Imaginary Grace

by Anne Holster

  “Wait,” I said as I grabbed her wrist. “Let me explain.”

  She yanked her wrist free, then snapped, “Explain, but make it quick. I want to call Grace.”

  I started at the end with how she came home early from D.C. and overheard Scott and I talking.

  “What did she hear? What were you guys saying?”

  There was no easy way I could say it. It was impossible to put a good spin on what had happened so I told her what we said, trying to be as accurate as I could remember.

  “That can’t be true,” she said, shaking her head, but when I didn’t answer she asked, “Tanner, is that true?”

  Feeling defeated, I leaned back into the uncomfortable desk chair. Then, forcing myself to look up at her, I went back to the beginning and told her the whole ugly truth.

  By the time I finished Beth was leaning back on her bed and slumped against the wall, looking completely disgusted.

  “Please…Beth,” I tried to explain. “It may have started out like that, but, I don’t know, somewhere along the line I really fell in love with her.” Beth still didn’t respond, so I continued. “She won’t answer my calls or my texts. Please, I just need to talk to her. I need to hear her voice. If I could just explain…”

  “Explain!” she scoffed. “It sounds like she got the gist of the whole shebang from listening to you two last night. Are you sure you still want to try to ‘explain’?”

  “I…I just really need to talk to her. Please Beth,” I pleaded.

  She scrutinized me for a minute, as if deciding whether I was worth the effort. Then finally she said, “Okay, I’ll call her. But I won’t do it while you’re sitting here. I won’t put her on the spot like that. Go home. I’ll be in touch, but I can’t promise you anything.”

  “Fair enough,” I said accepting the morsel she threw me. “I appreciate it.”

  As I reached for the door, I turned to thank her again, but she cut me off. “Did you really think she’d never find out? Did you really think you’d get away with this?”

  “At the time I guess I wasn’t really thinking,” I said with my head down. I turned and left, closing the door slowly behind me. When I got to the parking lot and climbed into my car I just sat there for a while, unable to believe that things had gone so horribly wrong so quickly.

  Yesterday at this time I had been on top of the world – I was having the time of my life playing music I loved in a great band that was getting ready for a summer tour, I was acing most of my classes, and I had a girlfriend who I was crazy about. Today, my life was in the shitter.

  I started up my car and began to drive home, hoping that Scott wouldn’t be there when I arrived. When I got home the place was empty, so I cracked open a beer and collapsed onto the couch as I waited for Beth to call.

  As I lay there, I started to think about Grace. Over the past few hours, since everything went down, all I’d thought about was myself and how tough it was going to be for me to deal with everything. How everything was going to suck for me without having Grace around. And that was when it hit me.

  What was it like for her to hear me and Scott talking like that? What was going through her mind? She must have felt so betrayed, so humiliated. I felt sick to my stomach at the thought of how much I’d hurt her. She’d gone home. To Jersey. Things must have been really bad for her to do that.

  Did she tell Ryder? Her mom? Her dad probably wanted to kill me. I knew I would if someone did that to my daughter.

  I was pulled from my dark thoughts by the sound of Scott coming in. The first thing he said when he looked at me was, “What’s up with the hand?” He hung his jacket on the hook by the front door.

  I’d forgotten all about my hand until he mentioned it. “Nothing,” I said, not wanting to get into it with him.

  Oddly satisfied with my non-answer he said, “Where’s Grace? I thought she was coming over after her field trip, or whatever it was she went on. I didn’t eat ‘cause I figured you guys would have food here for me. Is she coming later?”

  “No,” I said, hoping that I wouldn’t have to elaborate.

  “Uh oh…trouble in paradise, my friend? Let’s hear it,” he said as he hopped onto the couch and put his feet up on the coffee table. “Come on, tell Scotty-boy all about it. Is it trouble in the boudoir? Finally realize you’re not really the monogamous type? I told you, monogamy can be a bitch.”

  “Scott, I’m really not in the mood. Can you just leave it alone?” I said. I leaned my head back on the arm of the couch, but just then my phone started to ring. I jumped up and looked at the screen, grabbing it quickly off the coffee table when I saw that it was Beth calling.

  “Hey Beth,” I said as I got to my feet and walked quickly into my room, leaving Scott behind. I closed the bedroom door behind me and said, “You talked to her, right? What did she say?”

  “I talked to her,” Beth began. “I told her you came over, and I asked her if it was all right to call you. I’m not in cahoots with you, Tanner, and I’m not keeping anything from her. She’s my best friend.”

  “Okay, understood,” I said. “Now what did she say?”

  “In a nutshell, she said for you not to call or text her, and that she’d be back sometime Tuesday, and she’d talk to you then.”

  “You’re sure? She said she’d talk to me?” I said, wanting her to clarify.

  “That’s what she said. But, Tanner, one thing I’ll say on the QT is that you seriously screwed up, and from listening to her, I don’t know if there’s any coming back from this. I think at this point she’s beyond the hurt and humiliation and she is seriously pissed off. I know from experience that can be a lethal combination.”

  “Yeah, I get it,” I agreed. “But as long as I know that she’ll at least hear me out, then there’s still a chance.”

  “Maybe,” she said. “I’ve got to go. Maybe I’ll see you during the week.”

  “Yeah, okay. And, Beth? Thanks. I appreciate it,” I told her as we hung up.

  Without thinking, I meandered back out into the living room, grabbed my beer, and sat back down on the couch to contemplate what Beth had just told me.

  “You’re as sly as a fox, dude,” I heard Scott say. I looked up to see him squinting and nodding with a grin on his face that could rival the Cheshire cat. “You’re doing Beth on the side, aren’t you? How long did you think you’d be able to keep that a secret? Tell me, did Grace find out? Is that what’s eating at you? I can cover for you. Tell Grace that Beth’s with me – she’d be none the wiser.”

  “Shut the fuck up, Scott! That’s not what’s going on here,” I said, resigning myself to the fact that I was going to have to tell him the whole story.

  “I get it,” he said, nodding knowingly. “You want to keep both of them for yourself. I don’t blame you. It’s a great gig if you can keep it up, but my guess is you can’t, ‘cause otherwise I wouldn’t have found you sprawled across the couch with a puss on.”

  “Scott, you’re way off base,” I said, not even looking at him. “It’s much more complicated than that.”

  “Well, let’s hear it then,” he said eagerly as he leaned forward with anticipation.

  “She was here last night,” I said.

  “Who was here? You mean Grace?”

  “Yeah, Grace was here. She came home early, and she was here in my room when we got home,” I explained.

  “Yeah…so?” he said, confused.

  “Scott, don’t you remember what we were talking about when we got home…the Amber situation? You know, how everything with me and Grace came to be?” I continued to explain until he finally caught on.

  “Oh, yeah, I remember . . . oh shit! She heard all that? She knows?” he said, now fully aware of the gravity of the situation. “What are you going to do? Oh man, she must’ve been crushed. You idiot! You should’ve told her! Now look what happened. H
ave you at least spoken to her?”

  I proceeded to bring him up to date on everything that had happened since last night.

  “Wow, that really sucks,” he said.

  “Yeah, tell me about it. I’m hoping when I see her on Tuesday, I’ll be able to clear everything up,” I told him.

  “Well…what’s there to clear up? I mean, she knows exactly what happened. It’s not like she got any false information, right?”

  “Thanks for the vote of confidence,” I said sarcastically as I turned toward the TV.

  “Well, if there’s anything I can do, let me know,” he offered. “I hate the thought of Grace not hanging around.”

  “Yeah me too…me too,” I uttered, barely above a whisper.

  It felt like an eternity before Tuesday arrived. I’d respected Grace’s wishes – I didn’t call or text her after I’d spoken to Beth. I didn’t know what time she’d be back, but I knew that when she was, I’d hear from her.

  Going to class on Tuesday was particularly depressing because she wasn’t there. That was the only class we had together, and it’d become one of my favorite parts of the week. That and going to the gym afterwards, which I couldn’t do because of my busted up hand that was finally starting to feel a little better.

  After class I went home and just…waited. Would she call? Would she ask me to come over? Would she just show up here? The not knowing was driving me crazy. My wondering finally ended when there was a knock at the front door, and my heart leapt.

  I got to my feet and answered the door. When I saw her standing there, all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around her and never let her go, but I held myself back. I needed to let her make the first move, since the ball was in her court.

  “Hi,” I said, which actually sounded pretty lame, but I didn’t know what else to say. Then I added, “Come in,” as I moved to the side and let her through. “Do you want to sit down?”

  “I’d rather stand,” she said with her arms folded in front of her.

  Uh oh, this wasn’t good.

  “So…I hear you want to ‘explain.’ Go ahead – I’m listening,” she said in a tone that I’d never heard her use before.

  Suddenly I was at a loss as to what to say. Scott was right, there was nothing to explain – she knew everything.

  “Yeah, just what I thought,” she said. “Let me ask you something – at what point did you plan on pulling the plug on your little charade? What kind of person thinks up a scheme like that? You know…when I first met you I kept saying to myself, ‘Wow, he’s not at all like I thought he’d be,’ but you know what? I was wrong…you’re exactly what I thought you’d be – a typical asshole-thinks-he’s-hot-shit-guy!”

  “Grace, listen,” I began, but she put her hand up to stop me.

  “No, you listen. This ‘thing’ we had, it is so over. I swear every time I think about you and your buddies laughing behind my back I just want to…I just want to…”

  And that’s when I saw her eyes begin to glisten with tears. I reached out to touch her, but she quickly slapped my hand away and then turned away.

  “Grace, please,” I pleaded. “I know I fucked up. I should have been straight with you as soon as I realized that this was going somewhere, but I…I couldn’t. For the first time I actually cared about someone, and I was too afraid that…that you’d leave me if you found out.”

  She walked away from me and sat down on one of the stools in the kitchen. She leaned her elbow on the counter with her head resting on her hand. After a minute, she looked up and said, “You know, the sick thing is that I actually believe you. I don’t think it’s possible – even for you – to fake what we had so well, and for so long.”

  “You mean have Grace, what we have…”

  “No, that’s where you’re wrong,” she said, “I meant had. It’s over, Tanner. It has to be, because I can’t even look at you without being reminded of the humiliation you put me through.”

  “Grace, don’t do this,” I began, but again she put her hand out to stop me.

  “No…you did this, not me. You’re the one who caused this.”

  “Grace,” I started again, my voice steadily getting louder. “Do you want me to say I’m sorry? Is that what you want?” At this point I was practically yelling. “Because I can’t. I can’t say I’m sorry because I’m NOT! Yeah, I’m sorry it had to start the way it did, but I’m not sorry I pulled the stupid charade on you because if I hadn’t, I never would’ve met you. You changed my life, Grace, and I can’t imagine going back to the way it was before you came into it. I can’t imagine even for one second a life without you in it. Don’t do this Grace,” I pleaded. “Don’t throw this all away.”

  She didn’t say anything. She just stared back at me, and that was the first time I began to realize that she really was going to end it. I mean, yeah, I knew she was upset. I knew we’d have it out and that she’d rake me over the coals, but honestly, I thought in the end she’d forgive me, that she’d realize how much I loved her even if it did start out the way it did, and then after much begging and pleading on my part – which I was more than prepared to do – she’d realize that the two of us were meant for each other.

  “Tanner, I need my bag,” I heard her say out of the blue. “The one I left here the other night.”

  Her bag? Was she leaving? Was this it? She was slipping through my fingers right before my eyes, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I wasn’t used to not being in control, and I hated it.

  “My bag, Tanner,” she said again.

  “Wait a minute – you’re leaving?” I asked as if I didn’t already know.

  “Yes, I’m leaving. I don’t think there’s anything left to say, so now can you please get me my bag?”

  “Wait, just wait. Don’t leave yet,” I begged – I begged? “I’ll get it – wait here.” I quickly went into my bedroom to retrieve her bag. When I returned she was standing in the kitchen, staring out the window. As soon as she heard me, she quickly came back into the living room where I reluctantly handed her the bag.

  “Thanks,” she said, and then she turned to leave, but I grabbed her by the wrist.

  “Grace…please…” I choked out, but the words just hung in the air.

  “Tanner…don’t,” she said as she slipped from my grasp and reached for the door, hesitating for the briefest of seconds with her hand on the knob before opening it and leaving without another word.

  I stood there stunned as I watched her walk away and then disappear into the night. She was gone. Just like that, she was gone. When I was finally able to move, I stepped back inside and closed the door. I was numb. Had this really just happened?

  I sat down on the arm of the couch for a few minutes and just stared blankly at the closed door, hoping that she’d come back, that she’d suddenly realize she’d made a mistake. But when it became clear that that wasn’t going to happen, I dragged myself to my feet and went into the kitchen for something to drink.

  There was plenty of beer in the refrigerator, but I needed something stronger if I wanted to make the last three days disappear. I looked through the cabinets before finally finding exactly what I needed – a nearly full bottle of the best tequila money could buy. I took a glass from the sink, poured myself some, and then put the bottle down on the counter.

  And that’s when I saw it. There, sitting at the edge of the counter, like the final nail in the coffin, was Grace’s key.

  Chapter 51

  Grace

  Walk. Walk, just keep walking. Don’t look back. Don’t think, just walk. That’s what I kept repeating to myself as I walked away from Tanner’s. I was able to keep that up for most of the way home, then, just when I got to the parking lot, cracks in my tough façade started to form, allowing bits and pieces to seep through. I’d done what had to be done, I told myself - so why did I feel like crap?

 
Because in spite of everything, I knew I still loved him, and I thought I always would. That was the truth, but I also hated him. We could never be together. How could I ever trust him again? I knew I had to put this mess behind me and move on, but right now I couldn’t even imagine how I would do that. It was all still so raw.

  I squeezed my eyes shut tight, willing the tears not to come, but it was no use. By this time I’d reached the front door, but when I went inside I stayed downstairs for a few minutes, not wanting Beth to see me crying again. Eventually I slowly began to walk up the stairs and into my room. As soon as I did, Beth looked up, a worried expression on her face.

  “I’m fine, Beth,” I said before she could ask me anything. “It was tough, but I got through it. Now I just want to go to bed.”

  “What did he say?”

  “Beth, I just don’t feel like talking about it now…or maybe ever,” I told her and started getting my stuff together to take a shower.

  “Okay,” she said, knowing she probably shouldn’t push me in my fragile state.

  I shot her a weak but grateful smile and went to stand under the hot needles of water, hoping they would wash away the hurt. All they did was give me some privacy to shed more tears. After my shower I climbed into bed exhausted, hoping that tomorrow would be a better day.

  For the next few days I just went through the motions. I went to class, did my assignments, went to the gym (careful not to go when Tanner would be there), and went home. When Tanner called, I told him in no uncertain terms that it was over and to please not call me anymore. When my request was denied, I simply ignored his calls. As hard as it was, I needed to get on with my life, and so did he.

  I didn’t go out over the weekend. I just wasn’t in the mood, and besides, I didn’t want to run into Tanner. Before I knew it, Monday had rolled around again…and then it was Tuesday, the day I was dreading. Tanner and I had class together, and there was no way I could ditch since I’d missed last week. There was no avoiding him. When I got there, he was waiting outside the lecture hall.