The Queen’s Code

by Alison A Armstrong

  • Tell him how many minutes you think it will take and don't underestimate to make it seem easier.

  • Make an appointment.

  (This is because he's Single Focused and you want him focused on what you tell him. Don't attempt a ‘Needs Conversation’ while he's focused on anything else, like driving, dressing, eating, reading, etc.!)

  2. When it's time to talk, thank him for what a great Provider he is.

  (Men play for points — this lets him know he's in a game he can win.)

  3. Tell him what you NEED. Use that word and be specific:

  • When you need it, exactly, including how often if it's an ongoing need.

  • What it would look like. Don't assume he'll interpret words the same as you.

  4.

  Tell him what receiving this would Provide for you. Be specific:

  • What you'll be able to be/do/accomplish/handle.

  • How it will make you feel and why that matters.

  5.

  Ask “The Partner Question”: Is there anything you need to give me what I need?

  (And open your mind; it probably isn't what you'd require.)

  6.

  Ask: Is there a particular way I can show my appreciation for you giving me this?

  (And open your mind…)

  When the instructions were complete, Kimberlee imagined herself having this conversation with the men in her life. There was something she wanted to talk to Raul about but she'd been hesitant. This template could be the key. He would probably respond well to the clarity and simplicity of it.

  Imagining telling Jack what she needed brought up a question. “Claudia?”

  “Yes, dear?”

  “How early in a relationship can you use this?”

  “In some form or another, from the very beginning,” Claudia replied.

  “Even on a first date?”

  She was surprised when her grandmother nodded. “Even before a first date.”

  “Could you give me an example?” Kimberlee asked.

  “Certainly. Let us pretend. You ask me out.”

  Nervous, Kimberlee almost backed down. But I really need to know how to do this. “Okay. Claudia, will you go to dinner with me Wednesday night?”

  “I would love to, and there is something I would need. Is now a good time to tell you?” Claudia said warmly.

  “Uh, sure. What do you need?” Kimberlee improvised.

  “I need to be home, alone, by 10 o'clock. That would give me enough sleep to do my job the next day,” Claudia responded and Kimberlee could see the elements flowing together. This doesn't seem awkward at all.

  Imagining the scenario, she guessed at what a man might say. “I can do that,” she replied.

  “Is there anything you need from me, to make sure I am tucked in by ten?” Claudia asked.

  That stumped Kimberlee for a moment. What's likely to happen on a date? “Well, if we're having fun, I might forget that you have to be home. Reminding me would be good.”

  “When would you like me to remind you?” Claudia asked, in character.

  “When I pick you up would be good. And if it doesn't seem like I'm getting the check when I should be,” Kimberlee answered. This is fun! She thought.

  “Okay. I will do that. Thank you for taking care me of like this. It is the one way I can see you on a work night,” Claudia replied.

  Breaking character, Kimberlee said, “That was cool how you slipped in appreciation and another ‘provide’ there at the end.”

  Claudia responded, “And, if you notice, I also stated a boundary.”

  Kimberlee thought about that. “When you said it's the one way you can see him?”

  “Yes. It set the conditions; the circumstances I need. It is my Cover Charge for a weeknight date,” Claudia said.

  “Thanks! That was awesome,” Kimberlee said. She smiled and turned to Karen, “Cover Charge is what Claudia calls it when you tell a man what you need to be intimate.”

  “I wish I knew that when I was dating!” Karen responded. “Claudia, could you give me an example of a Needs Conversation for my life?”

  She sounds desperate again, Kimberlee thought. I hope Claudia can help her.

  “How about this for a simple one?” Claudia said, ‘Mike, I need to use a restroom in the next half-hour. I would prefer it was a fast food restaurant or other nice place, not a gas station. That would make me feel like a lady on a road trip instead of a hitchhiker.’”

  Karen laughed. “That should work. And I can see how we actually did this whole thing with the trash and had amazing results,” she sighed. “But I need to know how to have this conversation with Mike on tougher subjects. Where there's a real conflict between our needs. For example, he wants home-cooked meals almost all the time. But when school is hectic, like this upcoming week, I need to not cook. I usually don't, but I also need him to not be cranky about it; which he usually is.”

  Kimberlee noticed that Claudia looked happy about the request. She even rubbed her small hands together in anticipation. “Your question brings up some other elements we need to clarify first. Shall I do that now?”

  “Yes, please.”

  Kimberlee nodded her assent as well and Claudia began. “In general, men relate to their needs as ‘critical and urgent.’ But there are really three categories of needs. First is what we call ‘Survival Needs,’ meaning that he will die eventually without them. Those are food, water, sleep and sex.”

  “A man will die without sex?” Kimberlee asked, flabbergasted.

  “Eventually,” Claudia replied in all seriousness. “That is the primal instinct I mentioned. His genes will fail to be carried on. Even if he does not know that consciously, he will be increasingly tense until he meets that need.”

  Claudia continued, “The second type of needs are the ones without which his quality of life will deteriorate rapidly.”

  “Like a remote control?” Karen asked, only half-kidding as she worked diligently on her notes.

  Claudia chuckled. “I can see how you might think that. But I am referring to the activities that fill his Tanks. Remember those? Without things like his car time, or his golf game, or time with his friends and loved ones, plus alone time, a man will lose specific capacities. He will not be able to be peaceful or kind or see the big picture, for example. While these needs will not be considered life-threatening, a man will relate to them as important.”

  She continued, “This is why I could not help you with your dinner conflict without clarifying this. Does Mike want a home-cooked meal, or need it?”

  “How do I tell the difference?” Karen asked.

  “There is always a consequence when we do not get what we need. In our well-being or our ability to function the way our commitments require,” Claudia said.

  “Oh, in that case, he needs it. If he eats out or has processed food too often, his stomach gets upset. When that happens, he can't function well and he becomes a bear.” Karen added hopelessly, “I guess that means I have to cook even when I'm wiped out.”

  “Not necessarily,” Kimberlee heard Claudia reply and was equally surprised.

  “But we established that he needs it,” Karen replied, obviously confused. “And I'm the cook; his mother's back in Illinois ….”

  “And you are demonstrating what women do in the face of conflicting needs.”

  “What?” Karen asked, agitated again.

  Claudia explained, “When people have conflicting needs, what they normally do is judge the importance of their need over another's. In other words, one person's need gets invalidated. Unfortunately, invalidating what a man needs makes a woman an obstacle and an adversary. His instinct will be to attack her verbally, because his needs are ‘critical and urgent.’ Obviously, this will destroy harmony and partnership.”

  Wow! thought Kimberlee, That's intense.

  “But women can invalidate their own needs as quickly,” Claudia added, shaking her head. “Because we already have a weak relationsh
ip to getting them met. This keeps her from being her best self, creates resentment in the long-term, and is deadly to being in love.”

  The look on Karen's face told Kimberlee that the older woman knew that too well. “But, what else can we do?” Karen asked.

  “If you're living by the Queen's Code, you honor and protect both needs as completely valid and important. And play ‘Let's Make a Deal.’”

  “What's that?” Kimberlee and Karen asked in unison.

  CLAUDIA took a deep breath. Do not expect them to be experts overnight. It's a new skill. Give them the basics and let them try.

  She began, “Let's Make a Deal is what I call a process one of my great-grandmothers created to help her family negotiate brilliant solutions to conflicting needs. It depends entirely upon people being willing to say their heart's desire, instead of choosing from a menu.”

  “Choosing from a menu?” Karen queried, writing furiously.

  Claudia waited until Karen was done. “Both women and men have become unaccustomed to speaking the truth about what they really need, and what makes them happy. Instead, when someone asks them what they want, they try to guess what is available to them. They might even ask, ‘What are my options?’ or ‘What are my choices?’”

  “In other words, they pick from a limited list of what is probably available instead of saying what matters most to them.”

  “But isn't that a smart way to do it? It keeps you from being disappointed,” Kimberlee replied. “Or putting too much pressure on the other person.”

  “It would seem that way. Except that people get the greatest joy from providing what matters most. No one wants to provide merely the best option. Especially men. And we often decide what is on the menu without even asking. They never have a chance to give us our heart's desire.”

  Kimberlee groaned. “Yes?” Claudia prompted.

  “And if men play for points, it means we don't ever give them the opportunity to score big. We decide ahead of time that they don't have that much to give,” Kimberlee replied, obviously sad about the times she'd done that.

  Claudia's felt the bzzz-bzzz of happiness in her chest. Ah, she thought, the Kimster is seeing how magnificent men are.

  “You are right, my dear. My mother used to say that we are asking heroes to dust the piano — when they would gladly save worlds for us.”

  Kimberlee looked intrigued. Claudia had the sense that she was newly registering the magnitude of her inheritance.

  “It's not saving a world, but does ‘Let's Make a Deal’ have people say their heart's desire about everything? Like, could I have a heart's desire about cooking?” Karen asked.

  Claudia nodded, “Yes, Karen. Find out what it is by finishing this sentence: ‘If I had it all my way ….’”

  “Do you mean, like, ‘in a perfect world’?” Kimberlee interrupted.

  Claudia shook her head. “Thank you for asking. The exact words are important. If you say ‘in a perfect world,’ or something like it, such as ‘in an ideal world,’ you are in danger of invoking the Perfect Person and the Perfect Circumstances. Life rarely offers perfect circumstances. Deals are the application of your heart's desire to the existing circumstances.”

  Claudia continued, “If you think about ‘a perfect world,’ the answer may come from your head instead of your heart. You have to beware of that. Do not let yourself or your partner tone it down. Keep emphasizing all your way.”

  Karen scrunched up her face. “Hmm. If I had it all my way, I wouldn't be responsible for meals during the busiest times at school.” She paused and added, “Starting Monday.”

  “Would you do the grocery shopping?” Claudia asked.

  “I'd rather not. But I could.”

  “Not from the menu, Karen. Remember: if you had it all your way,” Claudia encouraged.

  Karen began again, “If I had it all my way, I wouldn't be responsible for food at all.” She smiled, clearly contemplating that life favorably. “And we'd still have delicious and nutritious home-cooked meals.” She was warming up. “That I like,” she finished, grinning.

  Claudia laughed and called attention to Karen's face. “See that, Kimberlee? That is the look you are after. The grin. Or a big sigh of contentment. Either one is good. But try not to settle for less.”

  KIMBERLEE noticed Karen's face light up from within. Cool grin, she thought. Not a bad standard.

  “I'm grinning. But what about Mike?” Karen wondered aloud.

  “The deal making is not complete until both of you are,” Claudia replied.

  “How does that happen?” Karen asked doubtfully.

  “The process goes like this,” Claudia answered and waited as Karen flipped over to a new page. “The person who is the most upset by the situation goes first. They start by finishing the sentence, ‘If I had it all my way ….” They must describe all their way in complete detail. When that is done, they go on to say what all their way would provide for them.”

  Claudia paused for Karen's notes to catch up. “After the first person has said everything, and the second feels they understand it fully, the second person takes his or her turn.”

  Claudia concluded earnestly, “After both sides have fully expressed their heart's desire, and what that would provide for them, the creative problem-solving begins.”

  “Won't we end up in a fight?” Karen asked, skeptical.

  “If either of you thinks the other person is against them, you will. But if you are openly protecting and advocating for your partner's needs, they will not feel like they have to defend them. A man can focus on making his needs clear, understanding yours, and solving the problem. By being on the same team, you can put your heads together to accomplish the best for both of you. The solutions are often works of genius.”

  Claudia added, “They are certainly a victory of human spirit. Which is why you have to write the new deals down.”

  “Huh?” said Kimberlee.

  “Being in partnership is never instinctive,” Claudia responded. “It is always a conscious choice of human spirit.”

  “I understand and it makes sense. But what does that have to do with writing it down?” Kimberlee asked. “As you can see, I write down the earth-shattering stuff but I'm not the note-taker Karen is.”

  “I understand you are more auditory,” Claudia replied. “And you are not creating a curriculum, as Karen is.” She winked and added, “Not yet, anyway.”

  Me teach? Kimberlee wondered and her heart skipped a beat, amazed at the suggestion.

  Claudia chuckled and continued, “Writing down your deals is important because memory is tied to instinct and these glorious moments of human spirit, of profound connection and love and support, cannot be retained fully and accurately by memory.”

  “With or without my note-taking abilities, I don't know if this will work with me and Mike,” Karen said and Kimberlee could feel her resignation.

  “Will you try it? At least once? For me?” Claudia asked and Kimberlee thought, That's pulling out the stops. Karen would do almost anything for her. “It takes only one success to see the miracle of deal-making.”

  Claudia took Karen's hand. “Remember this: a negotiation in a partnership has the opposite intent of the objective in an adversarial relationship. Instead of trying to get the most you can, you are trying to give the most you can, while receiving the least you need to be happy to have given.”

  “Huh?” Karen groaned.

  “Think about it. And try it.” Claudia said encouragingly. “Then we can talk some more.”

  Karen looked unhappy but Kimberlee noticed that she recorded every word.

  CLAUDIA felt sympathy for Karen. They do not have the benefit of growing up seeing deals being made. How much fun they can be. How creative and joyful.

  “If you have room for it, I have more to tell you about men's needs and how women can learn from what they do instinctively.”

  She saw hesitation on Karen's part. But her student took a deep breath and rearranged her bod
y and her notepad. “Bring it on,” she said.

  Kimberlee smiled and squeezed Karen's shoulder. Maybe tough has a bonus, Claudia thought. When Kimberlee was struggling with sex, Karen was kind and generous. And now Kimberlee is supporting Karen. They're getting closer.

  When Karen seemed ready, Claudia prompted, “Since men relate to their needs as ….”

  “Critical and urgent,” they both responded.

  “… women often think men are being selfish.”

  “Aren't they?” Karen asked.

  “Think about it,” Claudia replied easily. “You may have even heard a man say, ‘I'm no good to anyone until I have ….’”

  “I've heard that!” Karen exclaimed.

  “Me too,” added Kimberlee.

  Claudia concluded, “We as women can learn from this approach.”

  “Learn what?” Kimberlee asked.

  “Because most women default to ‘the Mother’ expression of femininity, women are naturally self-sacrificing. And they are proud of it. They will even try to out-sacrifice each other.”

  Karen chuckled. “You've described a fair share of the conversation in the teachers’ lounge. Tales of self-sacrifice for our classes. Time. Money. Attention to husbands and families. It's spoken like a complaint, but there's a competition going on.”

  “I can relate to that as well. Amongst the women who work for me. We often compete for the most tired award.” Kimberlee shook her head sadly. “There's something we can learn from men about this?”

  Claudia responded, “Remember I said there are three categories of needs. First are ‘survival needs.’ Women get theirs at the last possible moment. Things like eating, sleeping, urinating and having babies.”

  She saw Karen blanch but continued. “The second category, ‘quality of life’ needs, women relate to as ‘it would be nice.’”

  She waited while the two of them digested this. With her head cocked to the side, Kimberlee asked, “Is that why my body aches and I need a massage and I think, ‘Oh, that would be nice,’ and I don't get one?”