“I had to. At that time, I had to do what was best for my family. You won’t understand that until you’re in a marriage that you’re trying to get out of. But I stayed with a woman for years that I didn’t even like, that I didn’t even want to have sex with, just to be a good father to my children, so what would make you think that I wouldn’t be a good father to this child?”
“It honestly wasn’t about if you would be a good father to her. All I knew was that, your focus was on Bridget and your children, not me and my needs, so I assumed that that included my baby. I loved you, but I was miserable being with you, so I made the selfish decision of excluding you so that misery wouldn’t exist while I was pregnant with and raised my daughter.”
I had to stop to keep the tears that I felt on the inside from forming and escaping to the outside. It surprised me how this shit still hurt just as bad as it did back then.
Then, it was as if Amiel simply let the subject of conversation go in order to experience this first meeting with his daughter in happiness. He started asking me questions about her; what her full name was, how it was spelled, when her birthday was, and how her birth went.
He was so interested in every single detail of her.
I shared with him specifics of her personality and habits, some of which he laughed at because he knew them as being his own when he was a child.
Two hours later, I was walking back to my car as Amiel and Ariana walked hand in hand behind me. As I realized that I had to go home and face Blood, so much guilt arose inside of me.
“You’re going to let me see her again, right?”
Amiel looked so anxious. He looked scared that I might not let him see her again.
I also saw a lot of hope.
My heart softened for him, but I shook off the weakness and realized that tomorrow, things could change with him, just as they did when we were together.
I simply nodded as I climbed into the car. I let him enjoy putting Ariana in her car seat. He kissed her repeatedly, told her goodbye, and told her that he loved her.
Once closing the door, he retreated to the inside of my window. His face was so close to mine that it created tension within me.
He looked like he felt the same tension as he told me in the most sincere voice that I had ever heard from his lips, “I miss you.”
Then he looked at me with the same admiration that he had in his eyes when he looked at Ariana, and, again, it scared the shit out of me.
I started the car, changed gears, and simply replied, “Amiel, I have to go.”
He conceded with a nod of his head and moved out of the way so that I could pull off. As I did so, I glanced in the rear view mirror and saw him watching my car as I drove away.
That guilt in the pit of my stomach multiplied as I realized that, regardless of my reservations, that wasn’t going to be the last time that I saw Amiel.
Eight
thursday, May 12, 2011
VICTORIA
“Okay, I let you off the hook long enough. What the hell happened?”
It was five o’clock on Wednesday afternoon. The sun was shining like she was angry and on her period.
Summer was definitely in the building.
I felt good too; damn good.
I was literally skipping as I walked into Tricey’s condo; in high anticipation to go nowhere and do nothing in particular.
But Tricey sounded and looked a hot ass mess. “Giiiirl,” she said with a slight growl and sigh.
“What’s wrong? Did you talk to Amiel?”
I knew that Blood was gone, so it was safe to say the “A” word.
“I talked to him… and I saw him.”
“Saw him?!” I playfully put my hand over my chest as I handed Tricey a bottle of Coconut Ciroc. I was ready to get wasted. DeSire was gone with Taij and I had nothing to do. I was sure that doing those lines before I left work had a lot to do with my giddiness, but I was enjoying it none the less.
I followed Tricey into the kitchen as she continued to look like the world was on her shoulders.
“When did this happen? Where did you see him? How did he look?” I was rambling and Tricey looked at me with a laugh as if I needed to slow down.
My adrenaline was rushing over two hundred miles an hour. My eyes were wide and I was anticipating nothing in particular and for no reason at all.
“I went ahead and called him yesterday. As soon as he answered, he asked me if we could talk in person. I thought, why not? The situation deserved a face to face conversation.” As Tricey spoke, she poured a delicious cocktail of Coconut Ciroc and lemonade. Her cup had way more Ciroc than lemonade though. “Before meeting with him at the park, I figured that I might as well pick Ariana up and take her with me.”
“That was sweet, Tricey.”
“I felt bad, ya’ know? It has been so easy for me to ignore that he even exists. Hearing his voice made me realize that I had literally kept his child from him for two years on some selfish bullshit.”
“I wouldn’t say that you were being selfish. You weren’t ready and now you are; simple as that.”
Tricey sighed as she carried our cups to the table.
“Let’s drink in your room,” I suggested. “I want to get comfortable.” As the lie left my lips, I felt like such a phony. I only wanted to be in her room because it was easier access to her closet.
My stash was running low. I was starting to do more and more lines in one day, and I was down to only one ounce. With the weekend approaching and all of the events that it entailed, I wanted to have a full supply on deck.
“So, what did he say when he saw Ariana?”
As Tricey sat on her bed, I rested on the loveseat in the corner of the 300 square foot bedroom.
“He was so in awe of her. It was shocking, actually. He looked at her like she was the love of his life.” When Tricey spoke, she had such a satisfied smile on her face. “We really just talked about why I didn’t tell him. Then there were a lot of things about her that he wanted to know. I had to cut the visit short because I knew that Blood would be home soon and looking for me and Ariana.”
“So, how do you feel?”
Tricey took a slow and long deep breath. When she answered, she sounded so sincere in her utter confusion. “I don’t know, Vic.”
“Why not?”
“I assumed so many things when I left him at first. I thought he didn’t love me. I thought he didn’t want me.”
“And now?”
“I’m not so sure.”
“Does all of that matter now?”
“To an extent. I have a comfortable life with Blood, I love him because of our history, and I have so much respect for him, but I am not in love with him. I was in love with Amiel, and when I saw him, I remembered how being in love felt. I don’t want Amiel, but I want to love my mate in the same way that I loved Amiel. I want to want my mate, not be with him because I feel like I have to.”
“Do you feel like you have to be with Blood?”
“Who would walk away from this?”
I silenced in answer. I could see the entrapment all over Tricey’s face. She felt stuck in a damn good place and felt stupid for wanting to leave it for the unknown.
“So, are you going to tell Blood about this meeting?”
“Hell no,” Tricey answered immediately, continuously shaking her head as she spoke. “Oh hell no. He would kill me and Amiel.”
“So, what are you going to do? I am sure Amiel wants to see Ariana again.”
“I don’t know. I will figure that out when and if the time comes. It’s too much going on. Blood’s birthday is this weekend. You didn’t forget about the party, did you?”
Blood was having a big birthday bash on Friday. I don’t even know why Tricey asked me such a thing, because I wouldn’t have missed that party for the world. All of Blood’s friends and associates were going to be in the building. It was going to be a party full of men with money, so my single ass definitely had it on my calendar and w
as going to be there by any means necessary.
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
“Now you know Lyric will be there, right?”
“And?”
“I just don’t want any problems. I had the same talk with her.”
“We were able to be in the same room together at your baby shower without there being any issues.”
“Just making sure.”
“I’m not holding on to that shit anymore. It was years ago. She should let it go already! If you forgave me, she should be able to as well.”
Lyric, Tricey, and I use to all be best friends back in grammar and high school. We were actually like sisters. Taij use to date Tricey when we were freshmen. Then she got pregnant and he split, without telling Tricey because he was scared that her crazy ass mama was going to put him in jail for getting a fourteen-year-old girl pregnant when he was damn near eighteen years old. For four years, Tricey stayed in love with Taij. Then, I went off to college, bumped into Taij in class, and fell in love with him too.
Tricey eventually forgave me for falling in love with Taij, but Lyric never did.
“Besides, that nigga is getting married anyway. So tell Lyric that God got me back. She can let the grudge go now.”
“He’s what?!” Tricey damn near choked on her drink. “Taij is getting married?!”
“Sure is!”
“When did you find this out?”
“Last week.”
“Why haven’t you said anything? You’re so calm about it!”
“Because I don’t care.”
And I honestly didn’t. At that very moment, I could think of the love of my life marrying some bitch that he’s only known for not even an entire year, and not even flinch. It didn’t hurt. When I was high, I didn’t care or feel shit, and I loved it.
Fuck loving it; I needed it.
TRICEY
I found myself making love to Blood out of guilt.
I felt so bad for lying and deceiving someone that I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, loved me unconditionally. I felt bad for not loving him back in the same selfless and unconditional way.
He seemed very surprised at my eagerness to fuck him. I’d snuck into the bedroom after he got out of the shower. He was sitting on the love seat that Vic was just occupying a few hours ago. He sat there moisturizing his skin with lotion as the radio played random hits of rap and R&B.
I walked towards him and began to kiss his face. He looked at me both loving and curiously. I simply smiled to hide my frustration. I was actually upset that I didn’t love this man as much as he loved me. I wanted to so desperately. He provided to me and my child what most men would never be willing or able to. Blood loved me in ways that I could never convince any other man in my past to love me.
I wanted so badly to reciprocate his love.
It hurt me that I was hurting him. Blood knew that I didn’t love him how I should, that’s why he suddenly didn’t want me to communicate with Amiel. And knowing that this man has never asked twice about taking care of and loving me, but knew that I didn’t love him like I should, hurt me to the core. I knew that feeling. Amiel was the birth of that feeling in my heart.
It hurt me that I was Blood’s Amiel; that I was that person in his life that he loved without question, but no matter what he did, he didn’t get that same love in return.
As I lifted my gown, straddled Blood, and felt his dick against me, I wondered why I didn’t feel for him what I felt as soon as I laid eyes on Amiel. I was smart enough not to fall head over heels for Amiel again, but I was aware of the feeling and recognized it as what was missing in my current relationship.
When I sat on Blood’s dick, his eyes rolled into the back of his head, he hissed and bit his lip in satisfaction, held on to my ass, sat back and relaxed into my pussy. I watched him and envied what he was feeling. I wanted so badly to be inside of the pure bliss that he was in, but all that I felt was simple penetration; nothing else.
I rode Blood slow and steadily. I listened to his moans in my ear, closed my eyes, and gave him what his moans were asking for. He said my name over and over again. He told me how much he loved me, amongst curses and calling God’s name. It was an orgy of kisses, lust, and penetration, but what was missing for me was what I felt when I saw Amiel; butterflies, passion, chemistry, and love.
I just finished taking a shower and was exiting the bathroom when I literally bumped into Iyana.
Devin and Iyana was at our home so much that it was actually odd when they weren’t there.
“Ooo, I’m so sorry, girl!” Iyana was her normal bubbly and giggly self as she followed me into my bedroom. “I was coming back here looking for you.”
I sat on the bed and began to lotion up while Iyana sat on the love seat in the corner. She looked cute as always; hair long and bouncing, lip gloss popping, five inch stiletto heels, tight skinny jeans that displayed that big ass booty, and a lot of cleavage.
“What’s going on, girl?”
“Nothing much,” Iyana answered with a sigh. “Devin and Blood are in there talking some hush hush ish, so they kicked me out. I don’t know why they gotta keep secrets. I can make runs, but I can’t know the business? That’s bogus.”
“You’re still making runs?”
“This morning I did. Trevor and NeNe were nowhere to be found again.”
The way Iyana spoke so effortlessly about this made my stomach turn. She had no idea what she was getting wrapped up in.
I guess my disappointment showed on my face, because Iyana then said, “Girl, I got this. It’s cool. Devin won’t let anything happen to me. I know that a lot of things happened to you and Blood in the past, but Blood learned a lot from that and so did everybody else.”
“Just be careful, Iyana,” is all I told her as I continued to apply Body Whip to my skin.
“Anyway, girl,” she said with a smile. “What are you going to wear to Blood’s birthday party?”
“I don’t know. I have a few options to choose from, but I can’t decide. What are you wearing? I’m sure you have some cute shit up your sleeve.”
“Of course, I do! Girl, you know how many people gone be there! I gotta look right!”
I giggled in agreement.
“Girl, all the hustlers gone be there- Eddie, Jun, Brock, and some more hustlers from out West and all over the city. Stacia told me that Buddy was coming all the way from California for the party!”
As I listened to Iyana, I wondered how she even knew these people. She’d been Devin’s woman for a matter of months, but she knew of people who had been in the game for years. Buddy was a hustler living in California and an associate of Blood’s, and Stacia was his woman of over ten years.
I had never even spoken to her before.
Iyana was getting way too caught up too quickly. It was very easy to do so. When you go from a regular lifestyle to this one, it’s easy to get caught up in doing what you had to do to maintain it.
Only time and maturity was going to be able to teach Iyana otherwise.
STAR
It was the end of my shift in the laundry room, and I was so damn happy. As I put away the last of the bed linen, I let out a sigh of relief.
I was good and sleepy. It had gotten to the point that I couldn’t eat anything without puking and only wanted to sleep. I felt just like I felt when I was pregnant with Jordan, so I knew that I was pregnant. There were no more ifs, ands, or butts about it.
The reality of that was even exhausting, so I desperately wanted to just go back to my cell and sleep the nervousness away.
“I’m ready, Greg,” I said with a sigh as I walked towards the door.
Greg, the security guard that was guarding me, was also Malik’s friend who looked out for Malik while he spent time with me on many occasions- the same friend that looked out while we had that good sex in the staff bathroom a few days ago. Therefore, he felt comfortable enough with me to “allow” me to call him by his first name, rather than Officer Mills.
However, rather than standing and unlocking the door of the laundry room to allow me to exit so that he could escort me back to my cell, he walked towards me. I moved out of his way, assuming that he was going back into the room to get something that he left on one of the tables during my shift. Yet, when he was in arm’s reach of me, he pulled the waist band of my pants and licked his lips.
I initially thought that he was playing because, like I said, he was Malik’s friend, so he knew that I was Malik’s girl. Therefore, I laughed and gently pushed his hand away, “Greg, stop playin’.”
“Ain’t nobody playin’ with you, girl,” he replied as he looked up and down my body. “C’mon. Let me see what that pussy do.”
As Greg spoke, he aggressively walked closer and closer up on me; pulling on my waist and arms as he forcefully guided me over to the same table that Malik had bent me over on on so many occasions.
He pushed me toward the table and I would push him back. However, he was 6’5” and nearly three-hundred pounds, so fighting him back was really of no use.
As visions of him getting more forceful with me ran through my head, panic shot through me.
I yelled as he attempted to hoist me onto the table. “Greg, stop!”
As we continued to struggle, he put his hand over my mouth tightly.
He was easily winning this fight.
He continued to push and I continued to push back. Still holding my mouth shut, he used his elbow to push me back on the table. In response, I hauled off and slapped him.
He glared at me angrily, but it was like that slap didn’t hurt anyone but me. My hand stung in reaction and I quickly thought of what else I could do.
He held both of my arms in front of me with only one of his hands. His grip was so tight that my bones ached from his tight grasp. As he reached for handcuffs, I became even more terrified. I couldn’t believe that this motherfucker thought that he was about to rape me.
With all of his weight on me, he continued to cover my mouth while attempting to handcuff me with one hand. To make the noise that my mouth no longer could, I kicked my legs and attempted to make noise with my feet. Greg’s force became even more powerful in return, leaning against me with all of his body weight and nearly digging his nails into my face to quiet my already muffled screams.
Good Girls Ain't No Fun Boxed Set (The SIX romance and urban fiction volumes of the LOVE, SEX, LIES series) Page 61