The Queen’s Code

by Alison A Armstrong

  Karen's eyes grew big and Claudia smiled. “Exactly.”

  “A man would get a massage, wouldn't he?” Karen asked.

  “If his aching body prevented him from being the kind of person he wanted to be. Or prevented him from doing something important to him. Remember that provide means to insure the well-being of. If he needed a massage to provide for himself or others, he would make it a priority.”

  Karen's eyes squinted. “I know you're leading up to something. And I feel like I should be making a connection,” she frowned.

  Claudia offered a hint, “Long live the Queen ….”

  “Ahhh. Yes. The Queen.” Karen's face lit up. “She pays attention to what her needs being met gives her, so she can be something for others.”

  “Well said,” Claudia congratulated her.

  “Can you say more about that?” Kimberlee asked.

  “Karen, would you like to try?”

  Karen took a deep breath. Concentrating, she said to Kimberlee, “Remember when we did the exercise of correlating what men provide for us with what that allows us to do and be?”

  “It was quite enlightening. I've made decisions based on that.”

  “Good,” Karen replied. “What Claudia is getting at is an expansion of that exercise. By looking at everything we need in terms of what it would allow us to be or do or give to others, we're more likely to get what we need instead of self-sacrificing. That's being the Queen instead of the Mother.”

  She is good at this, Claudia thought, happy.

  “And,” Claudia interjected, “looking at your needs, from what they would allow you to be in the future, will put you in the point of view to receive them instead of demand them.”

  Karen held up her hand while shaking her head. “Hang on a sec. I'll write that down and then try to figure out what the heck you meant!”

  Claudia smiled and waited patiently. Karen wrote, paused, and wrote some more. Paused again. Finally, she looked up and said, “I give up. What does it mean?”

  Kimberlee nodded. “Yeah. I'm stumped too.”

  Claudia felt happy. Teaching someone who was certain they did not know was tons more fun than trying to teach someone who thought they did.

  “I will put this simply. Although feminism, and the information age, and reliable birth control, have provided enormous opportunities for women, they have not necessarily resulted in women getting more of what they need.”

  Kimberlee looked upset.

  “Yes, dear?”

  “Myra is adamant on this subject. She raised me to be independent so I could always get what I needed. And I'm glad,” Kimberlee said earnestly.

  Claudia rejoiced at the opening. “Do you always get everything you need?” she challenged. “Or only what you can justify that you deserve?”

  There was a struggle playing out on each of their faces. Claudia watched and waited.

  Kimberlee spoke first. “Are you implying that I could have more than I deserve?”

  “Wow. You're thinking what I'm thinking,” said Karen, awe in her voice.

  “May I spell it out for you?” Claudia asked.

  “Please!” they chimed.

  Careful, this is sensitive territory for them. Claudia began, “Most women have become self-sufficient in regards to their needs. When they discover a need, they provide if for themselves.”

  “That works fine — if it is something you can give yourself,” she pointed out. “When women discover they have needs that must come from another — for love, attention, touch, help — they can be stymied. They will often try to talk themselves out of it. If they cannot, next they will try to figure out who owes that to them, because of something they did for that person, or sacrificed for that person.”

  “In other words, they will try to figure out how they deserve it. And from whom they should demand it,” Claudia concluded.

  “That makes sense to me,” Kimberlee replied.

  Karen jumped in, “Me too. But, it didn't matter how many times I explained to Mike all the things I do around the house. And, therefore, deserved for him to take out the trash. You all know how that turned out.” She sighed, “What are we missing, Claudia?”

  “Women ask for too little. And demand too much.”

  “Why doesn't deserving and demanding work?” Kimberlee asked.

  “Because there are only two possible responses to a demand: resist or submit. The demand itself eliminates any possibility of giving.”

  Claudia had stumped them again. Karen reacted as usual, by focusing on her notes. Kimberlee's thoughts furrowed her forehead.

  “Okay, one piece at a time,” Kimberlee began. “Ask for too little. You're saying that because at the heart of a man is a provider, they want to provide. But they don't know what we need. We have to ask. Using the ‘Need’ word.”

  “Good. Go on,” Claudia was pleased.

  Kimberlee bit her lip, concentrating. “And asking includes finding out what he needs in order to give me what I'm asking for, right? Is that what makes it different than a demand?”

  Claudia nodded, “That, and your attitude. You need what you're asking for, but providing it for you is still a gift from a man, or a woman.”

  Kimberlee's head tilted to the side and her mouth and eyes smiled, “Like even though you refer to this knowledge as my ‘inheritance,’ it's still a gift.”

  Claudia's eyes moistened and she squeezed Kimberlee's hand.

  The younger woman squeezed her back but continued intently, “But the two possible responses to a demand are resisting or submitting. Yes, I can see that. I have been on the other end of a demand and resisted, even though it irritated or angered the other person. And I was angry that I had to defend myself.”

  Claudia smiled. “And you had to defend yourself because ….”

  “I felt attacked.” Kimberlee laughed, “I get it. A demand is an argument that you owe them something. That's why I had to defend myself. Because I didn't agree.” She shook her head. “No wonder men get annoyed and put off.”

  She frowned, “Even when I've submitted, the other option, it wasn't necessarily because I agreed that they deserved what they were demanding. It was more that I wasn't willing to fight. But even as I did what they asked, I was resentful.”

  Claudia nodded, “And was there any room for you to give them what they wanted generously? Happily?”

  Kimberlee responded sadly, “Not a chance. Even if I had wanted to before they demanded it.”

  Karen groaned, “That's what happens!”

  “When?” Claudia prompted.

  “One of the things I enjoy giving is backrubs. It's like a meditation for me and a neat way to connect with Mike,” Karen replied. “But every once in awhile, he will tap his shoulder and say, ‘Where's my backrub?’ In an instant, it becomes the last thing I want to do.”

  There was a long silence while both of them let this sink in. They have obviously been on both ends of demands: receiving them and making them. The realization of how infrequently it actually worked was etching itself in their faces. Claudia was satisfied.

  “Would you like an alternative?” she offered. “The Queen's alternative?”

  “Oh, yes!” Kimberlee exhaled.

  “Please,” Karen responded.

  Claudia smiled at their intensity. “The Queen's relationship to her needs exists in a different ‘time zone’ than where a demand comes from,” Claudia explained. “Can you guess the difference?”

  Karen's eyes squinted as she tried to figure it out. Kimberlee pursed her lips. Like me, Claudia thought happily.

  Karen responded first, obviously happy to be catching on. “When I was telling Mike what taking out the trash would provide for me, it was a future me. Someone I could become if he did it. That really appealed to him. Changing the future, my future.”

  “Very good,” Claudia praised. “As one man put it, ‘I want to do everything I can do so that she can be what I could never be.’”

  She paused while Karen
wrote that down. Getting back to her original point, she asked, “And where does a demand come from? Or, rather, when does deserving or entitlement exist?”

  “In the past?” Karen ventured.

  Claudia nodded. “The dictionary definition of ‘deserve’ is ‘to have a right to because of acts or qualities.’ The dictionary is referring to earning something. When have you earned something?”

  “In the past. Already,” Kimberlee replied.

  “And if you have earned something, thereby deserving it, can it be a gift?”

  Kimberlee shook her head. “No. If it's earned, it's a payment. Not a gift.” Suddenly she exclaimed, “Oh!”

  “What, dear?” Claudia leaned forward, excited.

  “You can't deserve a gift! That's what makes it a gift!”

  Claudia smiled, “Karen realized something similar last year. Regarding her mother deflecting gifts. Do you remember what you saw about receiving when we were getting you ready for Mike becoming a King, Karen?”

  Karen shook her head. “I'm afraid I forgot that part of what you taught me.” She frowned again. “I got so wrapped up in trying to get pregnant that I stopped practicing receiving.”

  She looked sad. “Thinking men are misbehaving sure gets in the way of remembering what you teach.”

  Claudia patted her hand. “It is hard to remember something when you live in a culture that believes the opposite. Please give yourself some credit for what you kept doing well. I am proud of you.”

  Karen's eyes teared up. “But it makes me afraid for the future,” she said. “When we stop our lessons, will I go back to castrating men?”

  Claudia sat back. “That is why I wanted you to have each other. For support. And, if you choose, to begin a community of women who have this information and our point of view.”

  She took a deep breath. “As best as I can tell, the only way to insure that this becomes your way of life, is by being surrounded by like-minded and like-hearted women.”

  KAREN was overwhelmed by a mix of emotions. Regret over forgetting to receive. Sadness and fear over the prospect of their lessons ever ending, and what would cause that. Excitement over the community Claudia mentioned. Could we really do that? Where would we start?

  Thinking of the community they might create, Karen turned back to her notes, recognizing them as a source of certainty and critical to the success of any teaching she might attempt. While she reviewed the day's record, she noticed twice writing, “3 categories of needs.”

  “Claudia?”

  “Yes, dear?”

  “Twice you said, ‘three categories of needs.’ The first is survival and the second is ‘quality of life.’ What's the third category?”

  Claudia's nostrils flared. Recognizing the signs, Karen braced herself for bad news.

  “The third category is needs they have given up on getting.”

  “Oh.”

  “It could be something they need from their job. When they give up on it, they cannot put all their heart into it anymore.” Claudia elaborated, “If they give up on something they need from their partner, the loss of confidence will have them be less passionate and generous in the relationship. Until they are unwilling to live without that need. At that point, they are compelled to go find it.”

  Kimberlee looked stricken.

  “Are you okay?” Karen asked.

  She nodded. “Yeah. It's my best friend. I think her husband may have done that.” Kimberlee gulped. “He never gets any points from her. Now it makes sense why he works all the time. His interns are in awe of him. Or he plays with his kids, who adore him. Big points, I imagine.”

  “Awe and adoration. The points do not get any bigger than that,” Claudia confirmed.

  Karen interjected, “Mike said something to that effect. He said ‘admiration is every man's type.’”

  “That is good way to put it,” Claudia replied. “‘Awe’ is admiration plus fear. It is a heady combination.”

  Fascinating idea, but Karen had a new problem. “How can you tell if someone has given up on getting something from you?”

  “The easiest way is to ask them.”

  Karen felt sick again.

  BURT was focused on staining his projects. He'd chosen the colors to match their hair. A deep warm brown for Karen. A soft black for Kimberlee. He'd picked the hardware to match their individual styles, at least as much as he could surmise by their clothing. Contemporary for Kimberlee; more traditional for Karen.

  When the application of the first coat of stain was complete, he put away his supplies and carefully concealed his treasures. It took awhile to clean up; by the time he finally finished, the garden was empty.

  He expected to find Claudia on the couch and was looking forward to her company and a good foot-rubbing. Surprised to find the living room vacant, he went hunting for his wife.

  It was a beautiful day; maybe she was sitting in the garden, enjoying her handiwork. He might have missed that in his hurry to get inside. He looked out the French doors and checked the carved bench in the far corner. No Claudia.

  Maybe she was hungry and couldn't wait for him to fix lunch. But the kitchen was silent and there were no signs she had been there. He checked the powder room on the way by. Door open, empty.

  Lastly, he went to their bedroom and found Sleeping Beauty. She had even changed into her nightgown before she crawled into bed. She must be exhausted, he thought, to commit to her jammies before dinnertime.

  He quietly closed the curtains to darken the room. He wanted to kiss her forehead and touch the white curl that lay there. But he dared not awaken her. As he carefully closed the door, he considered what this might mean. With a frown, he thought, We've got to make a new deal.

  KIMBERLEE's thoughts raced, but she tried to drive home a little more safely. What do I need? Remembering Claudia's criterion, “always a consequence,” she reviewed her life from end to end, looking for consequences.

  She started with waking up. She liked mornings and was naturally an early riser. She'd jump up cheerful, anticipating her run on the beach. Unless she'd gone to bed past eleven, then she was tired and groggy no matter how late she slept. That's a consequence, she thought. I must need to go to bed by eleven. Duh.

  On the morning after staying late at the office for month-end, she dragged herself out of bed and through her life. For at least the next two days, she recalled. Big consequence. What if I rested the day after? Would it take less time to recover?

  She thought about her team in the days following the big push. They, too, were groggy, cranky, and prone to making mistakes. Which I don't handle well, she thought. I'm more likely to emasculate men when I'm tired. Another big consequence.

  The month-end jam wipes us all out. And we expect to function normally afterwards. That gave her an idea for a deal she'd like to make with Raul. And not a moment too soon, as month-end was later this week. Maybe he'll go for it; we'd all be more productive and effective.

  Thinking about how they would be if she could negotiate recovery time made her think about her date that night. How do I want to be? The centered, open and playful me, she decided. But what has me be that way? She began a mental list:

  CENTERED comes from a good run, ocean time, being clear about what I want, and bubble baths.

  OPEN comes from remembering Claudia's lessons; he's not a hairy woman, he's a provider. PLAYFUL comes from …

  She'd never thought about this quality before hanging around Karen and Mike, recalling their playful interactions. I'm naturally serious. What has me be playful? When have I ever been playful?

  She thought of the day at the office when she'd worn one of her three new dresses. The feel of the soft fabric, the movement of the skirt on her legs, the vibrant teal color. She'd felt light on her feet and flirty. Playful, she realized and remembered seeing the look on Jack's face, reflected in the glass of a framed award. Yes! Perfect thing to wear tonight.

  Approaching her condo, she noticed the hour. She had plenty of
time for both a run on the beach and a bubble bath. Yay.

  KAREN settled at a table with iced tea and a sandwich and diligently attacked her notes. She knew this was partly to avoid wondering what Mike needed that he'd given up on getting from her. She didn't know why, but the very idea terrified her.

  Munching on her sandwich, she reviewed Claudia's assignment:

  Homework:

  1. Ask yourself, “Who do I want to be?” What qualities, capacities, abilities, ways of interacting, etc.

  2. Figure out what I need to be who I want to be. Look especially for physical needs that give me my best qualities; sleep, exercise, good food, nature, etc.

  3. When am I naturally expressing my best/favorite qualities?

  4. When can't I be who I want to be?

  Next, she sorted through the main points of her notes, looking for her flip-chart information.

  Men's relationship to their needs is Immediate.

  Critical and Urgent. “I need, I get.”

  Because Single Focus has him be unaware until the Breaking Point.

  May seem selfish, but isn't necessarily.

  A Provider thinks, “I'm no good to anyone until I get ….”

  Women's relationship to survival needs: “At the last possible moment.”

  Has us wait until we're starving, exhausted, dying to pee.

  Women's relationship to quality-of-life needs: “It would be nice.”

  Has us too often go without.

  She didn't write down Claudia's reference to making babies. Karen had indeed waited until the last possible moment. But not on purpose. Her partnership with Mike had been more important and he hadn't been ready until recently. But that's probably why I was especially stressed out about getting pregnant. Waiting until the last possible moment doesn't lend a woman much grace…

  Correlating needs being met with what we can be for others will help make sure we meet our needs.

  Men's relationship to our needs: “You need, I get.”