Imaginary Grace

by Anne Holster

  “Grace,” Beth began, pulling me from my thoughts. “It’s none of my business, but maybe you’ve been too hard on Tanner. I know what he did was really rotten, but…I don’t know…don’t you think you’ve made him suffer long enough?”

  “I’m not trying to make him suffer, Beth. It’s not about that. It’s about me feeling like a fool. I just can’t get over how he played me like that. Yes, I know what you’re going to say, that that’s just the way it started, and you’re right, but still I…I just can’t get the images out of my head of him laughing at me.”

  “Who says he was laughing at you?” she countered, “You don’t know that.”

  “No, I guess I don’t, but that’s the image I have in my head, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get it out, so this is just the way it has to be. I’m leaving tomorrow, anyway, so it doesn’t matter now.”

  “Well, it’s your decision,” she said as she went back to packing the rest of her stuff away.

  My dad arrived to pick me up early the next morning, but it was ten o’clock by the time we had the car packed and were ready to leave. Beth and I had a tearful goodbye and promised each other we’d get together over the summer, either at her place or mine, and then it was time to go. My dad and I got in the car and started to pull away, and that’s when I started thinking about Tanner and what he did for me. Maybe, I thought, I should stop by his apartment to say goodbye and at least thank him for going to Beth.

  “Dad, do you think we could make a quick stop? I want to say goodbye to a friend of mine,” I asked.

  “Sure thing, sweetie. Where does your friend live?”

  I gave him directions, and within a few minutes we were sitting out in front of Tanner’s apartment. I was nervous about going to the door, so I hesitated for a minute.

  “What are you waiting for?” my dad asked.

  “Nothing, I’m going,” I said as I got out of the car and slowly walked down the path that lead to his front door. Once at the door, I fidgeted a minute before knocking and then held my breath as I waited for him to answer.

  I wasn’t at all prepared for the sight that greeted me when Tanner opened the door. His right eye was almost completely swollen shut and was covered with an awful looking purplish welt.

  “Oh, my gosh! What happened?” was the first thing out of my mouth. I actually thought he was more shocked to see me than I was to see him in this condition.

  “Grace! Come in, come in,” he said as he stood aside to let me in.

  “Oh, I can’t stay. My dad’s waiting,” I said as I stepped inside. Then I asked again, “What happened?”

  I could tell he didn’t want to talk about it, but I just stared him down until he told me what’d happened between him and Gary.

  “I’m…I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t have done that. I’m fine,” I said, trying to reassure him.

  “Yeah, well, he deserved it. I’m glad I did it. And by the way, he looks a lot worse than I do,” he said, kind of smiling.

  “Let’s hope so,” I said, and then, “Listen, like I said, I can’t stay. I just wanted to come over and…and thank you for going to Beth. If you hadn’t, there’s no telling what would’ve happened. I should’ve listened to you. Gary just seemed so…so harmless, but I guess looks can be deceiving.”

  He nodded, then said, “Are you sure you can’t sit down, just for a minute?”

  “Um, okay, just for a minute.” I glanced at my father, waiting in the car, then followed Tanner to the couch. He winced as he sat down, but gave me that distorted half-smile again.

  “I’m surprised your dad let you stop over here after everything that happened between us. I know I wouldn’t have wanted you coming over here if I were him.”

  “Oh, well actually he doesn’t know,” I said, noting the look of surprise cross his face. “See, I never actually got around to telling my parents that we’d gotten together in the first place, so there was no point in telling them the whole breakup story. I just told them I went home because I was sick – only Ryder knows the truth.” Suddenly feeling curious, I asked, “Did you tell your parents?”

  “Not yet,” he answered uncomfortably, “but I guess I’ll have to say something soon, since they were expecting us up at the lake house sometime this month.”

  There was an awkward silence for a moment as we just stared at each other, neither of us knowing what to say next. Finally, I stood up. “Well, I should really get going.”

  “No…wait,” he said as he reached for my arm and gently pulled me back down. “Don’t go.” I slowly sat back down, feeling uneasy about what he would say next. “Grace,” he began as he took my hand, “I miss you so much…do you think you could at least think about giving this another chance? You know how much I love you. How many ways can I say I’m sorry? Please, Grace…everything’s just so much better with you around.”

  I felt my heart melt a little when he said that, but I still said, “Tanner, I didn’t come over here to get back with you. You know I can’t do that.” I was about stand up again, but then I stopped myself and turned toward him.

  He let out a deep breath as he let go of my hand and leaned back on the couch, the defeat clearly showing in his eyes. “So this is it, then?” he asked, looking straight ahead.

  I couldn’t bring myself to say yes; I thought if I did I might burst into tear. Instead I just leaned over and kissed that absolutely perfect face one last time before getting up to leave.

  I walked over to the door, letting my hand linger on the handle for just a second too long when I heard him call my name. I slowly turned to see him still sitting on the couch, still staring straight ahead. “Take care.”

  “You too,” I whispered, feeling too emotional to say anything more; then I walked out the door and closed it slowly behind me. As I walked down the path toward the car, I felt a single tear begin to slip from the corner of my eye and down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away with the edge of my sleeve before opening the passenger door.

  “Is everything okay, honey?” my dad asked as I turned to face the window, but I just nodded. It was going to be a long ride home.

  One month later . . .

  I had pretty much gotten myself into a nice routine at home - sleep late, go to the gym, hang out by the pool, stay up way too late…repeat. Sometimes I’d meet up with some friends at night and go to a party or grab some dinner, or Ryder and I would catch a movie. Life was good, but there was something missing. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but, well, who was I kidding? I knew exactly what was missing. I didn’t know if I missed Tanner per se, or if I just missed having someone special to hang out with. Didn’t matter, really; I’d be starting work at the rec camp soon, so things were going to be a lot busier from here on out.

  A couple of guys had asked me out since I’d been home, but I’d turned them down. Now I was thinking that maybe it wouldn’t have been such a bad idea to go out with them. It had been over a month since I’d last seen Tanner, and I hadn’t heard anything from him either.

  It was settled, I decided. The next semi-interesting guy that asked me out, I was going to say yes. I skyped Beth later that night and told her of my intentions. “Beth, I really think I’m ready. I mean, I haven’t been out with anyone since the whole Tanner calamity, and I think it’s time.”

  “Good for you, Grace!” she said, ever the cheerleader. “You should definitely get back out there. Hey, maybe when you come down to visit, I could have Thomas set you up with one of his friends!”

  “Perfect! That sounds perfect,” I said, already thinking about what I was going to wear on the date that wasn’t even made yet.

  When it came time to start work at the rec camp, I was ready. It had been nice lounging around the house for a while, but it was time to make some money. I was hoping to save up a tidy sum to take back with me to college in the fall, and between rec camp and the babysitting
gigs I’d lined up, I should be flush with cash by the time September rolled around.

  That same week I made plans with Matt, a guy I’d met at the gym, on Friday night. A group of us were meeting up at the mall movie theater, and I was really looking forward to it. Matt seemed like a nice enough guy, and he was even kinda cute.

  At the rec camp, I –along with another counselor--was assigned to a group of twelve second-grade girls. We did crafts with them and took them around to the various camp activities.

  Each day the camp planned a different event to entertain the kids. We celebrated the first day of camp with various blow-up water slides. The kids had a blast that day, especially since the temperature reached ninety degrees. It remained hot and sticky for the next few days, then, at the end of the week, torrential thunderstorms forced us to move the camp into the nearby local middle school. The kids were kept busy with crafts and games in the gym, and it was there in the gym that day that I met one of the other counselors, a guy named Ty. He was cute and nice, with a great sense of humor.

  We arranged it so that our groups had lunch together so we could hang out. I giggled to myself whenever I thought about my blossoming social life. There was Ty from the camp, Matt from the gym and the unknown friend of Thomas’s I would be meeting up when I went down to visit Beth – not bad, considering it was still only June!

  On Friday night, my friend Stacy and I had met up with Matt and his friends at the mall theater, like we planned. It was pretty nice. Matt made sure to sit next to me during the movie and nonchalantly slipped his arm around the back of my seat during the show, eventually letting it drop onto my shoulder. It was kind of weird at first, but I tried to just go with the flow. He walked me to my car afterward and even kissed me goodnight, which at first I thought was kind of forward. Then I reminded myself about all the things I’d done with Tanner, and suddenly it didn’t make sense to get all uptight about a simple kiss goodnight.

  I’d also had a date with Ty from the rec camp. He took me to a party, and we actually had a really good time. When he dropped me off at home later that night, he pulled into my driveway and, yep, you guessed it, another kiss goodnight. But unlike Matt, Ty seemed to think he could take certain liberties. Maybe he didn’t really consider this to be a first date, since we’d been having lunch together every day at camp. I didn’t know, and I didn’t care. I pulled away, got out of the car, and stomped into my parents’ house. Suddenly, I couldn’t wait for camp to be over.

  Before I knew it, it was time to head down to Philadelphia for my weekend with Beth. I was really looking forward to it, especially my date with Tom’s friend, James. Before I left for Philly, my mom went over a list of instructions that was about a mile long. She accounted for every conceivable scenario that could possibly happen between Jersey and Philadelphia, including what to do in case of the inevitable zombie apocalypse. That may have been an exaggeration, but not by much.

  “You know, I do take care of myself, all the time, at school,” I pointed out after nearly an hour.

  “Well, you’re not at school now, so just pay attention.”

  I humored her, but as soon as I pulled out of the driveway, the list of instructions was completely out the window. Philly was a two-hour drive away, and it was so nice to be alone in my own car, listening to my music.

  I hadn’t seen Beth since our last day at school, and we had a lot of catching up to do. She said that Thomas had arranged for a double date with James, a guy he went to school with in North Carolina. According to Beth, James lived somewhere near Morristown, New Jersey, which wasn’t terribly far from where I lived. He was stopping at Thomas’s on his way home from an internship he had had in D.C.

  Beth didn’t live in Philadelphia proper, but in a suburb just outside the city limits. And, as I saw when I got to her neighborhood, quite a swanky one at that. When I pulled into the large circular driveway of her house, she came barreling out to greet me. We hugged like we hadn’t seen each other in years, then she took me inside, introduced me to her parents and her younger brother, and took me upstairs to unpack.

  “Your family seems nice,” I said.

  “Yeah, I can’t complain,” she said as she led me down the hall to the guest room. After she showed me where everything was and my stuff was all put away, we headed out back to the pool, where we spent the rest of the afternoon, giggling and gossiping and generally catching up.

  Finally I had to ask. “So, tell me about this James. Is he cute?”

  “Don’t know,” she answered. “Never met him.”

  “You’ve never met him? Oh great, he’s probably like a big dork or something.”

  She waved me away. “Thomas wouldn’t do that to you. You know how much he likes you.”

  “Well, okay, but let’s have a signal or something. Like how about if I touch my eyebrow, that means I want to cut it short. How’s that sound?”

  “Fine,” she said, laughing, “but I don’t think it’ll come to that.”

  “Where’re we going, anyway?”

  “Oh, they’re taking us into the city to a fancy restaurant right on the water. I hope you brought a knock-his-socks-off outfit with you.”

  “Maybe…” I said mysteriously.

  When Saturday night rolled around, we were both looking forward to our date. I looked through my suitcase and decided on a salmon-colored sundress that I had picked up at the mall the week before. It was short, but fell a little longer in the back, and it showed off the savage tan that I’d been working on since the beginning of summer. The dress had wide shoulder straps and was belted with a two-inch weaved wraparound belt that matched my strappy sandals perfectly. I wore my hair pulled back away from my face, but left it hanging loose down my back.

  After another day at the pool, Beth and I went to our rooms to get ready. I was about to go downstairs when I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. I had to admit, I thought as I turned from side to side to admire the dress, I’d sure come a long way since last year at this time. Thomas and James were supposed to pick us up by six o’clock, and by five-thirty Beth and I were ready and waiting downstairs with a glass of wine in our hands. Beth whistled when she saw me, making me laugh.

  At six o’clock on the dot the doorbell rang, and in walked Thomas with a guy who looked like he had just stepped off the cover of GQ. It took some effort to keep from gaping at him in awe. Clearly this was not going to be the typical blind date.

  Great, I thought, now I’m going to be nervous all night, probably come off like a dork. Fortunately, James was as easy to talk to as he was to look at. He was on the taller side with short, sandy-colored hair that he had neatly combed to the side. His clean-shaven face had chiseled, angular features that were complemented by a healthy bronze glow, like he’d just arrived home from an afternoon of yachting. His deep-set brown eyes were framed by thick, dark lashes that could have been the envy of women everywhere. He had strong-looking, broad shoulders and a trim waist, and if I had to guess, I’d say he was an avid soccer player. He was wearing a short-sleeved, maroon-colored polo shirt that showed off his lean muscular arms, along with a pair of khakis and a simple pair of tan boat shoes. If someone had asked me to describe him, I would have said, “classically handsome”.

  Tom drove and Beth sat up front with him, leaving me and James to the back seat. On the way to the restaurant, I learned that James would be a senior at North Carolina in September. He planned to continue on to law school afterwards and eventually join the family firm in Manhattan. On paper this guy was perfect…too perfect, in fact, and I figured that eventually the other shoe would drop and I’d find out that, oh…I don’t know, he was a part-time drug dealer or maybe that he used to be a she – okay, it was a stretch, but something had to be wrong with him, right?

  At dinner, the conversation flowed. Both he and Thomas entertained us with various stories of typical college-life antics, most of which Beth and
I had witnessed at our own school but still found funny. Then came the traditional trip to the ladies’ room, where we reapplied lipstick and Beth grilled me on what I thought of James.

  I was honest, telling her I thought he was pretty much perfect. Then, since she had this annoying habit of redoing all her makeup every time she entered a bathroom, I slipped outside to check my phone. Sure enough, the light on the phone was flashing with a message—probably a text from my mom, checking to see that I was all right.

  It was a text, but it wasn’t from my mom. It was from Tanner, whom I hadn’t heard from since the day I left school. It had been sent about thirty minutes before and said just one word – ‘Hey.’

  It made me smile and without thinking I texted back a simple – ‘Hey’, then put my phone back in my purse. A minute later, Beth finally came out of the bathroom and we headed back to the table, where the guys were settling the bill. We decided to take a walk along the river, being that it was a perfect night for it, and while we were walking James nonchalantly slipped his hand in mine and said, “Grace, I had a really nice time tonight. Do you think I could get your number and maybe we could do this again?”

  I thought about it for just a second and then I decided that, really, what was there to think about? This guy was golden. “Sure, I’d like that.”

  The guys drove us home and, while Thomas and Beth were making plans for the rest of the week, James walked me to the door and gave me a simple kiss goodnight. “Goodnight, Grace,” he said, “See you soon”; then he walked back down the driveway. I grinned as I saw Beth scamper past him, barefoot, with her blue sundress blowing in the light breeze and her sandals dangling by the straps from her fingers.

  Once inside the dark house, we both dashed up the stairs and into Beth’s room where we dissected all the minutia of the night, both coming to the same conclusion: James was definitely a keeper. I don’t know why, but I didn’t mention the text from Tanner.