Finding Kia

by Airicka Phoenix

  He snorted. “Well, we don’t, but I’m not normally home around this time and my shows don’t start until much later.”

  “Oh, I see. So I get the remote by default?”

  He seemed to think about it a moment, absentmindedly nibbling on his sandwich. “Yeah, I guess you do.”

  I flicked a piece of crust at him. “That’s nice.”

  He chuckled and flicked the crust out of his lap, onto the floor. “So what did you do this weekend?”

  “Uh …” I looked away. “Nothing. Just kind of … loitered around.”

  I didn’t have to look to know he was watching me. “You loitered around?”

  “Yeah, you know?” I snatched up the remote and randomly began flipping through the stations.

  “Ooookay.” He went back to his sandwich, finally giving me the room to breathe.

  We watched half an episode of some sitcom drama before I realized that oh my God I couldn’t handle daytime TV. The people made me want to pitch my plate across the room. The inexplicable surge of violence frightened me enough to change the channel.

  “I thought all girls liked those shows,” Adam observed calmly, as he polished off his second sandwich.

  “Yes, well, I think there’s something severely wrong with all girls,” I muttered, still annoyed that Hank whatever-whatever didn’t tell his daughter that he was her father and then went and got himself hit by a car and mysteriously wound up with amnesia. What the hell was that?

  Adam laughed, a deep, belly rumble that almost made me crack a grin. “I think I could learn to like you, Kia.”

  I frowned, uncertain. “Thanks … I think.”

  “That’s a good show.” He jerked with his sandwich baring arm towards the TV just as I landed on some cop drama.

  “I thought your shows didn’t come on at this time,” I reminded him, setting the remote down.

  “They don’t, but I’ve seen a few episodes of this one.”

  I liked it. There were moments of confusion where I’d missed something in a previous episode, but Adam filled me in.

  “You certainly seem to know a lot for a guy that rarely watches this show,” I teased.

  “I have a photographic memory.”

  I glanced at him, nudging my glasses a bit higher on my face with my knuckle. “Do you really?”

  He started a nod that gradually turned into a shake of his head. “No, but I’ve seen a few before this one.” He dusted his hand and set his empty plate on the coffee table next to mine. “So how are you and Van friends?”

  Surprised by his abrupt change of topic, I blinked. “What do you mean?”

  He shrugged, throwing an arm over the back of the sofa. His fingertips nearly brushed my shoulder. I edged away, not trusting my restraint not to tackle him if he touched me. He didn’t notice. “Well, you’re nothing like my sister.”

  I looked down at my jeans and sweater and bit my lip. True. I was nowhere near as pretty as Nessie or as outgoing or as funny, but to have him point it out was like a blow.

  “I don’t know,” I murmured.

  “Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good thing, but I just never pictured Van getting a friend who’s actually smart.”

  “How do you know I’m smart?” I wondered. “Because I wear glasses?”

  He nodded slowly. “Yes, there is that …” He grinned when I scowled. “But I saw the notes you left for Van to copy off of.”

  I looked away. “They’re just notes. I copied most of them off the board.”

  “See, now you’re just selling yourself short. I think it’s great that you have two brain cells in your head to rub together.”

  I wasn’t sure, but I could have sworn it was meant as a compliment. “I’m taking it you don’t know a lot of girls with brain cells?”

  He snorted. “Not nearly enough. Most of the girls I know are shallow, more interested in their looks than books.” His gaze rose up and met mine. “I’m partial to smart girls, more so if they’re funny to boot.”

  Something in the way he said it made me want to do something severely stupid, like blurt out that I was the girl from Halloween.

  I wrangled that bad idea back into the closet before answering, “Smart and funny? Setting those standards pretty high, aren’t you? They don’t make ‘em like that anymore.”

  He dropped back and stared at the muted TV. “Oh, I don’t know.” The fingers next to my head drummed lightly on the cushion. “You’re smart and funny.”

  “Yeah, but I’m a rare breed,” I said. “You can’t expect to duplicate all this awesomeness.”

  Those mesmerizing blue eyes swiveled to the side and pinned me. “Mm, good thing then that I always go for the original.”

  The conversation had taken a dangerous turn and I had no idea what I was supposed to do, although I knew exactly what I wanted to do. It was just too bad that I didn’t have the guts to actually follow through.

  “Thinking hard again I see” he teased, turning his body so I had his undivided attention.

  I dampened my lips nervously. “It’s a curse.”

  “And what are you thinking now?”

  That I should leave. That I should get up and leave before … what? I couldn’t think. He seemed suddenly so close. Hadn’t there been a full sofa between us? But all the space remaining was on his other side. His knee bumped mine.

  “That fantasy is always better than reality,” I answered, slightly breathless.

  Something flickered behind his eyes. They narrowed. His head tipped ever so slightly to the side and he observed me with a look of cautious deliberation.

  “Not always,” he murmured.

  I nodded, falling without a harness into his eyes. “Always.”

  He continued to study me, seemingly searching for something. “What were you doing Friday, Kia?”

  Something in my chest jumped. “What?”

  God could he hear my heart? The crack of it was deafening.

  “Friday, nena.” His hand lifted, started for my face. Behind my glasses, I felt my eyes widen. I felt my breath stop and my heart exhilarate to rates that were definitely not safe. “Where were you?”

  I dampened my lips, stalling to allow my brain enough time to find an excuse. Then his finger hooked into the arm of my glasses and I felt them getting drawn away. I stiffened. Panic seized me.

  “Stop!” I was off the sofa in a single lunge.

  “Kia.” Adam rose slowly to his feet.

  I turned away, prepared to march into the kitchen to grab my things. “I need to go.”

  In a move I never heard coming, he was suddenly in front of me, blocking my escape. “Look at me.”

  No! I wanted to scream. I didn’t want to. I couldn’t. He was getting too close, too close to the truth and I couldn’t handle that.

  “Kia.” His fingers glided down my arm. “Please.”

  I shook my head. “Adam … don’t …”

  He moved unexpectedly away. I could hear his breathing, rapid and as harsh as mine. “I’m sorry,” he said after a long, agonizing silence. “I didn’t mean to scare you.” He gathered our empty plates. “I need a drink. Would you like one?”

  He left me alone in the sitting room without waiting for a response. I could hear him rummaging around in the kitchen and cursed myself for leaving my bag in there. Not that it mattered. I couldn’t stay. I needed to leave.

  I started for the foyer just when the front door swung open, followed by a loud, “Honey, I’m home!” The familiar voice had ice water rushing through my veins. I stiffened as Nessie rounded the corner. She froze as well and stared back at me.

  “Hi!” I said for lack of anything better.

  There was a crease between her eyebrows. “Hey.” She dumped her book bag inside the doorway. “What are you doing here?”

  “I, uh, thought we had study plans,” I lied.

  Nessie’s frown deepened. “We did?”

  I went along with her horrible memory. “Yeah, we talked about it earlier today
.”

  I could see her wracking her brain trying to remember. “Oh,” she said at last, giving a shrug. “It’s school work. I tend to forget that on purpose.”

  Guilt wormed its way through me and it was on the tip of my tongue to confess when Adam ambled back into the room carrying two frosted glasses of soda. He seemed more in control as he glanced at his sister. There were no signs at all that we’d been doing anything more than just watching TV. I had no idea how he did it, because I was barely keeping myself together.

  “How was detention?”

  “Just fine,” Nessie replied, flipping a piece of hair off her shoulder. “I think I might get an award for most detentions in a single year.”

  Adam set the glasses down on the coffee table. “Mom and Dad’ll be so proud.” He straightened, wiping his hands on his jeans. “What are you two doing tonight?”

  Nessie shrugged. “Kia says homework, but I have a date with Gary. We’re going to the movies. I talked him into catching that new Channing Tatum flick.” She wiggled her eyebrows while biting her bottom lip.

  I hadn’t considered the possibility that Nessie may have plans. But then again, I really hadn’t been there to do homework. Nevertheless, standing there, I felt like an idiot.

  “Oh, no worries.” I began edging towards the kitchen. “We can study another night.”

  “No!” Nessie grabbed my arm. “Come with us.”

  I laughed tightly. “Yeah, no thanks. I’d rather not be a third wheel.”

  “You won’t be!” Nessie turned to her brother, her eyes pleading as she gouged her nails into my arm. “Because Adam will go with you.”

  “What?” It took me a moment to realize there wasn’t an echo in the room, but that I had shouted the word the same time as Adam.

  “Oh come on! Kia needs a date.” Like I was some homeless dog in need of a good home.

  “No, I don’t!” I may as well have been invisible.

  “I have things to do,” Adam muttered, his face set in a hard line.

  “Yeah, me too!” I had absolutely nothing to do, but no way was I going to admit that.

  “Oh like what?” Nessie challenged, glancing from me to Adam with annoyance. She glared at me. “Study?” She glared at her brother. “Watch TV?” She scoffed. “You two are so lame. It’s not like you have to hold hands. Just come to the movies.”

  “Unlike you,” Adam began, starting towards the door. “I actually have homework I need to finish.”

  “Loser,” Nessie muttered, turning to me. “Whatever. I’ll ask Gary to bring one of his friends to hang with you. Jason, his BFF, is super-hot and I’ve told him like everything about you. He totally wants to meet you.”

  From the corner of my eye, I caught Adam folding his arms and shifting his weight from his right foot to his left. I kept my focus on Nessie.

  “That sounds really great, but I—”

  “No, you don’t understand. Jason is like four hundred degrees of gorgeous. If I wasn’t with Gary, I would totally put moves on him. You will wet yourself. Trust me. And he will love you.”

  I frowned. I didn’t know Jason, but I highly doubted he wanted to hang out with his BFF’s girlfriend’s nerdy best friend. He’d take one look at me and hit the doors.

  “No thanks.” I wiggled free of her grasp. “It’s fine. We’ll catch up another night, okay?”

  I hurried into the kitchen for my backpack before she could stop me again. I could feel the heat of my humiliation radiating beneath my sweater, making it impossibly hot. But there was relief in there as well. After that altercation, I was so glad I hadn’t revealed myself to Adam at the party. His reaction to seeing a simple movie with me had been evidence enough that my single magical night would have gone up in an eternal inferno of embarrassment if he’d known who was behind the mask.

  “Kia?”

  Grabbing up my bag off the table, I swung it on and turned to the voice in the doorway. Adam stared back at me.

  “Yeah?” I hoped my voice sounded casual.

  “I really do have homework,” he said.

  I fidgeted, jostling my bag higher on my back. “Okay.”

  He sighed, fisting a hand through his hair. “I don’t want you to think I don’t want to go with you.”

  There was a fist-sized wedge lodged in my throat. Choking a smile around it felt impossible. “Hey, it’s fine. I have stuff to do, too, so …”

  I started towards the door, wishing he would get the hint and go so we wouldn’t have to cross paths. But he remained there, blocking my way. I stopped a short few feet from him and stared down at our feet.

  I heard him sigh. “If you really want to go, I’ll go.”

  “I don’t want to go,” I lied horribly.

  “I know you do. I can see it on your face. So just go with me.”

  My head came up, anger and mortification sizzling hot behind my suddenly burning eyes. “Why? Because you think I need a pity date like Nessie did? God, Adam!” I shouldered past him.

  I made it all the way to the front door before he caught up to me. “That isn’t what I—”

  “What’s going on?” Nessie hurried into the foyer from the sitting area.

  I grabbed and wrenched the door open, chewing into the inside of my cheek to keep the tears from falling. “I’ll see you at school tomorrow.”

  “Kia, wait—”

  But the bang of the front door behind me lanced off whatever Adam was going to say. I jogged down the front steps and practically ran all the way to the bus stop.

  Chapter IX

  One Giant Step For Change

  I kept the tie in the envelope, in my backpack. It seemed like the safest place, or so I told myself. It had nothing to do with my insanity, or inexplicable desire to want a piece of him close. The guy was so out of my league that he wasn’t even playing on the same field. Girls like me needed to set their sights on more realistic opportunities like boys from the Math Club or Chess Team. Boys who understood our intellectual … oh who the hell was I kidding? I wanted Adam Chaves the way a crack addict wanted her crack. I was ashamed to admit it, even to myself. It was humiliating being so completely wrapped up in a person who couldn’t even bring himself to see a movie with you. The whole thing boiled down to the way I perceived myself in the mirror each morning, which annoyed me far more than my addiction to Adam did.

  Before Adam, I went days without glancing in the mirror. I threw on whatever two things I found in my dresser, passed a brush through my hair and considered the job a success. Now I stood there, picking out details that had never been there before. My face was too pale. My eyes were too brown. My glasses were too ugly. I was too tall. My face was too square. I had weird teeth. Each imperfection was another ring in a very high ladder of reasons why I could never catch Adam’s attention.

  “Hey you.” Joanne poked her head in through my open door. “What are you doing?”

  I pitched aside the sweater I’d been holding, letting it fall into the large pile of sweaters steadily growing higher around me. “Nothing.”

  Joanne slipped into the room, a thin line formed between her concern filled eyes. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing!” I said again, this time with more edge.

  “Well, something clearly has you upset.”

  “It’s nothing! I just … ugh!” I kicked viciously at the pile. “I hate everything about myself.”

  “Whoa!” She was suddenly right in front of me, her small hands gripping my arms tight. “Now you just sit down a minute and explain yourself.”

  I sat, not because she said so, but because I didn’t want to stand anymore. I dropped my face into my hands. I felt the bed dip beside me. Her slender arm slipped around my back.

  “Now tell me what’s going on.”

  I told her. I started from the moment I saved Claudia’s life, to the party, to Adam. I left nothing out.

  “You never cared about what you looked like before,” Joanne said when I finished.

  “Because t
here was never a boy I wanted to notice me before.”

  She pursed her lips. “Well, you know what? You have two options here. You could change everything that you’re comfortable with, everything that makes you the person you are, for some boy who can’t see your true worth in the first place. Or, you make him see what an amazing and wonderful person you are.”

  I frowned. “I don’t like either of those options.”

  Joanne chuckled. “Those are the only two I’ve got. Sorry.”

  “See, that’s my problem.” I rose and began pacing the length of my room. “I hate this person I’ve become. Adam has never asked me to change. At the party, he looked at me like I was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen, which is so stupid because he couldn’t even see me. But I knew that if he could see me, the real me, he’d freak and I was right. The second Nessie mentioned us going to a movie together, he … God, Jo, you should have seen his face. You’d think he was asked to breed with a slug, or something. It was horrible. I have never felt so … low.”

  “But from everything you’ve told me about this guy, he seems to genuinely like you. Maybe it was something else that had him upset. Maybe he really did have homework. Vina Academy is brutal on maintaining a certain grade point average.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know. I just know I want this to stop. I want to go back to the way I was. I liked me, the old me, not this idiot person I’ve become.”

  “I like you, too,” Joanne said when I stopped ranting. “So does your mother and your father and Dallas. There are a lot of people who like you and I think if you let him, Adam will like you, too.”

  I dropped down next to her. “No, he won’t.”

  “Why?”

  “Because the hot, gorgeous leading male won’t realize the error of his ways and fall in love with the awkward, nerdy girl. This isn’t the movies. Guys like Adam never want girls like me.”

  “Kia!” Nessie bounded into Bio the next day with a flush on her face and two stubby things in her hand. She waved them wildly over her head as she hurried around the tables to where I sat. “Look what I have!”

  I had to jerk back when she thrust out her arm, nearly rearranging my nose alignment. The stubby things were tickets and even with my glasses on, they were shoved so close to my face, the words were blurred.