The Queen’s Code

by Alison A Armstrong

  The word “provide” got Kimberlee's attention. I'm supposed to tell a man what I need in advance?

  “Um, Claudia. I don't exactly know how to do that,” she said, feeling dejected already.

  “Well, it is a good thing I will be teaching you that on Saturday,” Claudia replied.

  “Well, you've sure given me a lot to think about. And since I have a date Saturday night, I guess I better get busy!”

  Kimberlee made a hasty retreat, leaving her grandmother to her rest. She barely noticed the trip as she thought about her “menu” and her upcoming date with Jack. When she arrived home, she got ready for bed and lazily checked her email. A short message from Melissa completely ignored the strain between them.

  Hey K – Haven't heard from you. Wanna come by Saturday night? Scott's with clients. Luv M

  Yo M – Gotta date that night. How about Monday after work? Love, K

  Kimberlee pressed Send and immediately dreaded Monday night.

  VI. The Breaking Point

  KAREN looked at the other two women and felt relieved that they were back to their small “pod.” She had loved having Mike in their sessions, because of the struggles and hurts it resolved in their relationship. And because of the difference Mike had clearly made for Kimberlee. He provided for her, she thought.

  However, when Mike was with them, it was harder for her to capture every detail of the material. Part of her attention was monitoring Mike and how he seemed to be experiencing their conversations. She was afraid her notes had suffered and worried about it even though she couldn't imagine ever teaching “Delicious Sexual Partnerships.” She may have reached the limit of her ability to overcome her shyness about sex and sexuality.

  Speaking of sexuality, Kimberlee was looking especially girly today. She's showing some skin, Karen observed, noting the smooth bare shoulders and shapely legs revealed by her dress and sandals.

  “I hope you had a good breakfast,” Claudia began. “We have a big topic and I would like to get through it all today.”

  Kimberlee looked at her watch. “I've got until five-thirty ….”

  Karen laughed. That's why she's acting different. “Does someone have a date this evening? With a man?” she teased.

  Kimberlee blushed and nodded, “That's it, Karen. He's a man. I've only ever gone out with guys before. I'm not quite sure how to act.”

  Claudia smiled at Karen and nodded like it was her cue. Why not? I've learned some things about men versus guys.

  “May I say something about that, Kimberlee?” Karen asked and saw Claudia's nod of approval. Teaching always requires permission, she thought, proud of herself for picking up on that.

  “Please do!” Kimberlee replied. “I need all the help I can get.”

  Karen smiled and thought a moment, reconciling what she'd been taught about the Stages of Development with what they had learned recently.

  “I think it would be fair to say that ‘guys’ are what Claudia would call ‘Knights’ and ‘Princes.’ And ‘men’ are Kings; the fully developed version. Am I right, Claudia?”

  Claudia nodded. “I think that is a good way to put it. The stature — the weight of being — that a King acquires is probably what has women refer to them as ‘real men.’ And feel somewhat intimidated by them.”

  “Exactly!” Kimberlee exclaimed. “They are intimidating. And if I tell the truth, it's because I don't think I can manipulate them the way I'm used to manipulating younger men.”

  Karen laughed. “I know what you mean. But you're lucky, Kimberlee, because everything Claudia has been teaching us is perfect for relating to a fully formed man.”

  “How exactly?”

  Karen glanced at Claudia and got another encouraging nod. “First, fully developed men, or Kings as they're called in the Stages of Development, won't tolerate being emasculated as much as younger men. They have a rock-solid sense of themselves and won't put up with being diminished that way.”

  “It's a good thing I gave that up, then,” Kimberlee joked.

  “Yes. Or you wouldn't last long,” Karen replied seriously, thinking of her friends that had divorced, probably for that reason.

  “What else?”

  “Everything we've been learning about men as Providers applies — but times ten.” As Karen said this, she saw the truth of it in Mike. “While the youngest men, Knights, focus on Adventure, and Princes focus on Building, being a provider is there in the background. But as a King, the focus is Providing. He's a Provider on steroids; to the max. To him, Providing is the point.”

  Karen was rewarded with a smile and a vigorous nod from Claudia, who prompted, “Which means that, as a woman, you have to be great at ….”

  “Receiving!” Kimberlee exclaimed.

  “Yes,” Karen affirmed. “You have to be great at receiving. Something I would love to know more about.” She looked pointedly at Claudia. “I seem to have forgotten almost everything.”

  CLAUDIA thought, I love it when they tee up the topic like this.

  “No worries. You will hear more about ‘Receiving’ today,” she responded. “But first we have to talk about the second word in the Language of Heroes and give you the background behind it.”

  “Oh, goody,” Kimberlee said and Karen grabbed her notebook.

  These two are adorable, thought Claudia, and they are getting along really well. A good beginning for a partnership.

  “This topic builds upon the previous one, before we took our field trip on Delicious Sexual Partnerships,” Claudia said. “Whether you have a man, for whom ‘Providing’ is the heart, or a woman who becomes a provider for her children, for example, there is one thing providers have in common. Can either of you guess what it is?”

  “Being result-oriented?” Karen ventured.

  “Close, and well-remembered,” Claudia smiled and looked at Kimberlee for a guess, who shrugged her shoulders. “The word I am looking for is ‘accountable.’”

  “Oh. That makes sense,” Karen responded.

  “There are a whole host of behaviors that can be understood by looking at the effects on a person of being accountable. Being judgmental, for example,” Claudia offered.

  Kimberlee's face lit up.

  “Yes?”

  “That was on my list — being judgmental — as a way men misbehave. It's always bugged me.” Kimberlee seemed doubtful. “Are you saying there's a good reason for that too?”

  Claudia nodded. “Absolutely. When you are accountable, you have to be judgmental. You cannot bet the well-being of your family or tribe or company on someone's potential. You have to judge if they are actually competent or not. It is black and white,” she paused. “You are highly accountable in your job, Kimberlee. Can you see that makes you judgmental about your staff?”

  “Wow. You're right,” Kimberlee replied. “I'd like to know more about that. Especially how to balance judgment and accountability with being more open and encouraging.”

  Claudia suppressed a smile at Kimberlee's unconsciously grasping the appropriate opposites. “Someday we may be able talk about that. It is an important distinction. But, for today, I only meant ‘judgmental’ as an example of one of the behaviors that is correlated to being accountable. The specific behavior we need to focus on today is a man's relationship to his needs, and to yours.”

  That got Kimberlee's attention. “Oh, yes, that's very important.” She turned to Karen, “Claudia said she would teach us how to tell a man what we need — in advance. Before he runs into the barbed wire.” Kimberlee chuckled, “That's Claudia's term for an upset woman.”

  Claudia was tickled that Kimberlee was compelled to include Karen. All good signs, she thought and noticed she was once again paying attention to the partnership she hoped would develop between her intended heirs. This information must get out. And “Giving up the right” seems to have worked. Thus far, that is.

  That gave her an idea. “Kimberlee, it is perfect that you brought up ‘misbehaving,’ because men's relationship t
o their needs is often interpreted as misbehavior.”

  “How so?” Karen interjected.

  “By the Provider being accountable, they see the outcome as dependent upon themselves. This means that what they need — everything they need — is crucial to the result being produced and the family or tribe being provided for.”

  Claudia added, “This makes their needs ‘Critical and Urgent.’ To put it in the simplest terms: ‘I need, I get.’”

  “That makes sense. Why's it seen as ‘misbehavior’?” Karen asked.

  “You tell me,” Claudia prompted. “When you are making dinner and Mike grabs something out of the cupboard and starts eating, what do you think?”

  Karen grew agitated. “You mean when he's stuffing his face with Cheez-Its after I've spent an hour cooking?”

  Claudia nodded and Karen exploded, “Of course it's misbehaving. It's inconsiderate!”

  Kimberlee was giggling. “What are you seeing, Kimberlee?”

  Kimberlee patted Karen's hand and turned to Claudia. “That's what you mean by ‘critical and urgent,’ yes? His hunger is immediate. Right now. He can't wait for dinner to be ready. Not even five minutes.”

  Karen said angrily, “I wait. Why can't he?”

  “Because he is already at the breaking point,” Claudia said calmly.

  “The breaking point? You mean because he hasn't anticipated?” Karen began to fume, “Once again, I've gotta deal with the consequences because he hasn't planned ahead?”

  Kimberlee stepped in, “Karen! What if there's a good reason?”

  Claudia smiled inwardly at the intervention. This could work, she thought.

  They waited while Karen calmed herself down. “I'm sorry,” she said, “obviously I've got some history here.”

  “And I am sorry for all the times you felt disrespected,” Claudia said.

  “But?” Karen asked.

  “And, what if it was not as it seemed?”

  Karen sighed. “Okay, please tell me. What is really going on?”

  Claudia looked from one to the other. “Single Focus strikes again.”

  “Huh?”

  Kimberlee laughed. “Is that what Mike meant by ‘breaking point?’ Literally? As in, when the need for sex breaks through Single Focus?”

  Claudia smiled, “Or food or water or sleep or warmth or to stretch or get outdoors. Any number of things. At the breaking point, men relate to their needs directly. As in, ‘I need, I get.’ Can I tell you how it works?”

  Kimberlee nodded. She waited for Karen to nod too. “Because of diffuse awareness, a woman will become aware that she is hungry, for instance, but keep being distracted by her environment. How many times have you opened the refrigerator looking for food and ended up cleaning it instead?”

  That finally got to Karen and she laughed, “Plenty of times! Then, when I was starving, I stuffed something in my face over the sink.”

  “Exactly,” Claudia said. “You delayed eating because the dirty refrigerator was more compelling. And you think a man should delay eating, because consideration should be more compelling. You expect a man to relate to his needs the way you relate to your own. The only difference is, because of Single Focus, a man does not have the awareness of his hunger growing until the breaking point. And then it is, ‘I need, I get.’”

  “And it's the same for sex?” Kimberlee blurted.

  Claudia shook her head. “Worse. As hard as it might be to imagine, the need for sex can be so great that it keeps breaking through. It is the closest thing men experience to the state of distraction most women live in.”

  Kimberlee's eyebrows came together, “Why do they need sex that much?”

  Claudia held her gaze. “Primal instinct. And they have told us it is the fuel for protecting and providing.”

  “Mike said something like that!” Kimberlee exclaimed. “I wrote it down, just a sec.” She flipped back through her notepad a few pages. “Here it is: He said, ‘Intercourse provides essential nutrients … the fuel to be a man.’” Shaking her head, “Honestly, Claudia, it is hard to imagine needing sex that badly.”

  Claudia smiled ruefully, “I know. This is why we took the detour for Delicious Sexual Partnerships. Most women have no idea how much the life-giving interplay of sexuality and sensuality supports men in being their best selves. It is why withholding sex is one of the most effective ways to Frog Farm. And why being a sexual partner is part of the Queen's Code.”

  Kimberlee looked discomfited. “But surely there are other sources of fuel? I mean, men also provide in other relationships: family, work, friendships ….”

  “I am glad you are seeing that,” Claudia replied. “Nothing works like sex but other forms of appreciation matter as well. Like feeding them, thanking them, supporting them, telling them exactly the difference they make in your life.”

  “Points!”

  “Yes, Kimberlee, points.” Claudia smiled and looked over at Karen, who had been scribbling a big black circle on her pad. “Karen?”

  When she looked up, Karen's eyes were tearful. “I feel sick. All those times I was ‘too tired’ for sex. It wasn't always true. Sometimes I was getting back at Mike for not doing something any woman would have done. Or the times I didn't ‘feel like cooking’ when I was really getting revenge for the last time he raided the Cheez-Its. When he was starving, at his breaking point because he had been focused on producing some other result, probably for me.”

  Karen shook her head and Kimberlee reached out and gently squeezed her arm. “Regret only, remember? You could not have known.”

  Karen looked back at Claudia, “But I could have. If I had truly listened,” she objected. “Not just to Mike. Men have been trying to tell us this — all of this — for ages.”

  “I know dear,” Claudia replied sadly, “but when women can only see misbehaving women, men cannot be heard.”

  Both women sat quietly, contemplating.

  Kimberlee interrupted the reverie with new enthusiasm. “This is actually kind of fun, when I think of men this way. The breaking point, I mean. For instance, is this why men fall asleep wherever they are?”

  Claudia agreed, “Yes. For that reason and because men feel physically safe almost anywhere. Not only will a woman wait until the last possible moment to sleep, she'll also have to be tucked in somewhere that seems secure.”

  Karen's eyes got big, “Are we going to talk about women feeling safe?”

  Claudia shook her head. “Not in this round. It is a huge topic that we'll cover if we ever get to that part of the Queen's Code — bringing out the best in women. It always starts with making them feel safe, then loved.”

  Now Kimberlee's eyes grew wide but she didn't comment. After a moment, she asked, “If we relate to their needs the same as ours, do they relate to our needs the same as theirs?”

  Claudia twinkled, “Bingo.”

  “Huh?” Karen emitted.

  “A man relates to his needs as Critical and Urgent. If you are someone he considers himself accountable for, someone he provides for, he will relate to your needs as Critical and Urgent as well. In other words, ‘You need, he gets.’”

  Karen asked tentatively, “That's why, when we're on a drive, and I say, ‘I'm hungry,’ Mike treats it like a five-alarm fire? I need, he gets?”

  “Exactly. He assumes you are at the breaking point and he is compelled to meet your needs immediately, same as his own. To provide for you.”

  The tension was relieved when Karen giggled. “It's really funny, actually. If I have to pee, I swear, he points out the first bush.”

  Kimberlee said, “This is making sense of a lot of things. If I mention to Raul that the processing pit needs new equipment, he gets grumpy and tells me why that can't happen today. But I mean within a few weeks or even months.”

  “That is a perfect example,” Claudia responded. “It shows how a man will defend himself when he cannot immediately meet a need.”

  Karen looked confused. “I understand the bei
ng defensive part. I've seen it plenty. But, if a man treats my needs as ‘critical and urgent,’ how come it's hard to get what I need from Mike?”

  Claudia chuckled. “This reminds me of a similar question you asked when I introduced you to ‘Providing.’ Do you remember what it was?”

  Karen shook her head and Kimberlee squirmed eagerly in her seat. “I remember.”

  “Yes?”

  “Karen wanted to know if Mike was a Provider, why didn't he take out the trash. And you asked if she'd told him what that would provide for her. You wanted to know if she'd used that exact word.”

  Claudia nodded and looked at Karen, waiting for her to make the connection.

  “Are you saying that ‘Need’ is the next word of the Hero Language? And we have to use it to tell men what we need?” Karen sounded unhappy about that.

  Claudia smiled sympathetically. “Even though he may be committed to providing for your needs, he does not always know what you need. Unless you make it clear what you need, and why, he will keep providing what he thinks you need.” Their faces registered dismay.

  She continued, “If what you actually need is different, you have to tell him, using exactly that word. And more. You have to tie it together with being Single Focused, Providing, and playing for points.”

  Kimberlee interjected, “Do you have, like, a script for this?”

  Claudia chuckled. “It can be intimidating in the beginning. Because there are several steps you must follow, or it will not work. But after awhile, it will become more natural.”

  She sipped her tea. “Karen, could you write these exact steps down?”

  Karen nodded and turned to a new sheet of paper.

  KIMBERLEE looked over Karen's shoulder as she carefully noted each step in her best chalkboard script, with notes to herself added.

  How to Tell a Man What You Need

  1. Ask for a time to talk “about something I need today/tomorrow/next week.”

  • Keep your voice warm (but not falsely light) so he doesn't think he's in trouble.

  • If his body tenses up, come right out and say, “Don't worry, you're not in trouble.”