After the Affair

by Miranda Lee

  A trembling sigh quivered from her lips. Dan's eyes snapped up to hers. They were half shut in their passion, but they were watching her. His hands reached to cup her breasts, and his palms grazed the tips. Her lips parted with a soft moan.

  'It has to be like this, Cassie,' he muttered thickly. 'I have to see your face... See your pleasure... Don't close your eyes, Cassie. Look at me.'

  She did. And found it the most unbelievably arousing experience. Black lights danced in his eyes every time she made a sound, and when she moistened dry lips with her tongue she could see the flames of desire leap in his gaze.

  'Your body and mine are one now, Cassie,' he rasped as he ground slowly into her. 'This is how it's going to be from now on. No other men... You will know only me!'

  Cassie knew nothing. All she knew was sensation. Pleasure. And a blindly escalating tension. It was gripping her thighs, her insides, making her muscles tighten around him. She had to move.

  'No!' he gasped. 'Keep still!'

  She held herself back for as long as she could, trying to be patient. But, inevitably, her control slipped. Her body began to rock, moving with him, urging him on. Her hands gripped on to the quilt at her sides, her fingers tightening and releasing in time with the primitive rhythm. Her breathing quickened further, as did her movements, and finally he could no longer resist her urgings.

  Cassie's body convulsed, her lips parting wide in her gasps of uncontrollable pleasure. And while her body was still shuddering in ecstasy Dan climaxed. Then slowly, exhaustedly, his spent body collapsed on top of her.

  For several stunned seconds all Cassie was aware of was Dan's weight on her, then gradually, dreamily, the aftermath of their lovemaking took hold. All her limbs flooded with a heavy languor. A blissful peace seeped into her mind. And in this moment of satiation and contentment, her arms slipped around him, her palms sliding over the warm, damp skin on his back. He had denied her this contact, and now she wanted to revel in it. Love ran from her heart down her arms, through to her fingertips. She caressed his skin, stroked and touched him with the intensity of a woman starved of affection. This was Dan, her man, her love. She hugged him close.

  When he suddenly began to roll away she cried, 'Don't go!' and clung on.

  For a second he hesitated, then he sank back. Her arms crept back around him in a tightly possessive clasp.

  'Oh, Dan,' she choked out. 'My darling, my love. .

  His body froze above her. Then with a stiff, jerky movement, he withdrew. He spun away and sat on the side of the bed, his shoulders shaking.

  'Goddamn you, Cassie,' he hissed. 'Goddamn you!'

  Cassie shot upright, stunned by his unexpected desertion, his savage words. 'Dan...' Her hand gingerly touched his shoulder. 'What's wrong? What have I said? Done?'

  He rounded on her, black eyes flashing, his expression one of disgust. 'Is that all it takes with you, Cassie? One good lay and you love me? Or do you love every man who satisfies you?'

  She shrank back from him in horror, but he swept on, his voice full of derision. 'Let's at least have some honesty in this marriage! So the sex is good between us. More than good. Great! Well, I'm not surprised. It always was. But, for pity's sake, I don't need it served up with false platitudes. OK? Keep the my darlings and loves to yourself!'

  Cassie's face began to crumple. She couldn't believe this man... He was either incredibly stupid, or heartless! For nine years she had bottled up her love for him. Nine years! And here she was at last, dying to give him every last scrap of it, offering her heart as well as her body on a silver platter. And what had he done with it? Thrown it back in her face!

  Appalled, she stared into his flushed, arrogant face and fought her tears, fought them for all she was worth. Her earlier intentions of asking him about his marriage, then explaining everything she had said and done since his return, flew out of the window. She got to her feet, making no attempt to hide her nudity. She drew herself up straight and glared down at him, face proud, eyes chilling with enforced steel.

  'Very well, Dan,' she said in clipped tones. 'If you'll excuse me, I am going to have a shower. You said something about taking me shopping afterwards? Forget it! I'm not in the mood. How's that for honesty?'

  She spun away and marched over to the bathroom door, where she whirled to face him once more. 'And speaking of honesty, I have one more thing to say. You can stop throwing other men up in my face. There have been no other men. None at all. I lied. You were my first and only lover, Dan. First and only!'

  Forcing her chin up in crumbling defiance, she threw herself into the bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind her. But as she leant, heaving against the door, the silence from the room outside rushed to haunt her. He hadn't come after her, wasn't banging on the door, didn't beg her forgiveness. She bit her lip and stumbled over to the shower, snapping on the water just in time to let the sound of the teeming jets drown out her sobs.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Cassie stayed in the shower for ages, unwilling in her misery to face Dan once more. But at long last her water-wrinkled skin forced her to turn off the taps and emerge. She dried herself and dragged on one of the towelling bathrobes supplied by the hotel.

  This marriage was impossible, she decided bleakly as she ran her fingers through her damp hair. She couldn't bear to live with Dan every day, sleep in his bed every night, having to keep herself in check, never able to tell him that she loved him. And any hope that in time he might come to love her as she did him was sheer fantasy!

  A shudder ran through her at the memory of the way he'd turned on her, so soon after they'd been bound together in what she'd imagined, however stupidly, was a loving union. But it had only been sex on Dan's part. A mere indulging of his carnal desires. On a personal level, he was as cold and ruthless as he'd once declared.

  Why had she deluded herself into believing differently—that he was capable of true feeling for her? He'd spelled it out clearly enough for her that night in the library. His one desire had been to secure his son in his life. That was the only reason he had married Cassie. Sex with her was merely a coincidental bonus. Nothing else. For some ghastly, perverse reason she still aroused him—as she had nine years before. If he appeared softer and more considerate occasionally it was only because it suited his purpose at the time. No man wanted a difficult wife. Or an unwilling bed-partner. He'd spelled that out as well.

  But love? No... He didn't want her love. Didn't want it, didn't need it, couldn't accept it.

  Cassie could no longer hide from the obvious truth. Dan had only ever loved one woman. And that woman was dead...

  Desolation crashed through her, draining the blood from her face, making her lean weakly against the bathroom vanity unit. What on earth was she going to do? How could she cope?

  She stared at herself in the vanity mirror, at the puffy red eyes, the swollen lips, the pale, ravaged face.

  But you have to cope, her reflection told her. There is Jason to think of, your mother, Roger... You knew this marriage wouldn't be easy. You can't run away at the first hurdle even if it's a seemingly insurmountable one. You just have to grit your teeth and bear it.

  Gathering herself, she moved over to the door and turned the knob. She felt sick at heart as she stepped out into the bedroom, the prospect of facing Dan again making her stomach churn.

  The bedroom was empty.

  Cassie raced into the adjoining sitting-room. It, too, was empty. Dan had gone.

  Panic set in till she took a hold of herself.

  So he's stepped out for a while, she reasoned. He'll come back...eventually. And when he does I'll smile and tell him I'm sorry, that in future I'll be a good, quiet little girl, that he can make love to me any time he wishes and I'll...

  With a sob Cassie sank down on to the sofa and buried her face in her hands. But she didn't cry. She refused to. She steadied her breathing, hardened her resolve, and when her eyes finally lifted they were dry. The years of wretched emptiness had schooled her well
.

  I will survive, Cassie drilled herself. I will lock my love away, as I did before. It will not be easy, but I will do it. I have to!

  Steady blue eyes swept the room, landing on the untouched tray.

  Eat! her mind ordered.

  Cassie ate. But she didn't really taste a thing. Then she dressed, slowly, back into her lime jumpsuit.

  Still Dan had not returned. The light was beginning to fade as the sun sank behind the tall city buildings. Cassie firmly squashed any renewed sense of panic and proceeded to the bathroom, making up her face with relative composure, combing her hair into place. Still no Dan. Her watch showed just after five.

  The sound of the telephone ringing jarred into the silence. Cassie raced over to snatch up the receiver from the bedside table. 'Yes?'

  'Cassie?'

  'Roger?' Surprise lifted her voice.

  'Yes...'

  Roger's heavy acknowledgement and subsequent silence sent a shiver of alarm up Cassie's spine.

  'Cassie, I...' He sighed and again fell silent. Cassie could hear someone sobbing in the background. It was a woman.

  'Oh, my God!' she cried. 'Jason... Something's happened to Jason!' She cradled the receiver in both hands to stop herself from dropping it.

  'Now don't panic, Cassie. He's all right. I mean...well, he's still alive... Shh, Joan! He...er, was hit in the temple with a cricket ball at practice this afternoon. He's at the district hospital and they say it might only be a concussion, but ‑'

  'Is he conscious?' she broke in frantically.

  There was a telling silence before Roger said, 'No.'

  'Oh, God,' she groaned.

  'The resident here's been trying to contact a Sydney specialist who's the best, but he's in theatre. It appears that there may be some pressure forming inside Jason's brain which will have to be alleviated. He ‑'

  The bedroom door opened and Dan walked in.

  'Just...just a moment, Roger,' Cassie rasped.

  She lifted stricken eyes towards her husband, who froze on the spot. 'Dan, it's...it's...' Her voice was choked off by the enormous lump in her throat. A strangled sob escaped her lips.

  'What is it?' he demanded thickly. 'What's happened?'

  'There's been an accident,' she croaked. 'Jason...'

  For a moment she thought he hadn't heard her. His face went totally blank. Cassie stared at him, only then noticing his oddly dishevelled state.

  Suddenly Dan's face sagged. 'Oh, God, no!' he moaned. 'Not Jason... Not him, too...'

  'Cassie? Cassie, are you there?' came the voice down the line.

  'Yes, Roger, I'm here.' She glanced worriedly over at Dan, who looked as if he was going to collapse. 'Yes...yes, I'm listening... What's that?' Her attention was now all on what Roger was telling her. 'Of course I could. Give me the name of this doctor Jason needs, and I'll keep on trying till ‑'

  The phone was swept out of her hands. 'Roger? Dan McKay speaking. What's this about a doctor? Fill me in, will you?' His voice was astonishingly steady and firm, as was the hand that pushed Cassie's shoulder down till she was sitting on the bed. Only then did she realise how much she was shaking.

  'I see... Yes... I don't need to write it down. I'll remember... I'll let you know when we'll be arriving... If I don't get him, I'll get someone else... What? No. No, of course I don't blame anyone. Accidents happen... Yes, I'll be in touch soon.'

  He hung up, but was instantly punching out other buttons, making calls, giving orders. Cassie was dazed by the astonishing change in Dan's manner. What kind of man was this she was married to? One moment totally stricken, the next, a powerhouse of decision-making.

  Yet she was immensely grateful for his taking charge, only now fully aware of how close to breaking down she was.

  'Come, Cassie,' he grabbed her elbow, lifting her forcibly to her feet. 'We have things to do. Quickly. No, leave our luggage...'

  There was no time for tears, no time for talk, no time to give in to the sickening lump of fear growing inside her. Cassie was whizzed across the city into the emergency section of St Vincent's Hospital, where she stayed in the taxi while Dan literally ran inside. The minutes passed— precious, life-ebbing minutes. She kept thinking of her little boy lying in a hospital bed, fluid building up on his brain, building, building till something burst...

  She prayed crazy, bribing prayers. Please, God, if you spare him, I won't ask that Dan ever love me. Let him hate me if it will make any difference! I'll do anything...anything... Only let my son live!

  Suddenly Dan was back, a big, brusque man in a white coat accompanying him, who looked quite disgruntled. 'This is highly irregular,' he was muttering. 'Highly irregular...'

  Dan glared at the doctor, who glared back before looking over at Cassie's startled, strained face. Her eyes clung to him, appealingly, desperately. 'Oh, please,' she begged.

  His face gentled. 'Right!' he gruffed. 'We're on our way.'

  The two men climbed in, the doctor in front, Dan beside Cassie. The taxi lurched off, but they had now caught the peak hour and were often held up for minutes at a time without moving. No one spoke. Cassie found the delays and the silence unnerving. She started to talk, more to herself, than anyone.

  'Strange how things turn out. There I was on my way to Sydney thinking that I would never let Jason go up in that helicopter again. I was worried about it crashing. And what happens? He gets hurt at cricket. Cricket...' She let out a ragged, trembling sigh. 'You worry and worry, trying to keep them safe, trying to foresee the dangers. But sometimes, no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, things happen ‑'

  Her head snapped round at the sound Dan made. It was ghastly. Tormented.

  'Yes,' he rasped. 'But do they have to keep happening? First ‑' He stopped, bruising her heart with a brief, haunted look before he wrenched his eyes away. 'And now Jason,' he said raggedly as he stared steadfastly through the side window.

  Cassie's heart went out to him. To lose a wife, then to be in fear of losing a son was surely more than any man could bear. Her hand slipped along the margin of seat between them. She picked up his hand and pressed it gently.

  Dan's eyes jerked across. He glared first at her, then down at their linked hands.

  'He'll be all right,' she whispered soothingly. 'He has to be.'

  He looked at her with eyes that were in hell. 'You don't know, or understand, Cassie. But if I lose Jason too...' He closed his eyes, his whole body slumping, his hand cold and lifeless within hers.

  Cassie's spirits sank to rock-bottom and silent tears began to fall. Dan was right. She didn't know. They might already be too late.

  It was half-past seven by the time the two helicopters reached the Northern Rivers District Hospital. They landed in the car park, the doctor sprinting ahead into the hospital. Dan and Cassie climbed out and walked together in a tense black silence across the bitumen, up the wide steps and into the lighted foyer.

  'Cassie!'

  She looked up to see her mother and Roger hurrying towards them. 'Cassie, darling, thank God you're here. Jason's holding on, but ‑' Joan threw her arms around her daughter and burst into tears.

  It was a long night. After examining Jason the doctor ordered immediate surgery to relieve the build-up of cranial pressure, and, despite Roger's suggestion they would be better off waiting at home, all four of them remained in the hospital waiting-room into the small hours of the morning. The tension between the group was so high that neither Roger nor Joan seemed to notice Dan's odd behaviour. He made no attempt to be with his new wife as he either paced the floor or sat in grim silence in one of the chairs. He refused all offers of coffee and had visibly aged ten years.

  Cassie wanted to go to him, wanted to do something to comfort him. But she too was hurting. She too was afraid. And it all seemed so hopeless. Family crises either brought people together again, or drove a deeper wedge between them. Theirs appeared to be doing the latter.

  Everyone snapped to attention when the doctor suddenly
appeared in the doorway. He was smiling. 'The danger's over now, Mr and Mrs McKay. Jason will be just fine.'

  An audible sigh of relief reverberated through the room.

  Someone breathed, 'Thank God!'

  Which Cassie did, fervently, before rushing forward to take the doctor's hands. 'However can we thank you, Doctor?' she cried.

  'To see you smile like that goes a long way, Mrs McKay.'

  'Can we see him now?' she asked.

  'If you like. He's back in his room, but he's still asleep from the anaesthetic.' He glanced over Cassie's shoulder at Dan. 'Well, Mr McKay? Is that helicopter of yours all tanked up and ready to go?'

  Dan nodded slowly, apparently too full of emotion to speak.

  'Then I must run. I have theatre in the morning, and even geniuses like myself need some sleep.' He grinned and left.

  Cassie hugged her mother before turning to Roger. 'You must take her home to bed... You, too... You've both been under a terrible strain, but Jason is all right now. Dan and I will stay with him.'

  When they hesitated, she practically pushed the pair of them from the room. Then with a deep, steadying breath she turned to face her husband. This was no time for personal problems. It was a time for rejoicing. Their son was alive!

  'Dan?' Quite determinedly she walked over and curled an arm around one of his. 'Shall we go and see Jason?'

  Dan looked rigidly down at her, but his eyes didn't seem to register. They seemed to be in some far off place, where he was enduring his own private agony. 'Cassie... I want you to know...to understand... I have to tell you. You must listen!'

  She raised startled eyes at the vehemence in his voice. He hesitated, his eyes searching hers as though seeking some sort of reassurance, but suddenly a bleakness invaded his face and he shook his head, expelling a shuddering breath. 'What's the use? It won't make any difference. At least we have Jason... All right. Let's go and see him.' He grasped her elbow and propelled her from the room.