"This is no laughing matter," said Atticus, walking towards his son. "If those people have it out for you then it's only a matter of time until -"
"While they may have it out for me, it's not my life they're threatening.”
Atticus stiffened.
"Don't concern yourself with this. Just make sure to watch your back when alone." Xander smirked. "Are we done?"
"Not even close," said Atticus. "I've been informed that Lona Von has reached out to you several times since moving to Middle City, but she has yet to receive a response."
"So?" He recalled seeing a few emails from her but never took the time to read them.
"Why haven't you contacted her?"
"I have no interest in Lona, though that doesn't seem to matter to you much, does it? Considering you're too busy making engagement deals behind my back."
Atticus was taken aback for a moment but quickly composed himself. "You know as well as I do that I have no say in such things. Any arrangements being made are done by President Saevus."
"But you knew about it, and you chose not to inform me."
"I was ordered not to inform you."
Xander shrugged it off. "Well, do me a favor and let those making the arrangements know that I will never agree. Marriage isn't in the cards for me."
"I'm afraid it's going to have to be."
"Nope."
Realizing he was standing a bit protectively in front of his bedroom door, Xander decided that it might be best to move away from it, so as not to arouse suspicion. Feeling his cigarettes in his pocket, he headed for the balcony. He kept the door open and leaned against the railing, keeping a sharp eye on his father as he took one out and lit it.
"It has also come to my attention recently that you cut Finley Scout out of your life in a very cruel fashion."
Xander took a drag of his cigarette. "Why should that matter?" And how had it come to his attention?
"Everyone says you've been going out less. And that, in recent days, you haven't been seen with your usual bevy of women."
"I don't see how my personal life has anything to do with -"
"Who is in your bedroom, Xander?"
Xander tensed. "What?"
"Is it someone important to you?"
"Of course not."
"Because if it is -"
"It's not!" shouted Xander, a bit too eagerly. He took another drag to calm himself. "I'm not going to lie, I have my usuals, and the girl in there is one of them, but that doesn't mean she's someone important."
"Good," said Atticus, walking towards the balcony door. "Because falling for someone right now would be very foolish of you."
Xander took a deep breath. "I know."
"I truly believe you should rethink your decision about Ms. Von. She would make a fine wife, and since you have no existing feelings for her -"
"Are you actually telling me to marry her because I don't have feelings for her?"
"Marrying for love only complicates things."
"You did," said Xander slowly.
"Yes, and look how that turned out," said Atticus, looking sadly at his son before heading for the door.
Xander put out his cigarette and followed him.
"Tend to your guest," said Atticus. "We will continue this discussion at a later date. I will see you soon."
Atticus opened the door and left quickly. Xander locked it behind him. He hadn't realized his father had access to his apartment. That would need to change immediately.
He stood by the door for a moment, staring at nothing while he thought about Atticus's words. His father had loved his mother, and when she died she took a part of him with her. He had never been the same since that day, which was perhaps why Xander loathed him so much. For letting her death break him. But now Xander was starting to understand what he must have felt. A world without Deryn didn't seem right, which was why he didn't plan to live in that world for very long.
Finally returning to the here and now, Xander went to his bedroom. When he opened the door, Deryn was running around in a panic, dressed messily in day clothes while she threw everything she could find into her bag.
"Deryn."
Her head shot up and she looked at him, her eyes filled with tears and her cheeks flushed.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"I ... I need to leave. If he's here then -"
"He's not here. He left."
She shook her head frantically. "No. He'll be back. He can get in. He'll -"
"Deryn, calm down," said Xander, walking over and putting his hands on her shoulders.
She flinched.
Xander pulled away, his heart sinking as his old suspicions arose once more. "You're being irrational. I'll make sure he never comes back here. I promise." He reached out to stroke her cheek. "I -"
"Xander, no!" Deryn hurried away from him. "There have been too many close calls lately! I'm not safe here anymore!"
Xander took a step forward. She took one back. This repeated until she was against the wall. Tears poured down her cheeks while he looked sadly at her. She knew what was coming. She had brought it on herself. But how could she act normal when that monster had been so incredibly close to her?
"Deryn, I need you to be honest with me," said Xander, standing close but not touching her, even though he desperately wanted to. "I've been afraid to ask before now, but I need to know."
Deryn whimpered, scared to look into his eyes but unable to look away. A shade lighter with a gold ring around the pupil. Xander's eyes. She reached out and grabbed his hand.
Feeling her fingers interlace with his, Xander feared he already knew the answer. "Did my father ever ..." He gulped. "Did he rape you?" he asked in an almost whisper, his voice hoarse.
Deryn didn't answer, just continued to cry while squeezing the life out of his hand. He reached up and wiped her tears away.
"Deryn, please," he pleaded, his eyes becoming glossy as she kept staring back at him.
She nodded slowly.
Xander's tears spilled over. His eyes clenched shut as his fingers tensed on her cheek.
"No," he cried as his whole body began to shake. "Please, god, no!"
"Xander, I'm sorry," said Deryn as his forehead fell against hers. "I meant to tell you. I did. I just -"
"It's not your fault," said Xander, shaking his head while his hand moved into her hair, gripping it hard as he tried with everything he had to stay in control. "I should've known. I saw the signs. I even suspected it in the beginning. The way you always looked at me after your nightmares. But I didn't want it to be true."
"Neither did I," she said, leaning forward just enough to brush her lips against his.
He pulled away. "Please, don't. How can you look at me? How can you be with me after what my father did to you?"
"Because I don't see him when I look at you, Xander. Not anymore. You're not like him."
"Yes I am," he said, yanking his hand out of hers. "I'm exactly like him. I pushed you into this."
She shook her head wildly. "No. No, you didn't."
"Yes I did! You didn't want to so I tricked you and forced you into this!"
"No, that's not true!" she screamed. "I wanted to be with you! I -"
"I fucking forced you, Deryn! I forced you to be with me, just like him!"
"You would never -"
"But I did. You were vulnerable and I didn't care!” he shouted. “I fucking took what I wanted anyway. I knew . Deep down I knew that my father raped you and I fucked you anyway!"
Deryn went white. Her whole body felt heavy as he slowly stepped away from her. "Xander, please." She reached out for him but he only pulled away again.
"I'm selfish. I'm so fucking selfish that I chose not to see. But I can't be selfish when it comes to you, Deryn. Not anymore."
Xander stared deep into her eyes, the whites of them bloodshot while her sea-green irises were dim behind the tears. He hated seeing her like this.
"I'm getting you out," he said. "As soon
as I can."
Deryn started to take a step forward, but stopped when Xander took a step back. "Xander, please. This is why I didn't want to tell you. You're already looking at me differently."
"How can I not?" His heart sank as she looked at him so desperately. "I need some air." He headed for the door but quickly stopped. "If I go, will you still be here when I get back?"
Deryn whimpered and nodded. "Should I move back to the guestroom?"
Xander tried to say yes, but he couldn't. "I don't want you to, but if that's what you -"
"I want to stay with you."
"Then stay. I'll be back shortly."
Without waiting for a response, Xander headed for the front door. He put on his coat and his shoes, stopping for a moment to punch the wall with all he had, not caring that he hit it so hard his knuckles started to bleed. He needed to hurt something and his father wasn't there.
Feeling himself losing control, Xander opened the door and ran out. As he leapt down the stairs two at a time, he started to think about where he should go. He didn't want to be alone right now, but he knew he couldn't stay there with Deryn since he was only moments away from breaking. As much as it pained him to admit it, there was only one other person he wanted to see.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Once outside, Xander went into the garage, took out his hover-bike and rode off in the direction of Luka's house.
When he arrived at the Voclains front door, their wave let him in and he hurried towards Luka's bedroom. Luka's father Barath was sitting by the fireplace in the living room, drinking some brandy.
"Ah, young Ruby. To what do I owe the pleasure?"
"Obviously I'm not here for you, you sick fuck," said Xander as he passed on by.
When he got to Luka's room, Luka was lying on the bed, his head hanging over the edge with a half-finished bottle of gin in his hands. He looked at him upside-down.
" Long time no see. To what do I owe the pleasure?"
Xander grunted. "Like father, like fucking son," he said, shutting the door behind him. He walked over and tore the bottle from Luka's hands, taking several large gulps while his friend watched in amazement. By the time he came up for air, the bottle was pretty much empty. "Why are you drinking here? You should be out finding some girl or something."
Luka sat up and took the bottle back. He frowned at the small swish of liquid left. "Well, you see, the asshole I used to go drinking with recently fell for this girl, and I haven't really seen much of him since."
"I doubt I've been that bad."
Luka raised his eyebrows.
Xander grunted. "Fine. I've been an ass, but you don't have to worry about that anymore because it's over." He winced at the words, grabbed the bottle again and drank the last bit of gin to stop himself from breaking down.
"Really?"
Luka froze suddenly. He stared at his door for a moment, then jumped up and walked over to it. He threw it open with such a force that Barath nearly toppled over.
"Is there something you needed, Father?"
"Uh, no," said Barath as he stood up straight. "Xander seemed distressed when he came through just now so I thought I would see if everything's alright."
"Everything's fine," said Luka, slamming the door in his father's face and locking it. "So why is it over?" he asked, leading Xander into a small study connected to his room. This was the only entrance, so they would actually have some privacy. "You finally smuggle her out of Utopia or something?"
"No," said Xander, his eyes glossy as he took a seat on the chaise lounge in the corner. "She's still here."
"Then what -"
"It's my father." Just the mention of Atticus was enough to make Xander's tears spill over. He wiped them. "He ... he raped her. He fucking raped her, Luka."
Luka gaped at him. "She told you that?"
Xander nodded. "After I asked. My father came by my apartment. He didn't see her or anything, but after he left she began acting crazy. I suspected it before but I didn't really want to know."
"Why not?"
After taking several deep breaths, Xander looked at his friend sadly and said, "Because I'm in love with her." His words were sharp and painful.
Luka's eyes widened in surprise. He looked off to the side. This was awkward.
"I'm fucking in love with her, Luka. I've been in love with her but I don't know what to do now. This changes everything. I want to kill my father for what he did to her. I want him fucking dead! I want them all fucking dead for ever thinking they could touch her and get away with it! I want them all to suffer!"
Luka smiled at the floor. "It's good to know you're as cold as ever."
"You were right before," said Xander. "When you said I took advantage of her. I didn't think I did but -"
He gulped.
"- but what girl in her right mind would ever want to be with the son of a man who raped her unless pushed? I pushed her into this. When I first started feeling something for her, I knew she felt it too, but she kept denying it so I pushed. I pushed her to the point of pinning her against a fucking wall and holding her there until she admitted she wanted me."
"Sounds kinky."
"It's not kinky!" shouted Xander. "It's sick! I'm sick!"
Luka took a deep breath and sat beside Xander. They stayed there awkwardly for a moment before he lifted his arm and patted his friend on the back, nearly knocking him forward.
"What are you doing?"
"Being comforting," said Luka, continuing to pat.
"You're doing a lousy fucking job."
"Yeah, well, I've never done this before so you're going to have to deal." Luka stopped his patting. "For what it's worth, I was angry the other day. You were in the middle of installing a fucking mind control chip in my band. But I don't actually think you're taking advantage of her. Not from what I've seen, anyway."
"You don't?" asked Xander hopefully.
"Yeah," said Luka. "Don't get me wrong, what the two of you are doing is fucking twisted. But the whole world is fucking twisted right now, so it's kinda hard to place any proper judgment on you."
Xander laughed halfheartedly.
Luka smiled. "So you're really in love with her?"
With a shallow nod, Xander said, "Yes."
"Is it just, like, amazing sex or something?"
Xander smirked. "It's fucking mind-blowing, but it's not just that. It's everything. Just being around her makes me happier than I've ever been."
Luka crinkled his nose. "This is weird."
"I know."
"Xander Ruby with feelings. Never thought I'd see the day."
"You and me both."
"It's kind of unsettling, isn't it?" asked Luka with a smile.
Xander smiled back and nodded. "I hate it."
As the two of them were overcome with a bit of an awkward silence, Luka opened the small cabinet beside the chaise lounge and took out a new bottle of gin. He popped it open and took a swig before handing it to Xander.
"When did you start hoarding this shit in your room?" asked Xander as he took a large gulp.
"When I found out my father wants to kill me, and it started to get really uncomfortable drinking with him in the living room. It really puts a damper on things."
"Why don't you ask Saevus if you can move into your own place in Middle City? He offered a few years back, didn't he?"
"Yes, but I'm trying not to look suspicious, remember? You're the one who ordered me to act this way and I must obey," said Luka scornfully.
Xander frowned and handed back the bottle. "It's not that I don't trust you."
"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you not the one who said I couldn't be trusted that night your girlfriend tied me to a fucking chair ?"
"I didn't want to install that chip. I didn't want you to be any fucking part of this, but, if you're going to be, it's safer this way."
"Safer my ass! You know I would never do anything to -"
"Safer for you ," said Xander sternly. "You and I both know that Deryn'
s not getting out of here without some shit blowing up in our faces first. I don't expect to survive this, Luka, and when I don't they'll come for you. At least if you have this chip installed they won't think you were a spy or something. It's your safety net. Fucking embrace it."
Luka laughed. "So this is all for my benefit? Liar." He took a swig.
"It's a partial truth," said Xander. "I do trust you. And Deryn told me what you did for her when she was your father's slave. She told me what you've done for all of them. And the old woman with the knife ..."
Luka tensed beside him.
"I made it quick for her, Luka. She didn't feel much. I promise."
Luka gulped and gave a shallow nod, but he didn't say anything. Because, he knew if he did, he wouldn't be able to hold back the tears he was currently fighting.
A bright streak of lightning shot across the sky outside of Luka's window. Loud thunder followed, resonating through the room.
Xander winced. "Shit. I didn't know there was going to be a thunderstorm tonight."
"Why does that matter?"
"Deryn's afraid of thunder." Xander shot to his feet. "I shouldn't have left her alone in the first place. Just more proof that I'm a selfish bastard."
"You won't hear any arguments from me," said Luka, taking another swig. He swallowed hard. "But, for what it's worth, I don't think you should give up on this twisted romance of yours just yet. Your father's a bastard. You've known this your entire life. And I kind of like this lovelorn Xander. You've been pretty fucking miserable these past five years. At least now you're mildly happy, which is more than I can say for me."
With a faint smile, Xander said, "We'll get you out of this house, Luka. But, for now, just stay out of your father's way."
"Yeah, yeah." Luka waved him off as he fell back on the chaise lounge. "Night, Xan. Go protect your girlfriend from the big, bad thunder."
Xander flipped him off.
"I saw that."
"You were meant to."
Xander returned to the living room, where Barath was sitting once more. He watched in curiosity as Xander more-or-less ignored him and ran out the front door.
It was not a long walk to the gate and then a ride home, but he still got soaked.
Broken Wings (Cruel and Beautiful World, Book One 1) Page 33