All of You

by Gina Sorelle

  “If you don’t stop struggling, I’m gonna wind up hurting that shoulder of yours a lot worse.” Nathan managed to yank Danny off the sidewalk and into the parking lot. “So why don’t you chill the fuck out, before I have to cuff you, partner.”

  “Are you, like, arresting him?” a feminine voice called out. It rang some faraway, inconsequential bell in the back of Danny’s brain, but he couldn’t place it.

  And it wasn’t Kat’s voice, so Danny really couldn’t have given less of a fuck, anyway.

  Nathan got him to the passenger side of the Denali, dug out his keys, and popped the locks. When Danny just stood there, considering his next move in a hazy, heartbroken fog, Nathan scoffed. “Don’t make me lift your ass into this car like a fucking baby, you hear me, Mac? Get. In.”

  Danny looked in Nathan’s hard face and knew there would be no winning this war. Nathan was clearly prepared to beat ass to de-escalate this situation. And Danny was sober enough to know he was still too drunk and tired to put up much more of a fight.

  But it didn’t mean he had to be happy about it.

  “Fine. Whatever. Just get your fucking hands off me,” Danny said, trying to shake off Nathan’s firm grip. When Nathan just eyed him suspiciously, that damn brow quirked, Danny scoffed. “I’m not gonna cut and run, okay? I’m not stupid enough to think I can take you right now. Plus…” Danny grinned right in Nathan’s stoic face. “I’m kinda looking forward to blowing chunks all over your car.”

  “Um, hellooooo?” a different feminine voice called out. “Yoooo-hooo! Excuse me, police man! Are you arresting Danny?”

  Nathan glanced over his shoulder and turned back, a disgusted look on his face. “You do that and I’m gonna rub your face in it.” Nathan gestured to the inside of the car. “Now get in before I actually have to talk to one of those priceless gems you picked up for yourself tonight.”

  Oh, yeah.

  That’s where he’d heard their voices before.

  It was…Bambi? And…Trixi? From the bar.

  As he slid into the Denali, one of them yelled out, “Danny, if you’re not under arrest, you can home with us, instead! We can still party, Danny…come on!”

  Nathan turned around slowly, legs spreading a little and his arms crossing his chest in full-on you’ve-gotta-be-fucking-kidding-me Police Mode.

  Danny would have recognized it from a mile away. It wasn’t much different than Nathan’s regular mode, but it typically involved less patience and more sternness. Which was really saying something.

  He shot them his infamous stoic gaze. “Stop. Yelling.”

  The girls reared back and exchanged glances, before looking back at Nathan. They each nervously shifted weight from one high-heeled foot to the other as Nathan continued staring them down.

  “Who drove?” he asked. When neither woman answered, Nathan said, “Answer me. How did the three of you get here?”

  The blonde scoffed lightly, but the flippancy of the sound didn’t match the suspicious, nervous way she was eyeing Nathan. “We don’t have to answer your questions.” She gestured toward Nathan. “You’re not wearing a uniform…how do we even know you’re actually a cop?”

  Nathan didn’t say a word and he didn’t move a muscle. Danny couldn’t see his face, but he’d be surprised if the man even blinked. He just wordlessly stared until both women averted their eyes and shifted nervously again.

  “My sister-in-law called you a cab and it should be arriving here very shortly. Until then, you need to go sit in your car and wait, because it’s too cold to stand out here much longer. I will sit in my car and wait until the cab picks you up, A, because it’s late and you’re drunk, and, B, because I need to make sure you don’t drink and drive.” When neither woman spoke or acknowledged Nathan in any way, he said, “Do you understand me?” They both nodded. “Then, go. Now.”

  The women stumbled over to a dark-colored Nissan, got in, and started it up. Nathan turned and slammed Danny’s door shut before walking around to the driver’s side and sliding in.

  Nathan started the car, adjusted the heat dials, and sat back with sigh. “You sure know how to put on a dramatic show, Mac, I’ll give you that. Complete with two airhead bar flies, an over-the-top meltdown, and a good, healthy dose of drunken stupidity.”

  Danny scoffed. “You’re one to talk. I seem to remember you putting on your very own shit-show last year. Yeah, sure, no chicks, but you had yourself a nice, little drunken meltdown in the back of a police cruiser…remember, partner?”

  Nathan’s already serious expression turned downright grim before he nodded once. “Yes, I see how a valid comparison could be made, but-”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah…I know…” Danny turned to look out the passenger side window, back toward Kat’s apartment. “Big difference is, you didn’t do it in a pathetic attempt to force Stella to love you. ‘Cause she already loved you. And she still loved you when it was over.” Danny paused. “In fact, I remember being shocked as hell at all the shit she said after we picked your drunk ass up.” He scoffed softly at the memory. “‘I love him unconditionally,’ I think she said.”

  Nathan paused before clearing his throat. “Mac…”

  Danny turned back with a forced smile. “Not necessary. You’re a lucky guy to have a woman love you like that.” He scoffed, again, head shaking. “And, this? Hell, this is nobody’s damn fault but my own. All of it.”

  A brief silence stretched out before Nathan cleared his throat. “Stay at our house tonight. I’ll take you to get your car tomorrow.”

  Danny lifted a shoulder. “Yeah, okay. But my car’s not at the bar. Jensen and Stoller picked me up. You can just take me straight home.”

  Home.

  Nothing but a bunch of drywall, brick, and wood. He never had given a fuck about it. Not really.

  But it had been someplace special with Kat there.

  Without her, it was back to being nothing more than a place to exist…a place Danny no longer wanted to exist. Not without her. She’d ruined the whole place with her voice, her scent, her smiles…the way she’d moved her body…the way she’d looked at him…everything they’d done to each other…everything she’d said to him…

  Lies and confusion, all of it. But it hadn’t felt that way at the time.

  So he’d let her in. All the way. Now there was no way of getting her out.

  And Danny knew there never would be.

  But moving would help. Twenty-three hundred miles, two time zones, and a whole new life would ease some of the pain. Because Danny couldn’t think of any worse torture than having to see Kat over and over again – month after month, year after year – without being able to touch her. Laugh with her. Make plans with her. Revolve his whole life around her.

  Love her with everything he was and everything he had.

  Danny’s throat tightened painfully…

  Be forced to sit by and watch in silent agony as she made a life with some other man.

  No. Fucking. Way.

  The cab arrived and Nathan got out to pay the driver and give some instructions. Alone, heartsick, and wondering if he’d actually be able to leave her when the time came, Danny allowed himself one last glance at her window. And all he could think was…

  How do I walk away from my heart?

  Chapter Forty-Three

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  At 6:49 a.m. the next morning, Kat was sitting on her couch, staring off into space and trying to muster up the energy to shower before work.

  When her phone dinged, Kat’s heart skipped a beat. Even though she already knew it wasn’t Danny – and that it would never be Danny again – Kat couldn’t help but wish. And hope. And pray.

  But when Kat looked, it was just Stella.

  Again.

  Just as it had been all night. The woman would not shut up or be deterred, temper tantrums and candle breaking apparently be damned.

  Stella: I’m on my way to your apartment. Should be there in five minutes.

  Kat: Why?

/>   Stella: Because I need to talk to you. Now.

  Kat: I have to get dressed for work. I’ll call you tonight.

  Stella: This can’t wait.

  Kat: Well, it’s going to have to. I already told you, in no uncertain terms, that I do NOT want to talk, Stell. If you don’t leave me alone, I’m going to tell Nathan you’re bugging me. And that you’re texting and driving.

  Stella: Don’t. You. Dare. When Kat didn’t respond, Stella added: No, seriously. Don’t tell him about the texting. Please. The lecture I will receive will be astoundingly long, boring, and annoying.

  Kat: Then go home.

  Stella: Can’t. Gotta talk to you. By the way, he knows I’m coming right now. I’ll be there in four minutes.

  Kat huffed, texting: What could be so urgent that we have to talk right now? Suddenly worried, Kat added, Is Gia okay? Are you okay?

  Stella: We’re all fine. N and I stayed up all night, dealing with a certain drunken houseguest, so I am a little sleep-deprived. I’m sure you can relate. Doubt you slept a wink last night, either. Not that you answered any of my texts or phone calls. :/ By the way, next time you see Nathan, you can thank him for not letting me drive over earlier, which is what I wanted him to do. Could have had this whole thing sorted hours ago.

  Stomach knotting tighter, Kat texted: What thing?

  Stella: Whatever BULLSHIT this is going on between you and Danny.

  Hands shaking, Kat texted: What do you mean, bullshit?

  Stella: Three minutes.

  Kat: There’s nothing to talk about. Seriously. Please go home.

  Stella: Two minutes. Maybe still three, since this idiot in front of me is insisting on going the speed limit…drives me nuts. Before Kat could respond, Stella texted: You might as well do it this way. Nathan’s idea, by the way. Mine was driving back to Danny’s, throwing his hung over ass in the car, and dragging him over to your place. I’m thinking you’ll much prefer the Nathan way?

  Kat: I’d PREFER to be left the hell alone. Like I said the other night, remember?

  Stella: Hahahaha. NO. After your little bitch fit, I gave you some space, but it’s time to figure some shit out, baby sister. Before you and Danny make any bigger of a mess of this than you already have.

  Kat: I just won’t answer the door.

  Stella: I have a key, remember.

  Kat: Stella, please. I am not up for this right now. I’ll talk to you later, okay?

  Stella: Two minutes. Maybe a minute and a half. Is Fi asleep?

  Kat sighed and texted: Yes, why?

  Stella: Good. Nathan said she was “fairly emotional” last night – which I took to mean she was a raving lunatic. Am I right?

  Kat: Yes.

  Stella: Figured. Well, we don’t need her butting into this particular conversation, so it’s a good thing the woman sleeps like a rock.

  As Kat was formulating her next reply, she heard the jingling of keys outside the front door. The deadbolt turned and then the knob lock flipped.

  Her shoulders slumped, head shaking, as Kat breathed out, “Damn it.”

  “I heard that,” Stella said, coming through the door. She pulled the key out of the knob, shut the door behind her, and tossed her purse and keys onto the ledge. She peeled off her jacket and threw it on top of the other stuff before heading into the living room.

  Stella walked in front of the couch and looked Kat up and down, head shaking. “You look almost as bad as he does, which is saying a lot, considering the man has been in a drunken stupor for pretty much the last week straight. He’s also not eating or sleeping…” She gave Kat a pointed glance. “Kinda like someone else I know.”

  Kat twirled the afghan tassel around and around her finger. “I’m sleeping.”

  Stella sat beside Kat, grabbed a hand, and leaned closer. “Lying in bed for twelve hours a day and crying doesn’t count as sleeping.” She squeezed Kat’s hand. “All this stress wouldn’t be good for anyone, but it’s especially not good for you. Between the flare-up you were already having and this…I don’t know how much more your body can take.” Stella paused, leaning over until Kat met her eyes. “Not to mention what all this is doing to Danny.”

  More tears welled and fell down Kat’s cheeks.

  Stella brushed them away. “The man is a mess of a human being right now, Kat. An absolute wreck. He’s barely functioning. Nathan’s so worried about him he’s thinking about getting him put on leave because he’s damn near useless out in the field right now.”

  Kat’s already battered spirit took another beating, knowing she’d not only broken Danny’s heart, but that she’d effectively ruined every other part of his life, as well – including a job she knew he excelled at. A job she knew he loved.

  Selfish. Stupid. Cruel.

  “And you’re not doing any better.” Stella eyed Kat, head shaking slowly. “I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s like…it’s like, without each other, you’re both…I don’t know…falling to pieces. Falling apart. Breaking down. Like each of you just cannot survive without the other anymore.”

  Kat’s crying intensified until she was full-on sobbing again. Stella wrapped her arm around Kat’s shoulders and pulled her into a hug. “Oh, Kat…”

  Her hands clutching Stella for dear life, Kat open-mouth sobbed into the crook of her neck, completely incapable of holding any of the pain, anger, and loss inside any longer.

  “This has to stop, Kat,” Stella said, gently patting her back. “I know you think you’re doing the right thing, but this is not fair – to you or to Danny. Or to all the rest of us who are dying watching you guys both suffer.”

  Kat lifted her heavy head to meet Stella’s eyes.

  Stella pushed a few wild strands off Kat’s face and patted her cheek. “Nathan – of all God-blessed people – figured it out first, probably because his thought processes are as crazy as yours. He said you mentioned something about not wanting to hurt Danny the night he drove you home from the club…said he started putting two and two together after you pushed Danny away after the hospital.” She rolled her eyes. “Of course he didn’t say anything about it to me, because that would have been way too easy. The man always has to process, dissect, and formulate opinions before he dares speak.” Stella scrunched up her face. “Also, I’ll have you know I’m kinda pissed Mr. Emotionally Stunted saw the light before I did. But, in my defense, it never would have occurred to me you’d be so – well, let’s see, I don’t even know how to put it…ridiculous? Misguided? Flat-out delusional?”

  “What are you talking about?” Kat asked hoarsely, already knowing her jig was officially up.

  Stella gave her a pointed look. “Did you or did you not break up with Danny because you think the MS is progressing?” When Kat stared back at her wordlessly, stoic mask affixed, Stella sighed. “Kat…”

  Kat still didn’t speak, because there was simultaneously too much to say and nothing to say at all. And how could she even begin to verbalize everything that had happened, anyway…and what would be the point of even trying? What’s done was done, Kat’s reasons were still valid and everyone knowing her motivation wasn’t going to change any of it. She’d known they’d all figure it out eventually, anyway.

  “Really?” Stella asked, rearing back. “After everything that happened? You actually went and pulled a Nathan?”

  “It’s not the same-”

  “It’s exactly the same! He walked out on me…” Stella air quoted. “‘For my own good’ and you just did the exact same thing to poor Danny!” She dropped her hands into her lap, head shaking. “Kat, what in the world were you thinking?”

  “First of all, I never blamed Nathan for what he did. In fact, on several occasions I said that I understood his thought processes and why he made the decisions he made. That didn’t mean my heart wasn’t broken for you both or that I wasn’t thrilled it ended up working out the way it did, but my understanding of his motivation never waivered,” Kat said. “Second of all, like I told Nathan the night
he drove me home from the club, this is a different situation from what went on with the two of you. His issues were fixable. His fears and concerns were…” Kat paused. “Not ‘all in his head,’ but something like that. They were psychological things that – with time, therapy, patience, and love – could be minimized or eradicated. That’s not the case with me, Stell. My issues…” Her eyes welled, again, her chest tightening up painfully. “My issues are never going away! And, not only that, they will continue to get progressively worse! Until I am no longer able to walk, feed, speak, or go to the bathroom by myself! How could I do that to him, Stell! How could I steal his life away from him like that! You’re a nurse – you know better than anyone what a lifetime with me would mean for Danny!” Kat exhaled a half-sob, half-strangled laugh. “If you can even call it a ‘lifetime!’ If my MS continues to worsen, I could be dead in ten years, Stella! Maybe sooner! And then what would happen to Danny? He’d be alone…and heartbroken…and it would be my fault for sentencing him to it out of my own selfishness!”

  “But he’s alone and heartbroken now!”

  “But he’s still a young man!” Kat grabbed both of Stella’s hands and leaned closer, latching onto her dark eyes. “Don’t you see, Stell! He still has time! Time to…to get over me! To find someone else! To be happy! To have the family he’s always wanted…the family he deserves…” A sob rose in her chest. “The family I could never, ever give him, no matter how badly I want to!”

  Kat started sobbing again and Stella pulled her into another hug.

  “Oh, Kat, honey…” Stella stroked Kat’s head and began rocking back and forth gently. “Oh, you poor thing…”

  “I love him…so much…Stell,” Kat whispered between sobs. “I don’t how…I’ll live…without him! But…I have to! For him!” She curled her fingers harder into Stella’s shirt, clinging to her. “Oh, God, Stell…tell me how to do this…please…because I don’t know how. No matter what I do…I just can’t stop loving him…and I feel like I’m dying without him…but I have to let him go…you can see that now, right? That I have to hurt him now…to save him?”