All of You

by Gina Sorelle

  Danny stepped far enough inside to shut the door behind him. “The, uh, wine is for you. Obviously.” He cleared his throat – against the tightness and the sudden, awkward silence in the front room.

  And all the eyes he felt on him, including hers.

  Danny forced himself to focus on Stella’s face – afraid of what feelings and knee-jerk behavior making eye contact with Kat might cause. “And the, uh, gift is for Nathan.” Danny cleared his throat again. “I know he said no gifts, but, uh…” He pulled at his collar. “It’s nothing. Just something small.”

  “How thoughtful, Danny!” Gigi shoved Stella out of the way and grabbed his arm.

  She pulled him in further before doing her usual disrobing – yanking off one arm of Danny’s jacket and then the other, until she was folding it over her arm. She smiled up at him, gesturing into the room. “Well, come on in! The pizza just got here and we were about to sit down and eat!”

  Danny nodded, smiling stiffly. “Okay. Thanks.”

  “Just us adults tonight. Well, except for Gia, of course. Marco is home with sick kids and Carla took the girls to her mom’s for the weekend.” Gigi gave him one more heartening smile and tossed the jacket on the back of a chair. She turned to Nathan, Fi, Nina, and Kat. “Okay, everybody, let’s go eat!”

  Danny stood there, trying to focus on Nathan as he approached. But that didn’t mean he missed seeing Kat out of the corner of his eye. And it didn’t mean that that peripheral detection hadn’t dropped his heart, balled up his fists, tightened up his chest, and…

  Danny shoved his hands into the front pockets of his khakis and shifted slightly…

  Because goddamn if just the slightest glimpse of her and the faintest scent of her in the air hadn’t hardened him right up.

  Danny wondered how many years would have to go by – fuck, how many decades – for Kat not to affect him this way.

  My bet’s on the remainder of my natural life.

  “I told you last night you didn’t have to show up,” Nathan said quietly, as everyone filed into the dining room. He lifted a shoulder, arms crossing over his chest. “Not saying Stella wouldn’t have hunted you down and dragged you over here, anyway, but you could have at least tried resisting.”

  It was Danny’s turn to shrug. “She was right. I probably won’t be around for many more of your birthdays.” His lips curled. “Not that you give a shit, but I know she does. And I do.”

  Nathan’s brows furrowed slightly and his lips pressed into a grimmer line than usual, which indicated some emotional response.

  “What?”

  “I give a shit about you not being around,” Nathan said flatly.

  Danny had been so focused on getting away from Kat that he’d hardly had time to think about what leaving Cleveland meant for other aspects of his life. And Nathan’s life.

  But before Danny could respond, Nathan shrugged and said, “But enough about that,” and walked away.

  And that was the end of that particular heart-to-heart.

  Danny followed Nathan into the dining room, where everyone was already sitting down and his stomach dropped to realize the only open seat was between Stella and Gigi…

  Directly across the table from Kat.

  Shit.

  Palms sweating like crazy and his hands shaking, Danny pulled out the chair and sat down. He couldn’t decide what would have been worse – sitting across from her like this and having to look straight at her, or sitting next to her – so close they probably would have accidentally brushed against each other, her scent driving him out of his mind.

  He quickly decided both arrangements fucking sucked.

  As everyone started digging into the pizza and making small talk – well, everyone besides Danny, Kat and Nathan (who refused to engage in small talk under any circumstance) – Danny braced himself.

  Just look at her and get it over with. You can’t avoid her eyes all damn night. Just look at her once and get the worst of it over with.

  It’ll be better once you get that awkwardness out of the way.

  Just look, dammit…

  Danny balled his hands into fists against his thighs, clenched his stomach up, and looked over at her.

  And the sight of her face delivered precisely the breath-stealing gut punch he’d expected it to.

  Fuck, she’s so damn beautiful.

  But Danny’s concern increased the more he took her in. Kat looked tired, pale and just flat-out worn out. She was slumping in her chair, hands in her lap, and she had dark circles under her eyes. Her expression was tight and blank as she stared at the piece of pizza Fi was setting on her plate.

  Danny clenched his fists up tighter, because all he wanted to do was pull her out of that chair and into his arms…to hold her as tightly as she’d allow, for as long as she’d allow.

  Unfortunately, she doesn’t want that and she doesn’t want you.

  But now that he’d looked at Kat, Danny couldn’t take his eyes off of her. He knew he was flat-out staring – knew everyone else saw him staring, too – but there was no stopping it. Especially since he knew this might be the last time he saw her for months. Maybe longer.

  God, I love her.

  And need her.

  So fucking much.

  Danny’s chest felt like it had been cracked open, exposing an empty, hideous, gaping wound. An exposed wound that everyone could see, but nothing could heal.

  Nothing – no one – but her.

  Stella asked Kat a question about work and Kat glanced over to answer. Then, suddenly, her eyes shifted to Danny…

  Those amazing, beautiful, deep hazel eyes…the ones that had caught his attention from the moment they’d met. The ones that had stared into his during the most intimate moments of his life…ones that had touched his fucking soul and gazed into his heart…ones that had made him feel truly seen and known and accepted – for the first and only time in his life.

  Eyes Danny could have drawn by heart, if he’d had a creative bone in his body. Eyes that were burned into his brain. Eyes that haunted his dreams…

  Eyes that were now staring back at him with such emotion – such open sorrow – that he felt tears forming in his.

  Danny’s gaze bore into hers and hers into his, until all he saw was the brown, gold, and green flecks of her irises and all he felt was overwhelming love, astonishing loss, and painful need.

  Kat.

  In that moment, Danny forgot it had all been confusion and lies and misguided affection. All he could think about was how much he’d always liked her and admired her…how much she’d always turned him on without even trying…how easy it had been to fall in love with her…how loving her, taking care of her, and making plans with her had seemed so natural…how beautiful and life-changing all those small moments with her had been…how, for once in his life, he had been so hopeful about the future, simply because she would have been in it…

  But as she stared back at him with those soulful eyes, the crushing pain slammed back into him, reminding him that she’d never loved him. That the same moments that had been so incredible and profound for him had meant nothing to her. That she’d never pictured a future with him…

  No, that wasn’t true. She had pictured a future with him…she just hadn’t liked what she’d seen.

  Danny wondered if she knew he was moving. And, if she did, he wondered if she even cared.

  She’ll probably be thrilled to see you go. The constant reminder of the mistakes she made won’t be around and she’ll be able to move on without guilt. She’ll be free of you and all the drama. She’ll go back to being happy again.

  Despite her mishandling of their situation, Kat was not a malicious or unkind person. Knowing she’d hurt him this way was obviously weighing on her, which explained her appearance and the anguished look in her eyes as she held his gaze.

  Yet another good reason for leaving. Because, even though she destroyed me, I still can’t stand seeing her in pain. I would gladly suffer whatever I had to
endure to make sure she was taken care of, safe, and happy.

  I can’t take care of her and I can’t keep her safe, but I can make her happier. By removing myself from her life and allowing her to let go of the guilt and move on.

  Stella cleared her throat, breaking into his thoughts.

  When Danny turned to face her, Stella smiled. “Somebody wants you, Danny.”

  The moment Danny’s eyes left hers, Kat bit her lip to keep from screaming – at him to look back at her, at everyone to leave so they could be alone, and at herself for being such a blind, stupid, stubborn fool for so long.

  Gia bounced up and down on her feet giggling and babbling, as Stella held her up.

  “As usual, the second she spots her Uncle Danny, I turn into chopped liver,” Stella said, laughing.

  Danny smiled big at Gia, making her giggle loud and bounce harder. She reached for him, arms stretching in his direction.

  “Come here, baby girl,” Danny said, leaning over and taking Gia from Stella’s arms into his own. “Come here and give me some love.” He kissed Gia’s cheek a bunch of times, making her squeal and babble.

  A horrible, yearning look suddenly crossed Danny’s face as he looked down at Gia. He gently pulled her into his chest, holding her close, and Gia wrapped her chubby arms around his neck.

  “My funny little martian,” he said softly, smashing what remained of Kat’s already decimated heart to smithereens.

  Because Kat knew he was thinking about leaving the only family he’d ever known. And he was leaving because of Kat. And it was all because Kat had been so busy trying to protect him that she hadn’t given a second thought to what might actually make him happy…hadn’t even considered trusting him enough to make his own damn decisions.

  Because, just like always, you know best, right?

  In a dazed fog, Kat watched Danny turn Gia and set her in his lap. He tried cutting the pizza up into tiny, bite-size pieces for her, but Gia kept grabbing at Danny’s hands, making him laugh – the deep, husky sound of it tightening Kat’s throat until it became almost impossible to breathe.

  Fickle Bitch Brain: Tell him you’re sorry for lying to him, hurting him, and not respecting his opinion! That you were wrong for not giving his feelings any credence! That you love him – that you’ve always loved him – and that you always will! That there was never anyone else and there never will be…that you want to marry him as soon as humanly possible…that you want to spend the rest of your life making up for the hell you’ve put him through…

  Kat’s brain paused, waiting for her Better Judgment to pipe up like she always did.

  But there was nothing.

  Just silence.

  Because, suddenly, Kat’s vast realizations and rock-solid certainty filled the space where doubt, fear, self-protection, and misguided intentions had once resided. Where they’d resided for as long as she could remember. Where she’d assumed they’d always be – keeping her strong…smart…safe.

  Kat stared at Danny’s beautifully familiar face, tears welling yet again and her lips pulling into the slightest of smiles as epiphany after epiphany washed over her.

  This isn’t about reason, judgment, facts, or logic – and it never has been. And it never will be, no matter how hard you try to make the pieces all neatly fit into something that soothes your scientific soul.

  This is about something that cannot be measured, studied under a microscope, objectively evaluated, or shoved into a neat equation. It makes no outward sense, nor is there rhyme or reason as to when, where, or how it arrives in your life, the impact it makes, and – most especially – the person it arrives in.

  It’s about things only the metaphorical human heart can feel: trust, attachment, attraction, lust, joy, pain, loss…

  Love.

  Kat’s chest expanded as she inhaled the deepest breath she’d taken since Danny had walked out of her lab. Her body tingled, her heart pounded and raced, and every muscle in her body was trembling thanks to massive rushes of all types of love hormones.

  But Kat’s mind was clear – clearer than it had ever been. She knew what she wanted and how very badly she wanted it…

  All you have to do is reach out to him…for him.

  All you have to do is make yourself vulnerable…to take a leap of faith.

  All you have to do is trust him to catch you.

  “Danny, can I talk to you for a minute?” Kat blurted.

  When Danny’s eyes shot to hers, an inscrutable expression on his face, Kat cleared her throat. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out so she closed it and swallowed hard a few times.

  Kat held his gaze, willing him to read her mind, despite knowing she was too closed-off to read. That she’d always been too closed off to read. She still tried her damndest, though, because the detached way he was staring at her was quickly become too horrible to bear.

  Answer me!

  Please!

  Kat felt the tears fall, but didn’t bother wiping them away…allowing them to slip down and splash onto her white-knuckled hands folded in her lap.

  The shallow breath she inhaled hitched on a quiet sob. “Please, Danny…” she pleaded softly and Danny flinched.

  “Oh, uh, here…” Stella reached over and awkwardly lifted a fussy, squirming Gia out of Danny’s lap. “Why don’t you guys go talk in the spare room?” She handed Gia to Nathan and turned back to Danny, shoving at his shoulder.

  Stella shot Kat a pointed glance. “Go on, Kat. Go talk to Danny in the spare room, okay?” When Kat didn’t move, because Danny wasn’t moving, Stella said, louder, “Get up and go in the spare room, you guys, okay?” She laughed nervously. “Before I make Nathan drag you both in there!”

  When Nina and Fi both opened their mouths to butt in, Stella did a zip it motion across her lips and somehow, miraculously, shut them both up.

  “Actually, I should probably get going,” Danny said, his eyes never leaving Kat’s.

  “No, Danny, no! Not yet!” Gigi gestured wildly toward the kitchen. “We have all those cannolis and cream puffs for dessert! And I even picked up a mini Cassata cake for you, because I know it’s your favorite! And Nathan hasn’t opened his gifts yet!”

  Danny glanced at Gigi and smiled stiffly. “Thanks, Gigi, but I really should go.” He pushed back his chair. “This was probably a mistake, all the way around.”

  “Danny, please talk to me…” Kat whispered. He looked back at her, that same horrible, blank look on his face – so different from the way he’d looked at her for the past eighteen months – and her anxiety and desperation spiked.

  “Please…I have to talk to you…just for a minute…” Kat paused, more tears falling. “Before you go…please…”

  When Danny didn’t respond, Nathan pinched the bridge of his nose, head shaking. “Jesus Christ, Danny, please go fucking talk to her before I put my goddamn fist through something,” he gritted out.

  Danny cleared his throat. “I think Kat and I said everything we needed to say to each other. More than once. I really don’t see any need to hash any of it out again.” He stood up and tossed his napkin onto the table before sidestepping his chair and pushing it in. He gripped the back of it, eyes still glued to hers, and quietly added, “So I think it’s best if we just say goodbye now, Kat, and leave it at that.”

  A few seconds of awkward, stilted silence elapsed, during which every cell of Kat’s brain and body revolted against the thought of Danny taking so much as another step away from her – let alone him leaving the house…

  The county. The state.

  And the thought of him walking out of her life forever was totally incomprehensible. Absolutely intolerable.

  “Danny, I love you,” she whispered, no longer caring about anyone or anything other than – for the first time since they’d known each other – telling this man the absolute truth.

  Every bit of it. Even though it would hurt. Even thought it would be difficult. Even if embarrassed her.

  She had to.
Despite the agonizing humiliation and the sudden uncertainty of Danny’s response, Kat had to try. He had put himself out there again and again for her…this was the least she could for him. For them both. After everything she’d destroyed. Because of how much she wanted and needed his love.

  Because of how very badly she wanted and needed to love him in return.

  Kat held onto his eyes, despite the cold, wary way they were staring back at her. “I love you and I’m sorry,” she continued, tears still sliding down her cheeks and splashing onto her tightly clasped hands. “I messed everything up, I know that now.” Kat swallowed against the huge lump in her throat, her eyes pleading with his. “But I don’t know how to fix it. Tell me how to fix it, Danny.” Her voice caught when he flinched again. “Because I love you. And because I honestly can’t live another day without you.”

  “Bullshit,” he shot back and it was Kat’s turn to flinch. “We both know that’s not true, so I can’t imagine why the fuck you’re saying it, Kat. You never loved me. You told me that, more than once. And you don’t love me now.” His eyes narrowed, head shaking in disbelief and probably disgust. “I don’t know if you’re lying because you feel guilty, because you don’t want your back-up plan and fuck buddy to leave, or because you just get off messing with my head – but I’m not listening to it anymore. Because I’ve had just about all I can take of your lies and mindfucks for one lifetime, Kat.”

  “You know what, why don’t you give her a chance to explain?” Nina snapped, waving off Stella’s zip it movement and imploring look. “No, Stella! Before he goes off all half-cocked like a fucking asshole, maybe he should let her get more than two sentences out!” She turned her glare on Danny. “In private. Like a fucking gentleman. Because he knows how hard this shit is for her to say to begin with, let alone in front of everybody!”

  “I’m not lying now, Danny,” Kat whispered, drawing his eyes away from Nina and back to her. “I was lying then. I didn’t mean anything I said when I broke up with you.” She searched his eyes, desperate for him to see the truth there. “And I think, deep down, you must know that…you must know that I love you. That I meant everything I said and that what we did…” Kat was shocked to find the flush spreading across her cheeks was all pleasurable memories and zero embarrassment. “That it meant everything to me, Danny. That you mean everything to me. You must know that.”