Blurred

by Tara Fuller

  Balthazar slid the stack of golden papers across the desk to me with a silver-tipped pen. Light swirled and glowed around their edges.

  “You have a choice.”

  “What choice?” It was never a choice with Balthazar. It was always an exchange. An order. Free will didn’t exist here, and I made sure that I never forgot that.

  “Heaven awaits you, Anaya.” He nodded to the swirling light behind me. “I am a man of my word. You brought me the boy. Ensured that he was cooperative. All it will take is a few steps into that light to collect your reward. Your redemption.”

  I looked down at the hemp bracelet still around my wrist and swallowed. I’d only wanted Heaven when I knew Tarik would be there. Did I still want it? Did I want to put a world of impossible between us again for everlasting peace? My mother and father were there. After so many years, did they assume I was in Hell? Were they in pain over me? This could be a chance to give them that peace.

  My finger grazed over the bracelet and I closed my eyes, letting my mind fill to the point of bursting with everything Cash. Sleepy and paint-spattered in the mornings. Warm and trembling, with his mouth touching mine, his kiss promising to make me feel alive and free. He’d sacrificed his eternity for me. No questions asked. He just had that much faith in me. Not Tarik. Cash. I owed it to him to have that much faith in him.

  “What are you waiting for?” Balthazar’s voice interrupted my thoughts. “This is what you’ve been working a thousand years to achieve.”

  I opened my eyes, aching with memories and want, then sank down into the chair across from Balthazar. I stared at the gold papers and pen. “What is the other option?”

  Balthazar smiled, no doubt counting on this. “It’s a contract. Another thousand years of servitude. After those thousand years, if you can find me another shadow walker, I’ll grant you and your mate the freedom you desire.”

  I almost groaned. Another thousand years of collecting the dead. But Cash would be there. I couldn’t lose sight of that. And this wasn’t just about me. It was about him. A thousand years and we could both be free. We could be together. I touched the contract hesitantly.

  “Another thousand years of collecting the dead,” I said. “That’s it. No tricks this time. No hidden truths?”

  Balthazar leaned forward, folded his arms across the desktop, and smiled. A sunrise of color ignited under the places where his skin touched the glass. “Collecting the dead? Oh, no, Anaya. You’ll be doing something much more important than that.”

  Chapter 35

  Cash

  The whir of the heating and air unit and the cool gust from the ceiling fan brought me back to life. I didn’t open my eyes right away. Still hovering in that place between nightmare and reality, I was sort of afraid to. I opened my hand and let my fingers explore the expanse of cotton sheets and rumpled comforter. The cotton disappeared and they slid over smooth warm skin. I stopped, praying it wasn’t a dream, and allowed my eyelids to peel open. Anaya sat on the edge of my bed, smiling down at me. Early-morning sunlight came pouring over her in slices through the blinds. All at once everything came rushing back. The heat of the shadow land, the cold pain crackling like electricity through my body, me being…dead. I shot up, breathing hard, and patted myself down. I didn’t feel dead. I didn’t quite feel like myself but… I shoved back the sheets and peeked in my boxers.

  “Thank God,” I breathed.

  Anaya laughed from beside me. “Of all the things to thank God for.”

  I scooted back and combed my fingers through my hair, feeling the reliably messy spikes stand right back up like they always did. “Hey, after everything that’s happened, it wouldn’t have surprised me if the little guy hadn’t made the journey. And we’re a team. We stick together.”

  My gaze wandered down the length of Anaya and I couldn’t go another minute without touching her. Yeah, I needed answers. But at the moment, she was all that mattered. I reached out and snaked my arm around her waist to pull her close, but my arm passed right through her. My brows pulled together and I reached for her knee, but my fingers swirled into smoke the instant our skin touched.

  “What the hell?” Shaking, I pulled my hand up and stared at the back of my wrist. My skin had a slight shimmer to it, nothing like Anaya’s but it was there. Sort of a silvery blue embedded beneath my tan skin. “What’s going on, Anaya?”

  “You are going to have to concentrate to regain corporeality,” she said. “Balthazar says it won’t take long before you’ll be able to stay solid without even thinking about it.”

  I narrowed my gaze on my fingers and felt a little zing of electricity rush through to the tips. When I reached out this time, they closed over Anaya’s perfect satin skin. I didn’t move. Just stared at the way a swarm of blue sparks ignited where our skin collided.

  “Son of a bitch…I really am dead.”

  Anaya reached out and tipped my chin up with her fingers. “Not completely. You’re somewhere in between.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean? What did he do to me?”

  “He reanimated you,” she said. “Once you learn to control your abilities, you’ll be able to walk among the living fully corporeal, heartbeat and all. But you also have the ability to lose that for easier passage between worlds. Balthazar says you’ll have a better chance at nabbing escaped souls if they are under the impression you’re just another oblivious human.”

  I sighed, trying to wrap my mind around it all. “Why can’t you do that?”

  “You’re a very powerful soul. Most of us don’t have even an ounce of the power it takes to pull something like this off.”

  I nodded. “So…I’m still sort of alive. But if I want I can do stuff like walk through walls.”

  “Yes.”

  Okay. This was freaky as hell, but I could live with it. It’s more than I’d hoped for. I could still have a life. See Emma again and tell her I was okay. That everything had worked out. She might not look at it that way, but I’d seen the other side. I’d seen how this could have turned out. Sitting here in my bed, with a heartbeat in my chest, and the hottest girl in the universe at my side…yeah, it definitely could have been worse. Suddenly, I felt lucky. I felt…good. I took a deep breath and my lungs swelled without hurting. They just tingled and hummed with artificial life. I wrapped my arm around Anaya’s waist and pulled her close enough so that our thighs touched. My other hand rose and she touched her palm to mine, lacing our fingers together in a perfect weave. I had to focus to keep it that way, but it didn’t take much.

  “Look at that.” She smiled. “Already getting the hang of it.”

  I glanced down at her hip, looking for her blade…it was gone. So was the brown leather belt that usually held it in place for her. My eyes connected with hers and I realized they were different too. A rich deep brown with flecks of gold swirling in the depths. A smile lit up her face.

  “Where’s your scythe?” I touched her face, her lips. “What happened to your eyes?”

  She placed her hand over mine and pulled it away. “I got a promotion.”

  “What kind of promotion?”

  “I’m your guardian,” she said. “The shadows aren’t going to forget about you. Especially since you’re one of the only two shadow walkers left in existence now. And while this body and these abilities may seem like a gift now, they are only going to make you more vulnerable to those of the underworld. Balthazar said you were much too valuable to be on your own. So I signed a contract to be your personal guardian.”

  “And he let you do that?”

  She shrugged and snuggled in close to me. “He didn’t think he’d be able to keep us separated anyway, and there is no rule saying we can’t be together now that you’re technically not one of the living.”

  I started to smile but stopped. “I thought you were going to get Heaven for turning me in.”

  Anaya’s hand slid up my chest, over my collarbone, and into the hair at the nape of my neck. I shut my eyes, burning for her
by the time her lips touched my ear.

  “Heaven isn’t the forever I was working for, Cash,” she whispered. “You are.”

  I pulled back to see her face, and the energy between us felt raw and electric. I wanted her more than anything. And there wasn’t anything stopping me from having exactly what I wanted. Not anymore.

  My lips didn’t need any help finding hers. They knew the way there, as if it was a well-worn path to home. Alive, dead, in Heaven or Hell, Anaya was home. She was everything. I wrapped my arms around her tighter, my palm finding the small of her back. She opened her mouth under mine and I groaned, pushing her back onto the bed. Anaya’s arms wrapped around my bare back and my hands slid up her sides, wanting to feel something other than the cotton dress covering her.

  “Please tell me this comes off,” I said against her lips.

  Anaya laughed. “If I want it to, it does.”

  I kissed my way down her neck to her shoulder and nudged the white strap over with my thumb. She arched underneath me and I just about lost it. “Please, tell me you want it to.”

  Anaya hesitated for a second, long enough for me to wonder if I’d gone too far, and then the sensation of her skin against mine sent all my rational thoughts out the window. My hands itched for a paintbrush, or maybe that was just an itch to touch her. Anywhere. Everywhere.

  I leaned back a little to look at her and my heart pounded out a frantic rhythm in my chest. It may have been new, but it was getting a workout. I touched a fingertip to her chin and let it slide down the smooth, tan column of her throat.

  “I want to paint you someday,” I breathed against her neck. “Just like this.”

  Anaya wriggled under me. Her lips found my jaw. And that was it. I was a puddle of worthless goo in her hands. I probably wouldn’t have been capable of holding a paintbrush in my hand by that point. “We have at least a thousand years to work on that. But how about this time, you kiss me instead.”

  My stomach fluttered and I smiled against her mouth. “Now that I can do.”

  Chapter 36

  Cash

  I stood in the empty hallway of Lone Pine High School. It felt so small. So insignificant after everything I’d been through. I wasn’t here to go to class anymore. Now I was here for the escaped soul that wandered the halls. There was no telling how long he’d been here. But I knew he was a kid. The same kid I’d seen in the bathroom that day, back when nothing made sense. I hiked my bag up over my shoulder and looked behind me. Anaya leaned against the lockers, arms folded across her chest. She’d traded in her white dress for a pair of jeans and a white tank top that made me want to fall to my knees. Her braids were gone, replaced by one thick, loose braid she kept pulled over her shoulder. She said it was time for a change. I was still convinced she was just trying to distract me. Next thing I knew she’d be in a bikini, then I’d never get any souls collected.

  “I’m right here if you need me,” she said.

  I nodded and headed down the hall, letting the prickling cold sensation guide me. It felt like a glittering rope of energy, stretched out in front of me, tugging my chest. I passed Ms. Abernathy’s AP lit class and stopped at the blue metal door that led to the men’s restroom. It was where I’d seen him before. My heart pounded in my chest and I crossed my fingers that this went down the way it was supposed to. It’s not like there was a vo-tech course for shadow walkers. Sure, Anaya had given me some tips on how to handle souls, but I still didn’t exactly feel prepared. I pushed through the door and the room exploded with cold. The energy crackled across my skin like sparks. He was definitely here. I looked up in the mirror and there he was, standing behind me. I spun around, slowly, and dropped my bag to the floor.

  “Why are you here?” he asked. He was so dim; he looked like a faded image flickering in and out of existence, reminding me of the old black-and-white movies Dad used to watch late at night when he thought I was asleep.

  “I’m here to help you,” I said, unsure what he would want to hear. Also, praying that what I said was true. “It can’t be fun, being here all alone all the time.”

  “Is the other one here?” He peered around me looking for Noah.

  “No.” I shook my head. “He’s not coming back.”

  He looked unsure, but finally shook his head and dropped his gaze to the floor. “You could stay with me. We could play.” He looked up at me, hopeful. “I know some games.”

  I nodded. “How about I take you somewhere you don’t ever have to be alone again. Someplace where there are other kids to hang out with. People who care about you.”

  He shoved his hands into the pockets of his worn-out-looking overalls. “No shadows?”

  I shook my head and extended my hand out to him. “No. No shadows, buddy. You don’t have to be scared of that anymore.”

  He nodded and placed his hand into mine. A sudden jolt of energy connected us and I grabbed on to the sink to catch my balance. I looked down at our arms and a blue light swirled beneath our skin, linking us together.

  “What’s that?” He sounded nervous, a tremble in his voice.

  “I…I don’t know.” I grinned, trying to make him feel better. “I’m kinda new at this.”

  He nodded and I tugged him along with me out into the hall where Anaya waited. We emerged and she smiled warmly, taking his other hand and whispering sweet things to him. When we passed the half-open door to the yearbook room, I stopped, tugging us all to a halt. I checked my watch. Emma had yearbook this hour. And I still hadn’t seen her. Hadn’t explained. The sudden urge to see her, knowing she was so close, wouldn’t let me take another step.

  “What is it?” Anaya asked.

  “It’s Em,” I said. “I need to talk to her. Can you…”

  Anaya touched my arm and nodded. “I have him. Just don’t take too long.”

  I kissed the corner of her mouth that lifted with a smile. “Thank you.”

  I eased into the room and quietly shut the door behind me. Emma was across the room, huddled over a computer and a stack of prints, her blond hair dangling over the back of the chair. I wondered why she didn’t turn around until I saw the earbuds to her iPod hanging out of her hair. Six months ago, she never would have done that. Been that oblivious to the world around her. Six months ago she didn’t feel this safe. I smiled and rubbed my chest where it ached a little. I hadn’t thought I’d get this. A chance to talk to her again. I walked up behind her chair and listened to her humming the tune to a song from one of those indie bands she’d always liked. She stopped and I realized she must have seen my reflection in her computer monitor. Emma spun around in the chair, nearly knocking it over, and then she was in my arms, crying all over my shirt.

  “I’d be crying, too, if I listened to crappy music like that,” I said into her hair. She half sobbed and laughed, then slapped my arm. I squeezed her tighter, feeling more like me than I’d felt in weeks.

  “I thought you were dead.” She sounded muffled against my shoulder, holding on like she was afraid I would disappear again if she let go. I pulled away and wiped the tears off her cheeks with my thumbs.

  “I’m okay. That’s all that matters.”

  She got quiet and her eyes searched my face. She reached out and touched my cheek, then grabbed my hand and stared at the faint shimmer breaking through the pores of my skin.

  “What happened?” A tear leaked down her cheek. “Are you…”

  “Not exactly.” She looked like she was going to pass out, so I pushed her down into the chair and sat on my knees in front of her. “I’m sort of both now, Em. Alive and dead. And I work for your boyfriend’s old boss now.”

  She slapped her hand over her mouth, then pulled it away long enough to whisper, “I’m sorry. This is my fault.”

  “No, it’s not. This is what was supposed to happen to me.”

  She shook her head, lip trembling. “You don’t believe in ‘supposed to.’”

  I held her hand until she looked me in the eye. “I know it might not seem
ideal to you. Hell, it probably seems like a nightmare, but it’s not. I’m happy. I have a heartbeat.” I pressed her hand to my chest to let her feel it. “I’ve got breath in my lungs. I have this moment with you, and the chance to have more. And I’m in lov—” I stopped, feeling weird telling her about it. Her brows pulled together and she looked over my shoulder to where Anaya peeked through the little window in the door, then disappeared again.

  “Anaya?” She turned her attention back to me. “You’re in love with Anaya?”

  I glanced over my shoulder and couldn’t hold back the dopey smile. I laughed and scratched the back of my head. “Yeah. I guess I am.”

  Emma just stared at me for a minute, then laughed and hugged me. “Oh my God…you love a girl. Cash Cooper loves one, singular, girl. And a reaper girl!”

  “Hey, she’s not a reaper anymore,” I said, grinning like an idiot. “She’s sort of my guardian now. It’s her job to watch out for me. We’re a team.”

  I didn’t tell her Anaya wasn’t the first girl I ever loved, because it didn’t matter now. We were all right where we were supposed to be. It finally felt like all the pieces were in place. For the first time since all this started, I felt like I could really, truly be happy for her the way she deserved.

  “So…things can go back to normal now?” She sounded too hopeful. I couldn’t let her have that kind of hope. I wrapped my hands around hers and stared at our fingers. “You’re back, right?”

  “For now,” I said softly, as if the tone of my voice would soften the blow. “I’m not really alive anymore, Em. My body isn’t going to age. And I have this job now…”

  She swallowed and her eyes watered. She looked away from me like she was trying to study the collage portrait of this year’s senior class on the wall. It didn’t take long to find the image of me and Em, my arm slung around her shoulder as we both grinned like idiots. It had been taken before all of this had even begun, and it felt like a lifetime ago. “What does that mean? You’re leaving?”