Still Water

by A. M. Johnson

  "She's so smart. I loved how she had to show me every single toy she owned. I think at one point I lost count on how many fairy princess dolls she had." My laugh echoed in my chest; thinking about today gave me a feeling of fullness, of purpose.

  Lily's laugh matched mine. "Sounds like you're going to have your hands full."

  "Yeah, Lolly's very stubborn. I guess she gets that from me, too."

  Lily's face lit up. "Lolly?"

  "Yeah bro, what's that about?" Seth's brows turned down in confusion.

  "Molly can't say her 'm' sound well, so it's sort of like a nickname." A nickname I thought was cute as hell. Another dumb grin pulled across my face, and Seth gave me a look as if I was from another planet.

  "That's so adorable." Lily took my hand in hers. "You're going to be a great father."

  "Let's hope so." Seth was always such a sarcastic bastard, but, in all reality, that was the one thought that weighed in my mind all day. I had to be a great father because that little girl deserved nothing less.

  IT WAS LATE NOW, and the steam from the shower spilled from the bathroom into my bedroom. "You going to join me?" Lily's smirk was inviting. She lifted her dress over her head; her slim back was facing me. She was so sexy. Lily had agreed to come with me this Wednesday to pick Molly up for lunch and to meet my parents this Sunday. I wanted Lily woven into my life as much as possible. She was someone important to me, and I wanted my family to meet both my girls.

  "Be right in."

  I pulled my wallet and cell phone from my pocket and saw a missed text from Emma.

  Emma: Thank you for today.

  The text came with a picture of Molly and me playing on the floor with blocks. Joy pulsed deeply into my heart. The memory of today, of tonight, would stay with me forever.

  Emma had dark circles under her eyes. Even though she had aged since I saw her last, she was still beautiful. She walked out of Molly's bedroom leaving the door open just a crack, and I sensed the nervous tension as it rolled off her shoulders.

  "She's waiting for you." Emma's bottom lip trembled, and her amber eyes closed. The rise and fall of her chest became rapid.

  "Emma, I can do this." The bond between Emma and I was tangible. My hands rested on her shoulders. "I can do this."

  Her eyes opened. "Todd… I can't let her get hurt. You have to be there for us."

  I wasn't sure I wanted an 'us' with Emma. "I'll always be here for her. Molly is my family now, and I'm not going anywhere. If you had given me the chance, I could have proven that to you two years ago." I let my hands fall from her shoulders.

  Two silent tears lazily snaked down Emma's cheeks. "I made a mistake, and I'll regret that for the rest of my life. I took away those precious two years. But you know what the sad thing is…? I'll regret never knowing if you could have loved me."

  "Emma," her name was a tight whisper, her pain wrapped around my throat. I was well acquainted with this kind of pain. My arms enfolded around her hips as I pulled her body close to mine. "I could see myself here with you, with Molly. Sunday Morning pancakes, bedtime bath routines…" I brought my right hand up and wiped the tear from her cheek with the pad of my thumb and smiled. "Emma, I could be happy with you."

  "But." Emma's eyes never left mine.

  "But I'm falling in love with someone else." I exhaled; it felt good to say it out loud. Saying it to her made it concrete, and it was as if I never really even needed to decide. Lily was what I wanted. Emma's bottom lip began to shake again, and I placed my thumb against it trying to ease the hurt she would feel after I said what needed to be said.

  She cried lightly as I kissed her forehead. "Emma." My hands held and tilted her head gently so she would look at me again. "I would always wonder if I stayed with you now… would it be for Molly, or for you? I never loved you like that. I should have, but we could never get our timing right. You had one thing right though… I was blind back then, and I'm sorry I never saw you because, fuck, I could've been so lucky to have you. We could've made each other so happy. But you made your choice the day you decided to leave me in the dark about my daughter. I forgive you for that, but my life is different now, I'm different now."

  "What's her name?" The tears gathered in the corner of her eyes.

  "Lily."

  "I'm glad for you, Todd. I really am." She turned slightly as my hands dropped from her face. "Thank you for being honest. Just make me one promise?"

  "What?"

  "Always be here for Molly, okay? No matter what."

  "No matter what." I smiled and squeezed her shoulder.

  "Go tuck your daughter in." She wiped the tears from her cheeks and grinned. Emma's strength was never just an appearance. It was one of the things I'd always liked about her and hoped she could instill in our daughter.

  Molly lay down on her pillow; her blonde hair was everywhere as she snuggled down into her bed. Emma was letting me tell Molly a "story" about who I was. I wasn't sure how much she could understand at her age, but I figured I'd give it a go. Besides I didn't want my baby girl calling me Todd. I was her father, her daddy.

  The tiny sized bed made me chuckle as I sat with my legs criss-crossed underneath me.

  "Lolly, can I tell you a story?"

  She nodded and grabbed her purple sock monkey. I traced my finger down her nose and she giggled. "So once upon a time… no, wait that's dumb… scratch that… actually I wanted to tell you something really important, is that okay? It's not really a story because it's true." Molly's eyes blinked slowly as she yawned. "I wanted to tell you that… I'm your daddy. You see me and your momma… well, we… liked each other a whole bunch, and we were so lucky because…" The confined feeling in my throat made the next part hard to say, "…well, because we made you. God wanted us to have a Molly, and we got you."

  Molly's eyes opened wide, and she smiled. She probably had no clue what I was saying, but I continued, "Lolly, you're the best thing to ever happen to me, and I'm so sorry I wasn't here at first, but now that I know I'm your daddy… nothing can keep me away from you." I leaned down and kissed her nose. "You want to know what else? Being your daddy means I love you so much. You know how much?"

  She nodded animatedly, "To m-m-m-moon." She squinted in concentration as she struggled to say the word.

  "To the moon and back." I laughed. "Does your momma tell you that she loves you like that, too?"

  "Yup." She giggled and burrowed her face into her pillow.

  "So now you have two people who love you all the way to the moon and back and then some, sweetheart." I pulled the covers up to her shoulders and gave her a peck on the cheek. "Night, baby girl."

  I stood and walked to the door, and just as I turned the light off I heard Molly's small voice. "Night, Daddy."

  Those two words broke open my entire world and filled it with a love I could hardly hold.

  The sound of Lily singing brought me out of my thoughts, her voice echoed off the tile giving it a haunting tone. I stripped down and threw my clothes in the hamper. The silhouette of Lily's curves behind the shower curtain pulled me in.

  Lily was my choice, and I wanted everything to fall into place. We were almost there, and if I reached out and seized what I wanted for once, maybe — just maybe — it could all be golden.

  CHAPTER FORTY-ONE

  Lily

  HARD, MUTED RAIN FELL AGAINST THE studio roof, the bass drum vibrated through my body as my voice slightly wavered with feeling as I belted out the final lyrics of the song I wrote for my father. The mood was somber, everything fell silent with the final beat, and I inhaled trying to catch my breath, attempting to stop the panic from rising. Each day that had passed since I received the letter from Arcadia added another iron weight onto my shoulders. The need I had for Todd grew, but after meeting Molly this past Wednesday, I feared I was taking him away from what he really wanted. After all, having grown up with just my dad, I was an expert on what it was like to grow up in a family minus one parent. Todd had never spoken about Emm
a before, he told me she was just a one night stand, but the more the pieces fell into place, the more it became apparent he might have loved her if it wasn't for Liz. He could have had a life with her, a life he deserved with his daughter. Who was I to take that from him? My chest tensed at the thought of leaving — my soul wanted this, wanted Todd — but I wasn't sure I could make it through another loss. My father's death was still fresh, and Derrick and Becca's betrayal still haunted me. I wasn't ready for another person to leave me.

  Todd had brought Molly to his apartment for lunch on Wednesday before work. I hadn't gone with him to pick her up, but I'd had to go with him to drop her off on our way to the bar. My hands had been full of nervous energy as I lowered the stereo in the truck. I watched as Todd embraced Emma, his strong, wide form ate up her skinny frame. She was drop dead gorgeous. Emma was on the tallish side with long, golden blonde hair, and, with her model-like features, I could see why Todd would have liked her. The three of them looked perfect together, smiling and laughing. I swear all they needed was a freaking dog, and it would be the all-American family. Watching them from the front seat of Todd's truck was the first time since meeting him that I'd felt inadequate, and it was also the first time I felt selfish for loving someone. I was the reason he wasn't going inside with his family, with his baby girl. We had had such a nice time at the apartment just us three, but seeing them together made me feel small, and any hope I had started to wane.

  "What's your favorite ice cream, sweetie?" I bent down placing my hands on my knees as I looked into the most expressive brown eyes I'd ever seen. This little angel was all Todd, and I couldn't help but fall in love with the girl that could get Todd to smile like he hadn't a care in the world, like he had everything he ever wanted in her, like his life was truly complete.

  She shrugged her tiny shoulders, her blonde curls bobbed with the motion.

  "You like chocolate?" I giggled as her eyes bulged, and she violently nodded her head. "Yes, chocolate it is."

  I stood from my kneeling position and walked to the freezer, the chocolate and strawberry ice cream we had purchased earlier sat on the shelf in waiting. Grabbing the ice cream and three bowls from the cabinet, I began to scoop it into each bowl. I was nearly finished as I felt a small hand tug at the hem of my skirt.

  "Sis Lil?" It was so cute how Molly couldn't say her 'M' sound very well yet. All through lunch she had called me 'Sis Lil' instead of Miss Lilly. It was very endearing.

  "What's up, sweetheart?" Molly hugged my legs, and my pulse skipped a beat. This lovely little girl was taking root, and the warm feeling of acceptance washed over me.

  She smiled up at me and pointed over to Todd, who leaned against the doorway with a pleased and sexy grin that stretched ear to ear. Molly held tight to my leg, and I couldn't help but smile back at Todd. This quiet moment between the three of us felt good. We didn't need words; this was special, and I was extremely lucky to be a part of them.

  That day had been everything I'd hoped it could have been. Todd shined brighter than any star or any sun when he was with Molly, and watching him interact with her melted my heart. He was going to be such an exceptional father, and I felt guilty now for hoping I would be there to witness it. To witness the milestones, the daddy-daughter moments that would make him the happiest man alive. My eyes started to fill with liquid, and I dipped my chin, looking down at the floor of the studio in an attempt to hide my private freak out.

  "You doing okay, baby?" Todd's strong hands rubbed my shoulders from behind, his skilled fingers worked at the knots that had drawn together from the stress of this week. I nodded. "That song is so damn sad. I wish I could've known your father." A sob spilled hastily from my lips. "Shit, I didn't mean to make you cry, I'm—"

  "It's all right." I sniffed. "The song just gives me all the feels." I turned taking in his worried brown eyes and wrapped my arms around his waist. The soft fabric of his shirt rested against my cheek as I let myself fall into Todd, fall into the man I wasn't sure I could live without.

  He chuckled. "The feels, babe?"

  "Yeah, it makes me feel all sad, and happy, and just… all of them. Each and every emotion consumes me. It's suffocating at times." Todd's arms pulled me tight against his firm body, and though the constriction should make it harder for me to breathe, being this close to him, having him totally surrounding me, it was the easiest I breathed all week.

  He kissed the top of my head before he spoke, "You ready to go meet the family?"

  My eyes opened wide. I had forgotten about that. The Todd and Emma situation was messing with my mind, not to mention Blue Bar was busy as hell and having to train two new employees sucked. I was grateful for this Sunday, this time to be just me. "Maybe I should just skip this time, Todd."

  "What? Why?" He pulled away from me enough to gauge my expression? Hurt shadowed his dark irises.

  "Awe, Hellcat, don't be scared. The Dixons don't bite." Seth gave me a rueful smirk as he stepped away from his drum kit.

  "I know, I just think… I mean… this is the first time they're going to meet Molly. Todd, you told me your mom cried for an hour after you told her she was a grandma. I think this is more of a fam—"

  "I want you there… I need you there. Please don't bail on me." Todd's eyes pleaded.

  I shook my head; this was a bad idea. "I'm not bailing on you, but… are you sure they won't care I'm there."

  "I told you, baby, my mom is excited to meet you both. Plus, Lizzie and Soy will be there with Sailor. It's not just family." Even though Elizabeth and Sawyer weren't blood, they were still Todd's family, and I didn't want to be the odd person out on such a special occasion as meeting a grandchild.

  "Yeah, thanks for the invite asshole," Seth joked.

  "Shut the hell up, bro. You go to your dad's every Sunday, and you know it." Todd laughed. "They're going to love you. How could they not?" He gave me a lingering kiss on the lips.

  "And… that's my queue to leave." Seth grabbed his backpack. "See you guys later?"

  "I promise, Seth, my sister told me Pam leaves tomorrow. You'll be rid of me soon enough." I giggled at Seth's annoyed glare. "What?"

  "I told you, Lil, you stay as long as you want." Seth's hard features relaxed. "Mi casa es su casa."

  "Uh, it's my house, too, asshat. She's my girlfriend and can stay as long as she wants." Todd pulled me under his arm possessively.

  "Calm down, caveman. That's what I just said. See you later, Lily." Seth lifted his chin in a nod as he left the studio.

  THE SKIN OF MY hands felt numb as I rubbed my palms obsessively over the fabric of my skirt and down my thighs. We pulled up to Todd's parents' house. Molly was humming to herself as Todd placed the truck in park.

  "This is it." He looked over at me nervously.

  The house had a worn look to it; the stormy gray sky made the massive trees that surrounded the house a vibrant green. The yellow colored brick was trimmed with muted brown shutters and a brown, shingled roof. A large rusted wagon sat in the front lawn as decoration. You could see the huge barn just slightly behind and to the right of the house. Todd's family home sat on at least two acres of land. The rain had stopped and vapor seeped up from the paved drive.

  "Well, what do you think?" Todd's face split to one side in a sideways smirk.

  "It's nice."

  "Nice?" He barked out in laughter. "Just wait till you smell the cow shi—"

  "Todd! Molly's in the car… Remember, Daddy." I laughed as his brow dipped, obviously internally scolding himself.

  "I suck at this." He frowned.

  "You're a great dad." He started to protest. "Stop, I'm serious. She lights up around you. Isn't that right, Lolly? Your daddy's the best."

  "Yup." She giggled.

  "Thanks." His smile was small as he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. "I'll grab her if you wouldn't mind getting her diaper bag."

  "Sure thing." My anxiety coiled through my ribcage like a vine as Todd shut the door behind him. This was it.
I was meeting his mother and father.

  We hadn't even made it up the stairs to the house before the front door swung open. A beautiful older woman with flaxen hair bounded down the stairs. Her full lips spread into a giant grin as she took in the sight of Molly in Todd's arms.

  "Is this… is this… my grandbaby?" The emotion poured from her lips, and her russet eyes spilled over with tears.

  "Ma, please don't cry." Todd's voice was heavy from held back emotion and his eyes shined with unshed tears. "You'll scare her."

  "I won't scare this cute baby girl, will I?"

  I wasn't sure what to do, so I just quietly observed Todd as he introduced Molly to his mother, and I watched Todd pull his mom into a hug with one arm and hold Molly in his other with an overpowering sense of pride in his stature. Todd's world had been turned upside-down, but he didn't let it shake him. He grabbed the world by its axis and turned it just where he wanted it. He owned his life, and I loved him for it.

  "Oh gawl, I'm so sorry, my manners." Todd's mom rubbed at the running mascara. "I'm Karen, you must be, Lily?"

  "Yes." I smiled at her meekly.

  "Well, it's just wonderful to meet you, hon. Come on inside guys before it rains again." She gave Todd a private smile and led us into the house. The aroma of apples and cinnamon hung in the air, and my stomach growled. The house was simply decorated with a country style. Family photos lined the walls.

  "It smells good, Ma, you making apple pie?" Todd asked as he laced his fingers through mine. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and squeezed my hand easing my wired nerves.

  Karen watched us and grinned as her hand rested against her chest like she was trying to steady her breathing. "I made all your favorites: beef stew, buttermilk biscuits and, yes, apple pie."

  "Hell yes."

  "Todd, language." Elizabeth's voice was soft as we walked into the large open kitchen. Cameron, Colby, Liz, and Sawyer sat at the table snacking on what looked like a cheese and veggie plate. Elizabeth was the first to see Molly, and her smile couldn't have been any wider. Sawyer looked much better than that day in the hospital. He lifted his chin at Todd in a silent hello as Sailor pulled at the collar of her daddy's shirt. Todd had mentioned his recovery was going well.