Hesitant Heart

by Morticia Knight

  Aaron kissed his lips again before taking his hand. There were so many kisses. Sam needed them all the time. He’d waited for a long time to be kissed, and Aaron’s seemed as necessary as air to him.

  They walked hand in hand to the bedroom where there was a large oval mirror in a free standing mahogany wood frame. Aaron tilted it down a fraction then manipulated Sam’s body so that his ass faced it.

  “Now can you see better?”

  Sam’s jaw dropped open. It was much clearer. Most of the splotches were a deep purple—like grapes—and the others were red like strawberries. They covered most of the fleshy part of his backside and he understood much better why it hurt so much to sit down. Fortunately, the majority of the time, he kneeled anyway.

  “Let’s get you washed up and dressed. I’m taking you to your surprise.”

  Sam winced before he could stop himself.

  Aaron furrowed his brow. “What’s wrong?”

  He didn’t want Aaron to think he was ungrateful, but his ass really hurt.

  “Do you think the drive will take very long?”

  Still, Aaron stared at him with a questioning expression. Then he raised his eyebrows as if the realization had just hit him.

  “Don’t fret, little Sam. We won’t be driving. We’ll walk. And even that’s not very far. I don’t want you overdoing it yet.”

  After they’d finished getting ready, they stepped out into what was a nice, sunny day. Most days were like that in Southern California. Sam loved where he’d come from, but it had been a lot cooler up there at times. The skies weren’t as clear so often and there wasn’t the dry desert air the way it was in Los Angeles.

  Sam walked on the sidewalk just behind Aaron the way he’d been taught. He no longer had the clothing he’d arrived with. After Aaron had let him pick out new ones, he’d asked if Aaron would be mad if he threw the old ones away. “Those are yours to do with as you wish. Why is it that you want to throw them away?”

  Sam had explained how they were ones his father had made him wear. They’d all had to wear old-fashioned things. Any slight deviance from what his father had judged to be ‘normal’ was highly frowned upon. So all of Sam’s clothes had been made from a scratchy wool and he’d never been allowed to wear a belt or a bow-tie. His father had even forbidden a Panama or a fedora as being too flashy. He’d told Sam that he couldn’t have a proper derby—only a newsboy cap—until he got married. Sam had prayed that he would wear a newsboy cap for the rest of his life.

  When Aaron had taken him shopping, he’d helped him put outfits together, but if there was something that had caught Sam’s eye, he’d let him have it. He’d even gotten Sam the snazziest gray felt fedora with a mauve ribbon and a small dotted feather accent. Sam loved it. Aaron had taken him to a clothier above what Aaron had described as a ‘pansy club’. Sam had no idea what that was until he’d explained that it was a place for men like them to meet or to enjoy themselves for an evening’s entertainment without the fear of being found out. The only thing that had marred the day was when the clothier had off-handedly mentioned something to Aaron in regards to Sam.

  “He’s new in town, you say?” the man called Walter had said. “I’m sure it’s only a coincidence, but there were two men who came around the club asking if someone matching his very description had stopped in.”

  It had taken all the control that Aaron had taught him to keep still, keep his expression flat. Aaron had responded perfectly by laughing it off. They’d left in a hurry after that, as Sam’s newly learned control had begun to slip and the trembling had taken over. Aaron had kept him inside since then.

  But now they were outside where anyone could see him. Maybe Aaron thought enough time had passed that it was no longer a concern? Worry churned in him and blossomed into more unease. He looked down at his snappy clothes then glanced at Aaron’s graceful form as he walked ahead of him. He hadn’t chewed his lip in so long, he’d forgotten that he even used to do it. But he hadn’t had his morning spanking and he still owed Aaron for the hotel and for the bathhouse and for the beautiful outfits…

  “Oh!”

  He swayed, grasping a spear-pointed picket of an iron fence that they were passing. His eyelids fluttered and when he fully opened them again he realized that Aaron was crouched over him and clutching his upper arm to keep him steady.

  “Breathe, little Sam. Come on. You know what to do.”

  “S-sorry.”

  “Ssh. Slow breaths. In, then out. That’s it. Good boy.”

  That had done the trick. All he ever needed to hear was Aaron’s praise and he could snap out of almost anything. But he still owed Aaron. He owed him for everything.

  “Talk to me.”

  Aaron had released his hold. Even though they were on a side street in a quiet neighborhood, they still had to be careful. The last thing they needed was for a nosy copper to drive by at the wrong moment and start hassling them.

  “We never worked out a repayment plan.”

  There was a stunned expression on Aaron’s face. It softened as he seemed to comprehend what Sam had just said.

  “Sam, that’s not necessary any more—not that it ever was—but we’re partners now. I take care of you and you submit to me. That’s the agreement.”

  “But…”

  How could he properly explain it? It was true. It wasn’t as if Aaron needed the money, and Sam did do everything that Aaron asked. “Why do you think it bothers you so much that I pay for everything?”

  Sam bit his lip before he could stop himself. Aaron pried it loose and rubbed the pad of his finger across it before letting go.

  “I…I don’t want you to think I’m going around with you because you have money and can take care of me. That Louis fellow told me he would take me in and do that for me. When I told him I didn’t care about him that way, he said it didn’t matter to him, that he wanted to do it anyway so that he could have me. I don’t understand why anyone would do that, but I don’t want you to think that’s why I’m with you.”

  Aaron cleared his throat. “I can understand why someone would do that, especially for such a sweet thing as you, but that’s not the point.” Aaron glanced around the street then cupped his face with one hand. “Sam, I don’t believe for one instant that you’re with me because of money. I never have. That being said, there’s nothing wrong with you wanting to be with me so I can take care of you. I’m not talking financially, although that could be a part of it, but I’m talking about your true nature, what you need. You’re a submissive man, Sam. You understand that about yourself, you told me in so many words when we first met. That’s part of the reason you’re with me and it’s part of the reason I’m so enamored of you. We answer that compulsion in one another, right?”

  Sam nodded, but tears still threatened.

  “Give me your words, Sam.”

  “Yes, Sir. We do.”

  Aaron let his hand drop to his side. It was too risky to touch out in the open for very long. Sam knew that, but it still felt like a loss.

  “There’s something more, Sam. Tell me what it is.”

  How could Aaron speak so quietly and soothingly all the time? Sam’s admiration for his lover was renewed. Aaron made it so that everything seemed so simple and easy, that there was nothing ever to get upset about. It kept Sam calm. He liked being calm. He stuffed his concerns about his father back down because he knew Aaron would keep him safe. But there was another thing that maybe Aaron could help him understand.

  “I feel as if I should be doing something more. It’s not even because I need to pay you back.” Sam shrugged. “I’m used to working very hard. I used to have to do all my chores, my learning plus I would take care of a huge greenhouse filled with tons of plants. They needed me all the time.”

  Aaron regarded him with the twinkle. “The plants do for you what my painting does for me.”

  It hadn’t been a question, merely a statement of fact. It wasn’t until Aaron had said it that Sam realized it was tr
ue.

  “Yes, I think that’s what it is.”

  Relief surged through him. Aaron always helped him figure out the confusing thoughts in his head. Whenever they talked, Aaron would make it better somehow.

  “I have an idea, little Sam. It works right in with my surprise perfectly.”

  He didn’t know what Aaron had planned but now that they’d discussed things, Sam felt a bit giddy. Bouncy even. His ass was still as sore as hell, yet the nerves that had plagued him like an unscratchable itch all morning had finally managed to dissipate.

  “Okay, Sir. I’m fine now.”

  “Such a good boy. Come along then.”

  He fell back in step with Aaron. When they rounded the corner that took them into the Larchmont Shopping Village, he knew immediately where they were headed. There was a very small plant nursery on the street and Aaron had promised him they would go there. After they reached the front of the shop and Aaron had ushered them inside, Sam had thought he would faint—only it would have been from an overload of joy, for once.

  Plants and flowers were everywhere. There were even cacti and succulents, which Sam didn’t know much about because he hadn’t had them where he’d lived. He wanted to learn about them though. He took in the grand sight of every single one of the varieties the shop owner had. There were more types of the Areca palms, but there were also smaller plants such as philodendrons, spider plants, African violets, bamboo plants and potted ferns.

  He absent-mindedly fingered a shriveled brown leaf on one of the purple violet plants. The poor plant desperately needed to be culled. Without thinking, he plucked it away.

  “Ahem.”

  He startled, turning his head to see the shopkeeper frowning at him. Sam turned to Aaron for guidance, but he only raised his eyebrows and gestured for Sam to address the man.

  “Oh, uh, sorry, sir. I was only trying to help it. One of its leaves had died.” He held his hand open to show the proprietor the offending leaf.

  The man narrowed his eyes at Sam as he peered down his nose at the wrinkled brown thing.

  “I see.” The man glanced over at Aaron, as if trying to ascertain what was going on. “Mr Rubenstein. A pleasure to see you, as always. How’s the Areca doing? Or is that why you’re here, looking for yet another replacement?”

  Sam’s jaw dropped. “Did you kill the other ones, Sir?”

  Aaron slapped a hand across his mouth a bit too late to stop a snort of laughter. “Oh, Sam. You should see your face. It wasn’t intentional, I assure you. It’s that I don’t possess your gift.”

  “You mean the Areca has survived in spite of your murderous touch?”

  “I can’t take any of the credit. It all rightfully goes to Sam.” Aaron indicated in Sam’s direction. “He’s done wonders for it. He keeps it trimmed and properly watered. He was telling me that we needed some peat moss for it, so that’s part of the reason why we’re here.”

  Martin cocked his head as he regarded Sam.

  “I see. Will Sam be staying with you for a while then?”

  Aaron made a gruff noise and Martin immediately turned to Aaron. Sam could see the glare in Aaron’s eyes.

  “I should mention that Phillip and I are doing marvelous.”

  The dark expression on Aaron’s face seemed to lighten at Martin’s words.

  “Well, then. That’s very good to hear.” Aaron straightened one of the cufflinks in his shirt. “In that case, yes, Sam will be staying with me for good.”

  There was a quirk at the corner of Martin’s lips. “I’m very glad to hear it, friend. Very glad.”

  Sam had been following the conversation as if it were a tennis match. There sure did seem to be a lot of men living with other men in Hollywood. He’d definitely come to the right place. Even though it no longer seemed like some sort of horrible fight was about to break out, Sam still wasn’t sure what was going on or why picking up peat moss was such a grand surprise—even if the palm really needed it.

  Martin addressed Sam.

  “I’m afraid you’re quite correct about the violet. The issue is time. There are so many of them and I don’t have enough hours in the day for their care. Since you’ll be staying with Mr Rubenstein, perhaps you could come in for a few days a week to help me with them?”

  Sam gasped. It was too wonderful. But would Aaron let him out of his sight? He whipped his head around to get Aaron’s reaction. He was met with Aaron’s warm smile and kind eyes.

  “Really?”

  He was about to run into Aaron’s arms when the shop bell jangled as the front door opened. An impeccably dressed older woman strolled in. Aaron held his hand in front of him and shook his head slightly. Sam lowered his chin, his knee jiggling as he tried to rein in his excitement. All of his calm and focus had come unraveled. He was pretty sure Aaron would have some discipline and maybe even some punishments later. But it was all worth it if he could be with the plants.

  Martin excused himself to help his other customer and Aaron came over to stand near him. He leaned down and spoke quietly next to his ear.

  “Would that make you happy, little Sam?”

  “I’m very happy, Sir, please don’t think I’m not.”

  “Ssh, I know that. But you can have more than one happiness, can’t you?”

  He mulled that over. Sure he could, Aaron was right. He could have Aaron and the plants.

  “Yes, Sir, you’re right.” He peered up at his lover. “Thank you. But I’ll miss you when I’m here.”

  They were shielded from Aaron’s waist down by the wooden step shelf with the numerous plants that were on display. Aaron reached over to clasp his fingers. He gave them a squeeze.

  “I shall miss you very much as well, little Sam.”

  Martin returned to the back area where they stood.

  “So, Sam is it? Let’s discuss when you can come in next. And we need to get you that peat moss too, before you leave.”

  “And two plants to take home.”

  Martin and Sam both regarded Aaron.

  “That was my original reason for bringing you here today, Sam. You need to have some at home. I think the palm is lonely.” Aaron winked at him.

  The bell jangled again and the woman had left. Aaron peered over his shoulder then gestured for Sam to come to him. He didn’t question whether he should or not, not for an instant. He threw himself into Aaron’s arms and Aaron kissed the top of his head.

  Aaron whispered. “Go pick out your plants. I’m going to talk to Martin about what days you can work.”

  Sam tipped his head back. “Does that mean you’ll let me repay you?”

  He pressed his lips together, but seemed to have determined he was fighting a losing battle. “When you find out how much you’ll be making, you can give me ten percent.”

  “That doesn’t seem like very much, I should give you at least half.”

  “Sam. Are you arguing with me?”

  He thought about the punishment where he’d had his cock and balls tied up and hadn’t been allowed to come.

  “No, Sir. I’m not arguing. Ten percent sounds perfect.”

  Aaron whispered into his ear again, “Good boy.”

  * * * *

  He worked for four hours, three days a week, helping Martin and his special friend Phillip take care of the plants. Sam had figured out that they were going around together, which was why Aaron hadn’t minded that they hug in front of Martin. Once in a while, Sam would help customers who had problems with their plants. Martin had told him that he had a natural instinct when it came to them.

  He was getting paid ten dollars a week, which meant that Aaron would only be getting a dollar. It seemed very unfair to Aaron, but he didn’t dare argue. Sam had just received his first week’s pay and had purchased a new plant to take home with him. He loved the small barrel cactus he‘d bought. As he walked back to their house, he kept turning it around in his hand. It was his first cactus and he was very excited about it. He’d been staring at it all week and had bare
ly been able to contain himself when he’d gotten paid. The money had scarcely been pressed into his palm before he’d run over and grabbed it.

  The short journey to the bungalow he shared with Aaron was a nice stroll. It had taken some convincing for Aaron to agree to let him go on his own. It had bordered on arguing, but he’d explained to Aaron that he would be embarrassed if Martin were to see Aaron dropping him off and picking him up every day in the Bearcat when they were only a few blocks away. And anyway, it had been so long since he’d been gone from home, surely his father had given up on searching for him. They’d compromised, with Sam agreeing to be transported when there was inclement weather.

  He came to a complete standstill when he got to their driveway. There was a strange blue car parked behind the Bearcat. He wondered if it was Mr Liebowitz, Aaron’s older friend from the bathhouse. Aaron had mentioned that it had been a while since he’d seen him and thought he might have him come by for dinner sometime. Sam knew that as soon as Aaron thought he was fully trained that he would be seeing Saul at the club Aaron had told him about. He shivered when he thought of that, but put it out of his mind in favor of discovering who was in the house.

  Cradling the cactus in one hand, he used the other to unlock the door with the key Aaron had had made for him. He heard joyful laughter from inside and figured that he’d guessed correctly about it being Mr Liebowitz. It had to be someone Aaron knew and liked very much. After entering the house, he closed the door then headed for the living area. He almost dropped his new cactus. Aaron and a very handsome young man were lounging on the floor. Aaron had on his silk robe—and nothing else—and he leaned against the wing chair. The stunning blond man—who looked to be not much older than Sam—had the top buttons of his shirt undone, with his bowtie loose and hanging about his neck. His shoes and socks had been removed and he was reclining against the sofa perpendicular to Aaron.

  Sam stood in the entryway as if he had just grown roots like one of his plants and couldn’t move. Their merry conversation came to a halt as soon as Aaron spotted Sam.

  “Little Sam! You’re home. Come join us. I want you to meet someone.”