The Milestone Tapes

by Ashley Mackler-Paternostro

  The house was full of family, laughter, love, conversation, and suddenly being sick wasn’t the only thing that hovered over them, it was happiness. Jenna had, unexpectedly, settled into a loving peace, balanced by all the people she adored so easily.

  “Jenna ... ” Sophia gestured to her sister to sit beside her on a bleached driftwood log. “I’m worried.” Sophia rested her hands on her lap and turned her face upwards towards the faint light of the afternoon sun.

  “About what?” Jenna sat beside Sophia, turning in concern to her sister, her brows scrunching together in worry.

  “You,” Sophia said simply. This was the conversation, Jenna could feel it, that they had been skirting around since her arrival all those weeks ago. The reason for her visit, the reason for her extended stay.

  “Oh, Soph, I’m okay. Really,” Jenna tried to reassure her sister. But, if she were being honest, lately her level of energy had dipped. By five o’clock, she was ready for bed, and mornings were harder than before.

  “Jenna, don’t you dare lie to me.” Sophia slipped into the tone Jenna had learned to associate with Sophia’s mothering style. Firm, honest and no nonsense, it left no room for dishonesty, you wanted to tell Sophia everything instantly. She eyed Jenna, daring her to disobey.

  Jenna looked down the beach at the hoard of children playing in the shallow tide. Ginny hovering nearby, lugging a paper sack full of oyster shells. Laughing with them as they dug their chubby hands in the black sand of crushed rock, the small waves lapping their chubby baby legs.

  “I can’t stay here forever Jenna. I need you to be straight with me so I can make some choices on my end of things.” Sophia gathered Jenna’s hands in her own, squeezing them tightly. “I’m not going to leave you, I’m not going to leave Mia or Gabe, if you tell me you’re fine and you mean it, I’m not going to say ‘mission accomplished’ and pack up and go. But I am here to help you, comfort you, love you. I want to know that this time we have isn’t wasted on pretending like this is a vacation.” Sophia squeezed harder.

  Jenna inhaled deep and pushed the air out of her lungs hard. It was uncomfortable to talk about things like this, in this moment, when there was so much good all around them.

  “Today, I’m okay. That wasn’t a lie,” Jenna started, biting down hard on her lip, willing herself to continue, pushing forward the full disclosure. “But yesterday, I was exhausted. But, the kind of tired I feel is different. It’s not like the ‘I’m tired because I chased after kids all day’ tired. My whole body hurts.” Jenna’s eyes welled with tears, and she closed them, wishing them away.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” Sophia’s voice crested with concern.

  “Because that’s the whole the point, Soph. Of all of this. What I’ve been trying to do, and why I made the choices I did. I knew all sorts of things would be coming down the pipeline for me when I decided what I did. I knew there would be days I’d hurt, days I’d have to literally drag myself from bed and force myself to do everything. But, it’s a trade. A pretty fair trade for days like this.” Jenna gestured down the beach towards the children busily burying their bare feet in the granite sand.

  Sophia nodded her head reflectively, looking towards her children soaking up the surprise sun and laughing at the carefree little lives they led. Jenna continued on.

  “When the doctor told me that there wasn’t a fight anymore, well, not a fight I could reasonably win, I made this choice. I know this isn’t the sort of choice everyone would make, and I know there are many, many people who would choose differently in my shoes. But, until it’s you on the bad side of the doctor’s desk, you can’t know, it’s not something anyone can know until it’s in their face.

  “At the end of the day, it was like this: I was absent for three very important years from Mia’s life. I watched her grow up in pictures and on the outskirts. I couldn’t be a real mother because I couldn’t even be a real person half the time. I was sick from the chemo and treatments, and when I wasn’t sick, I was getting ready to be sick or getting over being sick. I finally had this beautiful, healthy baby that I wanted so hard, I had ached for it. And then it happened, she happened, and I had three years of bliss. More happiness than anyone should be allowed. I had this fantastic husband, this successful career, this lovely little baby, my dream home. I was lucky, luckier than I had any right to be.

  “Then, out of nowhere, I had to hand my baby off to someone else. Someone else to prepare her meals, to play with her, to comfort her. I had to retire my career, because I couldn’t get out of bed most days, let alone write a novel. I had to ask my husband to brush my hair out when the chemo took that from me, and clean up my vomit when I was too weak to get out of bed, to dress my wounds when I willingly relinquished my breasts.

  “So, when the doctor told me I could have some time, some real time, without treatments and trips to Seattle and banishment to my bedroom, I grabbed it. What else could I do? We were talking a few days difference, either way. It didn’t make sense to waste what was left. And now, I’m not letting go. I may be tired, and I may have aches and pains ... but I’ve also had way worse. And, at least, I have this.” Jenna wiped under her eyes with the sleeve of her sweatshirt and looked out across the Pacific Bay.

  Sophia nodded solemnly, their fingers still interlaced.

  “I’m going to get worse. The bad days will become more frequent, from what I’ve been told. And eventually I’ll be on medication to control the pain and keep me comfortable, and I’ll never get better—today is my last best day, yesterday was better and tomorrow will be worse. But, until that time, I’m going to enjoy this and just be really present. I want that for Mia, for Gabe, and for myself. It was never a choice.” Jenna smiled then. She had finally said the words to her sister, given her the reasoning and logic and she hoped she understood. It felt liberating.

  Sophia sat quietly reflective beside her. “Alex and I are getting a divorce or maybe we’re just separating for a while,” Sophia murmured under her breath. “That’s why I came. I wanted to be here for you. He didn’t understand that and he wouldn’t come here himself. Said that I was being selfish, that I was abandoning him and our life.” She shook her head slowly, sadly.

  “Oh Soph, I’m so sorry.” Jenna held her sister’s hand tighter. It shocked her, but she understood; it was her sister’s way of giving her the support she sought. It was the right time to tell her.

  Together they sat, side by side, as their children played carelessly in surf unaware of the boiling pot’s their mothers were.

  “I’m going to stay until the end of the summer. I want to stay, if that’s all right. Then we’ll go home, and the boys can have their lives back and I can sort out this mess.” Sophia smiled, whirling her free hand in the air, showing what a hurricane her existence had become. “But I’ll come back as often as I can. I’ll be here, I promise.” Sophia leaned into Jenna’s shoulder.

  “Mama?” Caleb ran up the beach, his thin, spindly child legs dripping with salt water and frosted with black sand.

  “Yes, baby?” Sophia answered, climbing to her feet and stretching her back.

  “I’m hungry.” It had been hours since they’d devoured Ginny’s blueberry pancakes and it was nearing lunch; Jenna was sure his message was a group effort.

  “Why don’t you go wash off your feet, and then we’ll grab some sandwiches?” Sophia suggested, gesturing towards the landing mall a few paces away. “Tell your brothers and Mia to do the same, no sandy feet in the car!” she called after as he lopped back towards the water’s edge.

  “Enough with the heavy, let’s feed these monsters.” Sophia turned to Jenna smiling brightly.

  That’s how it was done, Jenna mused as she watched Sophia switch from being a woman talking about the demise of her marriage, to being the mother able to organize and take action. The transition between being introspective and being present. Prioritizing. There was time for everything, room for everything, but it took peace of mind to allow that balance.
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  “Sounds good to me. I could eat. There is this amazing sandwich shop, the food’s really good. Fresh seafood too, for the grownups.” Jenna winked and slipped on her sandals, gathering her straw market tote.

  “Those kids, I swear!” Ginny smiled as she trudged towards Sophia and Jenna, lugging the heavy sack of shells behind her. “Think they cleaned out the beach today.”

  “Oh Ginny, you are very tolerant. Here, let me take that for you!” Sophia reached for the bag.

  “We’re going to go grab some lunch if you’re hungry, Ginny?” Jenna offered, dusting off the seat of her pants.

  “Thank you, but actually if you don’t mind, I’m gonna head into town for a bit. Errands and what not. I can come by later if you need me,” Ginny offered.

  “Oh no, no, no. Go, enjoy your day!” Jenna hugged Ginny. She knew Ginny was giving her the freedom to lean on her as hard as she needed, but also the out to take matters on herself.

  “All right then, I’ll see ya’ll later. Boys, Mia ... you be good for your mamas, otherwise we won’t be doing anything fun tomorrow!” she teasingly hollered over her shoulder as she made her way to the rusted out truck in the gravel parking lot.

  The kids waved animatedly and screamed their goodbyes as Ginny rumbled away.

  “You are so lucky to have her, she’s wonderful.” Sophia smiled at Jenna as they strolled across the parking lot towards the mall.

  “Oh, I know. Believe me. Ginny’s been a blessing, helps me out so much, honestly couldn’t do any of this without her. But, honestly, sometimes I feel really jealous.” Jenna felt the blush creeping across her chest, threatening her neck. Not even Gabe knew that.

  “I could see that.” Sophia nodded in agreement, tilting her head as if making room for the new logic behind the words. “But all things considered, you are still lucky,” Sophia chided, bumping Jenny teasingly.

  “It’s just hard, you know? Watching someone else raise your kid. It’s like the hardest thing in the world and I have no choice in the matter. Mia needs someone and most of the time I’m worthless.” Jenna held her hands up in defeat.

  “Yes, that would be really ... trying,” Sophia said as she sought out the right word. “It’s a balance, and you’re doing just fine.”

  Sophia and Jenna continued to speak in hushed tones as the kids gobbled up their sandwiches and slurped on icy sodas.

  “It’s been a long time coming, honestly,” Sophia started, unprompted, as she speared bits of lettuce with her fork. “We became different people. Alex became this man who was so set in his ways, and I became this woman who changed her life to wrap around his

  “We weren’t happy. We tried to be, for the boys, but I couldn’t wait for him to leave for work in the morning, and I would try to drag my day out at the store to avoid seeing too much of him at home. Isn’t that awful? That’s not a healthy marriage, that’s not a good example to set for the boys. That’s not a marriage.” Sophia sipped her sugary iced tea and looked at Jenna meaningfully.

  Jenna thought of Gabe. She still loved him madly, couldn’t wait to be around him, hated to be away from him. Even now that their marriage was older, and they were older and so much had changed, she still couldn’t imagine not being with him, loving him.

  “I’m really, really sorry Sophia. Truly. I wish I had known.” Jenna spoke in hushed tones pursing her lips.

  “It wasn’t something I was telling anyone, no one knows,” Sophia rationalized.

  Jenna nodded in understanding. Sophia and Alex were small town society people, public people. She owned the local boutique, he was a family practitioner: successful and respected with a practice in full bloom. They had three handsome sons, a beautiful, stately home. The crust of their relationship was perfection; it must have been very hard to admit the inside wasn’t as good, slowly rotting away.

  “What will you do when you get home?” Jenna pushed on. The candid nature of their conversation had bolstered her courage to pry a little deeper into Sophia’s long term plans.

  “I’ll move forward, I suppose.” Sophia shrugged her shoulders in defeat. “What else can I do? Alex wants out, he’s said as much. He doesn’t love me anymore. I’m just catching up to feeling the same.” Her voice peaked with hurt that showed beneath the suffering in scrunched, reflective brow.

  “You’re going to be just fine,” Jenna comforted, consoled, wrapping her hands around the damp glass of her drink.

  “Of course, we all will. The boy’s will still get the best of us, I’ll make sure of that, at least on my end of things. I will have the store, and Alex will have his practice, and hopefully, in time, we’ll be able to be friends.” She mustered the fading optimism.

  Jenna longed to offer her sister more. A place to live, a safe harbor here with her if things at home, in South Carolina, were too hard. But she couldn’t. Sooner than later, she’d no longer have that to offer. She was Sophia’s only remaining family, only remaining blood. Their father had died a few years ago, and their mother before him. It was just the two girls, sisters, left to be each other’s only remaining bit.

  “I don’t mean to put this on you, Jenna, really. I’m sorry for even mentioning it.” Sophia sighed, crumbling her napkin and placing it on her plate. “I don’t know what I was thinking!”

  “No, it’s okay. I worry about you, I want you to be able to tell me anything, without censoring yourself. Please.” Jenna meant every word.

  “But still, you have more than enough to deal with without me adding to the heap. I’m sorry.”

  “Sophia, you’re my sister.”

  “This is why I didn’t want to tell you!” Sophia closed her eyes, pushing her fingers into her temples. “You, Jenna, no matter what you say, have a lot—more than enough—on your own end. That’s why I’m here , to help you, not give you more worries.”

  “Even if everything was fine, I’d worry. I’ve always worried. When you were living with Mom and Dad, I worried; living with Grandma, I worried; when you left Illinois and went South, I worried. It’s just how it goes, and while you may wish I could just put that part away, I can’t. Sorry.”

  “Thank you Jen, I needed that.” Sophia patted Jenna’s hand lightly, and waved the waitress down for their check.

  The children were exhausted as Jenna guided them through the door. Mia’s eyes were sliding closed automatically, and her feet shuffled against the smooth hardwoods, her plump, pink thumb latched between her lips.

  “I’m going to put Mia down for a rest guys,” Jenna called over her shoulder to the three boys who were making their way to the inviting, overstuffed couches in the family room. She scooped Mia up and made her way towards the bedroom.

  Everyone would be asleep in moments, she was sure. Their tired eyes betrayed them on the drive back from town, leaning against each other in companionable silence. Sophia had dropped them off. Rushing back for an appointment in town with a glass artist, she’d waved goodbye.

  If Jenna and Mia had been alone, she would have pulled her little girl into bed with her, snuggled deep beneath the soft, down comforter and taken a long nap. But with Caleb, Harlen and Thomas in tow, such a luxury was not possible.

  She settled Mia under the covers, smoothing her fine, curly hair against the pillow before drawing the shade and tip toeing from the room. The house was cool and dark, the sun had slipped back behind its cover of clouds and the afternoon stretched out before her. Checking on the boys, she found them huddled in quiet slumber against the overstuffed pillows of her couch, so she silently pulled a thick throw blanket off the back of the couch and covered their sleeping forms. She snapped the plantation shutters closed, darkening the room even further, and made her way to her office.

  Pulling out a thick, finely bound leather journal, Jenna pulled a pen from the recesses of her desk. It had be a long time since she sat in here, behind her desk, with any real purpose. She flipped open the journal and began to think.

  Ten important times, it seemed simple enough. She wrote quickly,
crossing off and underlining, as thoughts flashed in her mind overruling others, as she highlighted the pivotal moments of her daughter’s coming life.

  1. Becoming A Mother

  2. Your Father Getting Remarried

  3. College Graduation

  4. Your First Love

  5. Your Wedding Day

  6. High School Graduation

  7. Your First Broken Heart

  8. Leaving Home

  9. The First Time You Have Sex

  10. If You’re Ever In My Position

  Ten tapes, ten corresponding milestones her daughter would pass in her absence. It made her heart seize and shatter. She laid her head in her open palms and sobbed.

  August

  “Jenna?” Gabe called out as he did every day.

  “In the bedroom!” she trilled from the depth of her walk in closet. She could hear Gabe greeting the children who screeched in laughter; she could imagine him hoisting them over his shoulders, tickling them into fits of surrender.

  The warm scent of stew bubbling on the stove wafted down the hall.

  “Babe?” Gabe wandered into the room, the thick carpet swallowing his footfalls.

  “Getting dressed, give me one minute! How was work? Good?” Jenna slid the sheath of her black dress over her trim figure, fluffing her hair and straightening the hem. She felt sexy, the thin fabric hugging her hips and falling lightly just above her knees.

  “We’re going out?” Gabe mused, leaning heavily against the door frame, looking her up and down appreciatively.

  “Soph told you?” Jenna feigned a pout, before wrapping her arms around his middle and nuzzling into his chest.

  “More or less. She had a pile of videos on the counter and kid friendly food on the stove, and you’re all fancy ... I’m not a dumb man, believe it or not. I came to the conclusion on my own.” He smiled, obviously proud.