Alison Mayheart was the counselor who was leading it. Alison started at the camp as a teenager dealing with her own family cancer issues. She went on to school and was now there as a counselor. Carlee listened and watched, her heart broke with each word, and she reflected on her years the
re.

  ~ ~ ~

  Carlee was eight the first year she went. It was the ‘Grand Opening’ of the camp. It was something Beth dreamed of, and everyone thought it would be good for her to go, but she went because she wanted to. There were no buses the first year, and only a few kids went. Andy took her and stayed for the opening ceremonies. After the parents left, all the kids gathered to talk and share their experiences. She watched and listened. The first year it was mostly the counselors and the older kids. The younger ones were afraid to talk, so they just listened.

  She wanted to go back the following year because it helped. She liked being with kids who knew how she felt. That year she talked a little, but not about the cancer. She didn’t want to talk about sickness, so she talked about her mama. All she knew was she missed her, and that’s what she talked about. Other kids opened up too. They talked about those they lost or were afraid of losing because they were sick, and some of the kids talked about being sick and being scared.

  Some of the same kids were able to come back each year and they developed kinships. When she was eleven, she met Alison; she was fourteen, one of the older girls. She talked about her mom who’d just been diagnosed with breast cancer. Carlee listened as she talked about her fears. She didn’t want to, but Carlee could remember her mama being sick, she was so young when she died that Carlee didn’t really remember details.

  The next year she and Alison were together again, and she loved it. She loved Alison. They always paired younger kids with an older one in the cabins as ‘teen guardian.’ Alison’s mom had just passed away a few months before. Listening to Alison talk about her mom’s illness and death made Carlee cry. Later, in the cabin, Alison hugged her and told her it was OK because her mom wasn’t sick and didn’t hurt any more.

  Alison’s first year as a junior counselor was when Carlee was thirteen. In the cabin the first night, Carlee told her she wanted to talk about her mama, but it scared her. The next day, Alison encouraged one of the counselors to talk about the type of cancer Beth had. They explained it to the kids, and it made it a little easier for Carlee to understand.

  When she was fourteen, Carlee helped as a teen guardian with some of the smaller kids. They looked up to her like she did Alison. That was the year Carlee knew she would be there every summer she could. She worked with the older counselors to learn how to talk to other kids about what she had experienced. They taught her how to share her personal story.

  When she was fifteen, she attended camp dealing with the loss of her dad. She worked closely with the grief counselors, and learned how to deal with her loss. She knew then, what path she wanted to take going forward in her career choices. She wanted to help other kids be able to express their fears and loss, and move on without those they loved. She wanted to help them be able to talk about the fear of their treatment, as well as the family illnesses.

  ~ ~ ~

  Matthew was off doing his thing, capturing each moment he could. He popped in and out of the sessions. He quietly entered the room, not knowing Carlee was attending that session. She was sitting on the floor Indian-style, leaned over with her elbows on her knees. She was so engrossed in the talk that she didn’t even notice him. Her eyes, the expression on her face, it all told a story, and he got several pictures of her before she saw him, and smiled.

  This year was different for Matthew. The previous year he just took pictures; but it was deeper for him this time. He felt more of a connection to the entire camp experience. His pictures caught emotion, feeling, love, and grief this time. Sharing the photos of Carlee during the session, with her, so concentrated on what was going on, made her remember those feelings, and they made her cry.

  The next day Andy was anxious. Carlee could hardly stand the suspense. The music store would be arriving later that day with the guitars, but Andy eluded, more than once to a surprise.

  Carlee ran from session to session, dropping snacks off to each group, making sure that everything was going OK. Then she would run back with a wagon filled with coolers of water and sodas. Matthew couldn’t keep up with her. She noticed that Andy was nowhere to be seen. She wondered, but didn’t have time to dwell on it.

  Around two that afternoon, the van from the music store arrived. She ran over to greet, and thank them. Just as Andy and Matthew walked up, the side door to the van opened, and Carlee screamed as Nathan Perry, Traveler’s keyboardist, and Andy’s good friend, popped thru the door.

  “Nathan! What are you doing here?” Carlee yelled, throwing her arms around him as he grabbed her. “Papa!” she yelled as she turned to Andy. “Thank you! The kids will be so happy!”

  Andy introduced Matthew as Carlee’s ‘intended’; and she loved the sound of it.

  Dinner that night was hot dogs and burgers on the grills at the fire pits. Andy and Nathan set stools near the fire pits, so that all the kids could hear them. First they brought up any child who had any experience on the guitar at all. Most of those with any knowledge knew basic chords, so they played songs with those. Nathan and Andy got them going on a Tom Petty song, “Free Falling”. One of the boys told them he knew “Smoke on the Water”.

  Of course he does, Andy thought, and laughed. Every young boy learns that piece, and Iron Man, no matter what age they are!

  Nathan was having a ball working with those who came forward. By the time they finished, three of the older kids were able to play a rough version of “Eight Days a Week” by the Beetles.

  Later, Nathan and Andy played some old Traveler classics. The kids who had been to camp more than once had heard them. Carlee brought Traveler music with her each year. They sang along and shared a great evening.

  Nathan bunked with Carlee, Matthew and Andy, but there wasn’t much sleep that night. There was a lot of catching up. Carlee loved Nathan being there, loved the old Traveler stories they told. Being able to share that with Matthew was very special. If Nathan hugged Carlee once, he hugged her ten times, and with each squeeze she was happier that he was there.

  “I have a surprise,” Matthew said, finally.

  “What is it?” Andy asked.

  “I had a call today from the National Institute of Photography,” he paused, “you are looking at the 2017 recipient of the Award for Deep Perspective Photography! I already called Mom, but I wanted it to just be us when I told you!”

  Carlee jumped up to hug him. “I am so proud of you, so proud of that book!”

  Andy rose and hugged him. “This is exciting news!”

  “They don’t have a ceremony or anything. They’ll send the award and… a check for five thousand dollars next week! There will be an announcement in National Photography magazine. It gets my name out there and re-promotes the book!”

  The next day Andy and Nathan spent time picking and teaching the kids to play some songs.

  It was a busy week, and the closer it got to the end, the more the emotions and sadness started to show. The kids developed relationships and found release of emotions that they previously were unable to share or express. It was always bittersweet.

  At the closing ceremonies, parents who were willing to make the journey to the camp were able to attend. There was a crowd as Carlee once again took the stage.

  “Hello butterflies! Wow! What a week we’ve shared…” She choked back the lump she felt in her throat as she spoke, “This is my eleventh year here, and each year I think it couldn’t ever be better, but somehow it always is. During this week you’ve made new friends, and reconnected with old ones too. You’ve learned a lot, and shared even more. We’ve emerged from our cocoons!”

  “I have something special to share with you! Many of you were here last year, and you know about the book my boyfriend, Matthew, did of pictures from camp.” She held up a copy. “We just found out that he won an award for his book! Can you give him a big round of applause?” The kids started to cheer. Matthew stood and took an animated bow.

  “Papa asked for a few minutes, and I understand that there is a surprise coming for
us.” She stepped aside as Andy and Nathan came to the stage. Some of the counselors were pulling stools to the front as the kids were grabbing guitars when Andy motioned for them to join them.

  Andy and Nathan started them playing, and then softly sang, so the kids could be heard, as they played the song by Green Day, “Good Riddance”.

  So make the best of this test, and don’t ask why

  It’s not a question, but a lesson learned in time

  It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right.

  I hope you had the time of your life.

  Everyone clapped and cheered as they finished. Andy and Nathan rose from their stools directing the applause to the kids. As they left the stage, Andy and Nathan remained.

  Carlee went back to the microphone and said, “Campers, we are butterflies now, ready to take flight!” She wiped her eyes and began, “I hope to see you back here next year! I’ll be here!”

  Andy asked for another moment. “I have another surprise for you,” he said to her. “Nathan…”

  “We have a special presentation,” Nathan began. Two of the younger girls walked up with a big piece of cardboard, the blank side facing the audience.

  “Campers, since you don’t have drums, you can pretend by stomping your feet, but come on, I need a big drum roll! Let’s make some noise!” Andy yelled, and the kids were happy to oblige, stomping loudly. It sounded like roaring thunder.

  Matthew was running around taking pictures. Carlee had no idea what was happening as Dean Rollins, the President of the Cancer Foundation walked to the stage.

  “Hello butterflies!” he yelled. “I’m so happy to be here with you today! We are so proud of this camp, how it’s grown, and the experience you are able to share each year. And, we’re thrilled for opportunities to make this experience better and better, for more and more kids just like you.”