Barjack and the Unwelcome Ghost

by Robert J Conley

  We was all a-riding horse back back into town, and I brung myself up alongside Miss Polly Pistol.

  “Miss Polly,” I said, “you really done yourself proud out there today. If you don’t mind me saying it, you’re a damn good shooter.”

  “Thank you, Marshal,” she said.

  “How come you to get so good at it?”

  “My daddy taught me to shoot when I was ten years old,” she said. “He told me, you never know when you might need it. I kept up my practice all these years.”

  Well, a’ course, I never knowed how old she was, and I admit that I did wonder just how many years she was talking about. I guessed, though, that she sure as hell weren’t yet thirty. Anyhow, she’d had a-plenty a’ practice, and that there’s for sure and certain.

  “Could I ask you,” I said, “what the hell brought you to Asininity of all damn places?”

  “Sure,” she said. “You got a right to know, being town marshal and all. I’m hunting a man I mean to kill.”

  “Oh?” I said, kinda stupidlike. But I thunk about what it was she said, and I could sure see her doing it. I hadn’t knowed many men who could beat her in a gunfight. Course, shooting bottles off a log and shooting a live man what is shooting back at you is two whole and entire different things. Still, if it come to it, I woulda bet on Polly, and you can believe that.

  “You most likely want to know a little more about it,” Polly said.

  “Well, I—”

  “I’ll tell you. I come from down around Baxter Springs, Kansas.”

  “I been there,” I said.

  “Well, a man come through a few months ago, and he went to courting me. I admit I fell for him. I fell hard. He was a pretty good-looking fellow, and he was a real gentleman too. Finally, he proposed marriage to me, and I accepted. We set a date, but before it come up, he went and seduced my baby sister. He left her pregnant. When she told me about it, he had done left town, so I packed up and took off after his ass.”

  “Well,” I said, clearing my throat kind a nervouslike, “I reckon I can’t blame you for that. You think he come through Asininity, do you?”

  “I’m pretty damn sure about it,” she said.

  “What’s the son of a bitch’s name?” I said. “Maybe I heared of him.”

  “The son of a bitch is named Hiram Cody,” she said. “He pronounces it like harm, and that’s what most folks call him. Well, I tell you, I mean to harm him all right. I mean to harm him right into his grave.”

  “Well, Miss Polly,” I said, “that is a hell of a thing. He has sure as hell been through Asininity. He come through with a handful a’ tough guys and they robbed our bank. I went after them with a posse, most of which is right here with us, and one a’ the gang got hisself kilt, and we recovered the money, but we never did catch up with that goddamned Harm fellow.”

  “Which way was he headed?” she said.

  “Last I knowed,” I said, “he was moving south, but that ain’t all.”

  “I’m listening,” she said.

  “There’s someone else on his trail.”

  “Who?”

  “The Churkee name a’ Mose Miller. He was at my Hooch House earlier. He’s got his reasons too, but he was with my posse, and he got hisself shot up some. That’s why he didn’t come shooting, he’s still recooper—whatever you call it—getting better.”

  “I’d like to talk to him,” she said.

  “I reckon we can deal with that,” I said. “I was going to go after that damn Harm again, but someone said he would most likely be coming back to Asininity, so I decided to take a chance that he would do that.”

  “Why would he come back?” she ast me.

  “To get the money what we tuck back from him,” I said, “and maybe to get hisself a little revenge, you know.”

  “Yeah,” she said, kinda slow, like she was a-thinking about it. “He might just do that.”

  “And he might have three or four men with him whenever he does,” I said.

  “He can have a goddamned army,” Polly said. “I’ll still get his ass.”

  And I believed she would too. Right about then, ole Bonnie got suspicious about me riding along and talking with Polly for so long, and she rid up and kinda squeezed in betwixt us, so we cut out our talking.

  “Cute ass,” I said, “you done pretty good out there today. I reckon I ain’t askeered a’ letting you tote that there little Merwin and Hulbert atall.”

  “Thanks, Barjack,” she said. “Course, I ain’t near as good as Miss Polly here.”

  “I think you can take care a’ yourself all right,” I told her.

  “I’m more interested in taking keer a’ you,” she said, “in case that damn Cody comes back to Asininity a-looking for you.”

  “Oh yeah,” I said, “Miss Polly here is after that son of a bitch too.”

  “What?” Bonnie said. “What for?”

  I let Polly tell her whole tale all over again, this time for the benefit of ole Bonnie, and then Bonnie was real hot after his ass.

  “If you don’t get the son of a bitch,” she said to Polly, “I’ll get him for you.”

  I was thinking that it was kinda nice to have two gunslinging females a-watching out for me. When we had made it back into town, I had Happy take Miss Polly up to see the Churkee, and made Dingle get the horses back to the stable. Then I led the way back into the Hooch House to my private table. Ole Aubrey seed us come in and served drinks all around right away. Even Sly set down with us to have one.

  Chapter Nine

  Well, I guess I had to be put to bed again that night. I don’t really recall nothing atall about it. The last thing I remember was setting there feeling a bit woozy and having another drink a’ my good whiskey, and then I woked up in my own bed with ole Bonnie a-snoring away right next to me. I eased my ass outta that bed real careful-like and got myself dressed and went downstairs a-hunting a drink and some breakfast. I was real pleasant surprised to find damn near the whole gang already there a-setting at my own private table.

  “Well, goddamn,” I said, “who the hell invited all a’ you here this morning?”

  Butcher and Happy stood up right quick, and ole Happy, he said, “I’m sorry, Barjack. We can go somewhere else.”

  “Oh, set your ass back down,” I said. “Can’t you never tell when it is you’re a-being joshed around?”

  They both set back down, and right about then, ole Aubrey called out to me from over behind the bar. “Coffee and whiskey, Barjack?” he said.

  “Yeah, Aubrey,” I said. “As fast as ever you can.”

  He was purty fast too, and the first thing I done was I tuck myself a slug a’ that whiskey. Then I sipped some coffee. Then I looked up at Aubrey, still standing right there, and I said, “Bring me my breakfast too.” He said, “Yes, sir,” and he hustled off to get it did.

  About then that Miss Polly come in, and she seed us and come right on over to set down with us. She ordered a breakfast and some coffee, and she howdied ever’one around the table. They all howdied her right back.

  “Well, hell,” I said, “has anyone kilt anyone while I was a-sleeping?”

  “No, sir,” said Happy. “It was a right quiet night.”

  “That’s right, Marshal,” Butcher said. “I didn’t hear nothing but one ole barking pup.”

  “Nobody even shot the pup,” said Dingle, looking up for just a bit from his scribbling.

  “I thought about going out to find it and shoot it myself,” Polly said.

  Just then Bonnie come a-bouncing down the stairs, her tits looking like two big old water skins on the deck of a schooner at sea during a hellacious gale. She come right over to me and give me a big wet, slobbery kiss, and then she give loud cheerful greetings to ever’one around the table. She was a-wearing that gun hanging around her neck too. Final she set down by my side.

  Well, I et my food and dranked several cups a’ coffee and the rest a’ the glass a’ whiskey, and then I said, “Say, has anyone a’ you
bastards seed that old Churkee late?”

  No one had, so I went on, “I think I’ll run over and check on him. See how he’s doing.”

  So I left them all a-setting at my table and went outside and on over to Doc’s place. When I went in there, there weren’t no sign a’ Doc, so I just peeked into the back room. There weren’t no sign a’ Churkee in there neither. “Well, goddamn me,” I said. I opened ever’ other door in the place, but I never found no sign a’ Doc or Miller, so I headed back for the Hooch House a-scratching my head. As I was walking along I spied ole Doc coming outta Lillian’s fancy eating establishment and I give him a loud yell. He answered me and we met up in the middle a the street.

  “What can I do for you, Marshal?” he ast me.

  “I just come outta your office,” I said, “and I couldn’t find no Churkee. Where the hell is he?”

  “He got hisself up early this morning and left out,” Doc said. “I tried to stop him, but he wouldn’t listen to me. I told him it was too soon, but he said he had stuff to take keer of.”

  “Goddamn,” I said.

  “Wasn’t nothing I could do about it.”

  I left Doc and walked on to the stable, where I found out that Miller had got his horse, saddled it up, and rid outta town headed south. He was packing his six-guns and a Winchester. I cussed again and went on back to the Hooch House. I was still a-cussing whenever I set back down by Bonnie, and a’ course, she wanted to know how come.

  “What the hell’s wrong with you, Barjack?” she said.

  “Oh, that damned Churkee,” I said.

  “What about him?”

  “He went and got hisself outta bed and got his guns and his horse and tuck off, heading south,” I said.

  “He’s gone after that Cody,” said Happy. “I’ll betcha.”

  “Hell, yes, that’s what he’s did,” I said. “What else?”

  “Well, are we going after him, Barjack?” said Butcher.

  “No, we ain’t,” I said. “He never ast me. And there ain’t no telling where that son of a bitch Cody is at by this time. What if we was to catch up to Miller and find out that he’s done kilt Cody? Then what sense would it make that we had went after him? Tell me that.”

  “Well,” said Happy, “what if we was to find out that Cody had killed Miller?”

  “It would be outside a’ my jurisdiction,” I said, “and there wouldn’t be nothing we could do about it. But most likely, we would catch up with Miller and find out that he hadn’t come across Cody atall, and we still wouldn’t have no idee how far south the son of a bitch had got to. We ain’t going nowhere, and I don’t want to hear no more about it.”

  “Okay, Barjack,” Happy said.

  “Just shut up about it,” I said.

  “All right,” said Happy.

  Polly, what was a-setting there too, downed her drink and said, “Well, I’d go after him, but I don’t want Miller gunning him. I want to catch up to him by my lonesome.”

  “Well, hell,” I said, “Miller’s apt to get him first.”

  “He might,” she said, “but you told me a while back that Harm’s liable to come back here. I might as well hang around for a spell and see.”

  “Do whatever it is you want to do,” I told her. “I don’t give a shit.”

  “I aim to,” she said.

  “That goddamned stupid Churkee is apt to get hisself kilt,” I said.

  “I thought you didn’t want to talk about it no more,” said Happy.

  “I don’t, so just shut up about it.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  Happy was just about to piss me off with his goddamn silliness. I guess Bonnie could see it, on account a’ she of a sudden invited me to go upstairs with her. I finished off my drink and allowed her to take me along. We was upstairs a-bouncing around for a spell, and we wound up by just a-laying there on the bed together, still nekkid as a couple of damn jaybirds.

  “What’s wrong, Barjack?” she said.

  “Ain’t nothing wrong,” I said. “What made you ask me such a question anyhow?”

  “You’re sullen,” she said. “Kinda almost poutinglike.”

  “Well, there ain’t nothing wrong, and that’s that.”

  “Now, looky here,” she said. “I can tell when you got something on your mind. You just—”

  “I don’t want to hear no more about it,” I snapped back at her.

  “All right,” she said, and she got up and started in to getting dressed again. I watched her a-wiggling her fat ass into her underthings and then into her dress. It made me think about someone a-trying to stuff a bunch a’ live quail into a sack. When I got tired a’ watching, I got up to pull on my clothes. In a few more minutes we was back down to my table. The ole Widdamaker had come in and set down. He stood up and doffed his hat to ole Bonnie and made her giggle like a silly little girl.

  “Howdy, Sly,” I said.

  Aubrey brung me and Bonnie our drinks, and Bonnie, on account a’ Sly was there, I think, thanked Aubrey real kindlylike. I was already drinking outta mine.

  “Hey,” said Happy, “it’s Miller.”

  “What the hell?” I said. “I told you I don’t wanta hear no more about—”

  “No, Barjack,” Happy said. “He’s here.”

  I twisted around to look, and sure enough, here come the Churkee walking straight over to my table. Ever’one howdied him, and he pulled out a chair and set his ass down.

  “I had just about figgered you was dead,” I said.

  “No,” he said, “but I found him.”

  “Where?” said Polly.

  “I came across his camp on the road,” Miller said.

  “And you never kilt him?” I said.

  “He has twelve men with him,” said Miller. “I didn’t think the odds were in my favor.”

  “Twelve?” said Butcher.

  “They’re coming back here,” Miller said.

  “How do you know that?” I ast him.

  “I managed to sneak up close to the camp and listen in on their conversation. They’re planning to hit Asininity tomorrow evening just before the bank closes. They mean to rob the bank and kill you, Barjack. Cody thinks they killed me already. Then they plan to burn the town down. The whole place, starting with the Hooch House.”

  “They’ll play hell trying,” said Bonnie, grabbing on to her six-shooter with her right hand. She never pulled it out, though.

  “You heared all that for sure?” I ast him.

  “I did,” he said. “For sure.”

  “Tomorrow night?” I said.

  “Yes, sir,” he said. “Tomorrow night.”

  I looked over and seen ole Dingle a-scribbling away. “We’ll be ready for them,” I said. I stood up.

  “Where you going, Barjack?” said Bonnie.

  “I’m a-going down to my marshaling office to think this over. I got to make some plans.” I thunk a bit before I headed on out, and then I said, “Happy, come on along with me.” He jumped up to foller me along.

  “Yes, sir,” he said.

  The first thing I done whenever we was in my marshaling office was to take out my bottle what was stashed in a desk drawer along with a couple a’ glasses and pour us each a drink. Then I tuck a good long slug outta mine. “Happy,” I said, “we got to get our ass braced for them bastards. They think that with thirteen of them all told they’re just going to ride in here and wipe us out. Well, it ain’t a-going to happen like that.”

  “So what will we do, Barjack?”

  “I aim to put you and Butcher up on the roofs of our two southern-most buildings. You on one side and Butcher on t’other, each one a’ you with a rifle and a extry box a’ shells. Whatever one a’ you sees them a-coming first, stand up and wave your hat three times over your head. That’ll signal the rest of us. I’ll put Dingle and Miller inside of a couple a’ buildings a little farther down. They’ll have rifles too. Polly too if she wants to. Me and Sly will meet them out in the middle a’ the street.”


  “That’s still seven to thirteen,” he said.

  “Hell, I know it. I figure each one of us can pick off at least two of them.”

  “Yeah. I reckon so.”

  “All right then,” I said. “We’ll do it thattaway. We’ll have to tell the others right away. And we’ll get set up tomorrer afternoon to be sure we’re ready for them whenever they ride in.”

  “We’ll give the bastards a hell of a surprise, won’t we, Barjack?”

  “We sure as hell will, Happy. That’s the general idee.”

  I told Happy to stand up and wave his hat as soon as he seed them coming, and then we walked back down to the Hooch House. We told Butcher and Dingle and Miller and Polly and Bonnie all about our plan, and they each one agreed with it. Ole Bonnie, she insisted that she take part in the defense of Asininity, so I tole her that I’d put her in a storefront too.

  “With a rifle,” she said.

  “With a goddamned rifle and a extry box a’ shells,” I said.

  So that was ever’one ‘cept old Sly, and I tole them that I had to go locate him and tell him all about it. I finished a drink and went out to look for him. He weren’t in Lillian’s, that’s his wife and my ex-wife’s fancy eating place, and she tole me that he must be at home with the brat. I didn’t really want to go to that goddamned house what used to be mine, nor I didn’t want to see the little brat what used to be mine, but I sure as hell did need to see the Widdamaker, so I headed on over in that direction.

  Whenever I got over there, I never noticed it at first, but the damn little brat was up in a bois d’arc tree in front a’ the house. As I walked on toward the front door, the little shit throwed a goddamned big horse apple at me, and it smacked me right atop a’ the head. It’s a damn good thing I had my hat on. As it was, it raised a lump, and it knocked me off a’ my feet. I landed facedown in the grass, and I heared him a-snickering up there. Soon as I was able, I got back up on my feet and I located the little shit, and I shuck my fist at him.

  “You little fucker,” I yelled. “You get your ass down here, and I’ll by God skin it for you.”