Street Soldier

by Silhouettes

  “I’m sorry to hear that. My mama got some issues too, and she just plain ol’ crazy. You saw how she was in Mr. King’s office that day, and that was just a sample of how she is.”

  Ms. Macklin laughed. “Yeah, she was quite a character. She was doing her best to protect you, though, and that was admirable. That’s how my mother is, and when she’s not going through one of her moods, she’s really a beautiful person.”

  “What happened to her? I mean, was her problem hereditary or was it somethin’ that just occurred?”

  Ms. Macklin lifted her head and placed her chin on my chest so she could look up at me. Her eyes were so pretty, and I moved her hair away from them so I could see them.

  “I’m not sure, Prince, but for years, my mother had been severely beaten by my father. It took a toll on her, and I can’t tell you how many times I saw him beat her until she was unconscious. She was depressed all the time and it affected her. Growing up, I promised myself that I would never be with a man who put his hands on me. I don’t want to wind up like her, and it is so gut-wrenching for me to see her in the condition that she’s in.”

  I moved my head forward and kissed her forehead. “I know how that shit can be. My mama went through some of the same shit, and I ain’t gon’ lie when I say that shit fucked me up. I gotta get control of myself, and since I ain’t never had no real daddy in my life, I’m tryin’ to learn some shit on my own.”

  “I thought that was your father at the school that day. He was with you at the club that night, too, wasn’t he?”

  “That nigga ain’t my old dude. That’s my mama’s on-again, off-again boyfriend. My father got killed, and I hate to say it, but when that shit happened, it was the best day of my life.”

  “Don’t feel bad about saying it. I felt the same way; after what my father did to my mother, I jumped for joy when I found out he’d been killed. I didn’t even go to his funeral, and if I had gone, I would have spit on him in his casket.”

  “Same here. Thing is, I thought about goin’ to his funeral, just to make sure that he was on his way to hell.”

  “Me too,” she laughed. “I know I shouldn’t feel this way, Prince, but my father was really no good. He did a lot of people wrong, including me. It’s because of him that I even started being a stripper. Whenever I’d ask him for money to help me and my mama out, he would tell me to get out and sell my body to get it. I had sex with some of his friends for money, and he even arranged it. He actually hooked me up with the man who owns the strip club I work for. Even though I hated to go that route, I felt as if I didn’t have no choice.”

  “Damn, that’s messed up. Yo’ old dude sounds a lot like mine. I guess there’s plenty of those kinds of niggas in the world.”

  “Yep, but there was only one Derrick Jackson. May that sucker rest with no peace.”

  My heart jumped and I quickly backed away from Ms. Macklin. “Wha . . . what in the fuck did you say your father’s name was?”

  “Derrick Jackson? Did you know him?”

  Hell, nah, I thought. There were plenty of Derrick Jacksons in St. Louis, and there was no way in hell we had the same daddy. My palms started to sweat and I quickly sat up, moving farther away from her.

  “When . . . when was your father killed?” I said in a panicky voice.

  Ms. Macklin’s forehead lined with wrinkles. She gave me a confused look, as she could see the concern in my eyes. “He was killed several months ago. They found his body behind a grocery store on Fifth Street. He was a notorious drug dealer, and was well known in the city. Like I asked, did you know him or something?”

  I wanted to throw the fuck up! I jumped up from the sofa and went to do just that. As I leaned over the toilet coughing up nothing but mucus and spit, Ms. Macklin stood in the doorway with a sheet wrapped around her.

  “Prince, what’s the matter? Did . . . did I say something wrong? You know him, don’t you? You were sellin’ for him, weren’t you?”

  I wiped my mouth, and when she stepped into the bathroom and touched my back, I snatched away from her.

  “Go put on your clothes,” I yelled.

  “Prince, what’s wrong?”

  “Do it!” I yelled. “Now!”

  Her eyes watered and she walked away from the doorway. I stared at myself in the mirror, feeling as if that muthafucka was laughing at me, trying to get payback. Ms. Macklin didn’t look anything like me, but her eyes, damn, there was something about her eyes. No wonder I felt so connected to her. I was mad as hell about this; all of this time I’d been fucking my own damn sister? When I thought about her being pregnant by me, I slammed my fist into the mirror and broke it. Glass shattered everywhere, and Ms. Macklin came back to the doorway. She was near tears.

  “What is it?” she yelled out. “Please tell me. Why are you acting like this?”

  I turned, looking at her naked body. How could it even turn me on at this point? Was I sick or what? Damn, I thought. I’ll be muthafuckin’ damned!

  I wiped down my face and did my best to calm my voice. “Please put your clothes on. Please.”

  She stormed away from the door and plopped down on the sleeper sofa. Reaching for her clothes to put them on, she fussed and cussed her ass off.

  “I am so fucking done with this,” she said. “Fuck you, Prince. Here I am, pouring my damn heart out to you and you treat me like this? How dare you treat me like this? How dare you!” She was pissed, and even though I didn’t want to tell her the truth, I had to. My emotions started to get the best of me too, as this was some fucked-up shit. I went over to her and took her hand. She snatched it away and stepped into one of her shoes.

  “Leave me the fuck alone!” She stood up and pushed me backward. I didn’t even trip, but then she smacked me. My head jerked to the side, and that’s when I grabbed her arms and shook her.

  “Goddamn it, Patrice! You’re my fuckin’ sister!” I yelled, then shoved her back on the sleeper. “Derrick was my damn daddy too!”

  She looked like a mannequin posing, and didn’t move. I wasn’t even sure if she was breathing, and her mouth looked to be stuck wide open. “Wha . . . No, no, it couldn’t be. Please. Why are you fucking with me, Prince? Don’t mess with me like this.”

  I took a deep breath. My voice had calmed. “I wouldn’t fuck with you like this. I wish like hell this was a joke, a dream, somethin’. But he was definitely my father. I don’t understand how you didn’t notice the resemblances. We look a lot alike.”

  Her eyes seemed to be searching me over, and that’s when she covered her face with her hands. She broke down, crying and trembling so bad that I was afraid to touch her. I wanted to hug her or something, but that just didn’t feel right to me. Instead, I sat next to her on the sleeper and hesitated before carefully rubbing her back.

  “Don’t . . . Please don’t cry like that. I know this shit ain’t good, but we didn’t know. We gotta move on from this and . . .” I shrugged, having no damn answer to this myself. Ms. Macklin, Patrice, my sister, or whoever the fuck she was to me now, she dropped her head on my shoulder, continuing to let out her emotions. I dropped my head in shame as well, thinking about that no-good motherfucka that I had always known as my father. He sure as hell fucked us up, and I didn’t know if Patrice or I would ever recover.

  Chapter 16

  The day I found out Ms. Macklin was my sister played out in my mind, every single day. We had kept in touch, and talked on the phone on a regular basis. She was in counseling and advised me to go with her. I just couldn’t see myself spilling my guts to no stranger, so I told her she’d have to tackle that bullshit alone. The news about Derrick being father to both of us was hard to swallow, but we had to. My thoughts and visions about her had changed, and when we met up for lunch last weekend, the conversation was good.

  I’d gone to see her mother at the nursing home, and as we sat in the room talking to her, I realized how much damage one single man had caused. There were so many lives fucked up, all because of Derrick. Patr
ice had been searching for love in all of the wrong places, and there was no surprise that she wound up falling for a brotha like me who was as close to her father as she could possibly get.

  As for me, you already know my story. Maybe he could have made every bit of the difference in my life, who knows, but he wasn’t willing to try. Mama had her faults too, and there was no excuse for her actions either. At this point, though, I wasn’t trying to point the finger at anyone. Both of my parents lived their lives how they chose to, and now it was time for me to live mine. I complained about how they raised me, but if I wanted shit to change, I had to do better myself. Everywhere I went, I was paranoid about somebody finding out about what I had done to Derrick, or about killing Cedric. I didn’t know if that shit was going to ever come back to haunt me, and my gut was telling me that it would. I got my ass off them streets, though, and was doing my best to live like a real street soldier.

  No doubt, I had some work to do. What was gon’ be, was gon’ be. Patrice talked to me about getting my GED, and getting that was just one of my plans. I still hadn’t gone to see about my son, and I was on my way to do that. Yeah, there was a possibility that I had more kids, but for now, I was taking this shit one day at a time. Monesha’s son had been on my mind too, but I couldn’t change years and years of what I’d been accustomed to overnight. Change took time. Someday, it would all work out for me, and deep down I knew it. I had some redeeming qualities, and my redemption started with today.

  I knocked on the door at Nadine’s house, nervous but knowing this was the right move. Lately, I couldn’t stand that the son I definitely knew was mine would be without a father. I didn’t want him to go through what I did, and if I could make his life better, I had to try.

  “Can I help you?” Nadine’s mother asked, as she came to the door.

  “Is Nadine here?”

  She gave me a puzzled look, then called for Nadine to come to the door. She did, and the baby was on her shoulder, covered in a blanket. A tiny smile covered her face, implying that she was possibly happy to see me. She stepped on the porch, and stood in front of me.

  “All I can say is your mother is crazy,” she said. “I’ve been trying to get in touch with you. Where have you been?”

  I looked at the blue blanket covering the baby, ignoring what Nadine had asked. “What’s his name?”

  “What’s yours?”

  I smiled. “Let me see him.”

  She proudly turned him around, and his eyes were closed. He had a round face like mine, with chubby cute cheeks. His head was full of curly hair, and from the color of his smooth light brown skin, he damn sure didn’t belong to no white boy, as I had assumed. I took him from Nadine’s hands and held him in front of me. My palms were sweating and I hoped like hell he didn’t slip. I eased down on the steps on the porch, still holding him at a distance. He squirmed around and pursed his lips like he was sucking on something.

  “Be careful with him,” Nadine said, sitting down next tome.

  “I got him, ma.”

  I kept looking at him, seeing myself more and more. And when he opened his eyes, I damn near wanted to cry. Yeah, he was mine. And he was handsome as hell.

  “And?” Nadine said. “I’m waiting.”

  “I wholeheartedly apologize for bein’ an asshole. He mine, I know he mine. I wouldn’t have this feelin’ inside of me if he wasn’t, and besides that, li’l man lookin’ just like me, ain’t he?”

  Nadine rubbed his head. “Yeah, he got that fat head like yours,” she said, then touched his nose. “And his nose is definitely yours. As much as I was mad at you, I knew he’d come out like this.”

  I put the baby on my shoulder, and his hair touching the side of my face felt like magic. He was so soft that I rubbed my face against his head. “I bet you ain’t mad at me now, are you?” I asked.

  “No, ’cause I love the hell out of my baby. I am, however, concerned about what I heard about you and Ms. Macklin. Did you really go in the classroom and kiss her? I heard you’d been having sex with her, and I hope like hell that shit ain’t true.”

  “Don’t worry about Ms. Macklin. You need to only concern yourself with my baby, that’s all. Are you back in school?”

  “Yep. Mama been watching the baby, and I’m still gon’ graduate on time. What about you? Are you coming back?”

  “Nah, but I’m thinkin’ about gettin’ my GED. I gotta get a job so I can help you take care of my baby. Do you have any more of the money I gave to you?”

  “Yeah, I got some of it left. I gave some to my mother to help her, but I got enough set aside for the baby. I’m thinking about going to a community college when I graduate, but I need to find me a job, too.”

  All I could say was it was a start. I had a feeling that my son was gon’ change some things around for me, and I felt hyped about that.

  Nadine and I sat on the porch talking for a while, and I suggested taking the baby to my mama’s house so she could see him. At first, Nadine didn’t want to go, but she changed her mind. When we got to Mama’s house, this time she was in the kitchen, leaning against the counter while smoking a cigarette. We stood in the doorway with the baby, and all Mama did was stare. Her eyes did not blink until I introduced Nadine to her again. I removed the blanket from my son’s head.

  “This my son, Mama. His name is Prince. Jamal Prince Perkins, with a J.R. on it.”

  Mama blew the smoke from her mouth and put her hand on her hip. She then smashed the cigarette in an ashtray and walked up to us. She pulled the blanket back a bit more, and when Prince looked into her eyes, she did everything in her power not to smile.

  “Yep,” she admitted. “He yours. Look just like you when you were a baby, and I remember the first day when you came home from the hospital.”

  She carefully took him from my arms and we followed her into the living room. She sat on the couch with Prince on her shoulder, and leaned over to get a picture book from the middle of the table. She opened the book, and pointed to several pictures of me so Nadine could see them.

  “See?” she said. “Look at this one here, Nadine. Prince was only a month old here, and on this one he was about three months old.”

  Nadine looked at the pictures and agreed that the baby looked just like me. Mama kept going on and on, and I was surprised when she turned her head to kiss his head. When he started to cry, she shook him in her arms and rubbed up and down his back. He quickly calmed down, and without paying me any attention, she didn’t know I was watching the mother I had really and truly missed. My eyes watered a bit, but I blinked my tears away. I somewhat had memories of those days that she held me in her arms, rocking me to sleep. I wasn’t sure what happened, but I contributed it to this thing called life.

  Moments later, Raylo came through the door. He looked upset about something, and when Mama got after him about not coming into the house speaking, he started to go off.

  “I speak when I want to speak,” he fired back. “Don’t be frontin’ on me in front of no damn body.”

  “Fool, I was just tryin’ to get you to show my new grandbaby some respect. Get that twisted-up look off your face and come over here and see him.”

  Raylo ignored her request. “Whatever,” he said, throwing his hand back. “I know you’d better watch your damn tone with me, woman, or else.”

  “Or else what, Raylo? Take yo’ ass back there and go to sleep or somethin’. Ain’t nobody got time for your mess today.”

  “Fuck you,” he spat.

  “Nigga, fuck you!”

  Some things were never gon’ change. They kept at it, and as things got more heated, I took Prince from Mama’s arms. I wasn’t going to surround him with this kind of mess, and I knew damn well what being around it had done to me. I quickly got Prince the hell out of there, and Nadine and I went to my apartment to chill.

  Prince Jr. was already five months old. We were at Nadine’s graduation and we clapped as she walked across the stage to get her diploma. I was very happy fo
r her. Even though I’d talked about getting my GED, that hadn’t happened yet. I did have a job, though. Patrice had hooked me up with a manager she’d known at a worldwide package delivery service. He hired me, and I’d been driving a truck, delivering packages to businesses and residents throughout the metro area. The job came with good benefits and it helped with expenses for my son. On my off days, which were on weekends, Prince Jr. stayed with me. I was enjoying my new life. I’d never thought I’d be at a point where there was nothing but peace around me. Nadine and I were just doing okay. I hadn’t even had sex with her since she’d had Prince Jr., and, truthfully, all I cared about was taking care of him. She wasn’t happy about that, and had already started seeing someone else. I had no gripes, and the way I felt about females in general, it wasn’t a good thing. No love for them was living in my heart, and I can’t ever say that it ever was.

  It was raining cats and dogs, muggy as ever. Nadine called, wanting me to take her to the Laundromat because she and Prince Jr. didn’t have anything clean to wear. She was always bugging me about taking her places, and since she had my son, it was rare that I told her no. I carried her heavy loads of dirty laundry to my car. Moving aside two of my shirts and a pair of jeans on the back seat, I placed her baskets there and strapped Prince Jr. in the middle in his car seat. Nadine covered her head with an umbrella, but she got drenched when the umbrella blew up in the air. She hopped in the front seat of my car, soaking wet. I was too.

  “Couldn’t you have found a better time to go to the Laundromat?” I asked, wiping the rain off my face with my shirt.

  “There was no better time. The meteorologist said it’s going to be raining all day and I didn’t have any clean clothes.”

  I pulled away from the curb, taking my time driving in the rain. “Why you didn’t ask your boyfriend to come get you? That nigga ain’t worth a damn, is he?”