When I Look to the Sky

by Barbara S. Stewart

  As everyone was leaving, Ronnie came and sat beside her, slipping her small arm around Geni’s back, a move that had her fighting tears. “I heard you’re going to help us bake cookies tomorrow!”

  “I sure am!” Geni told her.

  “I can’t wait!” Ronnie said. “I’ve never made real cookies before. Chocolate chips are my favorite, but not the ones with the nuts,” she added with a whisper, like it was a big-secret. Geni held her breath again, thinking of Carlee. She blinked back tears as Ronnie hugged her.

  “I’ll see you later,” Ronnie said, smiling the biggest smile Geni had ever seen as she hugged her once more.

  Geni was getting ready to leave, when Amber joined her. “Thank you. Sorry I blindsided you. I could see your emotions. I knew it would help Ronnie, and you. First time here…?”

  “First cancer experience,” she said. “I came for several reasons; first because I wanted to know what Carlee has been through losing her mama, and…”

  Amber smiled and finished her sentence, “Carlee’s passion!”

  “She really is passionate about all of this!”

  “What was the other thing?” Amber asked.

  “I lost my husband in November. I need to learn my own grieving process, I guess,” Geni smiled.

  Amber hugged her, “I can’t think of a better place, or more passionate, caring people to surround yourself with. I am sure looking forward to those cookies!”

  As the two parted ways, Geni thought about what she’d just experienced. Her heart was full of love, for her family, but especially loves for Carlee. It overwhelmed her. She took the path toward the lake. Matthew saw her and noticed she was crying. He started to head that direction, and then he saw Andy walking that way, and he waited.

  “Hey,” Andy said when he reached her. “How’d that go?”

  “Wow,” Geni said. “Wow… wow… wow…”

  “Wanna talk about it?” he asked.

  “Nah, I’m good,” she replied.

  “You sure? I saw you headed toward the lake. I’m a good listener.”

  “No, really, I’m alright,” she told him again.

  “If you change your mind…” he said and hugged her.

  She hesitated, but found herself hugging him back. They both pushed back, quickly, alarm seeming to run up their spines.

  “Really, I’m good. I think I’ll go to the cabin and wash my face; all that crying made me puffy,” she smiled. “I’ll see you in a bit.”

  After she walked away, Andy had to take a minute to regroup. Aside from Carlee, he hadn’t felt a woman in his arms in a long time.

  Matthew observed, and liked what he saw. He liked Andy, a lot. Not because he was Carlee’s papa, but because he was a good man. It seemed he learned from his mistakes and moved on. Matthew just kept coming back to the fact that he was a good man.

  Carlee was heading toward him; when she got there he whispered in her ear, “Must we sneak off to the bushes for me to hug you?” he laughed, as she folded herself into his arms.

  “Nope, what’s going on?” she sighed and looked up at him.

  “I’m just happy I’m here with you.”

  At the campfire that night, Carlee noticed something different in Geni. She slipped into the spot beside her and put her arm around her.

  “Well, this is nice,” Geni said, hugging her.

  “You OK? You seem kinda quiet this evening. I know that first session experience is always hard.”

  “It was good, enlightening, life changing,” she said. Looking up, she saw Andy looking at her, and remembered his words. She looked to her left and saw Ronnie approaching.

  “Well, hello darlin’!” she said as Ronnie threw herself into Geni’s arms. “Carlee, have you met my new friend, Ronnie?”

  “I have not!” Carlee said in a happy voice.

  “Carlee, this is Ronnie. Ronnie, this is Carlee, my daughter-in-law,”

  “My name is really Veronica, but my daddy calls me ‘Ronnie,’ and now that I have no hair it messes with people,” she giggled as she hugged Carlee, bringing a laugh from Carlee and Geni.

  Matthew was across the fire pit with the camera making sure he got several shots of the exchange, all of it - Carlee and Geni, Geni and the little girl - it was all so beautiful to him.

  He made his way to where Andy was sitting. “Isn’t she beautiful?” he asked when he sat down.

  “Carlee, the little girl, or your mom?” Andy laughed.

  “You can keep that response personal, to yourself, if you’d like,” Matthew said with a grin.

  “All of them,” Andy said quickly. “All of them,” he repeated.

  Tuesday was a day of play and planning. Nathan arrived early and he and Andy were busy with the kids. They both had portable keyboards with them, and the music shop loaned guitars once again for their use.

  Carlee, Geni and Alison were getting everything in place for the ‘the cookie brigade’ the next day. The three of them were in charge of dinner that evening. They made macaroni and cheese, talking and laughing the whole time.

  Early Wednesday morning it began. Geni got the sugar cookies going. The camp kitchen had a huge mixer and the kids took turns, helping measure and dump the ingredients for several batches of the sugar cookies into the large bowl. She couldn’t believe how many of them told her they had never made ‘real’ cookies.

  There were four large long work tables and Geni had the kids patting out dough, some of them so small they had to stand on chairs to reach the tables. There was much laughter, and lots of giggles from the kids, as well as the grown-ups. Matthew appeared several times to capture it all in pictures. They cut the cookies with cookie cutters Carlee had ordered in the shape of butterflies. Geni helped them mix frosting and color to decorate cookies for the contest.

  Matthew took lots of pictures when they finished. The kids proudly displayed their cookies, frosted, sprinkled and dusted, with sugar glitter for the judging. It was the biggest mess Geni had ever seen, and she loved it all.

  At their assembly Thursday morning, the kids took their seats and waited. Carlee took the microphone; “Well, here we are! Cookies are all decorated but has anyone been able to eat one? Noooo!” she said, extending the sound of the word. “And you are just so ready to sink your teeth into one of those cookies, aren’t you?” The kids responded with a loud ‘yes!’ “But we have a contest going on!”

  “I know those who decorated cookies know which one is yours, but our judges don’t know! So here we go! Judges?” she said calling them forward. Carlee lined up several of the kids and other counselors who didn’t participate in the decorating as judges.

  “We have a trophy for the winner, but the real prize is that our winner gets to pick the first cookie to eat. Any cookie you want, including the ones not in the judging! Good luck!”

  She asked Nathan to help with the judging. He and the other judges made their way around the table. They whispered as they went, sharing thoughts. Finally, Nathan went to Carlee, and whispered in her ear.

  “We have a winner! Nathan, please announce the results,” she said.

  “Give me one of those foot stomping drum-rolls!” he shouted, and the kids were happy to oblige.

  He walked to the table and picked up a paper plate with a colorful, sparkly cookie. Matthew joined him to photograph the cookie before the reveal and announcement. Nathan then walked to the center of the stage.

  He held the plate up high to read the name on the bottom. The kids were getting anxious. “And the winner is… Dezzie Ammon!”

  “Desmond! Come up here!” Carlee yelled and the little boy did sprints to the stage. She handed him the trophy, and he was giddy.

  “Pick your cookie, young man!” Nathan said.

  He ran to the table, not the one where the cookies were displayed for judging, but the table that had the other cookies. He found the one with the most frosting, and with a big toothless grin, bit into it, as Matthew snapped and snapped to assure he got several shots. Dezzie
had frosting all over his face and Matthew got it all in pictures.

  That night, there was a sing-along around the camp-fire, and everyone enjoyed cookies. Nathan and Andy led them in several songs and those who could, played along. Geni was sitting with Carlee, loving every second of the experience.

  She leaned and whispered in Carlee’s ear, “Thank you, for being the exceptional young woman you are, and for sharing this beautiful experience with me. I had no idea what to expect, but I think I will leave this place a better person than when I came.”

  “No, thank you! Thank you for being open-minded and being suckered in!”

  “Bamboozled,” Geni said and laughed as she hugged Carlee.

  Later that evening, Andy noticed that Carlee was quiet. He sat with her and asked, “You OK this evening?”

  “I think I ate too many cookies,” she laughed. “My tummy feels kinda nauseous, and I have a bit of a headache. I took something; it just needs to kick in.”

  On Friday, Carlee was up and out the door at daylight. Getting everything in order for their closing ceremony, Matthew hadn’t seen her since she left the cabin. She was busy, running around all morning.

  Dean Rollins arrived later, for a special presentation. A bulldozer was on the land adjacent to the camp that Geni donated. The operator had been busy clearing an area all morning. They’d laid boards as a path, and everyone gathered close by. Matthew was running around capturing every moment he could in pictures.

  Dean Rollins spoke, “Greetings butterflies! Welcome family and friends! Wow! I just love coming back here each year. First, to see all the smiles, hear the giggles, and the laughter. I see you emerge from those cocoons each year and, I love the outcome, watching as you take flight. This year we have a special presentation. Andy?” Dean said.

  The kids assembled, and Andy got them started strumming; then he and Nathan started singing “Stand by Me,” by Willie Nelson.

  Whenever you’re in trouble won’t you stand by me,

  Oh now stand by me

  Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me…

  “Thank you for the gift of music you’ve added these last two years! Now it’s time for the reason we’re gathering here instead of in the meeting hall.”

  “Carlee Ol… Davis, sorry! It’s still new to me,” he laughed. She joined him where he was standing. “Carlee Davis, what you give each year and share with us is amazing. I pray each day for another year of your passion here with us.”

  “I’m not going anywhere; I’ll just keep bringing my family with me,” she said as Dean put an arm around her, squeezing her shoulder.

  Matthew watched her, proudly, but noticed that she seemed more subdued than usual. It was hot, and she’d been on the go all morning. He went on taking pictures of the festivities, but he was watching her closely.

  “Thank you for sharing your family. That’s why we’re here today. Campers, how many of you met Ms. Geni this year?” The kids yelled in response as she made her way to Carlee and Dean.

  “I sure am sorry I missed those cookies! Where’s Dezzie?”

  Dezzie jumped up. “Dezzie, I saw pictures, and that cookie was awesome! Ms. Geni, thank you for joining us this year. Your time and the cookies are a welcome addition. But what we’re really here to say today is thank you for your kinship to our cause; another gift Carlee has shared with us, is you. I hope you’ll be back again.”

  Geni looked at Carlee, who was smiling, and then she looked out at the crowd. Ronnie was looking up at her, and she remembered the experience they’d shared. She glanced and saw Matthew running around taking pictures and was surprised to find Thomas and Brian in the crowd. And as she’d been warned, she couldn’t imagine not coming back.

  “Friends, Ms. Genevieve Davis gave us a gift almost as precious as the heart she’s shared this week. Ms. Geni donated this piece of land behind me to help us grow the camp even more.” Geni, Dean, Carlee, and Alison wore hard hats with the Butterfly Camp logo on them; and carried shovels with big lime-green bows.

  Dean Rollins spoke again, “We’re here today to make the first dig into the Thomas Grayson Davis Memorial Gymnasium.” The group bent forward to stick the shovels into the fresh dirt, and Matthew was there to capture it all in pictures. He noticed Carlee suddenly looking somewhat dazed, and before he knew it, her knees buckled and she went down. A loud gasp came from the crowd. Andy and Matthew ran to her. Geni tossed her shovel aside and was on her knees at Carlee’s side, holding her head. Alison ran for the nurse from the infirmary.

  Only a few seconds passed; Geni was on her knees splashing water on her face from a bottle someone handed her. Carlee’s eyes fluttered open, and the first person she saw was Andy.

  “Papa, I’m OK!” she blurted out. She started to sit up, but the nurse was there by then, and eased her back down. “I forgot to eat, and I got hot! I got dizzy, and I was hot, that’s all!”

  A few minutes passed as the nurse took her blood pressure and did a quick exam, finally doing a blood sugar test. “Has this ever happened before?” she asked Carlee.

  “I’ve gotten light-headed but I’ve never dropped before,” she said in a shaky voice.

  “She was nauseous last night and said she had a headache,” Andy interrupted.

  They made her lie there and rest a few minutes while someone ran to the kitchen and came back with peanut butter crackers, orange juice, and water.

  She drank the juice and looked up. “I swear I’m fine! I have a headache, and I’m starving is all!” She laughed as she said it, but there was concern among all those around her.

  Jennifer, the nurse, checked the blood sugar again a few minutes later and told Matthew, “I think she’s OK; she seems dehydrated. All this running around and the heat, I would guess. Her sugar was a little low the first time; it seems to be coming back up. I’ll check on her once more in fifteen minutes or so. I’d have her see a doctor as soon as possible.”

  “Can I get up now?” Carlee asked, embarrassed over the ordeal. They gave her the rest of the peanut butter crackers. She woofed them down with some more of the orange juice, and grabbed the water bottle Geni handed her.

  “I swear I’m fine!” she said seeing the look on Andy and Matthew’s faces. “I ate! I was just hot and hungry!” Everyone felt relieved, and the ceremony, that her fainting interrupted, continued. Afterward there was a big celebration.

  Everything about the camp week was perfect, aside from that fainting thing, Carlee thought as they packed the Hope Wells the kids had filled with their words and pictures of what ‘hope’ meant to them. The Hope Wells would make their way to the Butterfly Ball in the spring. The busses filled as the kids hugged, cried, and made promises to return the next summer, and there was great hope that they could.

  Carlee, Andy, Matthew, and Nathan loaded into the van Andy rented to head home. Geni rode with Thomas and Brian, and they all made their way to Andy’s house. Carlee smiled, knowing as they departed, that another great camp experience was complete.

  “You scared the hell out of me,” Andy said once they were on their way.

  “Me too,” Matthew told her.

  “I’m fine. Y’all make fun of me,” she laughed lightly. “I just know that I have to eat a little bit of something, often, and I was busy and forgot.”

  “Let’s not let that happen again!” Matthew said.

  “I try to keep cheese crackers in my bag, but, hello? Where was my bag?” She laughed, trying to erase the concern she saw on their faces. But she didn’t express her own.

  Everyone stayed at Andy’s for the night. They joined with Carlee’s family at Giovanna’s for pizza. Carlee excused herself to go to the restroom, and Geni followed.

  When they were alone, Geni asked, “How are you feeling?”

  “I’m fine, please stop worrying. It was hot, I needed to eat, and well, I have my period now. The perfect storm!” Carlee laughed, answering Geni’s question – is she pregnant?

  The next morning, the entourage headed to
Jacksonville. Carlee and Matthew would be there four days. Geni made arrangements with her doctor to see Carlee. A quick once-over and she agreed that the blood sugar information Jennifer sent from camp indicated what Carlee told them, she just needed to eat. She suggested that she find a doctor in London as soon as possible, continue checking her sugar periodically, and to assure she had snacks with her all the time. And everyone agreed if she said she was ‘starving,’ she would eat.

  Their time in the states went by quickly and leaving was hard, but they’d all be together at Christmas, and Carlee hoped that Andy would sneak over sooner.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT ~ Tuscany

  Their time in the states went by quickly and leaving was hard, but they would all be together at Christmas, and Carlee hoped that Andy would sneak over sooner.

  About an hour into their flight to London, Carlee felt nauseous.

  “Matthew, I gotta go,” she told him trying to scramble out of the seat.

  “What is it?” he asked.

  “I gotta go!” she repeated, anxiously.

  When she returned to her seat, she put her head on his shoulder. He slipped his arm around her and asked, “What is it, Carlee?”

  “I got all swimmy headed and I had to go throw up,” she replied.

  “Motion sickness?” he asked.

  “I reckon.”

  “Did you eat? Has it ever happened before? What can I get you?” he asked, the questions coming in rapid succession.

  “I ate, no it’s never happened before, and I don’t know. Can I just lay here against you and close my eyes?”

  Matthew raised the armrest between them, and she curled closer against him. She dozed and as she slept, he thought about her fainting at camp and now this…