Just Once

by Rebecca Brooke

  “The point is that Danielle didn’t handle her husband’s death very well.”

  “I can’t imagine anyone handling that well.”

  “That’s an understatement. Danielle buried her pain in work. She moved in with her brother and worked herself to exhaustion. She wouldn’t go out, didn’t talk to her friends. It was as if she buried part of herself when she buried Nate.”

  He couldn’t be right. That did not even begin to describe the woman I met only a few short months ago. “Danielle seems so happy now. She has you and little Nate.”

  He nodded, but kept his eyes on the road. “She does, but it took a long time for us to get there.”

  I had a hard time reconciling the Danielle I knew with the woman he described. That easily, I was completely drawn into the story. “What happened?”

  “I’m not sure if your unit works the same as ours, but we all have a letter to be delivered to someone if we’re killed in action. Sometimes there is more than one letter to be delivered.”

  “No, we don’t have anything like that. Pilots consider that stuff to be bad juju.”

  “I didn’t think many units did. With the high risk nature of our job, it’s like our final good-bye.”

  “Makes sense. I still don’t get what any of this has to do with Colin and me.” By now I was sitting sideways in my seat. I didn’t think Tanner would lie to me, but I still wanted to see his reaction to all of this.

  “It has everything to do with you and Colin. Danielle and I met the day I dropped off the letter from Nate.”

  “Wait, what? Really?” Everyone has heard the phrase “Don’t shoot the messenger” but that would rock a person. It had to. How could she deal with him bringing her such news?

  He peeked at me from the corner of his eye, then moved them back to the road. “I can tell what you’re thinking. Normally the chaplain delivers our letters, but Nate asked me to do it personally.”

  “That’s a lot to ask of someone.”

  “It is. And while I grieve for my friend, I can’t regret where it led us. It wasn’t all sunshine and roses, though. After we started dating, she pushed me away. She thought she was broken; a shell of the woman she was before. She was afraid she could never love again, and said I deserved to find someone who could return my love.”

  “Apparently she changed her mind.”

  He laughed humorlessly. “I wish it had been that simple. It was actually Colin who confronted her about bottling up her feelings. He brought the love of my life back to me. And now I’m going to do the same for him.”

  I scoffed. “Yeah, I really think you should talk to Colin first. He doesn’t love me. He might care about me but it’s nothing more. And I’m not even sure about that now.”

  “That man loves you.”

  “How do you know?” I crossed my arms over my chest and sat back in the seat, curious as to what made him to jump to such ridiculous conclusions.

  He pulled the car into one of the spaces outside Colin’s apartment and turned completely to face me. “Because that letter he has, the one in case he dies . . . it’s now addressed to you.”

  I gasped. “What? That can’t be right.”

  He smiled. “It can. He changed it the morning we found out about the mission.”

  “But . . . why? You guys get sent on missions all the time.”

  “Yeah, but Nate’s death happened when they were being flown up to deal with a group of insurgents in the mountains. Sound familiar?”

  I covered my mouth with my hand. “Oh God.”

  “Now you see why he was so freaked out before you left.”

  “Yes. But how do I prove to him that I all I want is him?”

  He gestured toward the building. “You see him at his lowest.”

  His lowest. I’d been there when he was attached to all the machines. I’d held his hand, slept next to his bed. All through the rehab, right up until the day I shipped out, even when the last thing I wanted to do was subject myself to the weird atmosphere that had built between us—I was there for it all. I pushed the memory away and swallowed past the lump in my throat. “And I haven’t been there at his lowest?”

  His eyes dropped to the floor of the car. “I wish.”

  “What am I going to find in there?” I asked cautiously.

  Tanner lifted his head and turned to me. “A man who’s lost all hope. He’s not the same man you left behind, Joey. All the frustration, the anger . . . it’s caught up with him.

  “He started drinking. At first it was only one or two. Now when he leaves therapy, he spends a few hours at the bar. Greg and I think it might be PTSD, but he’s too afraid of losing his career to get the help he needs.”

  “Why would you think it’s PTSD and not simply depression? He’s had a bunch of setbacks with his therapy. It’s understandable that he might be feeling low.”

  “Except that doesn’t explain the constant nightmares, or his sudden fear of flying.”

  “His what?” I almost yelled.

  Constant nightmares?

  Fear of flying?

  I thought back to the last night before I left. The night he woke with a nightmare. He’d said it was nothing. He never gave me any indication that it had happened before. And a fear of flying? That was absurd. Colin was fearless.

  At least, he used to be.

  “He didn’t tell any of us. But the medic that flew back with him had to sedate him during the flight.”

  Things were worse than I imagined. “And what do you think I’m going to be able to do?”

  “I’m hoping you can get him to talk to someone.”

  “He hasn’t listened to any of you, people who have known him for years, and you think I can get him to agree to talk to someone?

  “We have. And while he cares about us, he’s not in love with any of us.”

  I sighed and looked from Tanner to the door and back again. Would I be able to face him knowing there was a chance he’d turn me away? The few weeks of not hearing from him hurt enough, I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to walk through that door and have him push me away all over again. I held my hand against my chest to hold in the pain that wanted to explode with that simple thought. It seemed better not to know.

  “I’m not sure I can do it. You’re right when you say I love him, which is why I don’t know if I can go in there and hear him tell me to leave.”

  “Remember how I asked you not to give up on him?”

  I nodded, memories of the conversation floating through my head.

  “We need you, Joey. Colin needs you—now more than ever. Even if he has a hard time admitting that.”

  Now more than ever.

  And I knew it. Even if I didn’t want to know, I knew that regret would tear me apart if I didn’t walk through that door. I’d always wonder “What if?”

  What if we could have worked it out?

  What if I had been the one who could have saved him?

  What if I made the wrong choice?

  My hands trembled as I unbuckled my belt and climbed from the car, a million different scenarios parading through my mind. I took long, deep breaths trying to prepare myself for what I’d find inside. Tanner gave my shoulder a quick squeeze on the way by.

  “Does he know we’re coming?” I asked as we approached the door.

  “No. Greg does. Colin has barely left his room in the last three days. I’m not even sure he knows you’re home. Danielle manages to get him to PT. The only other place he goes to is the bar where you met. One of us usually has to pick him up . . . by that time he’s absolutely shitfaced.”

  I almost grabbed Tanner’s hand as he reached for the doorknob, but something stopped me. The door swung open. Greg sat on the couch, his head in his hands.

  “Greg?”

  Greg looked up. He had dark circles lining bloodshot eyes. It was obvious the toll Colin’s illness had taken on him. On all of his friends.

  “I’m not sure how much longer we can hide this,” he said to Tanner. �
�We’re going to have to admit him against his will soon.”

  “Where is he?” I stepped forward.

  “Joey?” Greg stood, hope lighting his eyes.

  “You seem surprised to see me?”

  “To be honest, after the way Colin has treated you, I didn’t think Tanner could convince you to come.”

  “I love him.”

  Greg walked over and wrapped me an embrace. The simple touch gave me the confidence to face what could be my biggest heartbreak.

  “Where is he?”

  “Locked in his room. Danielle somehow convinced him to leave the bar after only a few drinks. He came home and slept off most of it . . . until the nightmares started.”

  He seemed rattled by just the mention of it.

  “How bad are they?”

  “Enough that it freaks me the fuck out. I’m surprised his screams haven’t traveled to the other apartments.”

  I closed my eyes and did the best I could to steady myself. Greg stopped me on the way by. “He screams your name.”

  I stopped still.

  “I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but you need to know. After Nate died, he got them all the time. I’d wake up and hear him calling out for Nate, over and over. And then he met you.”

  Tears welled in my eyes.

  Colin.

  Oh, Colin.

  “I’m pretty sure it’s your death he sees now. With the way he screams your name, the tears on his face. He’s terrified, Joey. And I can’t do anything to help him.”

  A rock settled in the pit of my stomach. He was dreaming about my death. “Thanks for telling me.”

  He nodded and let go. I made my way down the short hall toward the one closed door. The muffled sounds of crying reach my ears.

  I opened the door carefully, so as not to scare or startle Colin. The Army might still have a long way to go when it came to PTSD, but they’d come far from where they’d been. After some of the friendly fire deaths because of PTSD, they’d taught us the warning signs, and ways to handle another soldier until medical personnel could arrive. Greg and Tanner could sedate him if need be, but I didn’t want them to have to make that decision.

  I stepped into the darkened room. My heart ached at the sight before me. Colin was thinner than the last time I saw him, his leg was no longer cased in the stabilizing brace. I watched as his shoulders shook with the force of his cries and the overwhelming urge to comfort him became too much.

  “Colin,” I whispered.

  His head snapped up and I almost gasped at the man who sat before me, the dark circles around Greg’s eyes nothing compared to the bags that hung below Colin’s. His eyes were rimmed with red, bloodshot from tears and exhaustion. But what stood out most, was the empty, haunted look in his eyes.

  “Joey?” he asked, almost as if he couldn’t believe I was standing in front of him.

  With measured steps, I walked toward his bed and sat down on the edge next to him.

  “It’s me.”

  Chapter 26

  Colin

  Could it really be her? Something in the back of my head screamed no. She was still in Afghanistan.

  Or at least I was pretty sure she was.

  Lately all of my days blended together: PT, drink, pass out, nightmare. The cycle continued over and over again, each and every day. The vision next to me was most likely a figment of my imagination. Like a man in a desert seeing an oasis, it was just another way for my mind to torture me. But it was bad enough not being able to sleep because of it. Now it was happening when I was awake too?

  A chill spread through me. I wrapped my arms around myself and began to rock back and forth.

  “Please, don’t die. Please, don’t die.” I begged even though no one could hear me, because it at least made me feel like I was doing something to protect her.

  “I’m not going to die. I’m right here.”

  I knew it was my mind playing tricks on me again. After the way I pushed her away, Joey would never come to me. Trying to get as far away from the voice as possible, I scooted back on the bed until I hit the headboard.

  Fear, the same that plagued me in every nightmare, tore through me. My heart felt like it was in my throat. I buried my face in my hands hoping that for once I could ignore it all, because if the drink couldn’t help me, I wasn’t sure what I had left.

  “You’re not real. Leave me alone. Please,” I begged.

  Small hands covered mine and slowly pried them away from my face. “Please, Colin. Look at me.”

  I squeezed my eyes closed. “No. Even though you aren’t real, I still can’t save you.”

  “I don’t need to be saved.”

  “You do. If I don’t, you’ll die.”

  “I’m not dead and I won’t die.” Her voice had grown thicker. That was new. Usually in my nightmares her voice remained the same, right up until she screamed my name.

  “Yes—”

  My words halted on the tip of my tongue when the softest lips I’d ever felt caressed mine. The feel was familiar, but it was the sweet taste of cherry that tugged at me. If this was all a horrible nightmare, where Joey would be taken from me at any moment, I shouldn’t be able to taste her lips. The feel of them, maybe, but not the taste.

  Forcing my eyes open, I came face to face with the bluest eyes on the planet. Eyes that my nightmares had never done justice. And at the back of my mind I wondered why everything about this time was different. The smells, the touch, the taste. Everything was more . . . real.

  Without another thought I deepened the kiss, desperate to have more. More of her flavor on my tongue, more of her soft curves pressed against me, more time.

  More Joey.

  Our tongues dueled and I could feel her heart racing against my chest, the steady rhythm comforting after seeing her die in another dream, her body warm and oh-so-tempting.

  She was the first to break the kiss and pull back. Her gaze focused on me, searching for something. Lifting her hand, she caressed my cheek. “I missed you so much, Colin. There’s something I need to tell you. I lo—”

  Reality slammed into me the moment she began to speak the three words I feared the most.

  Joey was here.

  And about to tell me she loved me.

  “You shouldn’t be here.” I moved off the bed and took a step back. My movements were slow and jerky, but it was as far as my therapy had been able to take me.

  Her eyes glazed over, tears threatening.

  I didn’t want to give her hope. Even though I’d already hurt her, I knew one more push would send her flying out that door, never to return. It was the last thing I wanted to do. The coward in me wanted to hold on to her and never let her go. That Colin wanted to steal her away from the world, keeping her to himself.

  But that couldn’t happen.

  She needed to get as far away as possible, to find someone who would make her happy; who could treat her the way she deserved. I could wallow in my own self-pity for the one that got away. The pain may never subside, but I wouldn’t want it to. Holding onto that pain would mean holding onto the memories of our time together, and if that’s all I could have, I’d take it.

  But she needed to go.

  “As you can see I’m fine, now I think it’s time for you to go.

  She brushed away the tears threatening to spill down her cheeks, her resolve clear across her soft features. “I will not go away.”

  “Joey, I don’t want you here.”

  “You may not want me here, but too fucking bad. You’re stuck with me.”

  “Joey—”

  “Don’t start with me,” she snapped.

  There she was. The woman I fell in love with. The woman who would stand up to me, no matter the situation. The tenacity, the fight. The things that had drawn me to her and made it so she wormed her way into my heart.

  I’d miss it.

  “You don’t get to do this, Colin. I just got off a fifteen-hour flight, I haven’t slept in my own bed in mon
ths, and I could really use a long, hot shower. Yet I skip all of that to come see you. To help you. To save you.”

  “I don’t need saving.” I turned to walk out of the room but Joey was having none of it, stepping in front of me, blocking my path.

  She gestured around the room. “Have you looked in a mirror lately? I may have just come from the desert, but I can guarantee that I don’t look anywhere near as bad as you. You’re hungover, this room smells like the nastiest latrine in boot camp, and you look like you’ve been hit by a semi. So please don’t insult me by telling me you don’t need anyone’s help when you so clearly do.”

  “Like I told Greg, Tanner, and Danielle—I’m fine. There is nothing wrong with me, besides the fact that my stupid leg still won’t work right.”

  “We can deal with one issue at a time, and right now that one isn’t even topping the list.”

  “And what list is that? The only issue I have is you standing here, trying to tell me what to do.”

  “Well someone has to before you ruin your career.”

  I slammed my fist against the top of the dresser, sending old receipts and whatever else littered the surface flying to the floor. “My career is already fucking ruined! Because of a fucking helicopter crash. A helicopter that only crashed because you were flying it and couldn’t avoid the fucking missiles. What kind of pilot are you, Joey?”

  Joey flew from her seat like it burned her. “I knew I shouldn’t have come.” She spun on her heel and reached for the handle on the door.

  “Too right you shouldn’t have, so now you can go. You’ve done your duty—you’ve checked in on poor Colin. Consider yourself absolved of all guilt. Now do me a favor and leave!”

  Her whole body stiffened. The atmosphere in the room dropped, the tension in the room wrapping around my chest, squeezing like a vice. And that was nothing compared to the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as she did what I asked.

  She walked out the door.

  The Joey I knew and loved would never have let me push her around. She would have stood up to me, pushed back. The fact that she’d gone meant only one thing.