Imaginary Grace

by Anne Holster

  Scott was doing most of the talking. I heard him say, “Man, Amber is so fucking pissed off; she knows something’s up.”

  “So why now is she suddenly so hell-bent on screwing with me?” Tanner asked.

  “I told you,” Scott continued. “She said she’s been up north for the last few weeks with some kind of family issue and she just got back a few days ago.”

  “Fuck, man! This is the last thing I need! What else did she say?” Tanner asked.

  I felt uneasy about the conversation and was tempted to pull away from the door, but something held me there. “She says that she remembers Grace from the tailgate party in the fall, and that there’s no way in hell you would’ve ever been interested in her. She wanted to know what you were really up to, and—if memory serves—she referred to you as ‘the shallowest pig I’ve ever met.’”

  “Well, she can say whatever she wants but she doesn’t know shit. It’s not like she’d ever figure it out, either.” When I heard Tanner say that I felt my breathing begin to get heavier.

  “Yeah, I hear you,” Scott said, laughing. “You gotta admit, the plan was genius--hooking up with Grace so your parents would foot the bill for the summer tour… and it worked like a mother-fucker, even if it took longer than we expected…”

  I gasped, quickly covering my mouth, and stepped back from the door. My heart was slamming against the inside of my chest, so hard I felt dizzy, and I backed up against the bed and sat down.

  This is not happening, no way this is happening. I crept back toward to the door and strained to hear the rest of the conversation. My head was spinning and I could hear the blood pumping loudly in my head. Feeling sick to my stomach, I thought I might actually pass out so I forced myself to inhale slowly. I had to get out of there before he found me.

  I backed up from the door and slowly inched myself around the bed, then moved towards the window I’d climbed through. My hands were shaking as I slid it up as quickly as I could, then hoisted myself up and swung my legs through the opening. As I sat on the weather-beaten wooden sill the realization of what I’d heard hit me. Hold it together I thought as I felt tears begin to prick the backs of my eyes; just concentrate on getting out.

  Gripping the edge of the sill with both hands, I carefully set my feet on the grass below. I reached up and slowly closed the window behind me, trying not to make a sound; then I crept backwards toward the driveway at the side of the house. Once my feet hit the gravel of the driveway I turned and quickly made my way to the edge of the path that led through the woods. That’s where I stayed, breathing heavily, for several moments.

  Looking back toward the house I saw the bedroom light turn on, then him moving about the room. I crouched down, even though I knew he couldn’t see me in the darkness. He pulled his sweaty t-shirt off over his head and started sifting through his drawers for a clean one. He didn’t put it on right away, just held it in his hand as he wandered over to the window and absently looked out. I took in the solidly built shoulders, the well-defined chest and biceps and the chiseled abs – he was sheer perfection in every way and I despised myself for still thinking it. I wanted to hate him. The tears began to slowly escape so I quickly turned and began to make my way down the path illuminated only by the light of the full moon. At the end of the path I took off running like I’d never run before. Once the tears started flowing there was no stopping them. How could I have let this happen? How could I have been so stupid?

  By the time I reached my dorm I was nearly blinded by the tears. I fumbled with the key a few times before finally getting it into the lock. Once inside I bounded up the stairs and threw open the door to my dorm room, closing it quickly behind me. Breathing heavily, I leaned my back against the door and slowly slid myself down until I was sitting on the floor; then I pulled my knees to my chest and let the sobs overtake me.

  When I was finally able to catch my breath I stood up and threw my jean jacket to the floor, then peeled off the pink tie dye t-shirt and traded my skinny jeans for my blue plaid flannels. As I reached over and opened the closet door I caught sight of my reflection, disgusted by my disheveled hair and tear- and-mascara-stained face. I quickly turned away and knelt down, rummaging around the floor of the closet until I found the lone hoodie that I had hidden away in the back of the closet all those months ago. I held it up to my face and sobbed uncontrollably into it. When my tears began to slow I wiped my face with the sweatshirt and as I held it close I breathed in the scent of what seemed like another lifetime. I slowly got up and slipped it over my head as I half-stumbled to my bed and fell into it.

  As my eyes started to close my cell began to ring. I knew who it was so I sluggishly reached over and turned it off and then slowly dragged the covers up over my head eager for sleep to come.

  When I woke early the next morning I thought for a moment that last night had been just a dream – it had to be…but it wasn’t, and then I felt the tears return.

  I looked at the clock on my nightstand, and it read seven-seventeen. I sat up feeling completely out of sorts, not knowing what to do. I had to get away. I couldn’t face Tanner. My mind kept going over and over everything I’d heard the night before.

  How could I not have seen it? Of course someone like him would never be interested in someone like me, but…he had seemed so sincere in his feelings. How did someone fake that? He must’ve really wanted that money bad to pull off a charade like this. To think he actually went so far as to invite me to come along with him on the tour. How much longer would he have played along? When was he planning to pull the plug? Had Scott been in on it from the beginning? And Gary…Gary had known something was up right from the start. He’d even come right out and said so.

  I felt like such a fool as my sadness began to mix with anger. I needed to get away. I didn’t want to see anyone. I decided right then and there that I’d go home for a few days. I’d tell my mom I was sick, maybe coming down with the flu or something. It was too early to call her so I decided to wait until I was on my way.

  I got out of bed and looked at myself in the mirror – I looked like I’d been hit by a truck or something. I closed my eyes and let my face fall into my open palms as I shook my head and felt tears trying to spring free again.

  I washed up and changed and was about to start throwing some essentials into my overnight bag when I realized I’d left it at Tanner’s. Shit. As soon as he saw my bag he’d realize I’d been there. Now I really had to leave campus as soon as possible.

  I grabbed my backpack and, after dumping my books out on my bed, I filled it with the few things I thought I’d need. By this time it was nearly eight-thirty, so I texted my mom and told her I wasn’t feeling well and was coming home for a few days. Then I set out on foot to the bus stop.

  I wasn’t surprised when Mom called a few minutes later in a panic, insisting that I let my dad come and get me. That was the last thing I needed – to be stuck in the car for four hours having forced conversation with my dad. I lied and told her that I was already on the bus and that I’d call her when I was getting closer to Penn Station, and she could pick me up there.

  I grabbed a local bus into Baltimore and from there I could easily get a bus into Penn Station. Within the hour, I was headed home.

  That’s when everything hit me – it was really over, which I guess was silly because it had never actually even started. I’d been played. I’d just been a pawn in his game. Everything was fake – this whole relationship had been imaginary.

  I could feel my eyes filling with tears again, and there was no way I was going to be able to stop them, so I didn’t even bother trying. I cried myself to sleep, but was awakened shortly by the sound of my phone ringing. I pulled it out of my pocket, but when I saw that it was Tanner I hit ‘ignore.’ I couldn’t bear the thought of hearing his voice.

  A few minutes later a text came through from him: hey babe, tried 2 call u. what time will u b home.
miss u.

  Fucking asshole. I knew I had to answer him so I just texted, not sure, and left it at that.

  He answered with k. call me when u get in, and then I shut my phone off.

  When I got off the bus at Penn Station, both my parents were there waiting for me. My mom had a look of panic on her face as she hurried toward me.

  “Goodness Grace! You look awful!” she said as she pulled me into her arms. “You need to get yourself right into bed, and I’m going to make an appointment with the doctor first thing tomorrow morning.”

  “I don’t want a doctor, Mom. I just want to get into my own bed. I’ll be fine. I think I’m just rundown. I’ve been pushing myself too hard.”

  They both tried talking to me on the ride home, but I said as little as I could get away with. When we finally arrived home, I ran right up to my room and shut the door. Then I climbed into bed, but my mom was right behind me with a thermometer and a bottle of aspirin. “I’m making you chicken soup,” she said as she took my temperature, “but it won’t be ready for a while. You rest and I’ll bring it up when it’s ready.” She looked at the thermometer and said, “You don’t seem to have a fever. Maybe you are just rundown. Just take it easy for a few days.”

  “I just need sleep, Mom.” Yeah, for about a year. “I’ll be fine, really.”

  “Okay, rest then, and I’ll be up to check on you in a little while,” she said as she smoothed the hair away from my forehead.

  When she was finally gone, I just turned over and buried myself in my pillows. About an hour later, Ryder got home. Upon hearing the news of my unexpected arrival, she immediately came up to my room to find out what was going on.

  She poked me to see if I was awake and, when I grunted at her, she asked, “Are you really sick?”

  I didn’t answer. I had no intention of telling her the real reason for my surprise homecoming.

  She pulled a chair over to my bed and sat down. When it didn’t seem like she was going to leave, I turned over so that I was facing her and said, “What?”

  “Jeez, Grace! You look like shit. What’ve you got?” she asked as she moved the chair back a bit from the bed.

  “I’m just rundown,” I said, which was beginning to sound like my mantra.

  “Well, from the looks of it, college life is definitely not agreeing with you,” she joked.

  For some reason I smiled when she said that. It was just so typical of her. “I’ll be fine,” I said, then asked, “What’s going on with you?”

  She then went on for the next twenty minutes, filling me in on all her latest gossip. When she finally finished, she smiled slyly and asked, “So anyway, enough about me. How’s that hot, sexy boyfriend of yours doing?” It felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks when she asked me that. I didn’t answer so she asked again. “How’s Tanner?”

  Hearing his name spoken aloud like that was enough to push me over the edge. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to stop them. “Are you okay?” she asked, and that’s when I lost it. I burst into tears.

  She jumped up off the chair, obviously thrown off-guard by my reaction, “I’ll um…I’ll go get Mom,” she said.

  “No. No, please don’t. I don’t want her to know,” I sobbed.

  “Know what, Grace? What’s going on?” she asked, visibly shaken by my sudden outburst. “What happened?”

  It took me at least fifteen minutes to choke out all of the details. When I finished, she thought for a minute before she said, “Grace, that sounds crazy; are you sure you heard him right?”

  “Yes, I’m sure,” I sniffled, “I know what I heard.”

  “Grace, could there be any other explanation? I mean that sounds insane, like something straight out of one of those trashy teen romance novels you like to read. What kind of person does something like that to someone? Have you spoken to him at least and let him explain?”

  “No, not yet. I can’t,” I said, shaking my head.

  “I don’t understand. Why didn’t you just bust through the door and confront him right then and there?” she asked.

  “I told you, I just froze and then I panicked.”

  “Well, you’re going to have to talk to him sometime. Does he know you’re here?”

  I shook my head. “No, he doesn’t know I came home. He still thinks I’m meeting him at his place later this afternoon.”

  She glanced over at the clock on my dresser. “Well, it’s nearly five o’clock now. Don’t you think he’s going to start to wonder?”

  That’s when I remembered that I’d shut my phone off on the bus ride home. I asked Ryder if she could dig it out of my backpack. She tossed me the phone, and I turned it on. When it came to life, there were several text messages from Tanner, along with several missed calls and voicemails. The last text and voicemail, which had been left a few minutes ago, were similar with him stating that he was getting worried and that he was going to head over to my dorm.

  I didn’t want him going over there and worrying Beth so I texted him back, don’t come over. i’m in jersey.

  “Grace,” Ryder said, “he’s not going to just let that go. He’s going to want to know what you’re doing here.”

  “Fuck him, Ryder. I don’t owe him any explanation.”

  “Whoa, Grace, calm down. Jeez, I don’t think I’ve ever heard you swear before. But think about it…he has no idea that you know anything, so you kind of do owe him some kind of explanation, don’t you think?”

  I thought about it as my phone started to ring, and I guessed she did have a point, but I still didn’t want to talk to him. I hit ‘ignore.’ Immediately a text came through: why r u in jersey? call me i’m worried.

  “Tell him, Grace,” Ryder said with a serious look on her face after looking at the text. “Tell him that you know.”

  I held the phone in my hand and slowly began to type. don’t call me. don’t text me. its over. i know about EVERYTHING…

  Chapter 50

  Tanner

  What the fuck was going on, I thought to myself as I paced back and forth across my room. Why would she be in Jersey? I’d had an uneasy feeling all day, and it was beginning to get worse. I was at a complete loss as to what to think. I walked over to the window and stared out for a minute, thinking of all kinds of crazy scenarios. Maybe someone in her family had gotten sick? That was the only thing that made any sense.

  And why wasn’t she picking up her phone? I let out a deep breath and turned from the window, and that’s when I noticed the small duffle bag sticking out from underneath my bed. I bent down and pulled it the rest of the way out. It was Grace’s. Confused as to why or when she would have left it here, I pulled the zipper open and there, sitting right on top of all her stuff, was a bus schedule.

  As I reached in and pulled it out, my body went cold. It was a schedule of times for buses coming into and out of D.C. The one circled had left late last night. As the realization of what had happened slowly began to dawn on me, my phone went off, signaling a text from Grace.

  I swallowed hard as I slowly reached for it, praying that I was wrong, but when I read it, I knew I wasn’t. She had been here last night. She had heard me and Scott talking in the living room. She’d heard everything. She knew everything. And seeing her text confirmed it.

  “FUCK!” I screamed as I kicked the duffle bag across the room and then began frantically pacing back and forth, trying to recall exactly what was said. As I did, the rage at my utter stupidity began to build. I finally stopped, resting my palms on the far wall. I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against the coolness of the wall…and that’s when I snapped.

  Every ounce of rage I felt was directed solely at myself. I had let this happen. It was my fault. In that instant, a reflex bolted through me that was impossible to stop. My arm pulled back with my hand closing into a fist. Then, like ligh
tning, I sent it crashing full speed through my bedroom wall.

  Pain instantly shot up my arm as bits and pieces of wall and white dust drifted to the floor and I slowly slid to my knees. I had to fix this, I thought as I cradled my now throbbing hand. I didn’t know how, but I had to because I knew I couldn’t live without her.

  Every time I called her cell, it went right to voicemail and any text I sent went unanswered. I didn’t know what to do. I felt like a caged animal. After icing my still-throbbing hand, I managed to wrap an ace bandage around it as I contemplated my next move.

  Although I wanted to, I couldn’t drive to New Jersey. My car would never have made it. With no way to contact her, I did the only thing I could think of – I went over to see Beth. I thought that maybe she could convince Grace to at least talk to me.

  After parking my car in the lot outside their building, I made my way around to the side door. I was able to get in by walking in with a group of students who had just opened the door. Once I found their room, I knocked once. The door was quickly answered by a surprised Beth.

  “Tanner! This is a surprise. Come on in,” she said in an oddly cheerful manner as she let me in. “Grace isn’t here. I just got a text from her that she’s back in Jersey. She said something came up and she had to go home for a few days, but she should be back some time Tuesday. Do you know what happened?”

  I just stood there, tongue-tied. Obviously Grace hadn’t told her what had happened. “Have a seat,” she said, motioning to the desk chair as she sat down on her bed. Then she added, “What happened to your hand?”

  I absently grasped my injured hand as I sat down on the wooden desk chair. “Beth…you gotta help me…”

  “Tanner, what’s wrong? You’re scaring me. Did something happened to Grace?” she asked as she stood up, now obviously concerned.

  I couldn’t answer right away, and I couldn’t look her in the eye so I dropped my head into my hands. Finally I was able to choke out, “I fucked up.”

  “What did you do to Grace?!” she said, her voice now ice-cold as she moved a step closer to me. “What did you do? I’m calling her right now!”