Still Water

by A. M. Johnson

  CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

  Lily

  "PAM?" THE SOUND OF HER NAME on my lips felt wrong. My so-called mother ran her fingers through her hair and actually smiled at me. The large grin pissed me off, and my next words came out in an angry rush. "Why are you here?"

  "Well!" Her hand darted to her chest as if injured. Her southern drawl was unmistakable even in just the one word. She spoke with such astonishment as if I had no right to be rude, as if I had no right to hate her. "I'm here to see my daughter and grandson. I didn't realize you were staying with Evy until I got here."

  Pam's statement confirmed to me she never thought of me as her daughter — the hammer inside my sternum split me open, the cracks almost visible, and the pain I tried urgently to hide started to seep into my system. The fury started to well in my eyes, the burn of the salt water was almost too much to handle. Why hadn't I just gone with Todd? I didn't need this crap. In the end though, I never considered her a parent. When you leave your little girl behind, you lose that privilege. For her, it seemed, I was never something she held in high regard. I was just a burden from her past.

  "I won't be here long. Just grabbing my things." I cleared the stone from my throat. It sliced its way down, making it almost impossible to keep myself whole.

  "Lil?" Eve. The sound of her footsteps grew louder as she walked across the family room. My body was stiff; I hadn't moved from my position by the front door. "Hey, I just finished dinner, you staying?" She held Christopher in her arms, her eyes widened and silently pleaded for me to stay.

  "Probably not, I'm staying with Todd tonight." The resonance of my voice fell flat.

  Eve's shoulders drooped, and she met my eyes with disproval. "Please." She mouthed the word inaudibly; the private exchange had my guilt levels at an all-time high. I shouldn't leave her to fend for herself either. Eve hadn't seen her mother in five years, and she was probably feeling just as lost as I was.

  Pam already looked bored with the conversation, as she picked at her nails without real interest. This small minute, while I watched her total indifference to me, solidified my decision. Pam, my mother, wasn't worth it. Not one more portion of my heart would wish for her to want me ever again. I was nothing to her. I exhaled sharply. "Nah, Eve, I think I'm going to head out…" An almost imperceptible flash of sadness crossed Eve's eyes. "…we booked the studio super early so—"

  "Oh! " Eve's voice was loud and made me jump. "Speaking of music, you got mail today, from some music school. It's over there on the coffee table." Music school? She must be confused. "Anyway Lily, I really wish you could stay. I'm sure mom would love to catch up." As soon as she said it, Eve realized she had said the wrong thing and regret was written across her face. "I mean… I just mean—"

  "Evy, its fine. I don't need to play catch up. I know where I stand with this one." Pam blew out a puff of annoyed air and shook her head.

  For a split second, I thought I was going crazy. Did she blame this on me? My temper flared. "Are you freaking kidding me right now?"

  "Lily. Calm down." Eve was horrified.

  "No way… how the hell do you get off talking to me like I'm some piece of crap? You… you abandoned me when I was three-years-old. You left me." The hostility boiled in my blood. My whole life I always felt just inadequate enough to hate myself — if my own mother didn't want me, then what good was I. Over the years, I'd healed from the wounds left behind by my run-away mother, but today it was like she was cutting me open all over again.

  "Abandoned you?" Pam laughed without humor. "Danny, mister perfect, threw me out, wouldn't let me see you."

  The throbbing in my chest grew when she spoke of my father. The pressure built and my head felt fuzzy. "Don't even speak his name. You cheated on him, you screwed him over. He lived alone, dedicated himself to me… you were just too selfish to care. You had a new family, your daughter Eve, so you didn't give two shits about us. Don't try to pin this on him. You had every chance to see me, to get to know me, but you didn't, damn it." My hands were curled into tight little fists, and my breathing was ragged as I tried to calm my rage.

  "Please, calm down, okay? The baby. Geez, Lil." Christopher started to whine as Eve's tears trickled down her cheeks. The stricken look on her face brought me back down to reality. Pam had gotten to me.

  "I could have fought your father, made you come here every other Christmas. I could have cut you in two, but what was the point really? You would have ended up hating me anyway. Ask Evy. I'm not cut out for this. I'm no parent of the goddamn year." The strain in her voice was evident. "I never wanted to be a mother, but I've done the best I could."

  The light in the room made her eyes glitter as the tears started to brim to the surface. I should have felt empathy, but I didn't. This woman was never there for me, and I didn't plan on ever being there for her. Even though she left me behind, Eve hadn't fared better. She was in and out of Eve's life too. She was a wrecking ball, and I had no desire to let her destroy the small peace I had built. The loss of my father taught me one thing. Life is too damn short to waste on people who don't love you.

  "If that was your best, then I'm glad I never witnessed your worst." I pushed past Pam and my sister. I grabbed my mail and my car keys off the coffee table.

  "Lily, please. Let's fix this? Let's try to do what's right, let's forgive." I heard the seriousness in Eve's tone, but I just couldn't let Pam ruin one more second of my life.

  "Eve, I love you and I love what you're trying to do for you and your family, but I have forgiven. I've forgiven myself for ever letting her hurt me, for ever thinking less of myself because I wasn't good enough for her. I've moved on, and I'm done worrying about it." It was true. The overpowering sense of relief washed through me with the declaration. This confrontation was the final thing I needed to let go.

  "Shit Evy, I don't need her forgiveness." Pam gave me a blank look before she turned and walked to the kitchen. The remark should have bothered me, but it didn't. My mouth turned up at the corners. She didn't control me any longer.

  WHEN I'D FINALLY LEFT my sister's house, I'd driven around for quite a while. I had driven for so long; I wasn't sure where I was going anymore. I was now in a town called Bountiful, well according to the signs on the off-ramp that's where I was, and was parked next to what was probably one of the most beautiful churches I'd ever seen. The stunning white-spired building was situated on the bench of the mountain, looking over the entire valley. The cool evening air bit at my bare shoulders; my long coral maxi dress blew in the breeze as I leaned against my crappy blue Corolla looking out over the vast expanse of land. I could see where the land met the Great Salt Lake, how the entire city sparkled in the darkening sky. From up high on this mountainside, it was as if I finally saw the world for what it really was — and it was magnificent.

  My phone vibrated, pulling my attention from the view. It was just a text from Eve saying she was sorry. I let out a sigh. I'd hoped it was Todd. I'd sent him a text telling him I was on my way to his place, but that had been an hour ago. I imagined he was just busy with his little girl, but it was getting late, and I figured he'd be home by now. With all my might, I tried to push down the insecurity. He needed this time with Molly. I used to feel as if I had little to offer, as if I had no value, but after tonight, after seeing Pam, finally telling her she didn't matter, it was like I'd been blind this entire time. I would be able to finally see myself in the mirror as a real person, not this smudge, this blur, this ugly small thing.

  The temperature felt a bit too cool, so I decided to pack it up and head back to Todd's hoping he would text me soon. My bag of clothes and toiletries sat on the passenger side of my car while my fingers turned the keys in the ignition automatically. Immediately my thoughts wandered. I started to worry if staying with Todd for the next few days until Pam left was the right thing to do. He needed to get his life together, and I didn't want to be a distraction. Just as I started to change my mind, my phone vibrated again.

  Todd: Yo
u okay? I'm sorry, baby. I'm on my way home now.

  A giddy grin plastered itself on my face.

  Me: It's ok. You were with your daughter. I'm fine. Hope it went well for you.

  The next text was immediate.

  Todd: This has been the best day of my life. I feel like a shit though for missing your text. Molly was playing with my phone.

  I chuckled.

  Me: Don't worry about it. See you soon.

  Todd: Can't wait.

  The lights in Todd's apartment were on, and Seth's black Audi was the only vehicle in the driveway. Grabbing my bags, I stepped from my car and headed toward the house. Loud music blared from behind the front door so I had to knock several times before I heard Seth swear and turn down the music. The door flew open. Seth's murderous expression became soft as soon as he realized it was me.

  "Hellcat, what's up?" Seth's grin pulled nicely to the side, his dark hair was wet, and the spicy fragrance that he wore smelled stronger than usual. He had on a soft looking, tight, black T-shirt and gray sweats. "Sorry, I was in the shower. Just got home. Where's Todd?"

  He leaned his body closer to me, each hand braced on either side of the doorjamb. The way the light hit his high cheekbones made him look absurdly attractive. I laughed. "How are you single?"

  "What?" Seth's brow creased, and his nose crinkled.

  "You heard me." I joked as I pushed past him to enter the house.

  "Um, okay, sure come on in," he mumbled to himself.

  "You know I can hear you?" My smile widened as he scowled at me. He observed me quietly as I placed my bags near the couch and plopped myself unceremoniously onto the plush cushions.

  "Me being single… is my business. Why the hell are you here? Where's Todd?" Seth's irritation was only making me more amused; he was so easily ruffled.

  "Todd's on his way back from seeing Molly."

  "That doesn't explain why you're here? Having unsolicited visits from females in the evening makes me feel all unhappy and shit." Seth dropped down next to me on the sofa, his heavily tattooed arms stretched on either side of him on the back of the couch.

  "You're in a pleasant mood. You need to get laid." I snorted at my own joke.

  Seth's smile was cat like. "Trust me, I get what I want when I want…" Seth let his sentence drop off and the humor left his eyes. He leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, and pinched the bridge of his nose. It felt like several seconds ticked by before he spoke again, "Nah, just a shitty day."

  "Tell me about it," I muttered.

  "Bad day, too?" Seth's previous annoyance had faded as he gave me his full attention. This guy's moods were worse than Todd's, I gathered.

  Something about Seth made me want to tell him all my stupid little secrets, and I wanted to confide in him. He saw through me anyway, his crystalline eyes appraised me, and I felt the courage to open up to him. "You really want know?"

  "Lay it out for me." Seth smiled that award winning smile again as he leaned back into the couch and turned just enough so he was facing me.

  "My mother, Pam… well, I haven't seen her since I was three, right? She showed up at my sister's house today, and she's planning to stay there for the next few days. She acted like I was nothing of consequence." The muscle in Seth's jaw pulsed. "She referred to Eve, that's my sister, as her daughter, not me… no, not me. She basically was completely indifferent, and then when I called her on her B.S., she tried to blame my father. God, she sucks. I wish I still hated her."

  Seth swallowed hard before he spoke. "You don't hate her?" He asked the question with innocent abandon. This topic was something that cut to his core, the way he searched my face with such sincerity. I could tell this was the real Seth, and in this tiny second, I was seeing him for who he truly was.

  "No… I don't," I whispered the words, the moment felt too personal to speak much louder.

  "How?" His jaw tensed again.

  "I can't hate her anymore. I can't hold on to all that hate. It ate me alive for so long, stopped me from believing in myself. Once I let go, like really let go… today when I told her how I felt, it was freeing. I'm free Seth, and it feels freaking wonderful." My cheeks spread into a smile as I watched him grin.

  "Way to go, Hellcat." Seth grabbed my knee and squeezed before he stood from the couch. "I'm hungry as hell, want some pizza?" The front he always portrayed was firmly back in place.

  "Sounds great. Let me go put my things away. I'll be staying for a few days. Sorry, lots of unsolicited female time headed your way." A giggle bubbled passed my lips at his playful eye roll. Seth was someone I'd probably never get the honor to really know. I had a feeling he didn't let many people in, if anyone at all, but this glimpse of the man behind the mask made me feel special. And as cheesy as it sounded, it felt like I'd made a friend.

  Traces of Todd's wood and soap scent flooded my senses and made me miss him. Hoping he'd get home quickly, I started going through my things so I could freshen up. The envelope I'd shoved into my bag earlier stabbed me under the fingernail, and I swore out loud. A cursory glance at my nail was all it took to see that I hadn't gotten a paper cut. I pulled the letter out, and the familiar logo on the front made my heart skip a beat. It was from Arcadia College of Music. My panic to leave my sister's house was the only feasible explanation I gave myself for not seeing this earlier. My thoughts started to fly as I hastily opened the letter.

  Dear Ms. Spring,

  Your sister, Mrs. Eve Far, recently informed me that your father has passed away. I am terribly sorry for your loss. I feel it is imperative that we reinstate your music scholarship for the Musical Theory and Voice Composition Master's Program. I was able to work it that you could have the full amount of previously discussed funds based on the fact that you no longer have a family member that is an active participant in the music industry. I know that may sound insensitive, but I was hoping you would give attending our college some consideration.

  I am truly sorry for your loss.

  Deepest Sympathy,

  Dean Theodore Hawthorne.

  Tears dripped onto the surface of the crème colored paper; the ink smearing just slightly. I hadn't noticed I was crying. Eve had done this for me? The connection I never thought I had with my sister snapped into place. She was trying to give me my dream, and now the future I always wanted was staring me in the face. Arcadia College of Music was the goal my father had put in place for me. After he had died, I set out to try and make him proud. The promise I made to myself, to get signed, to use my voice like my father wanted, it was all I thought about when I first got here. I thought getting signed by Blue Bar Music was my ultimate objective, but that was before I knew I could have my real dream, my father's dream.

  Strong arms snaked around my waist, as firm, yet soft, lips kissed my neck. "Hey you, I missed you today." Todd's warm honey tone created a hurricane of confusion in my head. I held my one true dream in my hands while the man I was falling in love with held me in his arms.

  CHAPTER FORTY

  Todd

  "WHAT'S THE MATTER?" AS LILY PULLED from my embraced, I noticed her cheeks were wet with tears. The letter she held in her hand quivered.

  "Nothing, just a long day. This letter from home just sort of brought everything rushing back." She folded the letter in a hurry and placed it back in its envelope. She turned in my arms and let her mouth connect with mine. I'd never get sick of Lily's lips and how they moved effortlessly with mine. She got my body riled up in seconds.

  She pulled my bottom lip softly with her mouth as I eased our lips apart from each other. "What's going on? What happened with your mom?"

  Lily sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. The words poured from her mouth as she told me about how it all went down with her mother. Lily's eyes were rimmed with red; I hated the fucking defeat in her shoulders and on her face. After I'd heard everything she had to say, I wanted to punch something. Pam was such a bitch, and I couldn't stand that I'd let Lily go through that alone.

  "I'm
sorry I wasn't there for you. I feel like a douchbag for not seeing your text." I kneeled down in front her, and my palm rested against her cheek. She leaned into the touch like she always did and closed her eyes. "I let you down today."

  The surreal green and yellow flecks in Lily's eyes glimmered with unshed tears as they opened and found mine. "You did not let me down, but… I think maybe we—"

  "Guys, pizza's here," Seth yelled from the living room.

  "Yeah, just a sec. What were you going to say, baby?" Lily stood and drew me up from my kneeling position, threading her fingers in mine.

  "Nothing…" But it hadn't felt like nothing. "I was just saying that you didn't let me down, you were doing something good for yourself and your daughter, and that's all that matters. How'd that go, by the way? How does it feel to be a daddy?" The smile on her face gave me a sense of pride as she gazed at me with awe.

  "Let's go get some food in you, and I'll tell you and Seth all about it. Yeah?"

  "Yeah." This time Lily's smile was fake, my concern for what she had begun to say and didn't get to finish started to eat at my gut. "I'm so happy for you, sweetheart." She reached up and pecked me on my cheek, the gesture just barely consoling the fear that was twisting itself around my spine. I figured she'd confide in me about whatever was bothering her in her own time.

  As Lily finished up dinner, her mood improved. I could tell she was genuinely excited for me to have met Molly. Lily listened to every word I said as if they were the most important words ever spoken.