All of You

by Gina Sorelle

  “Oh, cara,” Stella whispered soothingly as she continued stroking Kat’s head and rocking them. “I am so sorry you were carrying this by yourself all this time.” She pressed a kiss to Kat’s head and rested her cheek against it. “Our always-too-strong-for-her-own-good Kitty-Kat.” Stella exhaled a soft scoff. “And I can’t believe I didn’t see it sooner – especially after that comment you made at the hospital about not wanting to hurt Danny. Must be Mommy Brain, because usually I’m not usually so slow on the uptake. Should’ve known you were up to some stubborn, silly nonsense.”

  Kat lifted her heavy head and met Stella’s eyes. “‘Stubborn…silly nonsense? Did you…hear a word…I just said, Stell?” she said between hiccups.

  Stella rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I heard it. Bunch of bullshit.”

  Kat’s mouth gaped. “Bunch of…what?”

  “You heard me. Bunch. Of. Bullshit. Not your concerns, of course. Those make perfect sense. But what you did with those feelings…how you handled this?” Stella scoffed. “Total bullshit.”

  Kat righted herself, pulling out of Stella’s embrace, and wrapped her arms around her midsection. After a few deep, calming breaths, she asked, “What do you mean? Which part?”

  Stella threw her hands in the air. “All of it!”

  Kat balked. “Me not wanting to ruin Danny’s life is bullshit?”

  “No, you not telling him the truth and letting him make his own decision is bullshit!”

  “But if I told him, he’d never walk away! You know him, he’d probably never leave my damn side again!”

  Stella quirked a brow. “And why is that, Kat?”

  “Why do you think? Because he loves me!”

  Stella smirked and Kat scoffed.

  “I don’t know what that self-satisfied look on your face is supposed to mean, Stell, but you can wipe it right off! I know the man loves me! You know the man loves me! Everyone knows the man loves me! But because he loves me is not a valid reason for allowing Danny to throw his life away on me! I love him too much to let that happen. I won’t.” She used the cuff of her sweatshirt to wipe at her face. “And it will all work out for the best, you’ll see. Danny will move on and meet someone else and be happy…and I’ll…” Kat squeezed her eyes shut tight and shook her head hard against hideous images of a future without him. “I’ll move on, too. I’ll never stop loving him – never – but in time, the pain will lessen and when I do finally get sick, he’ll understand. He’ll see why I had to do this…for him…” She choked on another sob, more tears falling. “Because I love him so much. And I always will. I’ll still get to see him…I’ll still get to be – in some small way – a part of his life, even if it’s just in passing…”

  “No, you won’t,” Stella interjected quietly. “Because Danny is moving to California.”

  Kat’s mouth gaped and Stella nodded. “He told us last night. He has a friend who’s getting him into the LAPD…”

  There was something in Stella’s pause, or maybe the pained expression on her face as she paused, that scared Kat to death.

  She grabbed Stella’s forearm. “What? What does that look mean?” When Stella just looked at her sympathetically, Kat squeezed. “It gets worse than him moving across the country?”

  “Danny is planning to train for their SWAT team.”

  Kat reared back. “He’s what?”

  “He’s wanted to join Cleveland SWAT for years, but never did because he didn’t want to break up their partnership. But Danny said now that he’s moving, anyway…”

  Stella’s voice trailed off as Kat’s heart and mind revolted against it all.

  “But…he can’t move…” Kat shook her head in disbelief. “His…his whole life is here…his job, all his friends…” She met Stella’s eyes. “You guys. Gia.”

  Fickle Bitch Brain: Me. Us.

  Better Judgment: No, not you! And there is no us! Not anymore! And there never will be!

  Stella’s eyes welled as she nodded. “Yep, we, uh, got into all that last night, too. Danny’s obviously torn to shreds about it, but he doesn’t want to put Nathan and me in a difficult position by making us choose between you.” She swiped at her eyes, scoffing. “I told him there isn’t a choice to make – he’s Nathan’s brother and you’re my sister. I told him that we love you both and would never turn our backs on either one of you, no matter what happened.” Stella laughed through her tears. “But that man can be a stubborn ass sometimes. He says he doesn’t want to be the reason for any friction in the family, so he’s going to remove himself from the equation.”

  Kat shook her head again, still trying to process. “But, he can’t leave…”

  As illogical as it was, it had been one thing to let go of Danny knowing she’d still get to see him…only occasionally, yes, but it had been somehow comforting to know he’d always be around. That Kat would hear about how he was doing via Nathan and Stella and maybe get to bump into him at various family functions.

  It was a whole different thing to think about him being truly gone – across the country, living a totally separate life, engaging in a highly dangerous job…

  With no one to look after him.

  No one to take care of him.

  No one to love him.

  Well, until he meets someone else, anyway.

  Kat swallowed against the ever-growing lump in her throat. “Did he say why he’s moving?”

  Stella threw her hands in the air. “Because the weather’s great and he’s a big fan of taco trucks! Why the hell do you think he’s moving, Kat!”

  But Kat was in no mood for Stella’s quips. Not with the already inconceivable loss of Danny now made so much worse. It was all she could do to not grab her keys, drive over to his house, and beg him not to leave Cleveland…so that Kat could still see him, be close to him, maybe even get the chance to talk to him or accidentally touch him once in a while…

  A deep, dark secret suddenly burst out of its hiding place and into the forefront of her consciousness:

  There was some small part of you that thought you’d eventually let Danny wear you down…that maybe after you felt like you’d put up a good enough fight, you’d finally relent and let yourself have him…let him have you…because you knew the two of you couldn’t be around each other for very long without it turning into more…always more…

  But now he’s leaving and the possibility of that is leaving with him…

  Kat clutched at her chest for what felt like the hundredth time since she’d left him.

  Stella studied Kat’s stricken expression for a few long moments. “Do you want to know what he really said?” she asked softly.

  Kat nodded, too choked up to speak.

  Stella smiled, reaching up to tuck a loose lock of hair behind Kat’s ear. “He said he couldn’t bear to be near you and not have you.” Tears Kat wouldn’t have thought she still had in her formed and fell. “He said if he has to live without you, he needs to do it as far away as possible, because he can’t trust himself to stay away from you.” Stella paused, her smile turning into the smallest of grins. “True to Danny MacDonough form, he also said he’d very likely kill – slowly and with his bare hands – any…” Stella paused. “How did he put it…‘fucking dickhead asshole douchebag’ you brought around.”

  Kat couldn’t help but laugh through her tears. “Yeah, that sounds like him, all right.”

  “You’ve awakened quite a possessive beast in him, little sister,” Stella said. “You do know he’s freaking out wondering if you and Ben are together, don’t you?”

  Kat sighed. “Yes, I’m aware.”

  “Why would he think that?” When Kat didn’t answer, Stella’s brows shot up. “Ah, let me guess…you told him that as part of this altruistic, ingenious plan to push him away?”

  “I didn’t exactly say it,” Kat replied. “But I also didn’t really deny it when he started jumping to crazy conclusions like he always does.”

  “Yeah, well, the man bought it hook, line, and
sinker. And he’s damn near losing his mind about it, too. We must’ve spent an hour on that particular topic alone, last night.” Stella grinned. “Nathan eventually reached his limit and told Danny he never wanted to hear the name ‘Ben Forster,’ in our house, ever again.”

  Kat sighed. “He is the most illogical, rash, emotional man I have ever met.”

  “And you love him like crazy for it, don’t you?” Stella asked softly.

  “Yes, of course I do! But it’s not a matter of loving him! It’s a matter of doing what’s best for him!”

  “You know, Kat, I’d really like to know who died and made you the boss of what’s best for Daniel MacDonough? Since when is your opinion the only opinion that counts? It’s his life, too, Kat…don’t you think he should have a say in how he wants to spend it?”

  Kat scoffed. “He’s too emotional and loving and loyal to make a rational decision about this. He’ll think with his heart, not his head. And he’ll make decisions based on what life is like right now, never considering how things will change if my condition worsens.”

  “All we can do is make decisions based on what’s going on right now, Kat! Because right now is all we know! It’s all we have! The past is done, we have no idea what will happen tomorrow, so the only thing we can truly do anything about is the present!”

  “Yes, but I have a fifty-percent chance of-”

  “Yeah, you have a fifty-percent chance of your MS going from benign to non-benign! So what? My mother had breast cancer, I had breast cancer, and that could mean I have an increased chance of getting it in the other breast! Or my ovaries! Or I might just end up with a totally different kind of cancer or disease! Does that mean I should stop living my life? Does it mean I shouldn’t let Nathan love me? That I shouldn’t have had Gia, knowing something – anything – could happen to one or both of us? Or to her?” Stella gestured wildly. “Nathan is a police officer in one of the most crime-infested cities in this country! I hold my breath from the time he walks out of our house for a shift until the minute I hear the sound of Velcro tearing as he’s undoing his bulletproof vest when he walks in the door! Does that mean he shouldn’t let me love him? Does it mean no police officer – or anyone else in a dangerous occupation – should ever fall in love, get married, or have kids? That they should cut off all ties with their loved ones and curl into a ball and hide from the world because something might happen to them?”

  “You’ve seen what end stage MS looks like, Stella,” Kat replied evenly. “You’ve cared for more patients with it than you probably care to remember. Is that really the life I should want for Danny? Is it the life you want for him as his friend?”

  “Of course not! But we don’t get to choose the crosses we’ve been given to bear, Kat! Or who we fall in love with! And it’s ridiculous – and unreasonable – to base decisions on ‘what ifs!’ You could walk outside and get hit by lightning, a bus, or bitten by a rabid squirrel and die way before the MS gets a chance to kill you! You cannot base your life around hypothetical circumstances that may or may not come to pass! You of all people – Miss Logical, Level-Headed, and Scientific – should know that!”

  When Kat didn’t respond, because, quite frankly, she was too shocked by Stella making perhaps her first logical argument ever, Stella pressed on.

  “And let’s use Danny for an example…same thing: he is a police officer in a particularly dangerous area of an incredibly dangerous city. Every time he works, he puts his life on the line – literally puts his life on the line. Did that ever once give you pause? Did it make you think twice about falling in love with him? Building a life with him? Centering your future around him? Having a family with him?”

  Kat shook her head. “No. Not once.”

  “Well, why not?”

  Kat shrugged. “Because I love him and wanted to be with him more than I feared possibly losing him.”

  Stella held her tongue for the first time in a long time, creating a powerful, revelatory silence that allowed the truth of the matter to sink deep into Kat’s soul.

  And blow her mind.

  “That’s how Danny feels,” Kat whispered.

  To herself. Since know-it-all Stella clearly already…well…knew.

  Stella’s lips curled into a knowing smile. “Yes, my dear, beautiful, blind sister. That’s how Danny feels. About you. He loves you more than he fears losing you.”

  Kat shook her head, still fighting against the possibility that she’d been so terribly misguided. “But he doesn’t have all the facts. Maybe he would change his mind if he really knew what could happen.”

  Stella lifted a shoulder. “Maybe he doesn’t and maybe he would. But you’ll never find out if you don’t trust him enough to lay it out all out and allow him to make his own decision. You’ll never know anything if you push him away.” Her lips tugged into another grin. “But I think we both already know that no information or revelation on earth could keep that man from loving you and wanting to take care of you forever…don’t we, Kat?”

  “But I want so much more for him…”

  Stella threw her hands in the air. “What’s more? Being rejected and abandoned by you – the only woman he’s ever loved? Being forced to live without you? Spending the rest of his life pining for you – probably spiraling into self-destruction because he can’t have you? Is that the more you’re thinking would be so much better for him?”

  “But maybe that wouldn’t happen. Maybe time would heal things…maybe he’d find someone else and things would all end up working out better for him…”

  Stella pointed toward the door. “You go over to his house, take one look at him, and then tell me if you think time is going to heal what’s hurting him! That he’d ever actually stop loving you long enough to find someone else! That he wouldn’t spend the rest of his life heartbroken without you!” She grabbed Kat’s shoulder and gave her a shake. “He wants you! He loves you! And if he can’t have you, I’m telling you, that man will never recover! So, tell me…how is that more?”

  Her mind racing and her heart aching, Kat found herself emotionally paralyzed and unable to answer, which was okay considering Stella’s questions were smart-assed and rhetorical, anyway.

  Stella slid her hands down Kat’s arms, grasped her hands, and sighed. “Listen, since Nathan’s birthday is tomorrow, I thought I’d have the family over.” She rolled her eyes. “We can’t call it a party, or Nathan will sign up to work – you know how he feels about people making a fuss over him. But it will be a little party.” Stella paused. “I’ll invite Danny and you guys can talk.” She lifted a shoulder, lips curling. “If I were you, I’d get in my car right this minute, drive over there, and jump on top of him, but we both already know that’s not happening. If I had to guess, I’d say you need time to think about everything, then think about it some more, and then come up with a new plan of attack?” When Kat nodded, Stella did, too. “Yeah, I figured. So, do this…take today to get your thoughts together and then come over tomorrow night and see if you can’t work something out, okay?”

  “What if he refuses to come?” Kat said, already shaky and excited inside at the thought of seeing Danny again – and ecstatic over the prospect of maybe actually telling him the truth. And terrified of what that revelation might lead to, good or bad.

  Stella’s lips curled into the slyest grin Kat had ever seen. “You just leave that man to me. He’ll be there. ‘Cause if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s getting stubborn-ass men to do what I want.”

  Chapter Forty-Four

  ‡

  “You are such a fucking asshole for doing this,” Danny muttered as he climbed the steps up to Nathan and Stella’s front porch. “Damn she-devil and her womanly manipulation.”

  Standing there, a bottle of the she-devil’s favorite Riesling in one hand and a Glock cleaning kit in a gift bag for the birthday boy in the other, Danny contemplated turning right back around, getting into his dented Audi, and leaving.

  Why are you doing this t
o yourself?

  Nathan hates celebrating his birthday, so it’s not like he’ll give a shit if you don’t show up.

  And Stella can deal – her this-is-one-of-the-last-times-we’ll-be-able-to-celebrate-Nathan’s-birthday-together bullshit, aside.

  Danny heard laughing from inside the house and the sweating and shaking he’d been experiencing spiked. His heart began pounding harder and faster against his ribcage and the muscles in his stomach knotted tighter – his body responding furiously to the knowledge that Kat was only a few feet away, just on the other side of the door.

  It wasn’t only anxiety and dread that had the blood pumping harder through his body, his hands all clammed up, and his mind racing…there was anticipation mixed in there. Heady excitement, too. Because, as it turned out, Danny’s body didn’t really give a shit about how difficult it would be to be near her or how much pain he was in. It just wanted to be close to her no matter what the circumstances, further psychological damage, be damned.

  Which is why you’re moving. Because, if you stick around here, you won’t be able to stay away from her. You’ll pant after her, find any excuse to be near her, and probably end up on your knees, begging.

  And Danny wasn’t sure how many more polite, detached interactions and rejections he could stand before there was nothing left of him.

  Danny eyed the deep red door.

  Might as well get it over with.

  His fingers curled tighter around the wine and gift bag.

  It might be the last time you see her before you go.

  Danny yanked at his collar, trying to alleviate the sudden tightness in his throat.

  Might be the only chance you have left to say…

  Good-bye.

  Danny rapped hard on the door twice before opening it and stepping inside.

  “Danny, hi!” Stella jumped off the couch and walked towards him, smiling. “Come on in!” She reached for the wine bottle and gift bag. “Let me take those!”