Always A Bridesmaid (Left At the Altar)

by Richards, Jana

  "I should have known your reaction had something to do with her." She looked away.

  Zach took her hand. "Why did you want to have this surgery, Dani? You had the most magnificent breasts I've ever seen."

  "I didn't want magnificent breasts! I wanted plain, ordinary, everyday breasts like every other woman."

  "Why?"

  "You have no idea what it's like! Since I was fourteen years old I've been ogled and teased."

  "By men like the guy at the gym, though that went way past teasing."

  "Yes. Men and women have felt free to make comments like 'I can't believe those are real' and 'Can I touch them?' I've been mistaken for a porn star. People make assumptions about my intelligence based on my breast size. I never knew when I dated a man whether he liked me or was just obsessed with my boobs."

  "I had no idea."

  "Of course you didn't." She wiped at a tear from her cheek. "Why would you? You have no idea what it's like to have a body and a face that's not perfect. I don't expect you to understand."

  "Are you saying you don't believe I'm capable of empathizing, that I don't know what it's like to feel inferior in some way?"

  Dani dared a look at him. Even in the middle of the night, with a growth of beard on his chin, his curly hair mussed and his clothes rumpled, he still looked like he stepped off the pages of a men's fashion magazine. How could he possibly understand what mere mortals like her went through?

  "I'm just saying it would be difficult for you to understand my feelings, considering the way you look."

  He smoothed her hair from her forehead. "You're wrong, Dani. I do understand."

  She turned her face away from him. "I'm really tired, Zach. I think you should go."

  "I want to stay, make sure you're okay."

  "I'll be fine. Sarah and Will are close by if I need anything. You should go." Her chin quivered as she tried to hold back tears. "Please go."

  He remained seated for a long moment. Finally, he sighed and got to his feet.

  "Okay, I'll go, because I don't want to upset you but I'll be back tomorrow. And I'll be back every day after that." He stooped to place a gentle kiss on her forehead. "You're wrong about me. I do understand what it's like to feel different, to be the odd man out. People judged me for years because of my relationship with Chantal. They thought there was something really wrong with me to let her walk all over me the way she did. I thought there was something really wrong with me, too. Until you came into my life.

  "I love you, Dani. I loved the way you looked before, and I'll love the way you'll look from now on. I won't leave you. I hope you believe me."

  She dared a look at him. He looked determined, but there was an air of sadness about him, too. She couldn't bear that she'd made him sad. She spoke around the lump in her throat.

  "You'll be back tomorrow for sure?"

  "Yes, for sure. Sleep well, sweetheart."

  "Goodnight."

  He turned off the lamp and left the room, quietly closing the bedroom door behind him. Dani concentrated on taking deep, calming breaths and soon her heart rate returned to normal.

  She glanced at the small armchair in the corner. He must have sat there while she slept, waiting for her to wake. She couldn't believe he'd come, that he wanted to look after her.

  I loved the way you looked before, and I'll love the way you'll look from now on. I won't leave you.

  Could it be true?

  Dani stared at the ceiling for a long time before she finally fell asleep again.

  * * * *

  A soft knock on the door woke her early the next morning.

  Sarah poked her head inside. "Good morning, sweetie. How are you?"

  "I'm okay. A little sore, but I'll be fine."

  "That's good." Sarah slipped inside the room and closed the door. "There's something I need to tell you--"

  "First, I'd like to ask you a question. Why did you ask Zach to come last night? It's bad enough you and Will have to see me like this, but it's humiliating to have him see me when I looked like the bride of Frankenstein."

  Sarah put her hand on her hips. "First of all, I didn't ask him to come over. When I told him you'd had surgery, he demanded to see you. I couldn't have stopped him if I'd wanted to. And secondly, you do not look like the bride of Frankenstein. Quit saying things like that!"

  "Okay, fine. Not the bride of Frankenstein. Maybe the patient in the operation game."

  Sarah shook her head and laughed. "You're incorrigible."

  "So, Zach demanded to see me?" What exactly did that mean? Last night he hadn't seemed put off by her appearance, but then her chest had been covered and it had been very dark. How would he feel about her scars in the full light of day?

  "He certainly did. He's been a very busy boy."

  "What do you mean?"

  "He asked someone to come to see you." She walked to the bedroom door and called, "You can come inside now."

  Rose DiPietro stepped through the threshold.

  Dani immediately began to cry. "Mama!"

  Sarah smiled. "I think that's my cue to leave. I'll see you this afternoon, Dani."

  When Sarah had gone, Rose sat on the edge of her bed. "How are you feeling?"

  "Sore, but that's to be expected." She hung her head. "I'm sorry, Mama."

  Rose stroked her hair. "Oh, baby, why are you sorry?"

  "Because I didn't tell you what I planned to do."

  "I am a little miffed that you didn't tell me. You could have stayed with Papa and me while you recuperated. I could have taken some time off from school. Why did you feel you couldn't come to me?"

  Tears poured down her cheeks. She couldn't look her mother in the eye. "Because I felt so disloyal having this surgery. I'm built just like you and if I change the way I look, I feel like I'm insulting you."

  "You silly girl." Rose laid her hand on Dani's shoulder. "First of all, it's your body, and nobody can tell you what to do with it. And secondly, do you think I haven't thought about having this surgery myself? The back and neck pain have been bothering me for years. I have to admit, I'm a little afraid though. And Papa would likely have a cow."

  She blinked up at her mother. "Really? You've thought about the surgery?"

  "Sure. I understand all your reasons. I've been there. I wish I'd had the courage to do it when I was your age."

  "It's not too late. I know a terrific surgeon."

  Rose laughed. "Maybe it isn't. Don't keep anything important like this from me ever again, okay?"

  "Okay."

  Rose handed her a tissue and she blew her nose. Sniffling, she said, "Sarah said Zach called you this morning."

  "He did. He thought you needed your mother."

  How had he known? Perhaps he was more in tune with her than she realized.

  "Sarah said you have a doctor's appointment this afternoon."

  "Yes, my surgeon wants to see me to make sure everything is progressing normally."

  Rose nodded. "That's good. We want to make sure everything's fine. I have to leave for school now, but Zach said he'd pick you up and take you to your appointment. Why don't you come stay with Papa and me after you're done? It'll give me a chance to look after my baby girl for a little while. What do you say?"

  "Okay, but you can't stuff me with pasta and cannoli."

  "I promise. Low-cal stuff all the way."

  Dani knew she could probably count on a treat or two from her mother, no matter what she promised. "That sounds great, Mama. I'm glad you came. I love you so much."

  Rose kissed her cheek. "I love you, too. I'll see you later this afternoon."

  "Bye, Mama."

  With one last kiss, Rose left.

  Dani swung her legs to the side of the bed and gingerly brought herself to a standing position. She walked to the bathroom to use the facilities, and then washed her face and brushed her hair. Then she had to know.

  Slowly, she unzipped the hoody she'd worn to bed and removed the surgical bra the surgeon had plac
ed over her breasts after the surgery. Peeling back the gauze covering her nipples, she braced herself for what she was about to see. It wasn't pretty. One nipple was higher than the other, and her left breast appeared larger than the right, but Dr. Silverman had warned her that it would be some time before they settled into their proper positions and sizes. Her incisions looked angry, but there was no drainage on the gauze, a good sign according to her doctor. Eventually the scars would fade, but they would always be there to some degree.

  Zach had called her breasts magnificent. No matter what he said about loving the way she would look from now on, she couldn't help but wonder how he'd really feel about them now.

  * * * *

  After finding a spot in a nearby parking lot, Zach took Dani's hand and helped her from his car. He was afraid to pull on her arm or touch her chest in some way that might hurt her. She was like a small injured bird, fragile and easily bruised. An overpowering need to protect surged through his blood.

  She got to her feet after exiting his car, her face pale.

  "Are you in pain?"

  "It's not so bad."

  "That's not what I asked."

  She grinned up at him. "I'm fine, really. You don't have to hover."

  He rested his hand on the small of her back, needing to touch her. "I like hovering."

  "I'm not made of glass, Zach. I promise I won't break."

  He wasn't so sure about that.

  He held the door of the clinic open for her. Dani walked to the front desk and checked in. The receptionist checked off her name and then looked at Zach.

  "Are you Dani's husband? Would you like to go with her into the examining room?"

  "Yes."

  "No."

  They spoke at the same time. Dani gave him a look, then addressed the receptionist. "He's not my husband. He's my...friend."

  He didn't like her hesitation as to the status of their relationship. "Are you sure you don't want me to come with you for moral support?"

  "Thanks, but I'm good."

  The receptionist led Dani to an examining room, while Zach took a seat in the waiting room and grabbed a months old copy of People magazine. He flipped through the pages, not really paying attention. He wished she'd trust him. The weekend of Todd's and Fiona's wedding she'd trusted him with her body and her heart, and it had been amazing. Until he'd destroyed her trust.

  What would it take to win back her trust? Was it even possible?

  * * * *

  An hour and half later, Dani unlocked the back door of her parents' house and walked into the kitchen. Zach followed with her suitcase.

  "Where would you like me to take this?"

  "Upstairs to the spare room, first door on your left." She set her purse on the table and sat down wearily. Neither of her parents was home from work yet and the house was quiet.

  "Why don't you come upstairs and lie down for a while? You look done in."

  She heaved a sigh and got to her feet again. "Yeah, maybe I will."

  It was probably the closest thing to an admission of pain or tiredness that he'd get from her. She followed him up the stairs and into the small guest room. He pulled back the covers of the bed and she slipped off her shoes before crawling inside. Her eyes closed almost immediately.

  "Is it time for your pain meds?" he asked.

  Her eyes fluttered open, and with a sigh she pulled back the blanket. "Yeah, I guess it probably is. I forgot."

  He touched her shoulder. "Stay here. I'll get them for you. Where are they?"

  "In my purse on the kitchen table."

  He took the stairs two at a time to get to the kitchen. He found the pills in her purse, poured a glass of water, and headed back to her room. She looked small and fragile in the big bed, and her face was pale. He sat on the edge of the bed and watched her for a moment. Love for her swamped him. He wished he could take her in his arms and make all the pain go away. But it didn't work that way.

  "Here's your pills, sweetheart." He helped her sit up and take her medicine.

  When she finished drinking the water, she smiled at him. "You missed your calling. You should have been a nurse."

  "I don't think so. I'd probably pass out at the first sight of blood."

  "Maybe, but you have a lovely bedside manner."

  He reached out to stroke her hair. "What did your doctor say? Does everything look okay?"

  "Yes, he said it was fine. Everything's progressing normally. He gave me some instructions to follow. "

  "Instructions?"

  "Yeah. I have to change the gauze dressing and use some antibiotic ointment on my nipples to prevent infection and keep them from cracking. But I'm sure you don't want to hear about that."

  "Not true. I want to know what's going on with you, and I want to make sure you're healing properly." He took her hand in his. "Do you want me to help you with the ointment?"

  She pulled her hand away, her eyes widening. "You want to put ointment on my breasts?"

  "Sure."

  He knew she probably didn't want or need his help, and he knew it was private and intimate, like something a husband might do for his wife. But he needed to know what the doctor had done to her, needed to know she was going to be all right. He needed to see for himself.

  Her hand fluttered to her chest as if protecting herself. She looked down at the bedspread.

  "I don't feel comfortable doing that, Zach. It's really not a pretty sight, not something I want to share right now."

  "Don't apologize. I shouldn't have mentioned it. I'm the one who's sorry." He got off the bed and helped ease her back onto the pillow before pulling the covers over her once more. "You get some rest. I'll wait downstairs until your parents come home."

  "You're not staying?"

  "No, once they're home, I should leave. I've got to let Rolf out before he eats the furniture."

  She smiled sleepily. "I've really got to meet this mutt."

  He kissed her forehead. "He's looking forward to it." He caressed her silky cheek with his thumb. "I know you don't believe me, but to me you'll always be beautiful, no matter what. Beauty is all I see when I look at you."

  "Zach." Her eyes were wide and filled with tears.

  "Hey, don't cry." He wiped tears from her cheeks.

  She attempted a smile. "Must be the meds. They're making me sentimental."

  He grinned. "Yeah, that must be it. Why don't you close your eyes now? You need some sleep."

  "Okay."

  Her eyes closed almost immediately. By the time he closed the blind on the window, she was sound asleep. He quietly pulled the door shut as he left the room.

  Why had he offered to put on the ointment? Was he trying to test her, to force her to trust him? Stupid. He couldn't make her trust him anymore than he could make her love him.

  If he ever won her trust again it would be because she gave it to him freely.

  * * *

  Chapter Seventeen

  By the time Dani woke again, it was past six and her parents were home. Her mother made chicken noodle soup with crackers, her favorite when she was sick as a little girl. It felt good to be fussed over and loved.

  Loved. Zach said he loved her. But it was more than what he said. His tender treatment, the way he touched her, cared for her, made her feel special. Made her feel loved.

  And she couldn't forget his words this afternoon: Beauty is all I see when I look at you. His words echoed so closely her father's speech about her mother. The world might not see her mother as a great beauty, but her father did because he loved her. Was Zach saying he felt the same way?

  She watched TV with her parents, munching on tea and cookies, until the news was over at eleven. By then she was ready to go back to bed. She kissed them both and trudged back up the stairs.

  In the privacy of the bathroom, she undressed and examined herself in the mirror. She was thrilled that her breast size had been reduced to a normal level. She could buy cute, lacy bras instead of the industrial strength type. She wo
uldn't need to hide or camouflage her chest. She could wear tops right off the rack, with no tailoring required.

  Dani traced a finger down one of her incisions. Eventually it would fade, but it would always remain as a reminder of what she'd gone through. She was proud that she'd had the courage to stand up to her problem and fix it. These scars would simply be a part of her, like the color of her hair or her eyes. They were nothing to be ashamed of. And they weren't ugly.

  She smiled at her reflection. Neither was she.

  She would never be as beautiful as Chantal, and that was okay as long as the man she loved saw beauty when he looked at her.

  * * * *

  Rose knocked on her door early the next morning. "Good morning, cara."

  Dani sat up and tentatively stretched her arms overhead as her doctor had advised. When it didn't hurt, she stretched a bit farther. "Morning, Mama."

  "Papa's already left for his job site and I've got to leave for school in a few minutes."

  "Thanks for looking after me, Mama. I love you."

  Rose enfolded her in her arms. "I love you too, baby girl. Will you be here when I get home?"

  "I don't think so. I'm feeling much better, so I think I'll ask Zach to drive me home later."

  Rose smiled. "Speaking of Zach, he's downstairs making you breakfast."

  "He is? I didn't expect him to be here so early."

  "He's a good man, Daniella. You might want to think about hanging on to that one."

  "Yes, I was thinking the same thing."

  "Good. Call me tonight and let me know how you're feeling, okay?"

  "I will."

  She gave Dani one last kiss. "Love you."

  "Love you, too. Thanks again, Mama."

  When her mother left, Dani got out of bed and had a quick wash before dressing and going down to the kitchen. Zach was at one of the counters, cutting fruit into a bowl for a salad. She took a moment to appreciate the view. He wore a plaid flannel shirt over snug fitting jeans that did great things for his butt. A blue knitted hat emblazoned with the Toronto Maple Leafs logo was pulled low over his ears.

  "Are you expecting a snow storm in my mother's kitchen?"